Fat shamed my daughter and now feel terrible and looking for advice on how to handle it.

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

NC for this…

I’ll start by saying this is completely out of character for me and I’m normally very careful of the language I use around my girls, however this has been a fairly long going issue and I snapped this morning and now feel terrible.

DD11 has gone from a very slim and active child to one with little energy and has turned into a bit of couch potato, she has also gained quite a lot weight. This on its own wasn’t too concerning she is my 3rd child so I’m well aware of the hormone change and the Y7 energy and personality slump, she has also changed shape and has got her period this year.

What is however is really worrying me is she has been binge eating which has built up over a quite a long time and now is the worst it’s ever been.

It started with the odd extra chocolate biscuit for snack time or can of juice (not allowed unless she asks) which I’d find hidden behind the sofa, I never made a big deal as thought normal kid like behaviour and she was also really active, XC running, riding, triathlons so using a lot of energy, we just upped her meal sizes and spoke about healthy food choices (in general and not in relation to the extra snacks)

Skip 18 months and we are here, it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

She will hide packaging, wrappers, cartons cans behind her bed, down the pack of toilets, under the sofa. If we confront her or even just try to talk to her about it she will either deny or ignore, mimic us and storm off.

todays catalyst was I found out in 3 days she has eaten an entire tub of ice cream, a family size tub of mango piece’s in fruit juice, a jar of Nutella and was getting stuck into a bag of Doritos at 10am

For the 1st time I was very straight with her and told her she was getting bigger and it’s because of her diet, I didn’t use the word fat but I did say that her dream sport/goals won’t be reachable and she just won’t have the fitness level or physique to do it and that she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

She did get very upset and hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day, I’ve since apologised but commenting on her appearance/weight but that I’m worried about her and we need to address it but she is having none of it.

I know I haven’t handled this correctly but I’m very open to advice on how to take it from here…

How serious do we think this is sounding, is it something I can work through (correctly) at home, or should I now be reaching out to a GP

(So not to drip feed she had a test for diabetes a few months back in relation to something else and got the all clear. We also took her to the HV when she was a toddler as was really desperately thirsty for juice, she would try and get to and drink all the cups set out at toddler group and no drink was safe if out, she also often has a pear drop smell to her breath and with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on)

GP* not OP

Does she have a hump back? Does she have a very round face?

Removing the foods the girl likes to eat from the house now is honestly the worst thing OP could do. I wish people would think before the suggest these batshit, disordered things. Even just using a bit of common sense how does it make sense to punish this girl now by taking away the food she likes? She will just get it elsewhere and binge in secret knowing it's even more demonised. No food should be off limits or restricted, that is how binging often starts. You're not 'allowed' the 'bad' foods which means you crave them and want them more. Once all food is 'equal' in your head you don't feel that way anymore. Any of you not allowing certain foods in your house please read the book Intuitive Eating and also know that every single adult I know who 'wasn't allowed' particular food has either ended up with extremely disordered eating, or they are very fat in their adulthood because they cannot control the urge to eat those foods they constantly crave as they're 'off limits'. It's actually scary reading some of this.

Ignore my question then. I thought you said she’s out on significant weight.

@beastlyslumber Just someone who has spent a lot of time with parents of children with differing issues including EDs. Also a resource to some teachers. And, yes, I do mind people attacking someone asking for help regardless of how badly or well they have handled the situation.

I xant understand why she has to ask for juice but can get at the ice cream, mini cheddar and doritos without asking you? I don't know what the family situation with food is or how fit/healthy/overweight/underweight you might be yourself to see what example she is being led by

However it sounds like she needs help and love to guide her through this. If you show her to love a healthy diet and exercise then maybe she will. Tackle it as a problem together. Plenty of people are in the same boat show her that comfort food isn't necessary. Give her your time and I think you'll find the root to the problem

The first post says 'she has also gained quite a lot weight.' Which as someone else mentioned, does raise the question of how thin this child must have been before if putting on a 'lot of weight' makes her a size 6.

Binge eating is not as serious as Anorexia which can kill and is the biggest cause of mental health deaths. Bulimia can be dangerous when vomiting interferes with electrolytes. Binge eating needs support but it is not as dangerous. Frankly I’d swap any day and I think the op would too if she had a child with Anorexia.

@StalkedByASpider I agree actually.

The only attacking that's happened is you attacking me.

I don't care about your qualifications. Your behaviour is unkind and unpleasant and I find it hard to believe you've ever helped anyone.

Either way, please leave me alone now.

Binge eating doesn't necessarily mean you follow up with vomiting and is itself an eating disorder.
I think you need to sit your daughter down, apologise for how you spoke and the way you may have made her feel. I would explain you are concerned about her emotions and her health regardless of her weight or size and ask how about her eating.
Ask her if she feels she's eating more than normal, does she feel there's a reason for the way she eats, how does she feel before and after she eats.
This is definitely behaviour indicative to a binge eating disorder so I'd encourage you to look online for guidance from some of the charities that exist for how to approach it. May also be worth speaking to the GP, medical conditions and things like ADHD can also create eating like this.

There is literally no value in pitting eating disorders against each other.

Teens need fat. A tub of ice cream over 3 days and Nutella is fine. What does she have for meals?

Wtf?

@caramelegg is right. The first thing any therapist will advise about binging is to stop any kind of food restriction and work on intuitive eating. (The Fuck It Diet is a great book for learning about this. )

Reading the updates OP seems very restrictive around food and critical of her daughters body. I'd work on your own beliefs around food and eating first, OP.

A very badly worded suggestion of Cushing's syndrome?

Could she have a hormone test?
She might have an imbalance - seems not a coincidence that she just started her periods at the same time she’s got these immense cravings for the types of foods you mention.

Why badly worded? I thought it was asking whether she was bullimic, bullimics often have a very swollen face

You need to take some responsibility here. If you had an alcoholic in the house, would you continue to buy alcohol and give them free access to it then bollock them for drinking it? Your child is struggling with something here. Berating and shaming her for it is not the way to handle this. You need to get to the root of the cause.

caramelegg

There is when there are hysteria and inaccuracies being posted.

A growing teen eating perfectly ok foods ( even in large amounts)is not as dangerous as a restricting teen and anorexia which the op is in danger of causing. Inflating and equating the two is in danger of causing the later.

All eating disorders are serious and dangerous. Those with anorexia often go on to develop BED and vice versa, and BED sufferers can develop bulimia. You can also be overweight and anorexic.

You really don't want to swap between any of these. They are all dreadful disorders to suffer with. Sorry that your daughters going through this.

She’s 11, and wears clothes 13-14 or women’s size 6. You’ve said she’s tall for her age, not overweight and seems to be well into puberty. She’s also quite active. This is very different to your first post.

Obviously tubs of Nutella aren’t great, but honestly, she’s probably just hungry as she’s growing and is fairly active despite you saying she’s not. If she’s not overweight, I think there’s less of a problem than your first post hinted at. If you’re making her feel like it’s a big issue, that could explain the hiding wrappers, rather than there being an ED going on.

I’d speak to her about needing to eat a good diet and better foods, but in terms of volume of food, teens eat a lot and it’s not an issue if they’re a healthy weight.

Ok I missed the post where they suggested that, I thought someone was being unkind 🙈

Anorexia is more deadly and whipping up hysteria about a very active teen eating a tub of ice cream and Nutella over 3 days is dangerous.

She is a growing teen, a size 6 and doing triathlons.

OP. You are right to be concerned about her diet. The amount of sugar she is consuming is going to cause health issues in the short, medium and long term.

Isn’t this an issue for your whole family though? May be worth looking at your family’s consumption of snacks and sugar. Change your family’s food environment, as others have said.

Pure, White and Deadly: How Sugar Is Killing Us and What We Can Do to Stop It

• by John Yudkin

Supply a wide variety of nutrient-rich unprocessed food and encourage her towards those by example. Rather than focusing on what you see on the outside, focus on her developing life-long good eating habits and understanding the nutrient content of different foods. For example, which foods can help her skin, hair, nails - things that teenagers tend to focus on.

I hope you find a way forward. Best of luck.