Fat shamed my daughter and now feel terrible and looking for advice on how to handle it.

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

NC for this…

I’ll start by saying this is completely out of character for me and I’m normally very careful of the language I use around my girls, however this has been a fairly long going issue and I snapped this morning and now feel terrible.

DD11 has gone from a very slim and active child to one with little energy and has turned into a bit of couch potato, she has also gained quite a lot weight. This on its own wasn’t too concerning she is my 3rd child so I’m well aware of the hormone change and the Y7 energy and personality slump, she has also changed shape and has got her period this year.

What is however is really worrying me is she has been binge eating which has built up over a quite a long time and now is the worst it’s ever been.

It started with the odd extra chocolate biscuit for snack time or can of juice (not allowed unless she asks) which I’d find hidden behind the sofa, I never made a big deal as thought normal kid like behaviour and she was also really active, XC running, riding, triathlons so using a lot of energy, we just upped her meal sizes and spoke about healthy food choices (in general and not in relation to the extra snacks)

Skip 18 months and we are here, it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

She will hide packaging, wrappers, cartons cans behind her bed, down the pack of toilets, under the sofa. If we confront her or even just try to talk to her about it she will either deny or ignore, mimic us and storm off.

todays catalyst was I found out in 3 days she has eaten an entire tub of ice cream, a family size tub of mango piece’s in fruit juice, a jar of Nutella and was getting stuck into a bag of Doritos at 10am

For the 1st time I was very straight with her and told her she was getting bigger and it’s because of her diet, I didn’t use the word fat but I did say that her dream sport/goals won’t be reachable and she just won’t have the fitness level or physique to do it and that she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

She did get very upset and hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day, I’ve since apologised but commenting on her appearance/weight but that I’m worried about her and we need to address it but she is having none of it.

I know I haven’t handled this correctly but I’m very open to advice on how to take it from here…

How serious do we think this is sounding, is it something I can work through (correctly) at home, or should I now be reaching out to a GP

(So not to drip feed she had a test for diabetes a few months back in relation to something else and got the all clear. We also took her to the HV when she was a toddler as was really desperately thirsty for juice, she would try and get to and drink all the cups set out at toddler group and no drink was safe if out, she also often has a pear drop smell to her breath and with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on)

she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

I find this one of the most disturbing bits, to be honest. It sounds like...
a) the binge eating is a simple choice, and this is very unlikely to be true (regardless of cause)
and
b) the Dr is something to be threatened with, rather than a source of support

I don't want to add to your woes, but this bit might be worth thinking on and shaping future conversations to be focussed on getting her support, not threatening her.

Used to work for Beat.

OP, it does sound like you maybe need to examine your own attitudes to food and weight. Your dd isn’t overweight but you are restricting her snacks and drawing attention to the fact that she is getting bigger, which is perfectly normal at that age. My own 11 yo is a similar size to yours and is nowhere near overweight. She has filled out in preparation for puberty but like you say, that is normal.
It sounds like you may have some rigid ideas about good and bad foods, too. Please take this on board.

The issue is NOT her weight or size. The issue is the unhealthy, disordered eating pattern. Making her co scoops of her weight / feel ashamed of her eating will NOT resolve this. It will diminish her self esteem even more and fuel further disordered eating. I know you have posters here telling you that there’s nothing wrong with telling her that too much food makes you fat, but I can assure you that I have heard endless similar memories from people hospitalised for severe eating disorders.

Don’t mention weight. Focus on how she is feeling. Don’t restrict food, otherwise she will be driven to binge.

Overcoming Binge Eating by Christopher Fairborn is a very good, factual and science based book that will help you understand the physiology and psychology of ED’s. Use the Beat helpline for advice, not inexperienced posters here who just don’t know. Please.

@beastlyslumber Of course you do, you have spent the last 20 years counselling parents of children with EDs.

I think it's extraordinary that an 11 year old needs to ask for permission for juice and that you have too much junk in your home. Of course a hungry tween is going to reach for the easiest (and tastiest) snack option.
I don't think you fat shamed her but you were off and might trigger an ED.
MN is unfortunately the hub of competitive undereating and it shows in some of the replies.

Solidarity, me too.

@Gemcat1 I did read what you said. The other poster's comment was far more useful to OP than anything you've written on here. The comment might've been blunt but it wasn't rude, and given the sheer number of posters falling over themselves to excuse OP's fatphobia and convince her she's not harming her daughter, I'd say a bit of bluntness doesn't go amiss here.

My binge eating started at around 15. More than 10 years later I’m still struggling with it. You’re right to address it - it’s an eating disorder and just as serious as anorexia, even though it might take longer to affect your health. Society doesn’t take it as seriously but it is serious. Sorry you’re both struggling with this issue, it’s an awful one to have because everywhere you look the addictive substance is there, being pushed in your face and you need to eat daily so the triggers are constantly there. I’ve finally been referred to an eating disorder clinic so I’m helping I’ll finally beat it.

Sorry OP but I agree with the above.

Me too. Like I said in my post I really don't think it is the massive deal posters are making it out to be. The child is clearly hiding the wrappers because she knows her mum will disapprove. Dd is 13 and especially around her period her junk food cravings are wild, that's always my tell when she is due her period when I get texts saying will you buy me the biggest chocolate bar the shop has, or I really need ben and jerrys. Dd is a size 6 and has a lovely figure, teenage hormones are wild and I'm not going to judge her for being hungry or having cravings. Me and my friend when we were teenagers used to go to the shop after work and buy heaps of junk food and just sit and eat it all because we knew or parents wouldn't approve. We were both very slim and eat like normal people now!

And actually OP maybe it's a good idea if you do go to the GP as you've threatened your daughter with if she doesn't stop eating. The GP will probably be trained to spot parents who are creating unhealthy and potentially dangerous food habits in their children and perhaps they can get your daughter some therapy to help her understand that you are the problem and not her. I imagine her self esteem is pretty non-existent which won't lead to a great adulthood

I’m still not sure where people are getting that her food is restricted or that I’m policing snacks, I have never said that is any of my posts, apart from cans of juice and even then I clearly said I didn’t directly speak to her about just has a generalised conversation with all 3 DC about good choices and healthy eating

She has access to everything nothing is restricted.

Your whole post is about how you snapped at your daughter for eating snacks and made her feel like shit? How is that not policing snacks?

You need to stop buying those unhealthy foods so they aren't in the house or swap them for healthier things, I think that would be a first easy step. I also definitely think a trip to the doctor is needed, as that sounds like quote intense sugar cravings. Also can you start doing some physical activities so she is exercising and active. It's actually probably quite important this is tackled now before it gets unmanageable. You also need to be careful not to give her a complex. I come from a family of slim (well we used to be!), attractive girls and there was one fat cousin, I've looked back at photos and she wasn't fat at all, which shocked me as that's how I always perceived her. Now she is very overweight, which I think must have a lot to do with how she was treated, particularly by her parents. It's a fine balance.

I don't know what your problem with me is. You seem really unpleasant.

Yes I do know a huge amount about binge Eating disorder and I have recommended resources to the OP as well as giving advice.

You, on the other hand, are just picking on a random poster and making nasty comments. Maybe have a think about how that reflects on you.

Sympathy from me. My 14yr old eats too much rubbish and I'm worried about diabetes or her gaining weight. She isn't active and has only just got back to school after horrific school refusal issues. She's not bulimic as she's rarely in the bathroom.
It's a really hard line to tread.

The updates sound more worrying re the OP than the daughter. A tall, very active 11 year old going through puberty and changing shape is being told she won’t be able to do her sports anymore if she carries on. It does sound like something is a bit off.

Lots of teens eat a ton of snacks- you only have to see some of the other posts on here about being eaten out of house and home. it’s hard to tell from the OPs post if it is just teen excess or something more. A tub of icecream could be a small one and relatively easily to get through in 3 days. Nutella would take a bit more effort but depends on the size. Eg 200g over 3 days probably not great but not necessarily concerning. A 900g tub in one sitting probably would be. A box of mango - hard to see how anyone could be that bothered. A pack of Doritos could be a small packet- op doesn’t say. Also she can’t be 100% sure the other kids aren’t eating some as well.

Just to say again, bingeing is a compulsion not a choice. Rational conversations about good choices don't help, it doesn't work. And the more a binge eater is told what the right choices are and how other people (eg their sisters and mother) are capable of making those right choices, the worse the spiral into self loathing becomes.

She doesn't sound fat at all, just bigger than her siblings. Reading through this, she's probably just hungry so maybe she needs healthier snacks in between meals and more veg with dinner. She's just growing 🤷‍♀️

I am going against the current. You've told an 11 year old size 6 she's getting bigger because of her diet and so her clothes don't fit? She has a lot of growing to do and no matter how slow or healthy she grows is she's going to feel shit now 🤔. Maybe focus on diet and health rather than size. Maybe have a chat about how of course she's going to be bigger as she's only 11 at the moment but you want her to grow healthily.

I think it isn’t about eating too much day to day but about what and when she binges. A tub of ice cream, mangoes, Doritos in one sitting is something that should raise red flags and whilst she might be tall for her age and a size 6 I can see why you are worried for her going forward.

You mentioned that she had given up some activities.

Could something have happened in those activities. Is there a common denominator, another child, a teacher, a location in the groups she had given up.

You also mentioned her periods starting That can play havoc with her craving for things like the ice cream and mangoes and other sweet stuff.
Is there a pattern to when she eats and what she eats?

I would say there is always a trigger whether medical or psychological when people suddenly start to binge eat.

I have adhd and I would say that for me it was about visiting the fridge several times per day just to have a hunk of cheese or a small bowl of grapes. Nothing huge because it was the dopamine hit I was after not necessarily about the amount of food I was consuming in one go.

Yes, sorry OP, but your own attitude to food sounds extremely disordered and unhealthy.

Your DD is more active than the vast majority of kids her age with mucking out horses, and riding and by your own admission she's not overweight and only a size 6. She's got boobs and is having periods, so inevitably she's maturing into an adult-shaped body - so her clothes will get tighter!

Your OP insinuates that she's got a weight problem "gained a lot of weight" and described her as a "couch potato". She's neither a couch potato nor overweight judging by your later details.

You've also told your DD - who by your own admission is a normal weight - that she's not going to be able to do her dream sport and if she carries on stuffing her face you're going to drag her to the doctor.

I'm worried that you can't see what you've done wrong here. Your DD is already hiding the food she's eating from you - all teens make crappy, easy choices if you make it available. And now you're making your normal weight, active DD feel guilty for being hungry during a growth spurt.

Really, please rethink this. You're going to create problems where there aren't any - and her not being able to talk to you about food and hiding wrappers is a sign that you're already affecting her attitude to eating.

She is not overweight if she’s a size 6 and what you’ve listed in 3 days doesn’t sound horrendous for a growing teen.

There is a lot of drama on here. It doesn’t sound like binge eating and even if it was no that is not as serious as Anorexia or Bulimia.

I think you really need to rein it in. I have a daughter with Anorexia. It’s horrendous and very difficult to get rid of. I think you’re in danger of causing a serious ED.

I imagine this thread will be deleted soon as quite a few posters have now told OP a few home truths.

I really hope your daughter gets some support OP to deal with her homelife. Imagine being 11 years old, tall with boobs and periods l, wearing size 12-13 and being told by your mother your clothes don't fit because of your diet and if you don't stop eating snacks you'll be taken to the OP 🤦🏻‍♀️. It's posts like these that make me wish Mumsnet wasn't anonymous as that poor child is having to deal with OP by herself with no support.

@caramelegg That wasn't the person I was criticising

She is developing a binge eating disorder. She is in the grip of a compulsion, a burgeoning addiction.

I had the same from the age of seven. Eventually diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.
My family were very free with their criticisms: “fat”, “greedy” etc. Absolutely no practical support was forthcoming whatsoever though. We were mostly fed processed food, it was the nineties. The house was full of penguin bars and clubs and crisps and soft white bread. I was completely unable to control myself, shamed, and wretched.

As an adult the only thing that allows me to control my binge eating is avoiding trigger foods. Everything you list her binging is classic trigger foods: processed sugar and carbs. Doritos, Nutella. You are in control of her food environment. Stop keeping it in the house. No-one needs Nutella. Processed foods are much like alcohol: some people can handle it, some become hopelessly addicted. Many people older and wiser than your daughter can’t control themselves around it. Just get it out of the house for the time being, and make sure she can’t get it while she’s out of the house. I repeat, you are in control of her food environment. After a week or so without it the physical urges will subside. The desire will likely remain however, and that’s what she’ll have to work on.

It’s a terrible thing to be addicted to food. It’s everywhere, and people are so, so cunty about it. If she’s getting fat she’s going to be the recipient of a lot of cuntiness. Make sure you’re not one of the people dishing it out. Try to reframe the disgust your post is dripping in. She is a child, in the grip of a compulsion. Look up binge eating disorder. And treat her with compassion.

Binge Eating disorder is just as serious and difficult to treat as any Eating disorder.