Fat shamed my daughter and now feel terrible and looking for advice on how to handle it.

[99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters]

NC for this…

I’ll start by saying this is completely out of character for me and I’m normally very careful of the language I use around my girls, however this has been a fairly long going issue and I snapped this morning and now feel terrible.

DD11 has gone from a very slim and active child to one with little energy and has turned into a bit of couch potato, she has also gained quite a lot weight. This on its own wasn’t too concerning she is my 3rd child so I’m well aware of the hormone change and the Y7 energy and personality slump, she has also changed shape and has got her period this year.

What is however is really worrying me is she has been binge eating which has built up over a quite a long time and now is the worst it’s ever been.

It started with the odd extra chocolate biscuit for snack time or can of juice (not allowed unless she asks) which I’d find hidden behind the sofa, I never made a big deal as thought normal kid like behaviour and she was also really active, XC running, riding, triathlons so using a lot of energy, we just upped her meal sizes and spoke about healthy food choices (in general and not in relation to the extra snacks)

Skip 18 months and we are here, it’s got so bad that even bags of sugar aren’t safe…

Snack on Friday afternoon after school was a pack of mini cheddars, 2 slices of toast an orange and a doughnut and as soon as I’m in for work she’ll ask what’s for dinner.

She will hide packaging, wrappers, cartons cans behind her bed, down the pack of toilets, under the sofa. If we confront her or even just try to talk to her about it she will either deny or ignore, mimic us and storm off.

todays catalyst was I found out in 3 days she has eaten an entire tub of ice cream, a family size tub of mango piece’s in fruit juice, a jar of Nutella and was getting stuck into a bag of Doritos at 10am

For the 1st time I was very straight with her and told her she was getting bigger and it’s because of her diet, I didn’t use the word fat but I did say that her dream sport/goals won’t be reachable and she just won’t have the fitness level or physique to do it and that she really needs to stop binge eating or else we will have to take her to the Dr.

She did get very upset and hasn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day, I’ve since apologised but commenting on her appearance/weight but that I’m worried about her and we need to address it but she is having none of it.

I know I haven’t handled this correctly but I’m very open to advice on how to take it from here…

How serious do we think this is sounding, is it something I can work through (correctly) at home, or should I now be reaching out to a GP

(So not to drip feed she had a test for diabetes a few months back in relation to something else and got the all clear. We also took her to the HV when she was a toddler as was really desperately thirsty for juice, she would try and get to and drink all the cups set out at toddler group and no drink was safe if out, she also often has a pear drop smell to her breath and with her now eating raw sugar have always wondered if there is something medical going on)

I think the fact she's been hiding the wrappers is an indication that she knows herself this isn't healthy and she shouldn't be doing it.

I'd certainly be contacting GP and seeing what they say. Disordered eating springs to mind but ND is also another angle that needs considering.

For goodness sake she definitely is not starved, restricted or hungry, she has access to a wide range of foods, ingredients and snacks.

She will often come in from school and have a tin of beans on toast for snack, weetabix with yogurt and fruits or eggs on toast and then have her main dinner a few hours later…

And for those who are jumping on the sugar on sugar comment are taking it completely out of context, of course as an isolated snack or dessert honey on ice cream isn’t the end of the world but when the bowl is behind the sofa along with a half bag of sugar and spoon and 6 penguin biscuit wrappers (hence the subject of this entire thread) it makes it a bit of a bigger worrying issue.

@99problemsincludinghavingteenagedaughters

It doesn't matter what you say to those posters, they'll twist and twist and twist it and keep taking it out of context.

There's been plenty of posts on here over the years from parents with children who are very overweight or even obese and the parent gets abused on here for trying to tackle it, and accused of all sorts.

You are doing the right thing! and it's in line with what all government organisations recommend parents to do for their kids!

This may have been true once, but is definitely losing ground. A study published 2 weeks ago found that 47% of the French population are overweight and 17% are obese.

Numbers are harder to pinpoint for anorexia, but generally estimated at about 1,5% for women aged 18-35, and less than that for teenagers. Although it rises to approximately 3% for students and sixth formers in Paris.

This woman's daughter is a size 6, this is absolutely nothing like the situation you've described here. You sound absolutely demented.

And as the OP said the weight gain on its own wasn't too concerned about the weight gain as she understands the hormonal changes associated with puberty.

It's the binge eating that concerns her.

The situation described here is similar in that the daughter seems to be showing very problematic eating habits, which if left to continue could then lead to being overweight in future. This child could have a binge eating disorder despite being a size 6. You don't just ignore potential eating disorders just because a child is still a healthy size. 🙄

That would be demented.

Didn't you say she only eats the sugar when you've not done a food shop and there's no other snacks though? This story is all over the place. You sound incredibly resistant to the idea that her diet is a bit lacking in calories despite many people telling you the same. I'm getting the vibe you're desperate for a diagnosis to excuse what you perceive as her 'piggy behaviour' rather than her just being a normal hungry child?

Likening this situation to parents with obese kids being told not to comment on weight is mad though. She says she's worried about the 'binge eating' but then she says what her daughter eats and multiple people comment on how her diet is deficient or not enough food which she ignores, she then backtracks wildly on the sugar comment saying it's 'only' if there's no other snacks. I agree with the person above that OP sounds like she is just disgusted that her daughter has gained weight and is eating what OP thinks is 'too much', and while I agree with you that children who are obese/overweight etc also need 'handling' (in a sensitive and appropriate way) this doesn't sound at all like what's going on here with OP.

Thank you.

I do feel better and have had some great advice.

Yes multiple people said it wasn't enough food, but how on earth would they know that? No one knows the portion sizes.

Also they said it's deficient, but it doesn't look like it to me, she sounds like she'd be easily hitting the protein and fat targets with that diet if the macros were all added up.

Very much disagree that she just sounds disgusted with her gaining weight. Most mothers are just not like that. Many on here have stories about their weight obsessed mothers from back in the day, these days it is far more complex, we are bombarded about the importance of healthy eating for kids from when they are babies, we are constantly told to strive for balance and to discourage junk. We are constantly told that it's in our childrens best interest. We are told about the long term impact, most parents are concerned about their childrens wellbeing, health/self esteem/confidence etc.
Weight gain can be seen as a symptom of a potential issue in the future, and something that needs to be watched, it doesn't mean a parent is disgusted by it, just like if a child loses a lot of weight a parent could see it as something that needs to be watched/addressed.

Do government organisations say not to provide snacks and then jump to wild conclusions when the child is hungry and grabs whatever is easy? If you look on tiktok theres a whole thing where people talk about growing up in 'ingredient only' households, basically where no easy to grab snacks were provided and the things they used to snack on and the things the OP mentions are really common. Do government organisations say to deny that your child is hungry because you aren't hungry so your growing child can't possibly be?

You can see the Op latching onto medicalising this rather than taking any personal responsibility for what her daughter is doing. It's far easier for the OP to say that her daughter is doing something wrong than it is for her to admit that she is. It's a sad situation all round really but you keep talking about very overweight children and obesity fueling the OPs clear food issues when it isn't relevant to her very normal sized daughter.

Yes multiple people said it wasn't enough food, but how on earth would they know that? No one knows the portion sizes.

Because the daughter is clearly still hungry, it's not bloody rocket science is it?

'Most mothers are just not like that' lol. I guess you haven't read all of OPs posts. Trust me, those of us who grew up with Mums like this who ended up with EDs because of it can smell it a MILE off. OP keeps changing her story constantly as well to cover up the fact that she just doesn't like that her daughter is hungry. Saying over and over again 'she's not hungry' won't answer if she's actually asked her. Has said herself sometimes there's nothing to eat so then and only then her daughter eats sugar with a spoon. Completely messed up for a growing child to be around this. Some weight gain is meant to happen, you do not need to make a huge deal about it when an 11 year old starts a period and needs a size 6. People on here who think it's absolutely fine for the OP to act the way she has frankly should not be mothers to young girls. So, so damaging.

Exactly OP hates that her daughter is hungry and she'd rather think she has a binge eating disorder or medical problem. Why not feed her a bit more and better meals with more nutrients, make sure there's not a day when there's no snack to eat except sugar with a spoon FFS and then see how she gets on. Nah, this little size 6 fatty MUST have binge eating disorder or diabetes or something.

I don’t want to be that person but that food you mention is full of sugar and it f you can’t see it you have a problem.

First of all, stop purchase Nutella and all this and that, it’s full of sugar and fat and it’s no good for anyone.

secondly, swap out high calorie food (rice/pasta/potatoes) and add in more green and “above ground” vegetables that contain less starch.

third. See food as energy units. When you fill your car with petrol, do you stop or let it pour out on the ground?
need vs wants.

Im not from UK but work at times and it’s horrible what doesn’t habits you have vs your weekly activity targets.

get in the drivers seat of this, go through your cabinets and rinse out food and snacks with high sugars and starch. Honey, sugar, chocolate, chocolate crisps, donuts.

my son has a cousin who go is obese and he he parents have turned a blind eye and refuse to action on the school doctor.

us as parents have a responsibility to take care of our children, that includes food and dietary habits!

Op I think you are a normal, concerned mother and I would feel the same. I think that I have a binging problem as recognised some of the habits you mentioned. I remember being a child and asking my mum to stop buying sweets and rubbish, as I was struggling so much. My mum just has a square of chocolate and is satisfied but I completely lose the plot and almost black out until the sqeet stuff is gone. My mum just told me to have more willpower. It sounds like you really care. Getting to the bottom of this now is the best thing you can do. Mumsnet will find holes to pick apart. They don't know you so try not to be upset at some of the inaccurate assessments of your situation.

Thank you, I hope I have got in there early enough that it’s something we can work through.

I don't understand how she can be an XS size 6 and quite tall and be overweight? My DD is XS, size 6 in school uniform as that is the smallest they do. It fits pretty well, not massive on her, she is not particularly tall, most would describe as elfin and is under 20 percentile for weight/height, certainly nowhere near overweight. I don't understand the correlation. Both my DC eat loads, probably more rubbish than you have described. I'm not particularly shocked as I was the same. My DC both walk quite a bit but no hiking or anything.

“She will often come in from school and have a tin of beans on toast for snack, weetabix with yogurt and fruits or eggs on toast and then have her main dinner a few hours later…”

But this isn’t abnormal for teens at all. You’re using this as an example being suggestive of s problem but I don’t think it is at all- especially not for a size 6 tall child. The 6 penguin wrappers and sugar behind the sofa more so but it’s hard to get a sense of the issue when some of your posts make it sound like she has a binge eating problem and others sound pretty typical.

Is this the first time you have eluded to her intake as if she is being secretive I'm wondering if she senses your disapproval. My DD will not have toast as a snack, will leave stuff she doesn't want at dinner time but definitely has too much sweet stuff, she will buy her own sweet stuff in Sainsbury's Local like her nearly 16 year old brother, sometimes he buys it for her, I would say it is pretty typical behaviour for secondary children.

What a disgustingly horrible comment at the end of your post.
OP is doing what a parent should be doing, what governments advise!!

She made comments yesterday which made her feel ashamed and she then tried to rectify it.
Government and health organisations give advice on what to promote and how to do it, they don't however say what to do if that doesn't work, people might make small mistakes when dealing with frustrating issues, doesn't make them a bad parent or an unsuitable one for girls.

What is most likely here?

That the OP, the childs mother, the one who lives with her daughter, who sees her daily habits and so on is jumping to 'wild conclusions'?
Or that the posters here are doing so?

No, she used that as an example to say that she's not starved, restricted or hungry. It was literally the line she wrote before giving the example.

For goodness sake she definitely is not starved, restricted or hungry, she has access to a wide range of foods, ingredients and snacks.

She will often come in from school and have a tin of beans on toast for snack, weetabix with yogurt and fruits or eggs on toast and then have her main dinner a few hours later…

And can people educate what an actual binge is please.it is not this.nope.not at all.
Not saying it can't developed buy binges.my god you've no idea if this is what people are saying is one.
Also the hiding is shame. Sadly that could be bought on by a mother with issues regarding a size 6 girl changing in puberty and calling her what the op has and in attitude. If people can feel it on this thread her daughter can most certainly at home be feeling it from her mum.

Eating g disorders do NOT have a look.this is the oldest boring stigma inducing shit.harmful.dangerous.
Bit if she does have one it is even worse to try and cut her food.comment.or add more shame. And she then definitely does not need a diet plan bit something to help hermind and mental health as to what she cannot express or feel or cope with that food has become the symtom to show it.l,cope.

Thank you, exactly that!

I’ve stopped answering the posters that are taking my worlds completely out of context and running with their own narrative for a bit of added drama.

MN is so weird sometimes.