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Original poster

Father left child and went out

181 replies

elliees11 · 03/03/2023 20:17

Since me and my ex don't speak my mum does the contact with him. He takes her every other Saturday night. On Saturday he picked her up and he was dressed and he never is he's always in work clothes as he works to 6 and picks her up at 7. We smelt a rat when he came down dressed but we let it go. So my mum messaged him around 9 to see how the child was getting on and there was no response all night until 10 the next morning. So then he left her back Sunday and my mum said to him where u out last night or something and he said no no I just wasn't on the phone so we took his word for it but knew something wasn't right when he didn't send any photos of the child on Saturday which he usually does. Mum said to him any photos from Saturday and he said no and put his head down instantly we knew something wasn't right. So during the week I found out it was his friends 21st birthday and he went out drinking and left the child with his parents. When mum confronted him about it on Wednesday he said what does it matter to you and she said it's the fact you lied and couldn't tell the truth to make other arrangements when it's your time with your daughter to sleep over. So me and my mum decided she won't be going back up if he can't be there for her because it's not the first time he's went out and left her with his parents because his mates told us. Do you think we're being too harsh not letting her go up to stay? He's still yet to apologise it's the fact he lied about it and couldn't just be honest and make other arrangements idk are we being too hard???

OP posts:
beamout · 03/03/2023 20:26

Is it a problem the child was somewhere else? I get wanting to know where but are they safe there? If yes is it a problem?

Original poster
elliees11 · 03/03/2023 20:28

beamout · 03/03/2023 20:26

Is it a problem the child was somewhere else? I get wanting to know where but are they safe there? If yes is it a problem?

Yes the grandparents are very good to her but it's just the fact it's his time with her not to go out drinking

OP posts:
Donnashair · 03/03/2023 20:30

Why is your mum texting him and expecting him to show photos? Or expecting responses to texts in a time frame she finds acceptable? Is this court ordered? That he must check in with your mum?

It was his evening, if he chooses to use childcare, then that’s his choice.

It’s not great if he does it all the time, but as a one off, I don’t see the issue. It was his evening, he sorted care for her.

Unless it’s court ordered this all sounds very over the top.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Sometimeswinning · 03/03/2023 20:30

I thought you meant he left her alone! No you can't stop him seeing her. It's not your choice or call. He sounds a dick but she spent time with her grandparents so she was happy and safe.

WhistleWhileIWork · 03/03/2023 20:32

I thought you were gonna say her left her I'm the house alone. But she was with her other grandparents, so safe.

Sometimes he's gonna have social engagements that fall on his weekend with dd, but she just stays with her other grandparents.

Unless the other grandparents are dangerous or abusive, I think you're being over the top in refusing him any further access because he had an evening out.

He lied because of your inevitable reaction - he doesn't want his access stopped.

You're being unreasonable.

Saturdaydreamingway2355555 · 03/03/2023 20:32

It’s really controlling tbh, what he does in his time is his time, let it be

Can2022getanyworse · 03/03/2023 20:33

YABVVVU.

He didn't abandon the dc. He left them in the care of loving and capable grandparents. Just as you do from time to time I imagine.

It is NOT up to you what he does in HIS time with dc. And you CANNOT refuse his contact with dc unless you have grave safety concerns.

WandaWonder · 03/03/2023 20:34

Like others I was expecting left alone, there is no problems in what he did

BlackeyedSusan · 03/03/2023 20:36

Don't be daft. His time his choice. It's fine to be with grandparents.

Despite this I'd still be a bit annoyed though that he's not stayed with them

Ginger1982 · 03/03/2023 20:36

YBU and your mum shouldn't he texting him on his time to check up, nor should photos he demanded. Does his mum text you on your time? Are you not allowed to go on a night out and leave her with your mum? Perhaps he felt he couldn't be honest because you would have stopped her going if you'd known. You can't stop contact for this.

itscomplicatedagain · 03/03/2023 20:36

I see your point but unfortunately you can't control him and what he sees as his priorities. I've had to learn this the hard way. My ex will never be the Dad I would like him to be. Its better to allow contact as long as it's safe. Your child may develop a good relationship with their Grandparents and that's a positive.
If you stop him seeing your child he may take you to court to force you to enable contact.
Studies have shown that a not great parent is better than a completely absent one ( as long as he's not abusive / unsafe of course. )

RunTowardsTheLight · 03/03/2023 20:37

It's ok for him to do this OP.

VioletaDelValle · 03/03/2023 20:38

I don't see the problem?

CremeEggThief · 03/03/2023 20:39

He should have told you, yes, but he didn't need to ask your permission to go out and leave her with her grandparents, OP.

Honestly I thought this was going to be about him leaving her home alone!

macncheeeesey · 03/03/2023 20:39

OP, is was his friends 21st birthday and your DD was safe with grandparents.

Chill out! Stop trying to police his time with her. If he parties every weekend then your reaction would be understandable. He could hardly have got his mate to change his birthday around.

Let it go!

WhistleWhileIWork · 03/03/2023 20:40

Is your mother this controlling all the time? Is she the one that's decided she'll deal with the contact with your ex instead of you?

It's also OTT demanding texts and photos throughout his access time, and policing where he's allowed to go/not go when he has his own dd.

You also don't say how it was discovered several days later he'd been out. Facebook stalking? Interrogating his other acquaintances?

All very suffocating and over stepping a lot of boundaries.

Unless your dd is at risk, none of this is OK.

Bluegrass22 · 03/03/2023 20:40

You are being very unreasonable. If you don't speak to eachother then he probably didn't want to communicate to try arrange an alternative night to have your child, probably assuming you would be unreasonable about it.

Newuser82 · 03/03/2023 20:40

Yes it's fine I think although I can see why you are miffed as you think he should want to spend the little time that he has with your child. Unfortunately I think as they were safe and happy with grandparents I don't think there will be anything you can do.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 03/03/2023 20:40

You're so wrong on this. It's his contact time and he can arrange appropriate childcare on his time. All this messaging when he's got his child is mad. It sounds so controlling from your end.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/03/2023 20:42

Well if hes left him/her with their Grandparents thats fine. From your title I was thinking he'd gone out on the raz until 2am and left your little one alone. Also Why are you referring to your Daughter as the child. It seems like a very detached statement to me.
Sorry if it seems like I'm getting at you

HelloBunny · 03/03/2023 20:42

Do you leave her with your mum when you go out? Do you tell him?

Not ideal, when the idea is it’s daddy / daughter time, but still...

Runningonjammiedodgers · 03/03/2023 20:43

itscomplicatedagain · 03/03/2023 20:36

I see your point but unfortunately you can't control him and what he sees as his priorities. I've had to learn this the hard way. My ex will never be the Dad I would like him to be. Its better to allow contact as long as it's safe. Your child may develop a good relationship with their Grandparents and that's a positive.
If you stop him seeing your child he may take you to court to force you to enable contact.
Studies have shown that a not great parent is better than a completely absent one ( as long as he's not abusive / unsafe of course. )

Yep I agree.

I would be super pissed and have a good vent to my mum and my friends. It's shitty when he doesn't have her alot. But is also not a reason to stop contact.

He missed out on time with her but that is ultimately his choice. And he left her with an appropriate babysitter. My ex is far from ideal too but I can't control what he does or how he spends his time with the kids. As long as they are safe and well I have to leave him to get in with it.

Let it go, don't stop contact, this is not your hill to die on.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 03/03/2023 20:45

And also he had her. Even if she was with his parents. Which in my opinion is far better than telling you he's not going to have her and leaving you in the lurch having to cancel any plans you have made.

Crazycrazylady · 03/03/2023 20:46

The poor man.. I thought from your post that he left her alone. He left her with his parents for a few hours.. you sound mental 'smelt a rat' fgs.

TheCatterall · 03/03/2023 20:47

Is she allowed to stay at your mothers house without his permission when it’s your time with her?

they are her grandparents as well. She’s safe with them. And he probably didn’t tell you because of how you are both reacting. 🤷‍♀️

acting like this will continue to make it difficult to co-parent.

yes he could have told you etc - but rise above it. Build a relationship over the coming years with his folks. Make life easier for your little one - as she will pick up on the both or yours behaviour as she grows up.