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Original poster

Father left child and went out

181 replies

elliees11 · 03/03/2023 20:17

Since me and my ex don't speak my mum does the contact with him. He takes her every other Saturday night. On Saturday he picked her up and he was dressed and he never is he's always in work clothes as he works to 6 and picks her up at 7. We smelt a rat when he came down dressed but we let it go. So my mum messaged him around 9 to see how the child was getting on and there was no response all night until 10 the next morning. So then he left her back Sunday and my mum said to him where u out last night or something and he said no no I just wasn't on the phone so we took his word for it but knew something wasn't right when he didn't send any photos of the child on Saturday which he usually does. Mum said to him any photos from Saturday and he said no and put his head down instantly we knew something wasn't right. So during the week I found out it was his friends 21st birthday and he went out drinking and left the child with his parents. When mum confronted him about it on Wednesday he said what does it matter to you and she said it's the fact you lied and couldn't tell the truth to make other arrangements when it's your time with your daughter to sleep over. So me and my mum decided she won't be going back up if he can't be there for her because it's not the first time he's went out and left her with his parents because his mates told us. Do you think we're being too harsh not letting her go up to stay? He's still yet to apologise it's the fact he lied about it and couldn't just be honest and make other arrangements idk are we being too hard???

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 04/03/2023 00:32

"Me and my mum decided she's not going back there" - your mum doesn't get to decide anything.
He is her father, he's done nothing wrong here, your mother should not be messaging him constantly and expecting contact. It's very odd, as is your constant use of the term "the child", for your own daughter. One of the prettiest things I've read here, do not try stop him seeing his daughter over something so pathetic. She deserves better than this.

marchella · 04/03/2023 00:40

Do you live with your mum? It seems that way. Can you not move out?

Manicpixidreamgirl · 04/03/2023 01:34

Do you ever go out OP? Who looks after the child when you’re out?

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IhateJan22 · 04/03/2023 01:48

Jeez leave him to it, things will come up sometimes when he has her, he’s made suitable arrangements for her. You sound controlling.

quietnightmare · 04/03/2023 01:50

He should be spending his time with her but it was a birthday party rather than just going out with his friends

BUT

You are controlling

ALSO

Weird how you refer to your daughter as 'the child'

BadNomad · 04/03/2023 02:12

Would your mother have stopped him having the child if he'd said he was going out that night?

Your mum needs to back off. It's actually none of her business, or yours, what happens during his contact time.

OnaBegonia · 04/03/2023 02:23

When he leaves the child back she's asking him if he's with other girls and about going out and she asks me if he's on any girls story on Snapchat and if he goes out and all it's her with the problem
what on earth does this mean?
leaves the child back? brings the child back, I've a sore head reading this garbled mess.

Tinypetunia · 04/03/2023 02:36

Your title implies that he left the child alone. YABU.

bizclasswindows · 04/03/2023 03:57

You and your mum are absolutely mental. Even just based on the language of the first post, you sound like a nightmare controlling duo. But based on your latest update, your mum needs to get her own life instead of obsessively investigating her ex's dating life on Snapchat. How is her own marriage and social life?

Also, by "his mates told us", you mean you and your mum approached them, because there is no way his friends would just randomly text a no-contact ex to volunteer that info.

Would you like him to go harassing your friends about what you were up to, e.g. if you left your child with your (very, very involved) mother to go to a hen party?

Interpreting making childcare arrangements with loving grandparents in advance to go to a friend's milestone 21st birthday as dumping the child to "go boozing" = quite extreme language. Could your mum be poisoning you against him?

bizclasswindows · 04/03/2023 03:58

Also, as long as the grandparents are safe and loving, I would actually consider the child bonding with his extended family part of "his" time with the child. Otherwise, when else will the child get to form safe and nurturing relationships with his relatives on that side who do love him?

After all, your mum seems to have a lot of say in your child's life. Surely you can allow the child's paternal grandparents some of the same involvement. Not necessarily to the same scale if you're the main parent (though I do wonder if custody is being unfairly withheld here as your mum sounds nuts), but is spending time with their grandchild that bad?

3luckystars · 04/03/2023 04:04

Well you allow others to look after your daughter so why can’t he?

I think there must be a lot of hurt here but for your daughters sake, try to put it aside. He is not going to be perfect because nobody is.

all the best.

Trez1510 · 04/03/2023 04:17

As others have said, the vibe here is if he'd asked for a swap of weekends your mother would have refused.

He did what he had to do i.e. celebrate a friend's 21st birthday while his parents, your child's adoring grandparents, looked after her.

Where is your father in all this? Has he no say? No empathy for his gd's father?
Or is your mother punishing this lad for whatever your father did?

As others have said, your mother sounds unhinged and, frankly, toxic. For the sake of your daughter, do not follow her lead.

bizclasswindows · 04/03/2023 04:38

"So my mum messaged him around 9 to see how the child was getting on"

"when he didn't send any photos of the child on Saturday"

"When he leaves the child back"

OP, you don't refer to your daughter as if she's your own? You've never once said "my child", "my daughter", etc, which is the natural thing to do. The only time you say "your daughter" is when you're quoting your mum.

Are you mimicking how your mother talks about "the child"?

MissMarplesbag · 04/03/2023 04:42

It's got nothing to do with your mum and you should be grateful that your ex is interested in his child. To be honest, I wouldn't have a problem with this because the party was after bedtime. Your dd would have been asleep so if he went out then its a non issue.

Have you never been out for a night out and left your dd with your mum? It is not your decision to deny your dd access to her dad on a flimsy excuse. In future, don't have any more kids because you're too immature to have them. If you're not careful, you'll end up being a controlling nightmare like your mum.

MissMarplesbag · 04/03/2023 04:45

Sort your contraception out and don't have anymore children. Both you and your mum sound toxic and unhinged.

Oblomov23 · 04/03/2023 04:56

It's none of your business what he does. None. Your dd is safe and happy. If he occasionally chooses to go out and leaves dd with his parents, who she knows and is happy with, that is fine, and every court in the land would say so.

fairgame84 · 04/03/2023 04:59

I feel sorry for the bloke.
Your mum needs to wind her neck in.
Stop asking for photos and updates, let him enjoy his time with his daughter.
Stop stalking his social media, it's sounds like your mum is looking for problems. God help him when he moves on, your mum sounds unhinged.
What role do his parents play in your daughters life? Does your mum let them have contact?

nobodygirl2023 · 04/03/2023 05:01

Redglitter · 03/03/2023 22:18

So me and my mum decided she won't be going back up if he can't be there for her

Its really nothing to do with your Mum. It's between you & him

To be fair I don't have a problem with it I want the contact to continue

So act like an adult & tell your Mum to butt out. Its fuck all to do with her.

This!

Sounds like its your mum that's your problem here.

Why does she get to be part of the decision whether your daughter sees her dad or not?

Also, do you intend to ever go on a night out and leave her with you mum for the night? Will you inform your ex you're doing this? Is it cool for his mum to demand details about your social life and photos of your child when she wants?

MissMarplesbag · 04/03/2023 05:58

The op sounds like a 16 year old, although my 16 year old neice has far more common sense that the op.

Raindancer411 · 04/03/2023 06:12

OP, I wouldn't get myself worked up. If he would rather spend time with his friends than his daughter on the only contact he gets, he is missing out. At least your little one is seeing their other grandparents so are maintaining a relationship with them. He is the one losing out here, but don't be the one to be the bad person on pulling contact, if he doesn't change it, you have offered him now to do that and it's up to him.

Bournetilly · 04/03/2023 07:15

He shouldn’t of lied to you but with a reaction like this I can see why he did.

He is allowed to sort childcare on his night, you’ve said yourself that his parents are good to your daughter. You can’t stop him seeing her because of this.

Your mum sounds obsessed. Could you start talking to him again? For the sake of your daughter.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/03/2023 07:20

MaidOfSteel · 03/03/2023 21:41

Nobody seems concerned that he'd rather not spend his time with his daughter, and would rather go out boozing instead. Not much if a dad, is he.

It was a 21st birthday party - a special occasion and the children was spending time with her grandparents.

TheRookie · 04/03/2023 07:21

Don't you ever go out and leave your daughter asleep with a babysitter??

Presumably she was asleep while he was out anyway!

Poppyblush · 04/03/2023 07:32

You and your mum are a bit odd. Why is she demanding photos? It’s very controlling. You sound very young - don’t let your mum dictate that her behaviour is normal.

freesia86 · 04/03/2023 07:36

This is very unreasonable. Sometimes I go out and my mum babysits. I'm sure you do this too.

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