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Original poster

Father left child and went out

181 replies

elliees11 · 03/03/2023 20:17

Since me and my ex don't speak my mum does the contact with him. He takes her every other Saturday night. On Saturday he picked her up and he was dressed and he never is he's always in work clothes as he works to 6 and picks her up at 7. We smelt a rat when he came down dressed but we let it go. So my mum messaged him around 9 to see how the child was getting on and there was no response all night until 10 the next morning. So then he left her back Sunday and my mum said to him where u out last night or something and he said no no I just wasn't on the phone so we took his word for it but knew something wasn't right when he didn't send any photos of the child on Saturday which he usually does. Mum said to him any photos from Saturday and he said no and put his head down instantly we knew something wasn't right. So during the week I found out it was his friends 21st birthday and he went out drinking and left the child with his parents. When mum confronted him about it on Wednesday he said what does it matter to you and she said it's the fact you lied and couldn't tell the truth to make other arrangements when it's your time with your daughter to sleep over. So me and my mum decided she won't be going back up if he can't be there for her because it's not the first time he's went out and left her with his parents because his mates told us. Do you think we're being too harsh not letting her go up to stay? He's still yet to apologise it's the fact he lied about it and couldn't just be honest and make other arrangements idk are we being too hard???

OP posts:

FairFuming · 03/03/2023 20:49

My ex cancels visits with our kids regularly, doesn't show up when he's meant to and is about as reliable as a chocolate teapot. I'd be over the moon with an ex who was responsible enough to sort alternative, safe childcare so that he didn't let our kids down but gave them time with other loving family members. I think you need to take a step back and realise that you can't and indeed shouldn't be trying to control what he does with his time even if it annoys you.

Onnabugeisha · 03/03/2023 20:49

Yes you are being too harsh and fucking controlling. He’s done nothing wrong and it’s blatantly obvious he didn’t want to admit to his child being with the grandparents for few hours because he knew how controlling and unreasonable you would be about it.

Wnikat · 03/03/2023 20:51

It’s none of your business what he does with her during his contact time. She was safe and cared for. You should let him live his life

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Marblessolveeverything · 03/03/2023 20:51

He is well within his rights to have his child minded by his parents. The level of control is unhealthy and not appropriate.

TheySeeMeRowling · 03/03/2023 20:52

I’d focus on things that are your business. Do you tell your ex your every move?

SpinningFloppa · 03/03/2023 20:53

Well I bet if he didn’t turn out to take her and cancelled and left her with your mum you would have a problem with that as well! It was his “time” and he arranged child care on his time which is what I see most women saying the father is suppose to do if something comes up on his time with the child.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/03/2023 20:53

Wow, you are being completely unreasonable. Slightly batshit really.

So, do you never leave your daughter with anyone else to go out ever? Not with your mum? That's all he did. You are being completely controlling, unacceptably so.

Confusion101 · 03/03/2023 20:55

Does he know where you are all of the time when you have the child? Totally unreasonable and way too harsh! He sorted good childcare. Leave him be!

PeekAtYou · 03/03/2023 20:56

Legally he's allowed to ask his parents to babysit during his time. You would look bad in court if you withheld contact for this. It's the equivalent of him keeping your dd when you use a childminder or your parents for childcare. Prioritising a party is pretty crap but trying to trap him in a lie with the photos is also pretty crap. Sorry

Mrsjayy · 03/03/2023 20:57

elliees11 · 03/03/2023 20:28

Yes the grandparents are very good to her but it's just the fact it's his time with her not to go out drinking

Show quote history

This was a one off he is allowed to go to an arranged party maybe he didn't say anything because he didn't want the grief.

Noicant · 03/03/2023 20:57

Think yabvu and you sound really controlling.

Crispymandm · 03/03/2023 20:58

Seems like your dd didn’t have a problem with being with grandparents for the night and still wants to see her df. In an ideal world social engagements wouldn’t ever land when we spend time with our children, but the reality is that they do. We all need childcare sometimes, seems like both your ex and dd kept the truth from you as they you would disapprove of the situation, but yes it would be very unreasonable and damaging for your dd to stop contact with her father for this.

passtheolives · 03/03/2023 21:00

YANVU
you & your mum sound incredibly controlling

Original poster

elliees11 · 03/03/2023 21:01

To be fair I don't have a problem with it I want the contact to continue but like I said before she's literally obsessed with him. When he leaves the child back she's asking him if he's with other girls and about going out and she asks me if he's on any girls story on Snapchat and if he goes out and all it's her with the problem

OP posts:

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 03/03/2023 21:01

Usually when parents are separated it is up to each parent to organise and arrange the child’s time with their side of the family. The parent who has the least access will always have the least time to do this. Yes it means that he’s ‘giving up’ time with his child, but the child is also gaining wonderful memories and growing a strong bond with their grandparents. When else would that happen if not on his time?

Mrsjayy · 03/03/2023 21:02

Your mum is obsessed with him is that what you ate saying?

Mrsjayy · 03/03/2023 21:03

Are*

Bluegrass22 · 03/03/2023 21:04

How old are you? Why is your mum so involved? She is probably being protective of you and your child but she needs to back off

lopsees · 03/03/2023 21:04

He can decide how to spend his time with child. He chose for child to stay with his parents.

Is that a problem? No.

PrinceHaz · 03/03/2023 21:06

In fairness to the OP, he only has the child once a fortnight so although she can’t police him she can rightly feel upset that he chose not to spend that time with her.
Also, people are stating that she was cared for by loving grandparents therefore all is good. We don’t now, from what the OPs told us, enough to make a judgement about their level of care. We don’t know whether the child was neglected by them that night or not.

passtheolives · 03/03/2023 21:06

elliees11 · 03/03/2023 21:01

Who is the ‘she’ in this, your mum?

if so that’s weird :s

Starlightstarbright1 · 03/03/2023 21:06

V controlling was the thoughts that went through my mind..

why does he need to send photos for one night?

I don’t blame him for not telling you . This is your response. If he cancelled he would be letting dc down. He didn’t get to pick the night his maté’s birthday is.

As it is 21st I assume you are both young… A good relationship with both parents is best for the child.

I went to mediation with my ex . Mediation said contact with mil is sorted on ex’s contact time

Beamur · 03/03/2023 21:07

Your Mum is way too involved..
YWBVU to withhold contact.
Yes, ideally he should spent time with his DD on contract time but making an alternative arrangement for DD to spend time with her grandparents is fine.

MillicentMold · 03/03/2023 21:09

Your ex attended his friends 21st birthday party. Your DC was safe with his GP’s. I don’t get your angst tbh. Do you never envisage having a night out out with friends, leaving your DC with his maternal GP’s?

Is there a backstory as to why your DC’s paternal GP’s are not capable of caring for him?

JustSoTired23 · 03/03/2023 21:09

Omg.
Yes its his time he can still go out
Just like you can in ' your' time

He doesn't need to tell you.

My ex doesn't tell me and we don't tell dh ex either
In fact when dh took his ex to court she brought up the fact in 2 years dh went out twice without dc And left them with me. ( both works dos)
The judge told his ex it was his choice and she cant dictate, just like he can't dictate her life.

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