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Original poster

Father left child and went out

181 replies

elliees11 · 03/03/2023 20:17

Since me and my ex don't speak my mum does the contact with him. He takes her every other Saturday night. On Saturday he picked her up and he was dressed and he never is he's always in work clothes as he works to 6 and picks her up at 7. We smelt a rat when he came down dressed but we let it go. So my mum messaged him around 9 to see how the child was getting on and there was no response all night until 10 the next morning. So then he left her back Sunday and my mum said to him where u out last night or something and he said no no I just wasn't on the phone so we took his word for it but knew something wasn't right when he didn't send any photos of the child on Saturday which he usually does. Mum said to him any photos from Saturday and he said no and put his head down instantly we knew something wasn't right. So during the week I found out it was his friends 21st birthday and he went out drinking and left the child with his parents. When mum confronted him about it on Wednesday he said what does it matter to you and she said it's the fact you lied and couldn't tell the truth to make other arrangements when it's your time with your daughter to sleep over. So me and my mum decided she won't be going back up if he can't be there for her because it's not the first time he's went out and left her with his parents because his mates told us. Do you think we're being too harsh not letting her go up to stay? He's still yet to apologise it's the fact he lied about it and couldn't just be honest and make other arrangements idk are we being too hard???

OP posts:
Rollonspring23 · 03/03/2023 21:42

From the title I was expecting that your child had been left home alone. He arranged other childcare with people who are responsible and love your child; to go to a 21st party which is a one off event. Yes he lied but it sounds like your mum was suspicious right away and maybe this is why. I don’t see any issue let alone any reason to be preventing contact. There’s no reason why Grandparents can’t be involved during his contact.

WhistleWhileIWork · 03/03/2023 21:47

MaidOfSteel · 03/03/2023 21:41

Nobody seems concerned that he'd rather not spend his time with his daughter, and would rather go out boozing instead. Not much if a dad, is he.

If it was every single weekend that he had his dd, you'd have a point. But for a one-off event like a 21st birthday for one evening, I think it's grossly over-reacting.

Would the OP be chastised for having a night out for a friend's special birthday while she left her with a grandparent on one of the weekends with her dd?

He has a life too.

MichaelFabricantWig · 03/03/2023 21:51

Honestly grow up. You sound about 14.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
letthemalldoone · 03/03/2023 21:53

What age are you both?!!

UsingChangeofName · 03/03/2023 21:53

I agree with everyone else.
I presumed you were talking about a man leaving a child home alone.
You are being ridiculous.
He left her safely looked after with loving Grandparents. Like many parents do when they get invited to something.
Your Mum needs to get her nose out. It is nothing to do with her what he does / where he goes when your dd is with him, in the same way that you don't have to account to him every movement when she is with you. You sound really controlling.

Mulhollandmagoo · 03/03/2023 21:56

Both you and your mum are hugely unreasonable, it's almost as if you're desperate for him to trip up and do something wrong, and looking into it as much as you did is really odd, you both sound very controlling.

Your child father has done absolutely nothing wrong here, he has left his child in the capable hands of her grandparents to go out - it's something that a lot of us have done in the past, it's probably something you have done in the past.

My advice, when your child is with their dad, let them be with their dad, back off and calm down. Unless he is putting them at risk, then no, you cannot stop access because you and your mum didn't want him to go for a drink for his siblings 21st, and then interrogated him about it, it would be harmful and unfair to your your child.

LaughingCat · 03/03/2023 21:56

This is a really weird set up. You’re the kid’s mother, stop letting your mum run your life and start coparenting in a grown up fashion with your ex.

From your post, it doesn’t sound like he was abusive (or I would have thought you’d have mentioned that by now and you say you’re happy for your girl to have contact).

Really, really controlling behaviour on the part of you and your mum though, expecting photos and updates and telling him what he ‘should’ be doing in his time with her. Just…weird.

DumpedByText · 03/03/2023 21:58

You can't police what he does during his contact. She was safe, warm and fed no doubt, you need to chill!

Dunnoburt · 03/03/2023 22:01

Yabu..... your child was looked after.

MyriadOfTravels · 03/03/2023 22:01

Sorry but whatever he does when your dd is with him isn’t your problem.
Yes ut was a shit thing to do but she was safe and gut to see her grand parents.

You can’t control that and ‘force’ him to be a good dad or do things your way.

SarahDippity · 03/03/2023 22:03

Your mum is setting him up to fail, and she is colouring your view. You are both being incredibly unfair on him. Of course he’s defensive, being interrogated about his night out. This is a very toxic set-up and not at all child-centred,

Fireflies23 · 03/03/2023 22:07

I’m guessing he is quite young as it was his friends 21st. He is allowed to go out. I think he should have been more honest but maybe felt he would miss out on seeing his child at all? Would you have let him swap day. His parents are allowed to have her too. It sounds like he is having to stick to your mums rules? Can you and him work on communication it would be better for your child.

Pubesofsoberness · 03/03/2023 22:08

Wtf is wrong with your mum? She sounds obsessed. No wonder he didn't want ti mention he was going out

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 22:08

I don’t think it’s ideal to go out on the one night you have your child but it sounds like it’s a one off.

Your mum seems way too involved.
She should be handing the child over and that’s it.
He should not be sending her photos at all and that’s very controlling of her.

Unless there is a safety issue then I think you need to grow up and hand the
child over yourself every week.

Looneytune253 · 03/03/2023 22:08

It sounds like you have a lot of support from grandparents but he's not allowed to utilise grandparents on his own time when it's his friends 21st. Will you never be joining your friends on their big birthdays?

Theunamedcat · 03/03/2023 22:09

So did he actually spend any time with the child at all? Seems weird that he collected her to sleep at his house and bought her back in the morning? Kinda smacks of getting his nights in to reduce child maintenance

Anyway he left the child supervised its a non issue really but the lying is a dumb move he could have asked to change days because he wanted to go out or said I'm off out I've arranged for my parents to babysit etc etc

It all just sounds so immature I had a conversation with my ex about him acting like an infant I said your nearly forty grow up and take some responsibility he yelled back no you grow up and be responsible it was like arguing with a toddler!

blackheartsgirl · 03/03/2023 22:11

yabu I’m afraid.

my dgd stays with me occasionally if my son happens to have a commitment on the night he has her whether it’s work the next day or he has a very rare night out.

in fact dgd is with me now as he has overtime early in the morning.

her mum is fine with it.

unless there’s a massive backstory with the other grandparents then you’re overreacting a bit.

you do sound a bit controlling as does your mum.

CuteCillian · 03/03/2023 22:11

Sometimes he's gonna have social engagements that fall on his weekend with dd, but she just stays with her other grandparents.

Your Mother sounds very involved with your child, why can't his parents be the same?

Finallyfree41 · 03/03/2023 22:11

if he’s leaving her the majority of the time that he has her then maybe you have a point but if it’s occasionally and her grandparents are good with her then I see no issue.

OheeOheeOh · 03/03/2023 22:11

You made it sound like he'd left his daughter alone, he didn't, he asked his parent's, your child's grandparent's to babysit. I don't understand what's wrong with this and why you get a say? Surely it'd be worse if he refused to have his daughter that weekend?

Schoolchoicesucks · 03/03/2023 22:15

Sorry, OP, YABU here. Your DC was left with grandparents which he's perfectly entitled to do during his time. Of course if it's the only time he gets with DC you might expect him to prioritise spending that time with the DC, but a friend's 21st is also important and would DC have been asleep anyway?

Do you never leave DC with anyone else while they are with you?

I'm assuming there are issues if your mum has to do handover, but if DC is not at risk with him or his parents then you (and your mum) should let him get on with it. Don't use withdrawing access to "punish" him for going out with his friends.

Redglitter · 03/03/2023 22:18

So me and my mum decided she won't be going back up if he can't be there for her

Its really nothing to do with your Mum. It's between you & him

To be fair I don't have a problem with it I want the contact to continue

So act like an adult & tell your Mum to butt out. Its fuck all to do with her.

autienotnaughty · 03/03/2023 22:20

It's upto him what he does surely? Are you saying you will never go out ever? And presumably she was asleep most of it?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 03/03/2023 22:22

Do you ever go out and leave your child with your Mum/any other babysitter? If so, YABU.

However, he is BVU not to inform you where your child was.

PennyRa · 03/03/2023 22:22

Having the occasional sleep over with her grandparents is a good thing. When else but on his time is that supposed happen?

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