Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Father left child and went out

181 replies

elliees11 · 03/03/2023 20:17

Since me and my ex don't speak my mum does the contact with him. He takes her every other Saturday night. On Saturday he picked her up and he was dressed and he never is he's always in work clothes as he works to 6 and picks her up at 7. We smelt a rat when he came down dressed but we let it go. So my mum messaged him around 9 to see how the child was getting on and there was no response all night until 10 the next morning. So then he left her back Sunday and my mum said to him where u out last night or something and he said no no I just wasn't on the phone so we took his word for it but knew something wasn't right when he didn't send any photos of the child on Saturday which he usually does. Mum said to him any photos from Saturday and he said no and put his head down instantly we knew something wasn't right. So during the week I found out it was his friends 21st birthday and he went out drinking and left the child with his parents. When mum confronted him about it on Wednesday he said what does it matter to you and she said it's the fact you lied and couldn't tell the truth to make other arrangements when it's your time with your daughter to sleep over. So me and my mum decided she won't be going back up if he can't be there for her because it's not the first time he's went out and left her with his parents because his mates told us. Do you think we're being too harsh not letting her go up to stay? He's still yet to apologise it's the fact he lied about it and couldn't just be honest and make other arrangements idk are we being too hard???

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 04/03/2023 07:37

Op you need to stop being so childish and actually speak to your ex. You have a lot of years of co-parenting in front of you. Why is your Mum asking if he's seeing other girls? Are you allowed to see other boys?

I think he should have the child a minimum of 24hrs a week ie picking up at 7 on Saturday dropping of at 7 on Sunday. Give him time to actually do stuff with her. Not home - story - bed - breakfast and drop off. She must be asleep most of the time he has her.

I'm guessing you both still live with parents. So he would have seen DD on Sunday morning but it's not really enough to have a proper relationship.

BeStrongLittleRodney · 04/03/2023 07:37

When it is your time with your daughter so you have her 24/7? Do you ever leave her with your mum?

in his time with her he is entitled to do whatever he wishes, however much you might not like it.

your entire OP was leading us to believe he had left the child home alone. No, he made arrangements for her to stay with her grandparents and didn’t tell you two because, quite frankly, this reaction.

Emerald95 · 04/03/2023 07:53

You are being unreasonable. He is her father and during his parenting time HE cab decide who cares for the child unless you have a court order saying otherwise.
Why should he defend himself to your mother? He is the child's father, he obviously has more say about her care than her grandmother

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
DuckDuckDiva · 04/03/2023 07:54

He got to go to his friend's 21st, DC got to have a sleepover with grandparents, he doesn't do this all the time as you say he's always usually in work clothes, sounds like he's done the right thing. When I was younger my dad had me for half the summer holidays as was court ordered in the divorce. He couldn't get the time off work so left me with his mum for two weeks and had me for one. Was grand! You sound extremely controlling - wanting to have photos during the time they spent together is intrusive and unnecessary, take your own photos. I feel sorry for this poor bloke.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 04/03/2023 07:59

YAB beyond U.

I presume you never leave "the child" with anyone?

By all means stop him seeing her (I hope he takes you to court). But you'd better not ever moan that you never get "a break" or can't ever go out for the evening. Because you can't leave "the child" with your mum.

Honestly, I'd have given anything for my DCs dad to be more involved. Mainly for them, so they felt loved and important. But also because it's fucking exhausting having to have childcare, back up childcare and back up back up childcare "just in case". At least one option of which is hopefully available at short notice so when you get a text 30mins after he's due to pick them up and you're ready to go out/due at work you don't have to cancel.

Justalittlebitduckling · 04/03/2023 07:59

I thought you meant he left her alone! I would say it’s time for her to connect with that whole side of the family and relationships
with her paternal grandparents are
important. She may well have had a lovely time with them. The lying is a problem, but I think you and your mum are being overly
controlling here and looking to make an issue.

liveforsummer · 04/03/2023 08:05

What? It was quite a hard read but he went out and arranged childcare on his time and that's a problem?!

It's his time with his dc so it's right he sorts childcare if it's needed - it's not really any of your business to be asking so long as dc is safe and he definitely doesn't need to be telling you finer details of his social life. That's just ridiculous. I'm sure she had a lovely time with her gran!

Daisychained8 · 04/03/2023 08:05

You are being SO unreasonable? Why can’t he occasionally let the child see her grandparents while he goes out? Presumably your mum helps you with childcare and is involved with the child, so how is this any different?

MichaelFabricantWig · 04/03/2023 08:12

I hope he gets a court order

saraclara · 04/03/2023 08:14

Your mum is a complete nightmare. She needs to keep her nose out, and you need to grow up and start communicating with your ex and being responsible for your own life and child.

He did nothing wrong. Your child was with loving and caring grandparents, and was presumably asleep most of the time that he was out.

Presumably you leave your DD with your own mum in your time? He gets to do the same.

Your mum does NOT get to text and check up on him constantly in his time. She's crazy and you need to stop her being so involved..

hryllilegur · 04/03/2023 08:18

why are you micromanaging his contact time?

Your mum shouldn’t be texting him to check what he’s up to. Nor should you be expecting photographs.

I think you - and your mum - need to get your head around the simple fact that he is your daughter’s father. It’s simply not up to either of you whether he sees his daughter or what he’s supposed to be doing in that time. So long as there are no safeguarding concerns (nothing in your posts is a safeguarding concern), he can do what he likes.

You and your ex are the child’s parents. Not your mum.

strawberry2017 · 04/03/2023 08:20

You and your mum are bat shit crazy.
It's his time, he's allowed to occasionally go out, he arranged good childcare so what's the issue.
You both need to back off.

YellowDaffodillie · 04/03/2023 08:30

How much time does your daughter spend with your mum compared to the time spent with her other grandparents?

OP, you really need to grow up and start dealing with your ex directly and stop relying on your mum to parent both you and your child.

hryllilegur · 04/03/2023 08:32

If I were him (and his family), I’d be really worried about all the checking up that you and your mum do on him.

You and your mum are monitoring what he’s wearing when he picks his daughter up.
Your mum sends texts to check up on him and expects him to respond (at 9pm when presumably ‘the child’ was in bed anyway)
There’s an expectation he provides photos to prove he’s doing what you expect.
You and your mum check up on him
through his (so-called) mates.

You sound like the ex from hell. And your mum sounds like a nightmare too.

MissMarplesbag · 04/03/2023 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Emmamoo89 · 04/03/2023 08:59

Yabu

Justmeandthedog1 · 04/03/2023 09:01

As it was a 21st party it’s probably a one off.
Does your dc usually enjoy staying with her dad?
Was dc ok staying with gparents ?
I think you’re making a problem when there doesn’t need to be one. As long as your child is safe and in a positive atmosphere ( no one slagging anyone off) it will make for a happier child and an easier life for you in the future. If your dc asks if dad sees other girls just say you don’t know, I expect he has lots of friends.

Cocobutt · 04/03/2023 09:09

I see you have another thread about how your mum is obsessed with him.

I know he was a dick to you when you were pregnant but I think you need to put your feelings aside and deal with him yourself.

Your mum being so involved with him isn’t making you happy and so it would be better for you if you told them that it’s now between you and him.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/03/2023 09:12

I think YABU. If your child likes spending time with grandparents and he has a social occasion that falls on his weekend, then it's absolutely fine. Child is still safe and cared for with extended family. It's not up to you to dictate what he does on his time. It's not up to your mother to question him. He had PR and he's not left the child alone. Now you want to cut your nose off to spite your face and end contact? Don't be ridiculous. You're doing nothing but hurting your own child. Do you not ever go out? Is that acceptable to you?

I speak as somebody whose ex left our DS with members of his staff unbeknown to me, at a busy and hazardous work environment where he also lived on site. THAT was unacceptable. If he'd left my DS with his parents, then I'd have been glad that he was safe and cared for.

hryllilegur · 04/03/2023 09:22

So is your mum obsessed with how amazing your ex is or does she think he’s useless and needs to be checked up on?

Why was she asking at 9pm to find out what your 20 month old was doing? Most 20 month olds would be in bed, I’d imagine.

Oblomov23 · 04/03/2023 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WinterMusings · 04/03/2023 11:14

elliees11 · 03/03/2023 20:28

Yes the grandparents are very good to her but it's just the fact it's his time with her not to go out drinking

Show quote history

Goady title.

he's allowed to leave her with family or a babysitter.

CremeEggThief · 04/03/2023 11:36

OP, I've read through this morning, and all I can say is even if you are a teenager, this is your child and you really need to stand up to your mother!
I would strongly recommend you getting your own place as soon as possible.

Are you sure she didn't fancy your ex? As her interest in him /his appearance/ if he's seeing other women is actually creepy.

PuddlesPityParty · 04/03/2023 15:38

@CremeEggThief i had the same thought about her fancying him.

thegirlyupnorth · 04/03/2023 15:54

You're being too controlling. He's allowed a night out and it's nice for your DC to spend time with her fathers family. I'm sure you don't stay in 24/7 with your DC and have the odd night out when DC is with your mum. Relax.

Swipe left for the next trending thread