Why aren't people supportive of a child wanting to join the military?

[321gogogo]

Just off the back of another post.

My youngest (14) is very clear about his career path. He wants to join the Navy and train to become an engineer.

We are fully supportive of this, as we are of his brother who is looking at law or IT.

I was surprised to read of so many people saying they wouldn't support their child if they wished to join the military and I was wondering why the negativity.

It's not my comment that has been deleted

By “proxy war” do you not mean help Afghanistan defend themselves against the Russian invasion and occupation? Sort of like what is going on in Ukraine now? Curious as to your rationale here…so it’s ok to defend Christian Europeans from Russian aggression, but not Muslim Asians? What’s your thought process?

Nice little internet win for you there 😉

I don’t really understand why my post was deleted. It’s what I think, and wasn’t offensive, even if it’s not true. Weird

amp.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/mar/18/uk-armed-forces-veterans-prison-population-mental-health-issues

@SherlockFones here you go.

Yep.

Many of the objections raised here are also hazards in many other professions, eg: PTSD, abrupt house moves, H&S, addiction, long periods away from home at a young age, objecting to duties imposed by employer policies, bullying, abuse... no shortage of other ways to experience those things in other occupations.

I can't think of another profession where ALL those things can apply. I can't even think of one where two or three of those things apply.

My DD's relationship with a RN officer didn't survive due to his constant absence and the danger involved in his specific role. He was very open about the bullying culture during his training and the early years of his career. An ex- colleague's daughter killed herself due to bullying in the RN, and another friend was ex RAF and one of his reasons for leaving was the people he had to work with and live amongst (in RAF accommodation). He said the intolerance, bullying and general violence was just too much, and he wanted his family out of it.

Though my DD's ex did enjoy his (somewhat action man) role, I don't know anyone ex-services who thought that the life was healthy for them or their families.

Though my DD's ex did enjoy his (somewhat action man) role, I don't know anyone ex-services who thought that the life was healthy for them or their families

DF enjoyed it - I don't know how much they missed me and DSIS as we went to boarding school.

I love having DS around during his teenage years - and do feel I missed out on that family life when young.

But in the military, when your parents move around, boarding school provides that consistency. It is hard when you come home though and don't know anyone where you live.

Thank goodness the sending the kids to boarding culture is changing - obviously some services this is happening quicker than the others!!

The sooner they stop that allowance the better in my opinion. It's absolutely not necessary for the trailing spouse to accompany their forces partner any more.

This is one area that I am grateful that DH is Navy.

If I hadn't gone to boarding school then I would have moved secondary school 3 times.
Which kind of disrupts education

And I am not sure how mum would have coped with us at home in 1 place for 7 years whilst DF was away for 3 years on a posting. Not ideal for family life or a relationship

Because I don't want my only child to become cannon fodder in a war.

Bollocks to the relationship, my children come first!! It always baffles me when people bring up the relationship - you chose to ah e children knowing the life you lead with your spouse!

I had to manage when DH was deployed for a year last year. Is it ideal? No. But my children had the stability of their home, their school, their friends and most importantly their mum during that period.

Thankfully attitudes are changing and what is best for the children is far more prominent in most peoples minds.

The Army now has a new Allowance for a spouse to settle in one place and the Serving partner to commute. Its aimed at the older members (I think its 37yo) but DH gets free accommodation on camp and two funded trips home (for us it's a five hour drive). Probably a lot cheaper than the subsidised house and boarding school allowance.

Our relationship is fine by the way. He's generally away four evenings a week.

What about the relationship between children and parents?

Seeing mum and dad. Dad used to have 3 year postings on an RAF base. Then new posting, new role.

My kids have an amazing relationship with their DH. He leaves on a Sunday after they've gone to bed and gets back late Thursday so he's there Friday morning when they wake up. He works from home on a Friday - as lots more jobs allow after covid - and picks them up from school every Friday. Our weekends are all about family time. When has was deployed he FaceTimed them every day to maintain contact.

How the hell is that worse than only seeing him during the school holidays??

Our relationship is also very strong. I don't love him being away all week but we get on. I love my job, I have a successful career and the kids are very happy in school.

My DH gets moved on average every 18 months to 2 years. No way I'd be moving myself that frequently, never mind my kids. And no way I'd be palming my children off - they need one parent if they can't have both.

Attitudes have changed. What happened with your DF's experience 30 years ago is far less common. The vast majority of navy personnel don't have their permanent residence on a naval base. What would be the point for their families if they're then deployed on a ship?! RAF is more mixed but becoming much more like the navy in terms of commuting. The army remains a bit more old school but like a PP said, there are now incentives to establish a stable home. One major reason is retention - forces personnel are more likely to stay in if their spouse/family are happy. The spouse/family are more likely to be happy if they're not moving all the time and can actually have a stable job/career/school/friends/home life.

How the hell is that worse than only seeing him during the school holidays

Neither are ideal options TBH

Commuting and being away during the week and having your children at home

or

Being away at boarding school and just seeing them at holidays

One of the many reasons I didn't join the military despite coming from a Forces family

Commuting is definitely not ideal, which is why my answer to the OP is that I will trying to dissuade my kids if they showed any interest!

What seems like a great idea at 20 becomes a very different reality once you have a partner and a family. And this is the retention problem for the forces - the amount of money spent training people up for them to leave after 5, 10 years must be massive. But people only tend to think of the 'experience' for when they're young - and I include my DH in that. He thought it was a great idea post-uni at 21. Doesn't think it was the smartest move now!

Thanks for that. I needed reminding why I’m worrying about my son joining the RAF I’ve had people say that to my face. At least he will have a career, medical care, good pension and a brilliant life travelling the world. Better than sitting in some back office somewhere filing papers. And he won’t be killing people or cannon fodder. You are pathetic. I hope no one is so rude to you.

You are the one being rude. @Sunriseinwonderland gave their opinion which it totally valid. You might disagree but to call someone pathetic for holding a different opinion is rude.

What's rude is calling someone pathetic for answering a question.

You do realise the armed forces are full of back office staff filing papers? And they are as important as whatever role your child will fulfill.

How is what your child going to do ‘better’ than people who do admin staff?

The regimented lifestyle is not what i would pick for my family. I grew up a forces kid, being moved around, new schools every few years, and whilst i met some life long friends, i didn't get to grow up with them in person, more as pen pals and weeks together in summer holidays. My father was also strict, his work life spilled into the home, if we did anything wrong, punishments were to the extreme, unproportionally to what we did. I looked forward to the 4-6 month postings jobs when he wouldn't be home. I feel being in the forces from 17 shaped who he was as a parent, and i wouldn't wish that on my future grandchildren.

I think DF did a lot of paper work. And sat in an office. But he had people to do the filing for him.

Good pension though. And a lot of living abroad in nice countries.

DH was military for a long time. Fun for him, great training and opportunities. Utterly shit for me and the kids.

It isn’t something I’d want my kids to do, no. I would like them to have a job where no one is actively trying to kill them.

I feel like the way the UK is at the minute with young people getting stabbed in broad daylight and very few job prospects...if it what your child wants to do let them and support them