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Original poster

DD's friend has been kicked out of home

188 replies

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 20/02/2023 17:50

....and is currently in our kitchen in tears. They are 15. He has had a fractious relationship with him mum and step dad for some time (though we only have his side if the story) but the rows
have apparently got worse this week. He left the house last night and was wandering around his village-he came to ours for a bit then I took him home. He said he told his mum about an earlier Suicde attempt last night and she told him to 'go away'. He has been at school today and she Has been sending him abusive messages all day telling him he is a waster etc, culminating in her saying she is chucking all his stuff out and not to come back.

I don't know the Mum at all. The boy is visibly distressed. We have a spare room he can stay in and I'm fine for him to do so-my view is it might take the heat out of the situation a bit. But I don't feel comfortable not speaking to the Mum
About it-I've asked
Him to send her my number and ask her to give me a ring. Not sure what else to do!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 22/02/2023 21:04

I am going to name change now as some of what I've posted re DD could be identifying-I was just a bit irked by the poster being horrible about her.

But Thankyou for all for your positive comments and actually for being interested in the kid in the middle of it all. Most people are kind I like to think. Even now.

OP posts:
Wantanytoastwiththat · 22/02/2023 21:06

So glad this young lad has you OP. Makes me feel extremely sad for him. My DD is the same age and I can't imagine kicking her out on the street with a few bin bags. Surely what ever is going on at home, could be sorted . Also having his mock gcse's at school will be stressful with things going on at home. You sound like a lovely caring lady and your children are lucky to have you. I hope you can guild, support and help this young boy.

AKAsomeoneelse · 22/02/2023 21:10

LadyJ2023 · 22/02/2023 20:32

Erm be very careful, you do know you could be arrested of kidnap of a child regardless of your nice intentions should the mother or one of her family etc report he is at yours.

@LadyJ2023 - kidnap? I really don’t think so!!

Wantanytoastwiththat · 22/02/2023 21:10

Forgot to add. I am sorry for what your DD has gone through. She has done amazing with her results.

CantFindMyMarbles · 22/02/2023 21:12

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 22/02/2023 20:56

Cantfindmymarbles...MASH would have been vastly uninterested in an out of hours call about a 15 year old that at that point had just had some rows with his parents and was staying at a friends house. I can tell you that their response would have gone something like ' is he safe?' 'Yes' 'bye then'.
And I work in adult mental Health. I very much doubt I will be Hearing from the LADO because I let my DD's friend stay at the house for a night. There have been no allegations made against me so I think you are a tad quick to be launching virtual LADO investigations, for heavens sake.

I made his school aware yesterday and they advised they would contact Childrens Services not least to avoid his mum becoming angry at me for involving them, and also so I could remain a neutral space for him should he need it. Making any sort of safeguarding referral might open a massive can of worms as they also have a baby living at their house-which is another reason I was loathe to do it in the moment. It invites trouble from the Boys mum for me to have done it and I don't think that would help the situation.

For those enquiring: He went home last night and neither his mum nor step dad got in til very late. He stayed there last night but there was another almighty row this morning during which his mum stuffed a load of his stuff into bin bags and effectively told him to leave.

He is staying at another friends tonight and possibly tomorrow and has tentative plans to come back to us at the weekend.

Social worker is going to see him tomorrow at school to discuss options. They have also mentioned CAMHS but he is unsure what's happening with that. I think they will probably offer him care leavers hostel type accommodation which I don't think would be good at all, so in which case we will offer to keep him with us, but via the proper channels. Up to him what he does obvs. We have a sort of granny flat thing in our back garden which we can fix up a bit if the worst comes to the worst-it's fine it just needs the heating sorted out as it doesn't really work very well at the minute. My DD's and younger DSS's agree that's what we should do if it comes to it and we've talked hypothetically about what issues it might potentially throw up, should it come to that. Though I'm sure there is lots we haven't even considered.

It's not ideal and it's a bit daunting but the thought of him in a room in a hostel or such isn't one I can live with.

Anyway he is safe and ok (if obviously
Very upset) in the short term and he knows we will help him if he needs us to.

Thanks to those who were positive. I was just a bit at a loss when I first posted. More re the emotions of it than the process around it. As Pp have said-it was
hard to know if it was just an argument he had had with his parents or something worse and then how to act accordingly. It seems unfortunately that his mum and step dad don't want him for now, so worse than just a one off argument.

DH said in jest today 'I knew I shouldn't have married a social worker-There'll be waifs and strays all over the gaff'... he is agog as he works in the city and hasn't been much exposed to this side of life-but he is very good about it to be fair to him!

As a DSL myself that is complete and utter twaddle.

nonetheless - I’m sure when the school do the referral they will give your name and details as they’re required to do so. This will then be followed up with your employer as you have a notifiable job.

Luckymummytoone · 22/02/2023 21:36

Poor boy 😭 he’s so lucky to have you keeping him safe OP xx

Pinklemons9 · 22/02/2023 21:42

I’m glad you’re looking out for him, it’s very generous of you to offer him room at your house but definitely the right thing to do. He must be feeling very alone and worried right now. I hope his mum comes to her senses!

Justforlaffs · 22/02/2023 21:52

I would be doing exactly the same as you OP.

No way would I see a 15yo friend of my dc's on the street. Appalling behaviour from his parents.

Im sure the kindness you have shown him will be a bit of positivity in what has possibly been a very shit childhood.

Jeezypeepers · 22/02/2023 21:53

CantFindMyMarbles · 22/02/2023 21:12

As a DSL myself that is complete and utter twaddle.

nonetheless - I’m sure when the school do the referral they will give your name and details as they’re required to do so. This will then be followed up with your employer as you have a notifiable job.

Show quote history

Why are you posting to just be sneery to the OP? Just scroll on if you don’t have anything supportive to add.

changeme4this · 22/02/2023 22:27

I hope he is ok. I'm so pleased he had the strength to come to yours OP and not chuck life in because of a poor parent.

Maybe bio Dad needs to be back in touch with his offspring, wouldn't surprise me if he was pushed away initially..

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 22/02/2023 22:36

Hi @TheLastDreamOfTheOak
I too am a social worker and I can say some of the critical PPs are outrageous and talking ill-informed rubbish

What you have done is absolutely my spot on and supportive. Kudos to you colleague

Btw LADO wouldn't be involved nothing here to trigger LADO . Hmm You have behaved with kindness and care.

What is most important (& please ignore silliness) is that this young teenager is now under CSD who are talking with him from a pastoral care SCHOOL referral, that you passed onto them. They will advise and take it up to make sure he is supported and safe. If that means his coming back to yours temporality for an odd night, that is a kind thing

You have no reason to name change unless you want to. I hate it when PPs erroneously dig into an OPs history and start making assumptions and casting aspersions.

I'm totally behind you and think you've been incredibly caring , considered and reasonable

templesit · 22/02/2023 22:46

Op just to say you sound truly lovely.

Ireallydohope · 22/02/2023 22:49

I would be calling the police because I'd want them to get to the bottom of his DM and step dad behaviour towards him

Obviously you'll be calling the school tomorrow and SS

You've been brilliant

Just get everyone involved esp the police as they have more power re his parents they seriously need looking into

There's something going on at home and they need to explore this

Ireallydohope · 22/02/2023 22:50

Get him to screen shot all the messages from his DM to pass on to the police they need to see it all to build a picture

Ireallydohope · 22/02/2023 22:51

His DM has basically told him to go kill himself and that she doesn't care

Ireallydohope · 22/02/2023 22:51

Have no further contact with his DM

Waterfallgirl · 22/02/2023 23:01

Well done so far OP - I’d like to think that if I was in your position I’d do exactly the same.
I cannot understand any parent who throws their child out ever but especially at a vulnerable time , aged 15 , previous suicide attempt , just prior to his exams … just awful.
So pleased your DD is ok - and she also brought the friend home to you in his hour of need - so she sounds a chip off the old block too.
Also lovely to hear your family DH and DSSs are also supportive.

Lochjeda · 22/02/2023 23:06

Thank you, thank you, thank you for caring about this boy and giving him somewhere safe to go. His mother sounds utterly toxic.

BlueSeaWave · 22/02/2023 23:50

MadamArcati99 · 21/02/2023 16:35

@WhereIsMumHiding3

did you even read that the Op's DD has made suicide attempts andthe OP is always picking her p high or drunk, as well as stashing weed in her home. They really sound like as appalling influence on each other

Holy fucking crap you are lovely aren’t you? Why would you do this?

@TheLastDreamOfTheOak again, I think everything you have done is amazing and above board. You couldn’t have done more or by the book. Even considering having him with your family’s no giving him his own space, just knowing that safety net is there will help him so much, thank you for that. You sound an awesome mum.

Dibbydoos · 22/02/2023 23:52

Omg, well done for providing him with somewhere to stay. Def contact his mum but she sounds at the end of her tether. I take it he's an OK kid as your DC is his friend?
Let social services know but don't let them take him into Foster, he has enough on his plate.

It sounds like child protection will get involved - this is likely to have been going on for some time, poor kid.

Good luck x

kateandme · 23/02/2023 00:06

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 22/02/2023 20:56

Cantfindmymarbles...MASH would have been vastly uninterested in an out of hours call about a 15 year old that at that point had just had some rows with his parents and was staying at a friends house. I can tell you that their response would have gone something like ' is he safe?' 'Yes' 'bye then'.
And I work in adult mental Health. I very much doubt I will be Hearing from the LADO because I let my DD's friend stay at the house for a night. There have been no allegations made against me so I think you are a tad quick to be launching virtual LADO investigations, for heavens sake.

I made his school aware yesterday and they advised they would contact Childrens Services not least to avoid his mum becoming angry at me for involving them, and also so I could remain a neutral space for him should he need it. Making any sort of safeguarding referral might open a massive can of worms as they also have a baby living at their house-which is another reason I was loathe to do it in the moment. It invites trouble from the Boys mum for me to have done it and I don't think that would help the situation.

For those enquiring: He went home last night and neither his mum nor step dad got in til very late. He stayed there last night but there was another almighty row this morning during which his mum stuffed a load of his stuff into bin bags and effectively told him to leave.

He is staying at another friends tonight and possibly tomorrow and has tentative plans to come back to us at the weekend.

Social worker is going to see him tomorrow at school to discuss options. They have also mentioned CAMHS but he is unsure what's happening with that. I think they will probably offer him care leavers hostel type accommodation which I don't think would be good at all, so in which case we will offer to keep him with us, but via the proper channels. Up to him what he does obvs. We have a sort of granny flat thing in our back garden which we can fix up a bit if the worst comes to the worst-it's fine it just needs the heating sorted out as it doesn't really work very well at the minute. My DD's and younger DSS's agree that's what we should do if it comes to it and we've talked hypothetically about what issues it might potentially throw up, should it come to that. Though I'm sure there is lots we haven't even considered.

It's not ideal and it's a bit daunting but the thought of him in a room in a hostel or such isn't one I can live with.

Anyway he is safe and ok (if obviously
Very upset) in the short term and he knows we will help him if he needs us to.

Thanks to those who were positive. I was just a bit at a loss when I first posted. More re the emotions of it than the process around it. As Pp have said-it was
hard to know if it was just an argument he had had with his parents or something worse and then how to act accordingly. It seems unfortunately that his mum and step dad don't want him for now, so worse than just a one off argument.

DH said in jest today 'I knew I shouldn't have married a social worker-There'll be waifs and strays all over the gaff'... he is agog as he works in the city and hasn't been much exposed to this side of life-but he is very good about it to be fair to him!

he will forever remeber your kindness op. and it will change his life.what could have gone one way.with your help will go another.
to be shown love and safety and care at this moment will stop those down ward spirals from forming for now and that will be imeasurable to his future.and his beleifs about himself.
hostels and emergency accomadation especially right now is often traumatic and horrific.for adults never mind young people.
a little place in your fold will be amazing if he can take you up on it.

JKRisGalileo · 23/02/2023 00:27

Ignore the nasty comments, you are doing the right thing. The person who claims to be a DSL themselves is one of the reasons why it is hard to do the right thing these days. Mean-spirited people do tend to try to take the joy out of being a decent human being., don't they? I hope that if any vulnerable young people finds themselves to be unsafe at home, they can be lucky enough to stumble across someone like you. Wishing you, your family and this poor lad all the best.

Youwhatnowbiggles · 23/02/2023 00:37

You are awesome @TheLastDreamOfTheOak . I only hope that should any of my kids ever need to turn to someone other than me there’s someone like you there. 💐

Jimblob · 23/02/2023 09:58

I would have called the police. Sounds like the mother and step father need locking up.

MyriadOfTravels · 23/02/2023 10:32

@TheLastDreamOfTheOak I just wanted to say Thank You for looking out for this young lad.

It’s nice to see people actually caring for other people. This lad is still a child. And it’s nit a situation any child should find themselves in.

(and I use the word child on purpose. As it has been said so many times on MN, he isn’t 18yo. His brain hasn’t finished developing and he still needs guidance)