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Original poster

DD's friend has been kicked out of home

188 replies

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 20/02/2023 17:50

....and is currently in our kitchen in tears. They are 15. He has had a fractious relationship with him mum and step dad for some time (though we only have his side if the story) but the rows
have apparently got worse this week. He left the house last night and was wandering around his village-he came to ours for a bit then I took him home. He said he told his mum about an earlier Suicde attempt last night and she told him to 'go away'. He has been at school today and she Has been sending him abusive messages all day telling him he is a waster etc, culminating in her saying she is chucking all his stuff out and not to come back.

I don't know the Mum at all. The boy is visibly distressed. We have a spare room he can stay in and I'm fine for him to do so-my view is it might take the heat out of the situation a bit. But I don't feel comfortable not speaking to the Mum
About it-I've asked
Him to send her my number and ask her to give me a ring. Not sure what else to do!

OP posts:
Anele22 · 22/02/2023 17:58

gamerchick · 20/02/2023 17:58

Have you absolute proof that he's telling the truth? Teens say this sort of stuff all the time when they just don't want to follow the house rules

If it's true, you need to refer him to SS.

How on earth would she have 'absolute proof'? And what would you suggest? That she throws him back out? It's for the social services to establish the details - the OP is just trying to stop him sleeping on a park bench.

Lollingabout · 22/02/2023 18:16

IsItBedtimeYetNope · 20/02/2023 20:27

I knew before I opened this thread that there would be the usual "children are liars" posts on here.

I don't know why it doesn't break talk guidelines when if you said the same thing about an adult woman you'd be victim-blaming and get loads of "we believe women" responses but a child? They not only have to suffer at the hands of adults they have no choice but to live with, but then they have to put up with no one believing them when they dare to speak out or break free.

Safeguarding literally IS believing children when they tell you that an adult has shown who they are.

Show quote history

This. I worked with teenagers for 15 years and unfortunately this home life is a reality for many. I don’t know why anyone would not take this boy seriously.

Hongkongsuey · 22/02/2023 18:23

gamerchick · 20/02/2023 17:58

Have you absolute proof that he's telling the truth? Teens say this sort of stuff all the time when they just don't want to follow the house rules

If it's true, you need to refer him to SS.

I know teenagers can fib sometimes but I have never come across this -and certainly not ‘all the time’. It’s normally stuff like my mum hates me or other non specific things. OP you are a kind woman, your dd is lucky to have you and will appreciate your compassion and practical help for her friend in need. And yes, contact SS and the school tell him that you have to report it. Best wishes.

Mollymoostoo · 22/02/2023 18:28

This was posted 2 days ago but here are some useful websites and apps for him and your DD..

Young minds
Kooth.com
Decider skills app
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/for-children-and-young-people/useful-contacts/

SaponificationQueen · 22/02/2023 18:34

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2023 22:07

Where’s his dad?

That was one of my first thoughts.

I’m so glad he has found a safe place to land for the night. I hope things can get sorted out for him. Poor kid. I had an abusive mother. It really does scar you for life.

CantFindMyMarbles · 22/02/2023 18:49

You work in social care and you failed to call MASH as a first port of call?!?
goodness….good luck when the LADO calls you

Leila2022 · 22/02/2023 18:59

As someone who was subjected to this awful behaviour by my parent … it is devastating and affects you for the rest of your life.

The people who turned their backs on me whilst I was a vulnerable, innocent child hurt me deeply… the people who stuck their necks out and showed compassion and kindness .. I will and have remembered this all my life up until now - i am now in my 40s

the behaviour of his mother is abuse, and disgusting… children are not objects to be tossed aside !

it would be very kind of you to help this poor boy… I know the people who helped me gave me the strength and confidence to go forward in my life and make something of myself… such kindness really does make a difference.

i would also contact the school and social services and report the wretched mother for abandonment and abuse as that’s exactly what it is

ReformedWaywardTeen · 22/02/2023 19:03

I was that teen along while ago.
Thank you for taking him in.

Just to cover yourself as his mum sounds like a cow, a quick call to the social services, they will have an out of hours team, to let them know the details is worthwhile. You can tell them you are satisfied that he can stay in your spare room for tonight.

I wouldn't liaise with mum, let the social services deal with her and I would also email school now so they get it first thing.

He's under 17 so you have to be cautious, my bitch of a mum chucked me out and changed the locks at the time, yet when I stayed with my best friend and her mum she called the police and reported her for kidnap.

Not saying his mum would but she is clearly a bloody vile person if she chucked them out over a suicide attempt.

Ducksurprise · 22/02/2023 19:11

You know what though? If she had been and for some reason I had kicked her out (I would never have done so) I would of wanted someone to take care of her.

That is how I treat my children's friends, as I hope other would treat mine.

I'm sorry your DD has had such a rough time but glad she is doing a little better. Also hope the boy is OK.

Rosejasmine · 22/02/2023 19:38

I would contact the school, they will take it from there. Poor kid…

TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 22/02/2023 19:39

we often had two of DDs friends staying over after drunken step dad threw them out late at night, bothers in their teens. They had been sleeping in the park. DD had permission to let them in if they texted, she knew where the sleeping bags were, no need to wake us up.

Some kids have shitty home lives, but not so shitty that SS will intervene because the really really shitty home life kids are taking up all of their time and resources.

The boys are in their 30's now, doing OK last I heard.

Well done for offering a safe space @TheLastDreamOfTheOak

Jack80 · 22/02/2023 19:43

I’m glad you have taken the child in, keep us posted about the situation

Ilovegardens · 22/02/2023 19:45

I'm a bit late to this thread but just wanted to say that you're a kind and wonderful person. You've absolutely done the right thing and thank goodness you were there for him. From experience and from being involved in schools, some parents really mess up their kids' lives, it's heartbreaking what some of them have to deal with.

Rainbowsparkles29 · 22/02/2023 19:54

Haven't RTFT sorry but OP this is actually quite serious I think. This is a child with suicidal tendencies. One of the major protective factors with (most) self harming children is the assumption that their parents/carers are a protective factor. This poor lad has a parent who's instead being verbally abusive and actively perpetuating his sense of worthlessness and failing to monitor him and keep him safe. As pp have said I'd at the very least speak to the sg lead at school or refer him yourself to ss. If there is even a whisper of him self harming or having active suicidal thoughts I'd take him straight to ED or ring an ambulance. This will hopefully trigger an urgent CAMHs assessment and ss referral. I would go with him if pos if it comes to this and make very clear how unprotected he is. Poor kid. I do hope he's given the support he needs xx

Morgysmum · 22/02/2023 19:56

I wouldn't phone his mum, she doesn't care about her son.
Crist, he told her he was feeling suicidal and she told him to go away.. The bitch doesn't deserve him. I know this sounds harsh, but mental health and suicide, in his age is high.
Contact a mental health support group online, for ways to help support him, talking helps, hopefully your offer of a safe place away from her, might well help him.
Could you talk to someone at school, tell them he is stopping at yours. They might be able to get him. Help.

Bignanny30 · 22/02/2023 20:09

You need to let SS know the situation and that he’s currently safe with you and maybe go with him to talk to the school tomorrow and maybe they’ll be able to speak to his parents.

GyozaGuiting · 22/02/2023 20:09

Op you sound like a wonderful Mum and those are amazing predicted grades, which give so much more context to what a great foundation you’ve given her, are just incredible. Well done.
The young man will never forget the kindness you’ve shown him, my parents were awful alcoholics and I’ve never forgotten the kindness shown to me.

CountessWindyBottom · 22/02/2023 20:11

I didn't want to just read and run. You sound like an amazing person, who is filled with compassion and kindness. His home life sounds toxic and cruel and it's no wonder the poor child is so distressed. Well done for offering him a safe space, I wouldn't underestimate what a positive effect this could have on a child who is being mistreated. You also referenced your daughter and I'm glad to hear she is doing well. She is obviously a good friend to this boy. It's funny how it's often those people who have been through so much are the first to reach out a hand of kindness to those in distress.

Chicca1970 · 22/02/2023 20:24

@TheLastDreamOfTheOak

Tread very carefully here OP.

Family dynamics in these situations can be extremely complex and not always what they seem. Mother could be struggling with MH issues as well as son - she might be a selfish cow but she might also be vulnerable and at the end of her tether - we are in the midst of a cost of living crisis.

Some teens are vile to their parents behind closed doors but present a totally different picture to everyone else. There are always varied and complicated reasons for this.

The lad is clearly upset, confused and at risk - it is fantastic that you have taken him in. I would contact Mum and let her know you will be contacting SS and the school and make sure you say this is by way of support for her and her son rather than judgement of the situation.

Most important thing is that you have given him a place of safety.

LadyJ2023 · 22/02/2023 20:32

Erm be very careful, you do know you could be arrested of kidnap of a child regardless of your nice intentions should the mother or one of her family etc report he is at yours.

MyStarBoy · 22/02/2023 20:37

You're a good person and the world needs more people like you in it💐

pointythings · 22/02/2023 20:39

@LadyJ2023 if you had bothered to read the full thread 🙄you would know that OP has notified school and SS, and I imagine she is no longer posting in order to maintain privacy and confidentiality. She was only seeking support because her twatty ex was kicking up a stink.

AmberMcAmber · 22/02/2023 20:39

I’ve been the DD in this scenario and it is tough!
get the mum’s contact info, maybe make contact with the school and explain, ask for their support - and then you could go to social services but when my parents did this they were told that my friend was too close to ageing out of child services and so nothing ‘was worth doing’ now that his life wasn’t in immediate danger (very paranoid, violent, drug abusing dad with unmedicated (in the prescribed sense) schizophrenia, lots of drug addict friends turning up etc) - no mum in the picture
so he lived with us and basically is like a brother now
about 8 months after we took him in, another one of his friends (who I wasn’t as close to) was in similar situ… he stayed with us for about 2 weeks and helped paint our living room (he insisted on contributing & we were renovating)

tldr - take him in so he is safe, make contact with mum to let her know he is safe but you don’t need to go further with her if she’s as vicious as she sounds, then ask school and soc for help/advice - it’s hopefully got better in last 20 years

twoandcooplease · 22/02/2023 20:43

Thank goodness for you x

Original poster
TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 22/02/2023 20:56

Cantfindmymarbles...MASH would have been vastly uninterested in an out of hours call about a 15 year old that at that point had just had some rows with his parents and was staying at a friends house. I can tell you that their response would have gone something like ' is he safe?' 'Yes' 'bye then'.
And I work in adult mental Health. I very much doubt I will be Hearing from the LADO because I let my DD's friend stay at the house for a night. There have been no allegations made against me so I think you are a tad quick to be launching virtual LADO investigations, for heavens sake.

I made his school aware yesterday and they advised they would contact Childrens Services not least to avoid his mum becoming angry at me for involving them, and also so I could remain a neutral space for him should he need it. Making any sort of safeguarding referral might open a massive can of worms as they also have a baby living at their house-which is another reason I was loathe to do it in the moment. It invites trouble from the Boys mum for me to have done it and I don't think that would help the situation.

For those enquiring: He went home last night and neither his mum nor step dad got in til very late. He stayed there last night but there was another almighty row this morning during which his mum stuffed a load of his stuff into bin bags and effectively told him to leave.

He is staying at another friends tonight and possibly tomorrow and has tentative plans to come back to us at the weekend.

Social worker is going to see him tomorrow at school to discuss options. They have also mentioned CAMHS but he is unsure what's happening with that. I think they will probably offer him care leavers hostel type accommodation which I don't think would be good at all, so in which case we will offer to keep him with us, but via the proper channels. Up to him what he does obvs. We have a sort of granny flat thing in our back garden which we can fix up a bit if the worst comes to the worst-it's fine it just needs the heating sorted out as it doesn't really work very well at the minute. My DD's and younger DSS's agree that's what we should do if it comes to it and we've talked hypothetically about what issues it might potentially throw up, should it come to that. Though I'm sure there is lots we haven't even considered.

It's not ideal and it's a bit daunting but the thought of him in a room in a hostel or such isn't one I can live with.

Anyway he is safe and ok (if obviously
Very upset) in the short term and he knows we will help him if he needs us to.

Thanks to those who were positive. I was just a bit at a loss when I first posted. More re the emotions of it than the process around it. As Pp have said-it was
hard to know if it was just an argument he had had with his parents or something worse and then how to act accordingly. It seems unfortunately that his mum and step dad don't want him for now, so worse than just a one off argument.

DH said in jest today 'I knew I shouldn't have married a social worker-There'll be waifs and strays all over the gaff'... he is agog as he works in the city and hasn't been much exposed to this side of life-but he is very good about it to be fair to him!

OP posts: