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Original poster

DD's friend has been kicked out of home

188 replies

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 20/02/2023 17:50

....and is currently in our kitchen in tears. They are 15. He has had a fractious relationship with him mum and step dad for some time (though we only have his side if the story) but the rows
have apparently got worse this week. He left the house last night and was wandering around his village-he came to ours for a bit then I took him home. He said he told his mum about an earlier Suicde attempt last night and she told him to 'go away'. He has been at school today and she Has been sending him abusive messages all day telling him he is a waster etc, culminating in her saying she is chucking all his stuff out and not to come back.

I don't know the Mum at all. The boy is visibly distressed. We have a spare room he can stay in and I'm fine for him to do so-my view is it might take the heat out of the situation a bit. But I don't feel comfortable not speaking to the Mum
About it-I've asked
Him to send her my number and ask her to give me a ring. Not sure what else to do!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 21/02/2023 09:20

He hasn't spoken to his dad for four years I believe

OP posts:
Nightynightnight · 21/02/2023 09:32

Poor kid. He must be feeling devastated. I know that it's already happened but I wouldn't have contacted his mum. When there is a safeguarding issue between a child and parent and the child has removed themselves from the home, I would contact social services in the first instance and make it clear that he can stay with you. If mum and stepdad are abusive then there is a fair chance they could have turned up at your doorstep putting him and you and your children at risk. You did a great thing taking him in.

And .. it is a fact that two thirds of young homeless people came from separated families or where a new partner has moved into the family home. So while not all step family situations end up this way, for those who end up homeless a step parent is a significant contributing factor.

Original poster
TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 21/02/2023 09:39

He describes the step father as not having much to say about anything really so he doesn't seem to be an issue.
Late last night his sister rang him (she also lives at the house wjth her six month old baby)and told him the baby was sick and had to go to hospital. He was obvs distressed about that as well-until his other sister texted him to say it had been made up. Honestly who behaves like that?

I've called pastoral as his school and explained the situation. They will take it from there. He is intending in going home after school to try and speak to his mum-but I've said if he needs to come back to ours her can.

Meanwhile DD's dad (we're divorced) has gone bananas because I let the kid stay over. (In the spare room-and they are very much just friends anyway).

OP posts:
stripedsox · 21/02/2023 10:01

Similar situation to another thread on here, hope it resolves for you, your family and the lad soon. Awful situation, his dsis sounds a regular fruit loop regarding the baby, I'd be concerned for its welfare as well tbh. Normal people wouldn't joke about their dc like that. Sounds a like a toxic household.

Mariposista · 21/02/2023 10:02

How kind of you to look out for him overnight. I hope a solution can be found for this poor vulnerable lad, preferably far away from his mother and stepfather.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/02/2023 10:03

Refer to SS. Always keep in mind, you've heard one side.

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 10:07

I would be taking to the school. This morning as a matter of urgency.

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 10:07

talking

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 10:08

You are not a social order Op and this child need proper support and a longer term plan.

You urgently need to bring in external support from his school and social services (although school will refer)

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 10:10

And in the meantime - do not get involved with his mother etc. Your involvement should be limited to providing a safe space until external support kicks in

whowhatwerewhy · 21/02/2023 10:15

Well done op , the school will now take the necessary steps.
Sorry your ex has gone bananas, obviously overthinking your DD friendship .
It does sound like he has a very toxic family who lies about a baby being in hospital.

Original poster
TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 21/02/2023 10:16

Ironically I am social services. Though in a different area-I do adults with mental
Health.
Pastoral will call safeguarding team for children. They (and I) thought it better I didn't ring them direct as I need to remain a bit more neutral (they feared family reprisal which might make it harder for him to come back to us if he needs to).

He has his geography mock gcse today. He was trying to revise bloody volcanoes last night in the middle of all this :(

OP posts:
bilbodog · 21/02/2023 10:17

OP it was very kind of you to take him in overnight. Passing this over to the school and external support is the right thing to do.

just be aware that this could be a family with mental health issues - we did similar for a 15 year old years ago and ended up having her lodge with us - all done formally through a local charity. We are still in touch with her 15 years later BUT it became very difficult and we had to evict her just before she was 18 but continued to support her. Dont think i would do it again as her life has continued to be very chaotic.

SouperNoodle · 21/02/2023 10:19

Well done for taking him in and helping him.
I hope all gets sorted

slamfightbrightlight · 21/02/2023 10:31

My only word of advice for today if he cannot return home or go to a relative is do not offer to take him in - wait for social care to ask you. There is a difference in law between you making a private arrangement to care for him (by texting with his mother), and the council asking you to care for him as an alternative to him going into care. It will mean the difference between him having the proper status as a looked after child and all the support that should entail, and you being left to sort everything yourself.

Herroyal · 21/02/2023 10:45

poor kid. I have an aunt is actually a sort of foster-aunt as she got thrown out at 15 and ended up being taken in by my nan. She was my uncle's best mate and they're still very close. She lived with our family til uni graduation.

dimorphism · 21/02/2023 10:58

Well done OP, I think you've done the right thing and it's best if the school / social services take it from here. It must be distressing for your DC and impacting their GCSEs as well. I hope a resolution is found

AKAsomeoneelse · 21/02/2023 11:16

I had this same situation 18 months ago with DD’s 15 year old friend. Her mother chucked her out on the street at night with all her stuff packed in bin bags (clothes, birth certificate, baby photos, the lot!). The poor kid was a bit of a handful but nothing so bad as to warrant the way she has been treated. Step Dad did not get on with her and he and the mother clashed a lot over her.

Social Services are not great with this age group. I was told she would be given emergency housing but it was an hour away in a very rough area away from all her friends and from where she was about to start college. Between myself and another friend we looked after her/gave her a room to stay in (we alternated). We found a friend of a friend who gave her a more permanent room to rent and we keep a close eye on her. She had to drop out of college but she got a job in hospitality which we then managed to negotiate into an apprenticeship and she is firmly back on her feet. Luckily she is feisty, hard working and independent but has all taken its toll on her mentally and I worry about the long term effects.

Just after it all happened I messaged the mother to say she was staying with me and was safe etc and I hoped they could work things out. She could not have cared less 🙁 The social worker even went to visit the home and was shocked by her attitude but he said there was nothing he could do.

I hope things work out ok for this poor lad.

BlueSeaWave · 21/02/2023 11:21

Thank you for believing him.
If you’ve seen the texts they’ve sent, that’s just the tip of the ice berg. Those are things they know are permanent and feel happy to send him as proof of their behaviour which they think Is ok for public reading. They think that behaviour is accepted by others and will be far worse in their own house. The pretending the kid is sick FFS. Poor kid.

Jenasaurus · 21/02/2023 11:23

Something similar happened to one of my DS friends, she was 16, her mum and step dad kicked her out on her 16th birthday, she stayed with us a few nights then went to something called The Foyer which is a type of hostel for young adults in this situation. It was heart-breaking at the time, her mum, said she had done her bit and had said as soon as her DD was 16 she was out! There are provisions for young people going through this, and my DS friend is now 30 and made her own way in life, although incredibly hard for a while for her.

BlueSeaWave · 21/02/2023 11:23

slamfightbrightlight · 21/02/2023 10:31

My only word of advice for today if he cannot return home or go to a relative is do not offer to take him in - wait for social care to ask you. There is a difference in law between you making a private arrangement to care for him (by texting with his mother), and the council asking you to care for him as an alternative to him going into care. It will mean the difference between him having the proper status as a looked after child and all the support that should entail, and you being left to sort everything yourself.

This. You want him funded and supported and someone looking out for him not it all on you.

MadamArcati99 · 21/02/2023 11:49

I think you should have rung social services straightaway. You are NOT equipped to deal with this sort of thing.

ThreeLocusts · 21/02/2023 11:50

OP it's great you're helping this kid. I second making sure social services pull their weight. Thanks for looking out for him. And your exh can do one.

AKAsomeoneelse · 21/02/2023 11:54

slamfightbrightlight · 21/02/2023 10:31

My only word of advice for today if he cannot return home or go to a relative is do not offer to take him in - wait for social care to ask you. There is a difference in law between you making a private arrangement to care for him (by texting with his mother), and the council asking you to care for him as an alternative to him going into care. It will mean the difference between him having the proper status as a looked after child and all the support that should entail, and you being left to sort everything yourself.

We looked into all avenues for DD’s friend. We spoke to the Council, the Social Worker, CAB, everything and there was no support or funding unless she accepted the offer of emergency housing and went down the ‘looked after’ route. If she had gone that way I truly believe she would have fallen victim to drugs/alcohol abuse or worse! Unfortunately 16 is a bit of a grey area where they are too old for fostering etc but too young to make it completely on their own.

CorinationStreeter97 · 21/02/2023 11:54

factual