Page 4 | DD's friend has been kicked out of home

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 2023-02-20T17:50:52+00:00

....and is currently in our kitchen in tears. They are 15. He has had a fractious relationship with him mum and step dad for some time (though we only have his side if the story) but the rows have apparently got worse this week. He left the house last night and was wandering around his village-he came to ours for a bit then I took him home. He said he told his mum about an earlier Suicde attempt last night and she told him to 'go away'. He has been at school today and she Has been sending him abusive messages all day telling him he is a waster etc, culminating in her saying she is chucking all his stuff out and not to come back. I don't know the Mum at all. The boy is visibly distressed. We have a spare room he can stay in and I'm fine for him to do so-my view is it might take the heat out of the situation a bit. But I don't feel comfortable not speaking to the Mum About it-I've asked Him to send her my number and ask her to give me a ring. Not sure what else to do!

MadamArcati99 · 21/02/2023 14:33

ApolloandDaphne · 21/02/2023 12:19

Ringing SS out of hours would have achieved nothing. They would not have removed him elsewhere, especially given the OP works in social care. The lad was safe with the OP and it has been dealt with correctly today via the school.

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Really?
Would ou be okay with a complete stranger taking your vulnerable mentally ill child under 16 into their home overnight without your consent , or possibly even knowledge? I sure as heck wouldnt be, especially if he has severe mental health problems !
I mean she says she texted, but as she doesn't know the family , who knows what number it was? She only knows what this boy has told her, which might be complete rubbish. what if the family make allegations ?
She should have phoned SS if only to cover her back.I find it hard to believe she works in SS herself and is so naive.

WiIson · 21/02/2023 14:44

She should have phoned SS if only to cover her back.I find it hard to believe she works in SS herself and is so naive.

It's not unusual for 15 year olds to stay over with no contact from the parent. And the child is not a stranger. The op has already covered her back by contacting the school.

MadamArcati99 · 21/02/2023 14:52

WiIson · 21/02/2023 14:44

She should have phoned SS if only to cover her back.I find it hard to believe she works in SS herself and is so naive.

It's not unusual for 15 year olds to stay over with no contact from the parent. And the child is not a stranger. The op has already covered her back by contacting the school.

this is how the Op describes her own daughter as being suicidal smoking, drinking and having weed in the house and that she has often picked her up drunk or high!
Just the influence this boy needs !

@wilson and i dont know who you hang out with but certanly the parents of 15 year olds i know , know where their child is sleeping at night!

Parisj · 21/02/2023 14:56

Thank you for being a port in the storm for this boy 💐.

WetBandits · 21/02/2023 15:08

MadamArcati99 · 21/02/2023 14:33

Really?
Would ou be okay with a complete stranger taking your vulnerable mentally ill child under 16 into their home overnight without your consent , or possibly even knowledge? I sure as heck wouldnt be, especially if he has severe mental health problems !
I mean she says she texted, but as she doesn't know the family , who knows what number it was? She only knows what this boy has told her, which might be complete rubbish. what if the family make allegations ?
She should have phoned SS if only to cover her back.I find it hard to believe she works in SS herself and is so naive.

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I don’t think his mum cares seeing as she kicked him out.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/02/2023 15:09

Meanwhile DD's dad (we're divorced) has gone bananas because I let the kid stay over. (In the spare room-and they are very much just friends anyway).

WTF business is it of your ex's?
Does he reckon he gets to vet every guest decision you want to make about who stays in YOUR home?

WiIson · 21/02/2023 15:10

MadamArcati99 · 21/02/2023 14:52

this is how the Op describes her own daughter as being suicidal smoking, drinking and having weed in the house and that she has often picked her up drunk or high!
Just the influence this boy needs !

@wilson and i dont know who you hang out with but certanly the parents of 15 year olds i know , know where their child is sleeping at night!

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I said, in case you didn't read it properly:

It's not unusual for 15 year olds to stay over with no contact from the parent

Not that the parent doesn't know. And this parent did know as op messaged them.

I have plenty of 15 year olds dropped off in the car to my house for sleepovers, without prior (or any) message or contact from the parent, where the kids have arranged it between themselves. That's pretty normal for pretty much every 15 year old I know. It's easier to see if kids are where they say they're going to be with Snapchat and tracking apps. And they are 15. Not 12.

WetBandits · 21/02/2023 15:10

MadamArcati99 · 21/02/2023 14:33

Really?
Would ou be okay with a complete stranger taking your vulnerable mentally ill child under 16 into their home overnight without your consent , or possibly even knowledge? I sure as heck wouldnt be, especially if he has severe mental health problems !
I mean she says she texted, but as she doesn't know the family , who knows what number it was? She only knows what this boy has told her, which might be complete rubbish. what if the family make allegations ?
She should have phoned SS if only to cover her back.I find it hard to believe she works in SS herself and is so naive.

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Also seeing as you’re so interested in safeguarding this child from OP (), surely you know that the first rule of safeguarding children is that you believe them.

WiIson · 21/02/2023 15:12

WetBandits · 21/02/2023 15:10

Also seeing as you’re so interested in safeguarding this child from OP (), surely you know that the first rule of safeguarding children is that you believe them.

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Much better to disbelieve them and chuck them back on the street where they're even more vulnerable.

Oh. Wait....

notsurewhichisbest · 21/02/2023 15:15

Well done for supporting him. Poor lad. I work in a school and see this sort of thing from time to time. Bloody awful parents and 15/16 year olds pretty much on their own. Absolutely breaks my heart to think of them trying to do it all alone.

SVRT19674 · 21/02/2023 15:23

topcat2014 · 20/02/2023 18:39

Sadly I knew there would be a "step dad", there always is..

I was about to say the same, the type of man who cannot abide another man´s children...

SVRT19674 · 21/02/2023 15:25

How can they throw a minor out into the street, here in Spain you would be before a judge for abandoning a minor. They definitely need social services intervention.

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2023 15:25

Indecisivebynature · 21/02/2023 13:09

You should ask for her number and contact her.

Tell her you’re happy for him to stay with you temporarily.

Ask her for her side of the story so you can get an idea of what is going on.

Let school know he’s temporarily staying with you and the situation.

You should read the OP's posts?

LakieLady · 21/02/2023 15:26

So glad you were there for the lad, OP. I can't believe the way some parents behave.

Tara336 · 21/02/2023 15:53

I ahd similar with DDs friend at age 15 kicked out of his home by DM just as she had been at the same age and told to fend for herself do thouit was find to do to her DC. I got SS after finding out poor kid was sofa surfing. The DM just didn't give damm where their DC was or if they were safe. I let them stay with us for a bit while SS sorted something more permanent. They are now settled with a job and doing OK, all the DC wanted and needed was a family that cared and some guidance, I was happy to help where I could but the DC emotional issues because of their awful upbringing that I wasn't equipped to deal with and I was grateful to SS for taking over as I'm not sure I could have coped long term.

Tdcp · 21/02/2023 15:55

My mum and I had an awful relationship. I ended up at my friends house in tears one night because she had kicked me out because I went to the doctor who said I was depressed. I ended up living with my friend and her family for a while and I will always hold a special place in my heart for them all for that. Her mother was nothing but lovely to me and she helped me out of an abusive household.

I'm not saying he can't be lying of course but if he is telling the truth he'll always appreciate the steps you're taking right now.

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 15:59

MadamArcati99 · 21/02/2023 14:52

this is how the Op describes her own daughter as being suicidal smoking, drinking and having weed in the house and that she has often picked her up drunk or high!
Just the influence this boy needs !

@wilson and i dont know who you hang out with but certanly the parents of 15 year olds i know , know where their child is sleeping at night!

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Yes I was on the thread where the OP spoke about her daughters drinking and being out of control and suicide attempts.

I suspect there is more to this situation than we will know

whatsup00 · 21/02/2023 16:04

Jenasaurus · 21/02/2023 11:23

Something similar happened to one of my DS friends, she was 16, her mum and step dad kicked her out on her 16th birthday, she stayed with us a few nights then went to something called The Foyer which is a type of hostel for young adults in this situation. It was heart-breaking at the time, her mum, said she had done her bit and had said as soon as her DD was 16 she was out! There are provisions for young people going through this, and my DS friend is now 30 and made her own way in life, although incredibly hard for a while for her.

It is so awful that there are people who think once someone has turned 16 that's it, they've done their bit. 16 is so young. It makes things so so difficult for them :(. It is just so sad. I am so glad you helped.

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 16:06

whatsup00 · 21/02/2023 16:04

It is so awful that there are people who think once someone has turned 16 that's it, they've done their bit. 16 is so young. It makes things so so difficult for them :(. It is just so sad. I am so glad you helped.

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Any parent that thinks when their child is 16 means their role is “done”

is not exactly going to have been a great parent the previous 16 years.

So in all likelihood … their entire childhood had been “sad”

CatMattress · 21/02/2023 16:10

Poor little lad. How's he doing?

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 21/02/2023 16:19

As a fellow SW (adults but we work with children's Services a lot too) what you did was exactly right OP, to let his mum know where he was , to feed him and give him somewhere to sleep . And then to contact pastoral care at school the next morning

School will contact children services safeguarding and will want to see texts his mother has been sending him/ they can arrange to see him at school.

They are able to arrange emergency foster placements if his mum has indeed "kicked him out" and he will go under an initial s47 safeguarding children enquiry regardless of whether he goes back home or elsewhere

It sounds like the situation at home has broken down and that the adult sister is joining in unhelpful behaviour too.

All of this and he has a GCSE mock today as well

He should get the support he needs.

Please Ignore your exH, it's not up to him who stays in your house if it's another child temporarily/ and a parent helping one of DCs friends who is in need for a night is evidence of good conscious parenting behaviour. If your exH makes a thing of it eg at court if you're under any kind of court situ, it's your XH who will look bad, once you explain as you did here. If you're not under court proceedings for child contact/ residency at the moment, then Meh it's all hot air.

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 21/02/2023 16:23

I have privately fostered teens of the same age in similar circumstances and then acted as a social service crash pad for another (teen) family member of the foster child.

Contact your local social services & inform them of the situation, and let their school know so they can give support via their safeguarding team.

My first teen was known to social services so there was a good flow of information, and we had full support from them (and the school). The teen had great support from their social workers (and their named worker was a regular visitor), and they stayed with us for 2 1/2 years (passed GCSEs, got into college too, and I’m still in touch with them, now a parent themselves many years later).

Make sure your own children consent to any arrangement going forward, and that they know they can discuss any concerns or worries their friend may talk to them about. Make sure the friend also knows that your home is a safe space & they can talk to you, without judgement.

Even if this is only for a few days, it may be enough to give the teen & their parent that breathing space they need to move forward with their relationship.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 21/02/2023 16:26

I'm just wondering if he's back with you tonight OP? After school? You don't have to say but it is a lovely thing you did.

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 16:28

@CentrifugalBumblePuppy

what is “private fostering”? I have never heard of that

Original poster

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 21/02/2023 16:29

We haven't heard from him since her left school-he was going home to speak to his Mum. Dd will message him in a bit to see how he is. I've told him he can come back if he needs to.

OP posts: