What is going on with MN?

[AdamRyan]

I used to find it a very refreshing and supportive place to discuss the absolute crap that women put up with in all areas of life. It helped me recognise and start questioning abusive behaviours by mu ex. I think its invaluable to women from that perspective.
Over the past few months though, it appears to have changed

• posts about men "needing" sex when their partner isn't up for it and saying women will only have themselves to blame if their partner has an affair because they aren't getting enough sex
• posts suggesting aggression is a reasonable response to not enough sex
• endless endless "women do it too"/"NAMALT"/"not my nigel" on any thread about male violence
• posters calling women stupid/illogical/rude for questioning the above
• and now loads of sponsored threads about sex toys/"reigniting intimacy" when you've just given birth.

I'm starting to feel the whole tone of the site is becoming very patriarchal, which I never felt before. And it's making me sad. I want a space where I don't have to put mens penis wants first. Aaaaargh.

Didn't that nurse who killed herself have a go on mumsnet right before and got royally told off on here about disclosing information about Kate Windsor's birth? (I heard this at the time, so had the impression this site was like this already)

Wow that's awful. I've never heard about that before!

I used to find mumsnet super great as a young mum… now my kids are older and the site has changed I don’t really use it as much

I avoid the feminist board even though I studied feminism and gender at university!

It seems populated by (small c) conservatives, suburban types, who didn’t seem to care about women in prisons until a few years ago. I had a relative in prison and what’s more shocking is what the male guards can get up too. The whole board can seem quite naive to me, about prisons etc.

When I first browsed the thread I thought GC meant ‘gender conforming’ 🫣

As someone who was r*ped when I was younger I feel the focus on penises as a source of rape and focus on trans issues as misdirection from structural misogyny.

There’s never any discussion on the issues of men in power on there anymore. People would rather slag off other women.

As someone who's personally experienced sexual assault I’m more worried about the lack of regulation on police recruitment!! The amount of issues relating to serious cases of sexual violence to misconduct, are never really discussed and increased focus on ‘men in changing rooms’ seems odd. I mean, what’s statistically coming out as the worse threat at this point.

And the recent murder of Brianna Ghey seems pertinent in discussing trans hate crime, which is not fully discussed. I’ve never seen that a GC was murdered for their beliefs?

And this general combative attitude to everything seems frustrating. I don’t think it’s trolling, I think this is just what mumsnetters believe these days

I saw on the mumsnet wiki page it was compared to 4Chan, makes me worry about the direction of this site! Makes me think my time on mumsnet is coming to an end… it’s a shame had some really good advice on mortgages and house moves over the years

I’ve come to the conclusion that, on some issues, mumsnet is really not on the pulse and a bit outdated now

I agree. I am GC to the hilt and have learned a huge amount from the feminist boards on here, but in the last year the gender topic in particular has become extremely cliquey, insular and - unfortunately - paranoid. I can understand why, because it gets trolled a lot, but it makes it difficult to join in discussion there. If anyone deviates from a particular line on certain aspects of the debate, a group of regular posters on those boards immediately start talking in a coded language and implying that you're a troll. It's all "we see you". Very off-putting, and I've largely stopped posting in there as a result, even though I fully support the fight.

@Ursuladevinia82 interesting. I haven't noticed that.

I'm nothing like you. At least you've acknowledged you're intentionally goady.

FWR is full of logical, factual discussion and the only people put off are those that don't want to face reality or prefer women to not speak of it. Also, the tone is more direct and blunt, although we have had to tread extraordinarily carefully, much more so than the rest of the boards.

The women who post there are also endlessly patient, providing fact after fact after fact over and over again for whoever needs it. Trolls are often seen off in unique style, the absolute opposite of antipathy. The humour and intelligence in the face of adversity are what makes it an oasis for women, especially over these last 5 years or so where gender ideology has gripped the nation.

Anyone who is intimidated should try to join in and maybe take a few knocks if you're being a prat at first. Opening your mind to an opposing view is good for you, even if you keep your original opinions, you might find a better way of expressing them.

Short memory!

@Ursuladevinia82 did you see the post that person was referring to? Where they said that we should just lower our expectations of men and let them treat us like shit?

I wasn't goady. I challenged a dickhead.

This is true.
Probably also why I'm a bit disillusioned, I joined MN ages ago to contribute to FWR but it's very difficult to post on there now sadly.

I did and you rather distort their comment on this thread! Hey Ho.

@Ursuladevinia82 if that's the kind of person you want to side with then you crack on

I’ll post the thread so others can read if so inclined

Hilariously also copying a "not my nigel" in the screen shot!
This exchange is now golden for demonstrating what I was talking about! Why are you sniping at each other rather than discussing!

I was on that thread and did not think you were goady

I don't agree that the Feminism board is intimidating. It is a place where tired, uninformed or goady posts are dissected. Perhaps the tolerance is at a low level, due to the amount of trolling and ingenuousness, poor menz, incessant NAMALT and WDIT.
I find it generally informative and well researched and I tend to scroll past the circular arguments and derailing attempts.

I do find that on MN as a whole, particularly AIBU, there is a massive amount of point scoring, which is tiresome.
And people's levels of comprehension are low and they go galloping off with the wrong end of the stick, for pages and pages.
I also wish some of them would RFT beforehand.
Lots of snippiness, when women are asking for advice or support. Why are you with him? Why did you have children with this man? Etc. It's always more complex than that and it really doesn't help in the current situation.
A whole load of virtue signalling and smugness, too, whenever anyone confesses to some transgression.

As for the recent site changes and nuances, I agree that it feels different lately.
I still get a lot out of it, though.

@AdamRyan i asked @Ursuladevinia82 why they're so goady as they attacked two separate posters on the thread - but you're right, the whole interaction proves your point perfectly.

I agree with this

Of course not everyone has to like it or anything else, but mn is created in a way that makes it personal to user

Just hide topics you don’t want to see.

I did not attack!

The poster said she didn’t like mumsnet because so many have said she was wrong and I think that is a rather odd reason to dislike something

I like the sex and gender topic and like I said, joined MN for FWR

But had a posting hiatus and name changed, when I posted again I was insulted and it was heavily implied I was a TRA troll

I was quite taken aback ad years ago I got a pasting on here for being a transphobe and my views haven't changed 😂

Anyway - I think if you don't have a recognisable name on there the regulars can be quite hostile which probably does put people off posting (but maybe not reading)

“Attack”

ok @GoodChat where have i “attacked” anyone on this thread!

I’ll bow out and head back to holidays and property! 😂

Exactly this. Maybe some of the regulars think we can't tell when they're using coded language, but we can, and it's tiresome. Might as well not bother joining in. I do read though, as there's lots of interesting discussion.

I think that generally these days many people seem to be unable to have a reasoned debate. They have their views and stick to them and are not prepared to listen to any other point of view

If someone disagrees with them they will resort to insults and name calling. I remember when I was at uni back in the 80s having friends from all sides of the political divide. These days that is seen by many as unacceptable and impossible to imagine.

While I think the internet has brought many benefits it has also made people more tribal and because they tend to live in their own echo chamber there is no place for questioning . This has lead to the current trend of trying to shut people down and stop them from expressing their views if they do not support yours.

As Mumsnet is a free site I think they rely heavily on advertising for their income. It really doesn't matter to them what the users think if there are always others who will replace them.

I have noticed that some very well informed and interesting posters have disappeared and find that many threads now resemble a playground argument rather than interesting and informative discussions.

Sadly I think this reflects society at large and I am just glad that I am not a young person growing up today.

Not my Nigel is my new favourite phrase

I’m probably guilty of some of the above but that’s the way forums are I’m afraid. If you are asking for advice you have to accept that you might not hear what you what to hear