MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

Salantanamana · 2023-02-14T23:46:13+00:00

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

CrackedLookingGlass · 14/02/2023 23:50

Fundamentally, it’s not your call, OP. He had a different relationship with her to yours. Let him deal in his own way.

MissAmbrosia · 14/02/2023 23:50

People cope very differently with these things. I'd give him a big hug and ask what he wants to do next.

Saz12 · 14/02/2023 23:50

Part of me thinks he’s allowed to grieve however he needs to.
Part of me thinks if I were at end of life I’d want to see my (adult) child once more.

Topseyt123 · 14/02/2023 23:51

It does seem odd although I can understand someone being afraid to witness the moment of death. I'd still be there with a parent if I possibly could though.

How was his relationship with her?

Ohalpro · 14/02/2023 23:52

I am so sorry for what you’re going through.

I know it is really hard for you as well but try to go easy on your husband. Right now you need to support each other as best you can. He may be finding it extremely difficult to face up to the reality of the situation. Perhaps you can help him come to terms with his grief, although you are also grieving yourself and it must be a very difficult and intense situation.

Zonder · 14/02/2023 23:52

Did he see her now? People do strange things at times like these.

bloodywhitecat · 14/02/2023 23:56

When I called round the family to say if they wanted to say goodbye to DH then they needed to come now everyone decided to wait until morning. They had all said their goodbyes and I know he was comfortable with that as I asked him if he wanted me to call his DD and he shook his head (I did anyway and she chose not to come).

Let him do it his way. I am so sorry you are going through this, it is hell on earth

Freddiefox · 14/02/2023 23:57

Depending on whether he had a good relationship or not, but I can understand him not being able to face up to it, almost trying to pretend it’s not happening or trying to find and collect that inner strength.

SpookyBlackCat · 14/02/2023 23:57

Perhaps it's asking you question how he would react if you were ill or dying. I had similar feelings about my Ex. It's not easy.

magicthree · 15/02/2023 00:02

I'm sorry to hear about your MIL, but I agree that it is up to your husband how he deals with this. Everyone has different feelings and ways of coping, and he needs your support.

CountryMusicHottie · 15/02/2023 00:02

It’s his choice. Why should he have to put on an act for others or put his feelings aside? I thinks it’s awful you think less of him for doing what he needs to do to get through it. Maybe if he knew you were judging him at this time, he’d think less of you too.

Leave him be.

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 15/02/2023 00:04

Controversial take….

I’ve been unlucky and seen a few people in my life have illnesses and ultimately pass away.

It is a total privilege to be there with them, to comfort them however you can. Luckily, I’m not a talking about providing total care for them (shoutout to lots of amazing nurses who’ve done that!!!).

Each time I have seen complete and utter let-downs. Eg in a family of ten, one will just opt out, ask for updates cheerily over text, do NOTHING to support the person passing. Importantly too - the sign of a complete dipshit is they also do NOTHING to help those who are supporting the person passing. Eg no emotional support, no help with practical stuff, no help with admin after the death.

I get that everyone deals differently with death. Guess what? I did NOT want to see everything I did, I did NOT want to hear everything I did. But I was there for my loved ones. At the time it can be hard, it can be comforting and healing… and now I am so overly grateful I was there.

The people who don’t help through those times, in ANY role, and say they just don’t like death… guess what? None of us do. Like all big life events, when you have kids or marriage problems, you don’t get training or have some special talent for dealing with it. And it’s not about us, it’s above supporting the one we love who could otherwise feel alone and unloved and uncertain in their final days. It’s selfish to the extreme to duck out in these hard times.

Huge red flag. Will he be there for you, if you need him as his mother did? Honestly I can’t give time to people like that, what does anything mean if they won’t be there in times of need.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2023 00:06

He's dealing with the impending death of his mother and you don't think it's the right way and are trying to work out if you should stay with him? I don't think he's the one I'd be unimpressed by.

Yes he should come for her sake and his sisters sake but perhaps he couldn't bear the thought of being there when she died. People deal with grief and pain separately.

You don't sound very concerned over how he's a rally coping, just how it's perceived by others

DirectionToPerfection · 15/02/2023 00:07

If his mother was a good one, and they have a good relationship, I think it's unfair to her. It's a horrible situation but he should be there for her if at all possible.

I understand why you feel the way you do OP.

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 15/02/2023 00:08

caveat - not everyone wants to see their loved one deteriorate and on their final day, especially if they had a perfect goodbye an earlier time.

I was being sensitive as you said “sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis” but not your DP. Wonder how your SIL feels, I bet exhausted. Hope she’s getting support and definitely write to her or tell her if she did a great job at caring for your MIL

DirectionToPerfection · 15/02/2023 00:08

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 15/02/2023 00:04

Controversial take….

I’ve been unlucky and seen a few people in my life have illnesses and ultimately pass away.

It is a total privilege to be there with them, to comfort them however you can. Luckily, I’m not a talking about providing total care for them (shoutout to lots of amazing nurses who’ve done that!!!).

Each time I have seen complete and utter let-downs. Eg in a family of ten, one will just opt out, ask for updates cheerily over text, do NOTHING to support the person passing. Importantly too - the sign of a complete dipshit is they also do NOTHING to help those who are supporting the person passing. Eg no emotional support, no help with practical stuff, no help with admin after the death.

I get that everyone deals differently with death. Guess what? I did NOT want to see everything I did, I did NOT want to hear everything I did. But I was there for my loved ones. At the time it can be hard, it can be comforting and healing… and now I am so overly grateful I was there.

The people who don’t help through those times, in ANY role, and say they just don’t like death… guess what? None of us do. Like all big life events, when you have kids or marriage problems, you don’t get training or have some special talent for dealing with it. And it’s not about us, it’s above supporting the one we love who could otherwise feel alone and unloved and uncertain in their final days. It’s selfish to the extreme to duck out in these hard times.

Huge red flag. Will he be there for you, if you need him as his mother did? Honestly I can’t give time to people like that, what does anything mean if they won’t be there in times of need.

Hear hear. You've expressed it far better than I could.

notangelinajolie · 15/02/2023 00:10

She is not your mum and this is not your call.
And red flags? Seriously, have a heart - this man's mum is about to die. It is no business of yours how he grieves, just be there for him.

WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody · 15/02/2023 00:10

He's entitled to handle how it he wants.

You're entitled to think less of him.& make decisions with that in mind.

people criticising you for that seem to be missing the point that we ALL do the same all day, every day. Peoples actions (or lack of) impact the relationships we have with them.

HeddaGarbled · 15/02/2023 00:10

I completely disagree. It seems to be the expected norm that the world and his wife gather round the bedside to watch their relatives die. Is it from films and TV?

One person at a time to hold their hand is enough, surely? Too many is insensitive.

Sounds like there were plenty of them to support each other, so that argument doesn’t hold water.

This is more about putting on the expected performance than the needs of either your MIL or your husband.

Back off. Let him do this his own way.

SomePosters · 15/02/2023 00:11

Are you seriously judging him for how he is dealing with his mothers death?

The red flags are on you here as far as I’m concerned… you can’t be understanding and supportive of him while he’s about to lose his mum?

From what you’ve said she wouldn’t know he was there anyway and if he doesn’t want to see her like that at the very end then that’s his grieving and I can’t believe someone who claims to love him (I assume that’s why you married him?) would be so harsh on him at this point.

He should have gone to support others should he?

Where is his support? Certainly not at home!

TheShellBeach · 15/02/2023 00:12

I'm so sorry, OP. Your MIL obviously meant a lot to you. You have my sympathy.

I nursed dying people for many years. The way relatives deal with death is always very individual. Many people are afraid of it. I recall one woman who insisted that her mother be transferred to hospital to die - she could not cope at all with the idea of her mother dying in her own home. It was quite an upheaval - her mother was only in the hospital for two hours, then she died.

Anyway - maybe you have other reasons for the red flags? Is it just your husband's response to his mother's death, or are other things going on which give you pause? If it's just the death, I would cut him some slack. He may have found it easier, being at work, concentrating on other things. Or maybe it was, as you believe, selfish? Only you know really because only you know what makes your husband tick.

Sakura7 · 15/02/2023 00:14

HeddaGarbled · 15/02/2023 00:10

I completely disagree. It seems to be the expected norm that the world and his wife gather round the bedside to watch their relatives die. Is it from films and TV?

One person at a time to hold their hand is enough, surely? Too many is insensitive.

Sounds like there were plenty of them to support each other, so that argument doesn’t hold water.

This is more about putting on the expected performance than the needs of either your MIL or your husband.

Back off. Let him do this his own way.

Surely it's about a woman seeing her son for the last time?

Being with your parent to comfort them in their final hours is hardly performative, it's basic decency.

Xol · 15/02/2023 00:16

I find it odd that he says he's uncomfortable with death as if that's unusual. Surely virtually everyone is uncomfortable with death? The point is that it is something we overcome to give support and comfort to people we love.

Original poster

Salantanamana · 15/02/2023 00:16

SomePosters · 15/02/2023 00:11

Are you seriously judging him for how he is dealing with his mothers death?

The red flags are on you here as far as I’m concerned… you can’t be understanding and supportive of him while he’s about to lose his mum?

From what you’ve said she wouldn’t know he was there anyway and if he doesn’t want to see her like that at the very end then that’s his grieving and I can’t believe someone who claims to love him (I assume that’s why you married him?) would be so harsh on him at this point.

He should have gone to support others should he?

Where is his support? Certainly not at home!

No his support was not at home. I was in his mother's bedroom holding her hand.

OP posts:

Itisbetter · 15/02/2023 00:18

Perhaps he knows best not you OP? It’s not your mum and not your call. Be his friend, and his partner, don’t judge him because you very obviously don’t understand. Your role is to support him not critique.