MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

[Salantanamana]

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

She was a good one, the best in fact

When my late husband told the Macmillan nurse that he wanted to die at home, my heart sank. I didn;t think I could do it. And I didn't want my young adult daughters to have to go through it (they still lived at home).

NO-ONE wants to go through this stuff. I'm sure your DH's sister didn't either. But we do it. We do it for the person who needs us. And I have zero regrets. I'm so proud of what we did for him and that he got what he wanted.

I have an idea how your DH felt, but it's his mum that mattered. And he didnt step up.

I know I shouldn't feel that way, and I shouldn't judge, but I can't be doing with people who don't put their loved ones last hours first. Sitting on my husband's bed and holding his hand while he passed was, in the end, a privilege. He needed us and we were there. I hope that it's a comfort to his sister that she was there for her mum.

He should have gone to support others should he?

Yes. His sister was carrying the entire burden, 24/7. He should have stepped up for her.

In my DGM’s final hours, my Aunt & Uncle both absconded. I don’t understand why, cowardice perhaps? It’s definitely not an endearing character trait. As PPs have said, no one wants to deal with death, it’s something we do for our loved ones in their times of need.

I can understand this would leave you with very troubling feelings about your H.

Honestly I can’t give time to people like that, what does anything mean if they won’t be there in times of need

I do sort of agree with this, but again, we must remember that not everyone is as well-equipped emotionally to cope with death and dying as their neighbour.

It's partly, I think, to do with the fact that people tend to do their birthing and dying in hospitals nowadays and a lot of people have never had the experience of sitting with a dying relative.

Many, many years ago it was the norm for elderly people to die at home, surrounded by their loved ones. We seem to have lost that family experience now.

Truly, I believe it is comforting to be at a death-bed. I mean comforting for the dying person and comforting for the relatives who are there. A very old lady I know once told me that she found being at someone's side as they died was a great privilege. It's true - as long as you have the emotional capacity to deal with the experience.

I watched my dad die, my brilliant, incredible brothers couldn't. I called them when he had gone, and I've spoken about it with them. My dad adored them, as they did him, but they were too young to comprehend the horrendousness of the moment. For me, I couldn't have been anywhere else. I didn't understand their position, nor them mine, yet it is what they needed. Please, unless you have personally been there, do not try and second guess a child's reasoning. I'm glad, if my brothers had any kind of reprieve from my experience. I hope that gives some comfort.

And you’re clearly grieving. But you don’t get to dictate how or if your husband grieves.

OP, you are clearly grieving yourself at the moment. I am so sorry that you feel your husband did not support you, or his sister, while their mother was dying.

I can see the ops point. And I’d desperately want to ask my husband ‘if I am dying, will you come? Should I be hoping you will turn up to hold my hand?’ And being terribly afraid of the answer, that the truth is he wouldn’t come, he’d let me die without him there.

She could have chosen not to if she wanted. I hate all this ‘should have’ crap. People are free to make choices about this stuff. They made different choices. Deal with it.

I might be wrong, but I'm guessing you haven't lost a parent yet, OP. Everyone grieves differently and it's incredibly cruel to judge someone for how they process the death or impending death of a parent.

Asking him to put his feelings aside, or to support others isn't fair. His job right now is to deal with horrific grief and your job is to support him through that.

That's unfair. The OP's SIL stayed with her dying mother because she loved her.

That’s totally fine, as long as you’re not a “taker“, i.e. you don’t expect anyone to be there for you through illness and death. Death isn’t a moment, it’s a long drawn out thing! Make sure your loved ones know this, so they aren’t unduly put out. Genuinely I’d want to know who doesn’t want to get involved, so I know I don’t have to support them! Sounds mean, but it’s true. No one has an unending supply of
empathy and energy.

OP it sounds like you and your SIL are on the same page, I hope you take comfort in each others’ support in the coming weeks and months 💐

If your DP couldn’t be there to support your MIL, can he help with the will, probate, funeral arrangements etc? Your poor SIL can’t do everything :(

Everyone faces the death of their parents differently. It’s wrong to have expected your DH to deal with the death of his mother the same way you dealt with the death of a MIL. It’s two drastically different relationships. It feels completely different to watch your mother die vs a mother in law.

You say they were close, well perhaps it hurt too much for him to go and face it. This is perfectly valid.

I can’t believe you are seriously judging him and thinking it’s red flags because he was at work!

Personally, I don’t want to die with my children doing a death watch round my bed. Eagle eyes watching every exhale for another inhale. I wouldn’t want anyone holding my bloody hand either! I’d rather die like a cat, just wander off into the woods one day and not come back.

In your whole post you never mentioned once what your MIL requested as her death wishes. Did she even want him there? You seem to have made it about you calling him, you expecting him there, you, you, you.

And that’s was her choice, she could have chosen not to. OPs husband not being there doesn’t mean he didn’t love her. They both got to make the decision, they chose differently. It’s not a measure of love.

Absolutely shocking behavior on your husband's part. If your loved ones are not supposed to be there at the end to care for you, then who will? Death is part of life, we can't just opt out because it's ugly or sad. He will regret this decision for the rest of his life. I hope he doesn't expect you to be there holding his hand when he passes to the other side. How incredibly selfish of him, I expect this makes you see him in a completely different light.

I wouldn’t want any of my loved ones being there if they didn’t want to be. Especially my children. My loved ones and I have had a whole life together, I would never want them judged for how they deal with my death. I know they love me and I would want them to do whatever they needed to to get through, because I love them and they are the ones that have to be able to carry on after I’m gone.

Charming. So the poor woman should be left scared and alone in her final hours.

Hope you don't expect anyone around you when the time comes.

Yes she did ask for him in every minute that she was able to, probably 6 times today, she asked for him.

Already answered.

My DF made it clear he didn’t want a death bed scene. I saw him a couple of days before he died whilst he was still conscious and then said goodbye to him a couple of days later when he was unconscious and in his last few hours but he didn’t want people hanging round his bed when he died

That's tragic. I can see why you're so upset about this.

He knew she was surrounded by people who loved her, you're acting like he let his mother die alone. It's not a spectacle, it's the end of someone's life and everyone says goodbye in their own way at different times. I think to be cross at your own husband when his mother has just died is really wrong.

Then I can now see why you’re upset. Grief does funny things to people though. Hopefully when he is ready he can talk about why he couldn’t bring himself to come.