Page 6 | MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

Salantanamana · 2023-02-14T23:46:13+00:00

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

cosmiccosmos · 15/02/2023 06:47

Also agree with what @tara66 said. He clearly isn't bothered who is there for him in his time if need is he? Or is he?

Does he expect you to go OP? What would his reaction be if you didn't go?

follyfoot37 · 15/02/2023 06:48

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 15/02/2023 00:04

Controversial take….

I’ve been unlucky and seen a few people in my life have illnesses and ultimately pass away.

It is a total privilege to be there with them, to comfort them however you can. Luckily, I’m not a talking about providing total care for them (shoutout to lots of amazing nurses who’ve done that!!!).

Each time I have seen complete and utter let-downs. Eg in a family of ten, one will just opt out, ask for updates cheerily over text, do NOTHING to support the person passing. Importantly too - the sign of a complete dipshit is they also do NOTHING to help those who are supporting the person passing. Eg no emotional support, no help with practical stuff, no help with admin after the death.

I get that everyone deals differently with death. Guess what? I did NOT want to see everything I did, I did NOT want to hear everything I did. But I was there for my loved ones. At the time it can be hard, it can be comforting and healing… and now I am so overly grateful I was there.

The people who don’t help through those times, in ANY role, and say they just don’t like death… guess what? None of us do. Like all big life events, when you have kids or marriage problems, you don’t get training or have some special talent for dealing with it. And it’s not about us, it’s above supporting the one we love who could otherwise feel alone and unloved and uncertain in their final days. It’s selfish to the extreme to duck out in these hard times.

Huge red flag. Will he be there for you, if you need him as his mother did? Honestly I can’t give time to people like that, what does anything mean if they won’t be there in times of need.

You describe the role of a death doula here, but maybe you are around dying people by accident
However, you have no right to be so judgemental about the families you deal with. Just because someone is not prostrating themselves on the body of their dying relative or running around making pots of tea for those sitting vigil around they dying person does not mean that they don't care. Everyone deals with death and dying differently, so you have no right to say what behavious are acceptable. You are noth the Mourning Police. And your sarcastic tone...'well guess what,...' that isn't a profound insight, it's just childish
@Salantanamana you need to give your DH a break and support him however he chooses to deal with this

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 15/02/2023 06:49

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 15/02/2023 00:04

Controversial take….

I’ve been unlucky and seen a few people in my life have illnesses and ultimately pass away.

It is a total privilege to be there with them, to comfort them however you can. Luckily, I’m not a talking about providing total care for them (shoutout to lots of amazing nurses who’ve done that!!!).

Each time I have seen complete and utter let-downs. Eg in a family of ten, one will just opt out, ask for updates cheerily over text, do NOTHING to support the person passing. Importantly too - the sign of a complete dipshit is they also do NOTHING to help those who are supporting the person passing. Eg no emotional support, no help with practical stuff, no help with admin after the death.

I get that everyone deals differently with death. Guess what? I did NOT want to see everything I did, I did NOT want to hear everything I did. But I was there for my loved ones. At the time it can be hard, it can be comforting and healing… and now I am so overly grateful I was there.

The people who don’t help through those times, in ANY role, and say they just don’t like death… guess what? None of us do. Like all big life events, when you have kids or marriage problems, you don’t get training or have some special talent for dealing with it. And it’s not about us, it’s above supporting the one we love who could otherwise feel alone and unloved and uncertain in their final days. It’s selfish to the extreme to duck out in these hard times.

Huge red flag. Will he be there for you, if you need him as his mother did? Honestly I can’t give time to people like that, what does anything mean if they won’t be there in times of need.

I agree with all of this.

Being generous, I would say the avoidant ones are scared and handling their fear selfishly as a result, perhaps without realising. Sucks for the ones around them who feel forced to pick up the load though.

OCDmama · 15/02/2023 06:58

Heartbreaking.

He should have been there, if she asked.

Her feelings were more important than his.

I'd worry he wouldn't be there for me at the end.

Untitledsquatboulder · 15/02/2023 07:02

LazyDaisy89 · 15/02/2023 04:43

He needs your compassion and not your judgement. There is no one right way to deal with death.

But there are wrong ones. Refusing to go see your dying mother who is asking for you is one of them.

I don't see that he needs his wife's compassion, he seems to have plenty for himself. Now his wife has seen another side of him, not sure why others are gsslighting her about what she's seen.

Hongkongsuey · 15/02/2023 07:03

Of course it involves her and share has a right to be concerned. No one likes death but if no one stepped up because ‘can’t cope’ or ‘struggling with it’ where would we be? I’d be upset if my husband ducked out of supporting his family and dying mother because he thought it was too difficult.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 15/02/2023 07:10

I actually think if people can’t handle it, and are likely to make it worse for everyone else then it takes guts to say “I’m not coming”.

My aunt cannot handle death. She just can’t. She goes to bits and gets nippy. My memories of both my grandparents and my mother dying includes seeing her fall apart too.

Not being able to cope with it, or not feeling like they can cope with it so avoid it doesn’t make someone a bad person.

Zanatdy · 15/02/2023 07:10

He could have gone over, even if he stayed out of the room. I guess everyone deals with this differently.

Nowdontmakeamess · 15/02/2023 07:12

@follyfoot37 you need to give your DH a break and support him however he chooses to deal with this

You have no ‘right’ to dictate how OP should respond in this situation. It’s very hypocritical to make an excuse for the DH by saying that everyone responds to grief differently but that the OP has to be completely supportive. She will be grieving too, where’s her support?

Zanatdy · 15/02/2023 07:13

The fact that she asked for him constantly and I assume he knew that but didn’t come, yes I’d struggle with that. I guess he will too.

saraclara · 15/02/2023 07:14

That's precious little compassion here for OP, who clearly loved her MIL, who sat with her as she was dying, and heard her ask repeatedly for her son, who didn't come.
She's grieving too.

I adored my late MIL, and miss her so much. My DH pre-deceased her, so we were so important to each other.

ThreeLocusts · 15/02/2023 07:15

OP sorry you're getting so much judgment, and about the loss of your MIL. My gut reaction is just like yours, it's weird and disappointing what your DH did.

'It's his mum not yours' is not much of an argument. You're not taking over his mum, just having a reaction to how he dealt with the situation.

That said, the diverse reactions here show, I guess, that ppl just deal with death very differently. Try to be there for DH and to find out his reasons over time. And if you think his reasons were bad, you can tell him. Later.

And hold on to the fact that your MIL had a good death anyway, by sound of it.

LlynTegid · 15/02/2023 07:21

I have no wish to be present when my mum or indeed any other family member dies. My mum knows of this wish and understands why and my reasons.

This does not mean I will not try to provide emotional and practical support in other ways.

The DH not being there I can understand but his mum should have known his wishes.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 15/02/2023 07:24

@ParamedicOnStrike, I was the same with my Mum. She was in hospital for 5 days and I went at least once a day each day but I only stayed about half an hour each time. She was conscious when she was first admitted but talking exhausted her so I left to let her sleep. She then became unconscious so I made sure she was comfortable and spoke to the nurses and left.

I saw her the night before I died and I didn't kiss her goodbye, I was in too much of a state. Do I regret that? Yes. Do I regret not staying and being there when she died? No.

Everyone copes differently and I think some of the posters on here having a go at the OP's husband would do well to remember that. Red flags because he's grieving differently to how the OP and posters on MN think he should? Thankfully my DH supported me in coping how I thought best at the time rather than judging me.

Kate0902900908 · 15/02/2023 07:25

When we got the call to say my brother in law H brother was about to die - cancer expected but young. H just let me go and went back to sleep. It really through me off but a year on it was his way of coping he has since started grieving and it’s been so hard for him. It’s a disassociation type of grieving if I don’t see it/be around it it’s not happening. I looked into it and sometimes something small will bring it all on, for us it wasn’t small we lost a pet tragically and he grieved his brother for weeks crying for days and days (blamed pet bless him) but it was brother X

silverclock222 · 15/02/2023 07:27

Red flags are on you OP .

lovedive · 15/02/2023 07:29

I've watched both my parents die. Both times it wasn't an easy death and I've had to have therapy to help with the flash backs from my mothers death. It was the most traumatic thing to see.

When my grandfather was near to passing, all the family gathered to be with him. I couldn't do it. I stayed busy to keep my mind from going to a very dark place.

I was called cold and that I didn't care about my grandfather.

He may very well have his reasons

Middletoleft · 15/02/2023 07:30

I was too late and missed seeing my DF before he died. I regret that with all of my heart. The only thing that makes it bearable is knowing that everyone (his nurses etc) didn't expect him to die when he did.

I think you need to step back now and be there for your DH afterwards.

Mellymoon · 15/02/2023 07:32

Aww your poor DH :-( he just doesn’t really know what to do and is all over the place. Try to be understanding and realise that people manage hard situations really differently and cut him some slack. Sorry for you both xx

Sceptre86 · 15/02/2023 07:33

I'd be like you and disappointed. She hasnt passed yet just near the end. It is selfish that he can't put his own pain or worries aside when she is at the end and wants to see her son. She us the priority here, not him.

How he grieves when she passes is up to him and some do find comfort in going back to work after a day or two.

Novatherova · 15/02/2023 07:33

My own Mum is dying. I don't know how I will react. But right now I don't think I would like to be there. I can't say goodbye.

Maybe that's what he was doing?

At the moment I choose to ignore her condition and pretend it's not happening, I can't deal with it. My family understands. You should too.

Also sorry for your loss.

Showersugar · 15/02/2023 07:36

Salantanamana · 15/02/2023 00:43

Yes she did ask for him in every minute that she was able to, probably 6 times today, she asked for him.

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I'm totally with you OP.

This isn't about respecting your DH's approach to grieving as she hadn't died yet - it's about how your DH treated his supposedly beloved mother in her final moments (and it would sow seeds of doubt in my mind about whether he would leave me or our children in our dying moments).

Yes seeing someone you love die is incredibly, incredibly tough, but so what. Life is hard, get the fuck on with it.

One of my uncles struggled to be there for my Grandma (it's always the poor men isn't it) was dying, but he still showed his face and whilst he couldn't bring himself to be in the room for her actual death he was still 'around', making tea, liaising with the carers etc.

CheekyHobson · 15/02/2023 07:37

OP, I'm so sorry about the loss of someone who is clearly dear to you and commend you for being there for her when she needs you.

To me, love is actions, not feelings. (Obviously love is feelings too, but the important and valuable part is actions.)

There are a few very critical points in our lives and our relationships with those we love where actions count for everything. Your husband may be having many difficult feelings right now but when his mother is asking for him as she lies dying, I strongly believe he should set aside whatever feelings he is having and act in her interests. Love, at its core, is the willingness to sacrifice of oneself for another.

I understand completely why you are upset and disappointed. I don't think I could look quite the same way at someone who prioritised their feelings over the feelings of a dying person they love. It would make me question the depth of their love if they were not prepared to put that person first at one of the most sacred moments of life.

Parisj · 15/02/2023 07:39

I guess he's saying he's afraid, and his automatic reaction is avoidance. Maybe he has complicated feelings about losing her. Maybe he is afraid of showing his emotions which can be unaccustomed for men in our society. Of course he should be encouraged to face it, to be there for her and other people, so he is not ashamed of himself later.

Coxspurplepippin · 15/02/2023 07:39

It's a difficult call. People deal with grief differently but also some people selfishly put their own feelings first no matter what's at stake. I've found over the years that men often (not always) don't make the effort in such situations, whether it's because they feel it's 'women's work' or because they can't deal with it emotionally or, as a 'D' bil said to me, 'I'm not sitting around someone's bed for hours watching them die - what a waste of time.....'

Ultimately I believe it's up to the person dying. Some people want their loved ones with them, others don't, but it should be their choice if they're able to make it. Another reason why it's important to have these conversations ahead of time.