MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

[Salantanamana]

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

In fact in this case, the OP says that he did come after 6 hours. But she doesn't say if MIL was alive or not by then.

There's a lot of posters here very sure they would let their children get on with their lives though, and I don't believe (most) will feel the same way at the end of life.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar in the OP’s second sentence she says the MIL is still out, so assume that means MIL was still alive at the time she wrote that.

This. I'm so glad DH didn't judge me for not staying with my DM, he just supported me in whatever I wanted to do

Okay. Hopefully - at least then she'll have seen her son before she dies.

I feel so sorry for a loving parent who desperately wants to see their beloved child, who simply can't face the uncomfortableness. No guts at all. This is a practical moment in time when you need to step up, hard as it can be.

Agree @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar I can understand maybe not being there at the last moment (to see the physical parts of death) and stepping out but you should at least say goodbye just before.

People saying they'd be fine with their children (or anyone/everyone) avoiding them - well, there's no way you can possibly know you d be fine with that. It's easy to say when you're 40 or even 60, in good health and nowhere close to death

That last sentence brought a lump to my throat. That thought is heartbreaking.

There's a lot of posters here very sure they would let their children get on with their lives though, and I don't believe (most) will feel the same way at the end of life.

Exactly. When I die, I want my DS to get on with his life and have many, many more years of happiness; but if circumstances allow, I would still like him to take a day or so out of that time for us both to say our Goodbyes before I bow out and then the next decades will be his time.

Whilst plenty of dying people are sadly delusional, it's by no means a given. Many, many people's minds are still sharp until the second when their bodies give out and can no longer host them.

In the flood of emotion that I'm guessing probably comes when you know that you're dying, I'm not convinced that dying people asking for long-dead relatives is necessarily a definite sign of delusion. Maybe a dying 95yo asking for their DM is a wish: that they would like to see her, even though she has already passed on and obviously can't come to the bedside.

At any rate, how do we know that they are definitely asking for their long-deceased loved ones to come to their bedside whilst they are in their final hours on Earth? If they believe in an afterlife, and that they will soon meet them again, maybe it does make logical sense framed in that context.

Not to be flippant, but how do we know that we aren't writing them off as delusional by asking us to fetch their long-gone loved one to them now, when they may in fact be putting in their request to God (or just expressing their hope) for the near future?!

A number of people who work in hospices etc note that sometimes the person who is dying will seem to wait until they are alone before they actually die. So a relative can have been there pretty much 24/7 and then nips out to go to the loo and their loved one passes away.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll the OP's DH may have spent sometime with his mum, whilst she was more lucid. And it does appear he did go and see her when they got the dreaded call, but not as quickly as the OP thought he should.

Just like people can say now they don't want a death bed scene, but not actually know how they will feel when the time comes, so we can all say how we will react when it is our parent's time to go, but again if we haven't yet had to go through it, we don't actually know how we will react. Denial is part of the grief process, it could be that the OP's DH was in denial, and thought if he didn't go it wouldn't be true.

I remember a friend talking to me about my DF's cancer diagnosis and that I didn't 'go on' about it like another friend who talked a lot about a potential diagnosis in respect of their DM (turned out to be fine, so that was good). The reason I didn't 'go on' about it was because in my head if I didn't talk about it, it wasn't true and my DF wasn't going to die from cancer.

The posters on here aren't dying so how the hell would you know what you want to happen when you are? It is very easy to make sweeping statements about not wanting folks to be around you when you are dying. You have no idea whatsoever. My DH when he was first diagnosed with cancer didn't want to see any one at all apart from me. However when he was told he might die when in hospital with a secondary infection as the treatment wasn't working he reached out to many friends and family He was also terrified and was clear that I was to be there and hold him. Having death staring you in the face sharpens your mind. This is a man that used to make sweeping statements like folks on here and state he wasn't bothered about dying and didn't want folks near him. My DH is living with a terminal illness and is terrified so please stop with your sweeping statements. as none of you have any idea.

This OP DH mum asked for her son and he went to work....you don't have any control when you are dying but you can control who you want around you-

A number of people who work in hospices etc note that sometimes the person who is dying will seem to wait until they are alone before they actually die. So a relative can have been there pretty much 24/7 and then nips out to go to the loo and their loved one passes away.

Ok, but this discussion isn't about being there 24/7. It's about turning up at all.

Just because someone wants to pass alone doesn't mean they don't want to say goodbye their loved ones. This woman expressed a wish to see her son. I'm sure even five minutes with him would have comforted her.

The choice isn't to ignore your dying parent completely or be by their side every second, there are all sorts of options in-between.

For the last time:

OP'S DH DID GO TO SEE HIS DYING MOTHER. HE JUST TOOK HIS TIME. BUT HE DID GO!

Ah, that feels better. But it won't make a bloody bit of difference, will it?

No, because the conversation has moved on. Sometimes people don't visit at all so that's being discussed as another topic

The last few posts haven't even mentioned op at all so not a case of people not reading the thread

BUT HE TOOK SO LONG TO GO THAT SHE COULD HAVE DIED IN THE MEANTIME. HE DIDN'T KNOW HE WOULD GET THERE IN TIME. WE DON'T KNOW IF HE DID GET THERE IN TIME FOR HER TO STILL BE CONSCIOUS!

Seeing as we're shouting....

That's what people are annoyed about! Dying can't be scheduled ffs, he seemed to think he could fit his dying mum in after clearing his in-tray!

It would be completely different scenario if, perhaps, the family couldn't get hold of the DH because he was in a meeting. Or the moment he was told she was dying and wanted to see him he left work but due to where she lived/an accident/bad traffic took 6 hours to get there, or he needed to sort childcare or whatever. Or he was told she was dying but it definitely wouldn't be for at least 24hrs so as long as he got there at some point it would be fine (although this is very unlikely because, as above, once it gets to that stage it is usually impossible to give exact timelines). In those scenarios, as a pp pointed out, there shouldn't be a medal for getting there first, just gratitude that everyone made the effort to come as quickly as they could, in line with the wishes of the dying person, to prioritise supporting them and their other family members.

But instead he was told she could die at any point but made the choice to hang around and wait...for what? Great if he finally after 6 hours plus felt bad about this and changed his mind, and hopefully his mother was aware of it, we don't know because OP hasn't come back. But if she had died at some point in the meantime knowing she had repeatedly asked for her DS and the only answer the other family members could give was he's "taking his time...." well that is a bit shit.

I never said anyone got a medal, you're still struggling with the comprehension aren't you.

Well I'm 70, have been admitted to hospital in a crisis and I can tell you I won't want my kids sitting round the bed when I'm dying.

The OP says the MIL has been terminal for a while, the OPs husband has probably said his goodbyes multiple times.

Yes because unconscious people often ask questions repeatedly.

Yes because unconscious people often ask questions repeatedly.

OP said that she was 'out', which can mean 100% unconscious, but not necessarily so.

A person with low consciousness can still murmur the name of a loved one when they can get the strength to do so - and that obviously means that they want to see them.

Ultimately it’s the person that didn’t see their dying relative that has to live with it. In the OPs scenario there was plenty of time to visit but for people that have done all they can to get to a loved one but arrive too late due to circumstances outside their control reading your last sentence would be like kicking someone when they’re down.

I've never seen anyone unconscious talking, I have heard people who are weak or in lots of pain murmuring names, my mother was murmuring my father's name, he'd been dead for 20 years, also her mother who had been dead for 40 years. I don't think she was planning on them visiting.

It wasn't a case of someone trying desperately to get home and not making it - I was in that situation with my bio. mother by the way. She died before I could get to her.

It's the person who is dying who takes first place in this situation. This is a choice that this particular son made. Luckily for her, his mother survived. But to choose to stay at work when you could have tried to get to her for six hours is pathetic. Not a man with either compassion or guts.

My sentence there was heavy on the sentiment and emotion. But it was also 100% true.

We don’t know why, other than he didn’t want to deal with it, as the reason. There’s no background. We don’t know what experience of death he’s already had in his life, what his relationship with his mother was like. It’s really not as black and white as him being spineless or a coward. Maybe the OP is more angry with herself as she chose to stay for 6 hours. I couldn’t have done it, I would have had to leave her with her children that were present. In my mind it’s between the OPs husband and his sibling(s)/mother’s family not the OP.

I was made, aged 14, to sit at my dying granny's bedside, because it was the done thing. It was awful, traumatic and has left me with a lifelong fear of death. That gurgling sound and the final sigh. I hate being in the same room as a sleeping elderly person as I am afraid each breath is going to be their last. It has pretty much affected my whole life and I am now nearly 70. Even when my husband is asleep and perhaps has a delayed breath, I panic and sometimes have to nudge him to make sure he isn't dead.

It also left a lasting impression on my mum who said she never wanted her loved ones to watch her die and I feel the same. Mum did die on her own, from a stroke, when no-one else was home. I did go, reluntantly (again, because I was told it was what I should do) and see her after she died and this is still, 20 years later, my lasting memory of her, lying dead in her coffin. Every time I think of her, which is often, this is what I see.

I would never, ever, criticise someone who felt unable to deal with watching a loved one die. Nor, would I criticise someone who wants to be there. It is for the individual to decide. and not be coerced by what others think they should do.

But it does leave the dying person unable to see the person they loved.