MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

[Salantanamana]

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

My late MIL died 12 years ago (Saturday just gone) and to this day I'm still a little shocked (and a bit sad) at how little time my ex husband spent with her when we knew she was terminal. He's an only child, and they had a good relationship, he wasn't in denial about her cancer being terminal (unlike his father)....she lived for 18 months after she was told there was no way she'd recover.

My ex didn't spend any extra time with her in that 18 month period. We lived (still live) in a city about an hour away from their town. My ex was the most senior in his job at the time, he could have easily taken time off to visit - his then employer was very good when it came to compassionate leave. I didn't push it with him after a couple of attempts, and as far as I'm aware his mother didn't say anything, either. He was there when she died, however.

I can have my opinion, but it was his mother, his decision.

The only red flags are yours for being controlling about how others grieve

The OP is not being controlling at all. I think the word is very over-used.

OP just wanted her husband to be there for his mother and sister.

I agree with you OP. Nobody finds death to be a lovely picnic in the park. But you go through it for your loved ones.

You really need to wind your neck in OP. Your DH is just about to lose his mum. Everyone deals with this in different ways. If they were close she would understand and want him to keep away. It's not a red flag it's grief and you'd be amazed at how it hits you. However much you love your ILs this is not your business. Your DH is under no obligation to be there for other people. Give your head a wobble.

I was about to say the same thing: your husband will realise how he let his mother down at the last sometime in the next few weeks and he is going to be distraught.

I think you need to see not as a red flag but that he was simply in denial about what the situation really was. None of us are as good as we'd like to be, I guess.

I’d be very disappointed too, OP

But what about what her husband wants?

Some find it easier to accept and live with the fact they weren't there when someone passed away, than to have their memories forever tainted by watching their passing. Whilst most deaths are peaceful, some aren't. Even peaceful deaths can be very traumatising to some.

I'm wearing my AMA name change for this.

I'm a paramedic. I work with death and the dying as a matter of course. I have seen many dead bodies and I have been present at many deaths. I actually intend to specialise in end of life care.

And yet, I could not bring myself to be any own father's death bed. I love him all the world, but I just couldn't do it. For lots of reasons- some of which I only acknowledged years later.

When he was in hospital before his death I was there in the building all day every day, buy only managed about 1/2 an hour at a time at his bedside. I deliberately left when it became apparent he was going and took over my baby niece from BIL so he could go and be with my sister. He wasn't alone, my sister, my mum (his ex wife, an experienced senior A&E nurse) and his mum were there. I felt guilty but I knew my nan and my sister were well supported by mum and my amazing BIL. Mum obviously had her own feelings as dad was her ExH, but she had snapped into "work mode" so I knew she was ok. I was at my mum's alone with the baby and it was what I needed to do.

My family, luckily, understood. They came back, my mum cooked and we sank a load of wine.

I know for a fact I was judged by the ITU nurses, but they don't matter.

There were no family issues, that had nothing to do with it. My sister, BIL, mum and I are still very close. I had my reasons for doing what I did.

And I don't regret it. I don't regret protecting myself from watching someone I love die. And I Will never judge someone else for making that choice.

If I ever need a care assistant. I hope they are like you. Your non-judgemental heart is a good one for difficult times.

Yes, I would also be rocked by this and completely gutted.
Stayed at work while his lovely Mum called for him!?
I'd certainly be questioning my view of him.

She was asking for him and he still didn't come. That's absolutely awful and I don't blame you one bit for how you feel OP.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Thank you, that is really kind! I am not perfect, but my job puts me in the middle of vulnerable people, their families and heaps of mixed feelings and differing circumstances. I may not always morally align with things I witness, but my life isn't theirs. Working in care means accepting others aren't like myself.

I remember the day that I fully realised this, it invovled a dying resident. Their adult child was called, I had never met them. They declined to come and asked only to be contacted when she passed because they needed to sign some documents. I remember thinking it sounded cold and awful, until I learned the dying person was and extremely abusive and nasty parent, despite being a lovely resident to care for.

After that I accepted we all have reasons, and sometimes that has to be respected.

I’m afraid I disagree with this. When my parent was dying and I got ‘the call’ I was the same. I stuck my head in the sand and wanted it all to go away. I got there for the last few hours but the initial shock of that phone call (even one you’ve been expecting) is massive. I went shopping for my parent - bought their favourite squash/biscuits (insane - they were barely awake!) It’s like waiting for a car crash that’s going to really hurt and you can do nothing to avoid. Grieving and reactions to death vary wildly. Also to add I loved my parent fiercely and had an excellent relationship with them.

I would be disappointed in him too. Yes everyone grieves differently, but somethings you ought to do, even if they make you feel uncomfortable at the time. I hope he will at least do the heavy lifting of organising the funeral, sorting out the will etc, as your SIL needs a rest.

Your MIL was lucky to have you with her. She must have been a lovely woman to have had such a good relationship with a daughter in law, condolences on her loss.

My bloody sister whinged and whinged when our mum was on her deathbed and she and her H were sitting with her in the night as the rest of us had children. She kept saying she didn't want to be there and people mostly died at night

This is the problem encapsulated. Your sister was doing a really hard thing and expressed how hard she was finding it out loud.

You have interpreted her pain and distress in a negative way and come to a nasty judgemental verdict.

As has the OP.

It's his mother and his call.

No matter what she said/their relationship it is not your business.

My DH chose not to visit his mother at the end. His sister (and her friends and MIL's friends) were holding a 24hr vigil with prayers and hymns. DH didn't want to grieve in front of others and he knew if he asked them to leave, his sister would kick off.

Some people want to grieve privately and that's their choice.

This is not something I think has anything to do with you, it is up to him personally and her

Crikey OP. The judgement is dripping off you. Throughout life people will, at times, deal with things badly. Some of these things may include dying and death. I don't know if the judgement is because you are unkind or if because you are upset and lashing out at your husband. If it is the latter, that is still unacceptable - he's very likely in immense pain. If it's because you think he won't show up and say goodbye to you then discuss it but at another time. For heaven's sake, go support your husband instead of being mean and judgemental on a forum. You'll regret it if you don't. Genuinely, the only red flags that are coming across are in your attitude to your loved one struggling emotionally.
Condolences on your loss.

I'm quite surprised by the responses you've received so far OP.

I remember a woman posting before saying that she didn't want to be at her dying mums bedside and the replies were very different.

I would feel the same as you OP. It's not something any of us want to do, but his mum asked for him - her feelings should've come first and it's alarming he couldn't put his fear, or whatever it was, aside for the sake of his mum. I'd go easy on him though, probably wouldn't mention it at all tbh, but I'd definitely think less of him, rightly or wrongly.

Honestly, I’d call him out on it. Why should you be doing the hard yards while he gets to hide away at work? I’d be calling him a coward and telling him that I don’t respect his choices. I would also be furious that he seems to think that this is a job for the “women” to take on.

Oh yes. That's a fabulous thing to do to someone who is about to lose their mother. Someone who has already said aloud that they are struggling. Have a go at him. That'll really help.

A lot of us come off badly if judged at our very worst moments. And I think this is such a moment for your husband. He is much more than this one decision made at an incredibly distressing time.

I find the circles of support model helpful. Your circle is further out than his, so it's your job at the moment to prop him up, not to re-evaluate your relationship and expect more from him. Maybe he just doesn't have more to give, maybe there is a horrible story from the past that you are not aware of. Give him grace, whether you judge him deserving of it or not.

Also, this is borrowed from a different sphere but you are approaching this as a choice he has made.

To him, it may not feel like a choice. He may well feel that he can't. It's easy to sit in judgement on someone and say "Emma did it so Gus can too" or "I did it so you can too", but sometimes it doesn't feel like that to the person, it may just feel utterly beyond them.

This is a good time to treat your husband with compassion.

You're a lovely person