MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

[Salantanamana]

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

Personally, I don’t want to die with my children doing a death watch round my bed

Everyone's different, though, @Onnabugeisha Personally I hope my children are there when I die. You really can't berate the OP for wishing her husband had supported his sister, wife and dying mother.

Red flags 🙄 offs

You sound like a bully.. It’s his mum not yours. Let him deal with his grief his way. You think there are red flags because he isn’t dealing with his parents death the way you want/think?

i hope he sees the red flags and leaves

I deal with death everyday at work. Everyone reacts and deals differently. There is no right way

I totally get what you are saying OP and I am surprised most previous posters missed the part about your SIL being there 24/7. What if she decided she ‘couldn’t cope’ and went to work? Her mother would die alone. And instead of trying to ease her burden just a little, to say goodbye to his mother one last time, your DH opted out.

NOBODY enjoys watching someone they love die. You don’t do it for yourself, you do it for them. So they won’t be alone in their last moments. I know we have turned into a self centred society, but I wonder how those who have criticised you in this thread would feel if none of their loved ones chose to be by their bedside when they were dying, and just stayed at work instead. Or if they were supporting a dying loved one and not a single family member came to offer support. Your DH can behave like this because his sister is there doing the hard emotional labour alone.

My brother is exactly like this. It is not because he can’t, it’s because he doesn’t want to and he knows I will do the hard things for Mum’s benefit, so he feels he has a choice. And I am the one that is faced with the question ’when is X coming’. People have no idea what it is like to be elderly, sick, frightened and just want to see your children. And they don’t come.

You sound like a bully.. It’s his mum not yours. Let him deal with his grief his way. You think there are red flags because he isn’t dealing with his parents death the way you want/think?
I hope he sees the red flags and leaves.

You seriously hope that the OP's husband decides to leave her over this?
If you really deal with death every day at work you ought to have some compassion.

Did he manage to see her before she died? When did he last see her? Has he been any practical help?

Don’t think worse of him, it’s his parent. People react in so many different ways.

my DH couldn’t come to the hospital for the last 3 days of my late FIL’s life. I was there continuously but he just couldn’t watch his father dying.

He adored his Dad, but watching him fade away was just too much,

She wanted to see him. It is a measure of love.

What an appalling post.

OP is a caring person, while her husband's behaviour is very selfish.

Right now, it's not about him. It's about his mother, who wants to see her son before she dies.

I agree OP, it would make me think less of him.
My DP's mother was terminally ill. We'd ask him how she was regularly. He never knew as he rarely bothered to call. He did rush up to see her at the end though.
Now she's gone he talks about her like she was a saint and his favourite person in the world. It's hard not to see the hypocrisy in that. He left it all up to his sister really.

I base love on how people treat each other over the years. Each to their own.

I'm so sorry. I can totally understand how you're feeling after you witnessed that.

Posters saying that they don't want people around their deathbed, are missing the point. OP's MIL did want her son there.

Nobody is perfect when they're grieving

Perfectly said.

Will he be there for you, if you need him as his mother did?

Yep, that would be on my mind now.

I've just remembered that when my Dad was dying in hospital recently one of the staff told me that quite often people don't sit with drying relatives as they can't cope with it. People have to be able to make their own choices.

I agree its up to your DH how he deals with this. I dont think you should be judging him.

I think it’s a huge red flag that he’s seemingly left SIL to deal with this on her own rather than actually helping her with everything. Even if he didn’t want to see his mum deteriorate, there isn’t an excuse to leave his sister to deal with this mental load alone. I’m sure she’s physically and emotional exhausted. She will need support, too.

I think it's up to him personally.

I can't imagine being at my MIL's bedside and judging my DH for red flags.
This is about you OP not your DH. Maybe you didn't want to be there but felt it was your duty and you resent your DH for doing what felt right to him. Maybe you're worried he wouldn't be there for you. But this isn't the time to focus on your insecurities or feelings about flags ffs. This is a time when your DH needs your support.

But we don’t get to choose and demand who is there. And if people don’t want to be there for whatever reason, that is their choice to make.
My friend loved her mum so much but she didn’t want to see her mum die. She didn’t want to have those memories. In the end she did it through duty and now she’s absolutely haunted by her mums final few days. She hasn’t really coped with life since. Obviously she misses her mum terribly, but it’s the last few days that she just can not cope with. She’s had to give up her job, her relationships have suffered. She wishes so much that she had not given in to the pressure to be there. And now everyone says how she shouldn’t have made herself witness it...the same people who made her feel she had to be there!

Care Assistant here. I've witnessed many deaths over the years. I've saw many families cope and greive differently, none of them were selfish or wrong in their choices or actions.

I've witnessed many who are dying, pass in the presence of loved ones comfortably and peacefully. I've witnessed many deaths where I was the only one present because family had already said goodbye, or didn't make it on time. They also passed comfortably and peacefully.

Your DP isn't showing any red flags, in fact it sounds like he is trying to keep a level of routine and normality around the circumstances. It's not an unusual way to cope. SiL has chosen to be with her mother, there is nothing wrong with her choice either but it doesn't mean other family members are less dedicated.

When it comes to the death of a parent (or a loved iL), I think it's best to do what one feels is right and allow others to do the same, even if we don't agree with it. Some people can deal with a deathbed, some can't.

My DBro is one who can't. He loved our dad deeply, but he just could not cope with watching him die. He did come though and say his goodbye, but then he left the house and my DH kept him company outside. When our mum was dying (during the lockdown) we were allowed in to see her for 15 minutes to say good bye (she was unconscious) but then we both had to leave. It absolutely killed me that I was not allowed to sit with Mum for the hours remaining to her. But I think my brother felt relief. As far as I'm concerned neither of us was 'right', neither of us was 'wrong'. We just receive and process grief differently.

I do agree that he should share any 'duties' with his sister for what happens after she dies. My DBro was wonderful at handling the 'details' for Mum when Dad died, and sharing the needed duties with me when Mum died.

Death is a 'dangerous' time for families. Feuds start, grievances form, silent resentments foment. But now is not the time for any of that. Try to find your own peace. Leave your DH to find his in his own way, even if you vehemently disagree with it. There will be time enough when the grief has lessened to try to understand he actions.

None of us wants to experience this but someone has to!

My bloody sister whinged and whinged when our mum was on her deathbed and she and her H were sitting with her in the night as the rest of us had children. She kept saying she didn't want to be there and people mostly died at night.

Well, our mum passed away in the afternoon when my youngest sibling and I were there, and it was the best outcome because we although fearful wanted to be there for her! It was a privilege to be there to comfort her in the last minutes of her life. We'd left her room to get something to eat while the nurses made her comfortable, but neither of us felt much like eating, and something prompted me to say, "let's go back now". When we got back, she was clearly dying. The nurses said she waited for us.

You have no right to dictate to or judge your husband on how he handles the final days of his mother. It isn't your place to be "disappointed". Butt out. The only red flags are yours for being controlling about how others grieve.

People deal with it so differently.

My FIL when his wife was dying, decided to give his eldest (and very very selfish and uncaring) son a lift a 3 hour round trip away. I think that he didnt want to think about the fact that it could really be happening. He (and as a result, his son, my ex) is very "Dont borrow trouble, if the worst happens, we will deal with it then". As a "Prepare for the worst but hope for the best" kind of person, you can imagine who hard I found this to understand.

As it was, he barely made it back. I was with her longer than he was.

Then after her death he spent years to my knowledge, and probably still, blaming the hospital for her death because he says that they shouldnt have operated on her when they did. This was all out of guilt. She was a housebound alcoholic, and he bought her booze for her. He is teetotal and always has been, oddly. She was 60 when she died but had the body of a 90 year old in the words of the doctor. He knows deep down that it was her drinking that heavily contributed to her not making it through the op but with it she might have lived, without it she would have definitely died. In order to ameliorate his guilt, he blames the surgeons.

Your DH will probably tear himself to pieces over the coming weeks through guilt and grief. I recommend contacting CRUSE, they really are very good.