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Original poster

MIL about to die, dh stayed at work

401 replies

Salantanamana · 14/02/2023 23:46

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

OP posts:
Buxton87 · 15/02/2023 03:12

Argh that was to someone else! Eugh how annoying is this

ApolloandDaphne · 15/02/2023 03:19

I didn't want to be with my dad as he died. I had said my goodbyes to him and wanted to retain that memory rather than see him take his last breath. He actually went in the night in the few hours my DM had gone home to sleep. I like to believe that's the way he wanted it. Not everyone deals with death and dying in the same way. There isn't a right or a wrong.

MarshaMelrose · 15/02/2023 03:22

I understand he found it too hard to be there but it's more about his mother knowing her son is with her. I'd expect him to put her wellbeing before his own. And I, too, would be disappointed that he didn't.

MarshaMelrose · 15/02/2023 03:30

Yes she did ask for him in every minute that she was able to, probably 6 times today, she asked for him.

Oh, this actually made me cry. That she was asking for him and he stayed away. That's a hard thing to forget. I wonder if over the next few weeks he will be comfortable with his decision or whether he'll regret it. And whether he'd stay away if it were you or your children.

Madamecastafiore · 15/02/2023 03:52

What a shit thing to go through and then to be judged by his nearest and dearest and with talk about red flags. Give your head a wobble, we all deal with grief in different ways and you're wrong to think you have a right to judge him on how he deals with his. What you should be offering now if love and support not judgement.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 15/02/2023 04:19

Sakura7 · 15/02/2023 00:14

Surely it's about a woman seeing her son for the last time?

Being with your parent to comfort them in their final hours is hardly performative, it's basic decency.

Show quote history

This.

And being there to support his sister who has had all of the hard work.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 15/02/2023 04:28

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 15/02/2023 00:04

Controversial take….

I’ve been unlucky and seen a few people in my life have illnesses and ultimately pass away.

It is a total privilege to be there with them, to comfort them however you can. Luckily, I’m not a talking about providing total care for them (shoutout to lots of amazing nurses who’ve done that!!!).

Each time I have seen complete and utter let-downs. Eg in a family of ten, one will just opt out, ask for updates cheerily over text, do NOTHING to support the person passing. Importantly too - the sign of a complete dipshit is they also do NOTHING to help those who are supporting the person passing. Eg no emotional support, no help with practical stuff, no help with admin after the death.

I get that everyone deals differently with death. Guess what? I did NOT want to see everything I did, I did NOT want to hear everything I did. But I was there for my loved ones. At the time it can be hard, it can be comforting and healing… and now I am so overly grateful I was there.

The people who don’t help through those times, in ANY role, and say they just don’t like death… guess what? None of us do. Like all big life events, when you have kids or marriage problems, you don’t get training or have some special talent for dealing with it. And it’s not about us, it’s above supporting the one we love who could otherwise feel alone and unloved and uncertain in their final days. It’s selfish to the extreme to duck out in these hard times.

Huge red flag. Will he be there for you, if you need him as his mother did? Honestly I can’t give time to people like that, what does anything mean if they won’t be there in times of need.

Absolutely this.

I was with both my parents when they died - years apart. If we were to go by most of the replies to the OP, we must presume that all a dying person's loved ones who are with them at the end, must love doing so, that it is such a great way for some people to spend their time, after all why else would they choose to do so?

He is being a selfish prick, and you are lovely
@Salantanamana.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 15/02/2023 04:39

Sorry @Salantanamana I was so frustrated by all the people giving you such a hard time that I forgot to give you my condolences on losing an obviously dearly loved Mother-in-Law. Oh, and to thank you for giving your DMiL the chance to be a good one.

Your DMiL was very lucky to have you as her DDiL, just as I am to have mine. Sadly, many on Mumsnet seem to equate their husband's mothers as being equal to being one of the Devils workers.

Talapia · 15/02/2023 04:40

Salantanamana · 15/02/2023 00:43

Yes she did ask for him in every minute that she was able to, probably 6 times today, she asked for him.

Show quote history

He should have been there. She asked and he should have gone to her.
His SIL seems to have done everything whilst he's carried on as normal. I'd have a hard time coming to terms with that. He's either scared or just plain selfish.
.
Both my parents died at home. My father after a long illness. It was an honour to be with them. They both regressed a little and became almost childlike and being able to reassure them meant a lot to me and them.

Having said that, my DH was not at the death of either of his parents as they lived much further away than mine . For many people distance will be a barrier to being with their family.

I think the fact he chose not to though, when he could have got there and was requested to, I would find it hard to reconcile my feelings.

He needs to step up now and support his family now or will all that be left to sil too.

Sympathy for your loss @Salantanamana you sound like a lovely Dil.

LazyDaisy89 · 15/02/2023 04:43

He needs your compassion and not your judgement. There is no one right way to deal with death.

Redkettle · 15/02/2023 04:50

Haven't read the whole thread op. But after reading your wonderful MIL was asking for him, assuming he knew this, I'd be on the same page as you. I've just lost my mum. Without my brothers support I'd be lost. Just one of the saddest threads I've seen for long time.

Emilia35 · 15/02/2023 04:55

Can't believe the number of people defending this awful selfish behaviour. No one likes death, but guess what? You put your feelings aside and think about the dying person's needs.

Unless there's a backstory and his mum wasn't great/they had a bad relationship, this is extremely selfish. I'd ask your husband how he'd like to die all alone because literally no one likes death, but we all go through things that are hard for the people we love.

MavisFlump · 15/02/2023 04:57

My husband wouldn’t go anywhere near either of his parents when they were dying, didn’t visit them once ☹️
He has to live with that decision. I was there when each of them died, I helped nurse MIL at home, FIL was in hospital.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 15/02/2023 05:09

HeddaGarbled · 15/02/2023 01:53

My bloody sister whinged and whinged when our mum was on her deathbed and she and her H were sitting with her in the night as the rest of us had children. She kept saying she didn't want to be there and people mostly died at night

This is the problem encapsulated. Your sister was doing a really hard thing and expressed how hard she was finding it out loud.

You have interpreted her pain and distress in a negative way and come to a nasty judgemental verdict.

As has the OP.

But surely the difference there @HeddaGarbled was that however much she moaned, that person's sister apparently still stayed there, she could have walked away...
I agree completely with the OP.

sjxoxo · 15/02/2023 05:13

My uncle made no effort to see my grandma - his mum - before she died… tbh op I felt less of him as a person like you. I still do. I noticed he made the effort for his dad a year later… I wonder still why he thought his mother wasn’t worth that effort. I find it really sad, and I hope she didn’t think about it too much at the end.

Is it possible he is so upset he just isn’t capable? I agree people deal with death in their own way but I do agree with you he could have spent some time there and then left. More for her than himself maybe. I don’t think there’s much you can do about it now either; I think you just have to accept he’s done that now and that’s that. Maybe as time passes it will be easier for you to process and perhaps he will explain in time. Xxx

kateandme · 15/02/2023 05:22

its a really hard one.
yes he should answer her and come.ideally yes.
if there is no backstory then yes ideally being there even just in the house for the family would be ideal
but grief and loss and death doesnt work in ideals.
it can literally send people crazy.make them different people. and i dont no if your dh is a good bloke that we can put too much blame on him here. if this is totally out of character for him then actually i feel really bad for him,about whats going on in his mind that he cant bare to see her,or be near her. he must be hurting.and we all hurt and react to that hurt in different ways.and in death often its never the right way.
death can make people do funny thing totally against there usual character.
talk to him. see if you can figure this out together,come up with a way for him to be here.
unless hes shrugging it off and going "nah no problems,chill, what the issue" kind of not being there then the man is clearly going through something.

whybeabitch · 15/02/2023 05:23

Salantanamana · 14/02/2023 23:46

I don't know why I'm posting, I just want to get thoughts straight I think. DSIL rang this afternoon to say mil had taken a turn for the worse. She has been terminal for a while and sil has been there 24/7 since diagnosis. MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called. I am disappointed. I know that every body's ideas of death are different but even if he didn't want to see her body, his mom was still alive and he could just be there for other people or put these feelings aside. I think less of him as a person that his instinct was not to come to him mom on knowing how ill she is but to stay at work. Mine was different and she is not even my mom. It is screaming at me 🚩🚩

This is so hard. You obviously have a strong connection with your own family and strong values, so when your husband acts in a way that doesn't align with yours, it can make you feel this way and that's tough.

It sounds like your husband either isn't coping well with his mothers death or is suffering from some form of trauma relating to her, losing her or seeing someone die - perhaps something he hasn't told you about or even generational trauma that is hindering his ability to cope with this. Either way, he is shutting down over this and will need your support more than anything.

It's important to take note of the red flags here. Although it may just be a first instinct reaction that you may feel differently about once speaking to him, it's highlighted an area in life where you are different and you will need to consider if this can be accepted in your relationship.

Somethings that are different between partners can be accepted and some things can't. Your moral values have to align somewhat.

Don't let any of the trolls here make you feel less of a person for thinking these feelings out loud and being honest with yourself. They are just trolls with more going wrong in their own lives that you could ever imagine.

I hope your husband finds a way to handle this situation and hope you can put your concerns to one side for the moment to support him through this tough time

Noicant · 15/02/2023 05:27

I know someone who refused to see their best friend when they were terminally ill and dying. They genuinely loved that person (they were like soulmates) and couldn’t bear it. It was still selfish and cowardly though.

I’d expect my DH to hold it together and do the right thing. That sounds harsh but not everything is about you, sometimes you have to really just be there regardless of how you feel. I would be worried about it, if he finds is hard how will he handle it if you get ill or are dying? Avoid you?

OuiLaLa · 15/02/2023 05:37

I get it OP. I was the sister in this situation. DF died a long, slow death and my brother did naff all. Came reluctantly for the end but missed it because he wanted a long shower and breakfast (despite the nurse saying dad was going very soon).

have zero relationship with my brother now and no respect for him. I think you have been great and I’m so pleased for your SIL (and mil) that she had you to support her. I think you sound pretty special for that. Must have been so hard to hear her ask for him and do all the excuses. If your husband doesn’t do death then I suspect he may not fancy a some long emotional chat about it later. All the best op and sorry for your loss.

whybeabitch · 15/02/2023 05:40

StanleyBriggs · 15/02/2023 02:47

Also, this is borrowed from a different sphere but you are approaching this as a choice he has made.

To him, it may not feel like a choice. He may well feel that he can't. It's easy to sit in judgement on someone and say "Emma did it so Gus can too" or "I did it so you can too", but sometimes it doesn't feel like that to the person, it may just feel utterly beyond them.

This is a good time to treat your husband with compassion.

This is how you respond to such a sensitive matter with good advice...so nice to read!

We cannot judge people at their worst moments. Yes we can take note and discuss these things at a later date, but right now this man just needs support in doing what's right for him.

I know a mother who couldn't bare to see her young sons body after he died and would not witness his burial. Her husband didn't even call her when her son was dying as he knew she wouldn't want "anything to do with it" - this would not be me, no-one could stand between me and my child in a situation like that, but everyone is different, has different coping skills and different traumas.

StarsSand · 15/02/2023 05:57

I understand how you feel Op.

I think you learn a lot about people in times of stress. You'd hope that most people would have the strength to suck it up and show up for the hard parts.

I'd be disappointed as well that he didn't push himself through it for the sake of his mum and siblings. Showing up was the obvious right thing to do.

Sorry for you Le loss

tara66 · 15/02/2023 06:23

Death is reality for everyone. The fact is that life is actually quite short.
He will die one day. Will he expect anyone in his family to support him then?
Will you OP ask him that?

IWonderWhyIBother · 15/02/2023 06:30

MIL had taken a turn and was out, still is. I love all my in laws, every one of them. My H did not go straight to the house, he said he'd wait and see. All of the other family came over but he said he was uncomfortable with death and didn't want to see this. He came 6 hours after being called.

You say she is still out after taking a turn. So you think everyone should be there for how long? It’s already been 6 hours and she’s still alive when he’s arrived, I don’t see your problem. If she has been ill for a while then I imagine he has been having to come to terms with the fact that his mother is dying which can’t be easy. My BIL response was similar when MIL was dying but we understood how he was struggling and didn’t judge him. The only red flag I see is that at some point you might use his grief against him. I can imagine the words I was in your mother's bedroom holding her hand being said in anger.
Support your husband rather than judging him.

cosmiccosmos · 15/02/2023 06:43

My DH has done many things that I would never do and consider disrespectful. He has different 'values' to me and often to society norms.

I think less of him for this and have list respect for him tbh, imo it's burn out of selfishness. These things reflect badly on him not on me. If ever there is a situation where this is questioned I am very honest and ensure it's clear that it's not what I would do, neither do I explain for him/give excuses.

dawngreen · 15/02/2023 06:45

Some times ppl cannot cope, and want to keep the happy times in their memories.