DD age 5 described as rude and nasty by holiday club leader

[ilovetomatoes]

As the title says when I picked her up today the leader said this. She wasn’t listening, wouldn’t follow instructions when asked and was “nasty” to another kid ( no details given). I’m a bit shocked. I just said I would speak to her but I’ve never had such horrendous feedback before. The not listening thing for sure which we’ve spoken about but more annoying rather than rude?

I’ve sat her down and talked through how she needs to behave and follow instructions. Bit upset she was described as nasty tbh

Doing a nasty (unkind?) thing might be a one-off or a reaction to something that your child perceived done to them. You need to talk to your child to see what happened from their point of view.

But having spent a lot of time with children in an educational setting, I would say that you can spot a kid who is subtly/unsubtly unkind to other children a mile off. They are often the children who don’t listen and are rude.

Perhaps someone in a holiday club is able to be more direct with you about your child’s behaviour than maybe someone in a school environment. School/nursery will never be that direct.

My first question to my kids when anything happened was ‘what would the other child say?’ I could tell by their reaction if they were being less than honest. Sometimes our kids aren’t perfect. I mean this really gently.

It sounds like really hostile and unhelpful feedback in relation to a 5 year old.
The group leader sounds a bit like she’s not well trained and tired or just made a snap judgement about your kid. Try not to take it to heart, see how it goes tomorrow. If you have no other childcare options, try flattering the group leader, massaging her ego like saying “oh DD was so good all evening saying what a wonderful time she she had and how she couldn’t wait to come back,
we are telling all our friends how great you were with her,” and I bet suddenly your kid becomes flavour of the month.

The approach should have been calm and kind and something like ", your dd had some interaction with another child and we observed this. Your dd said this so I stepped in and distracted and asked your dd why she said blah."

Good grief, no wonder there are major problems with discipline in schools and parents who won't accept that their children are badly behaved. Sometimes a spade needs to be called a spade.

Having said that, how about you ask the holiday club person tomorrow what actually happened? Some children are rude and nasty - if it was mine, I would want to know and do something about it rather than being offended by the words used.

There is definitely a difference between saying a child was nasty to another child as oppose to being called nasty.

There was a girl in my son's year and she was dreadful to him and she will have only been about 6 at the time. She may not have been nasty to others or nasty as a whole but she was nasty towards my son.

The not listening thing for sure which we’ve spoken about but more annoying rather than rude?
not listening to instructions is rude though.

@Redbushteaforme
But words are crucial and how we express ourselves... I wouldn't want someone who uses language like that around my child...

But words are crucial and how we express ourselves... I wouldn't want someone who uses language like that around my child...

Definition of "rude": offensively impolite or bad mannered.

Definition of "nasty": very bad or unpleasant, behaving in an unpleasant or spiteful way.

Not sure how either of these words merit the description "language like that". They are adjectives in common use, not swear words.

Sometimes saying that a child was "unkind" is not going to get across the fact that bad behaviour was occurring.

I've already said that I think that OP should ask tomorrow what actually happened. Maybe the adjectives used will turn out to be exaggerated/inaccurate. Or maybe they won't. But they are not bad language in themselves.

I couldn't agree more with this.

I think having read this, I have changed how I feel a little and I would be saying to my DD how important it is to be respectful and kind, but if you feel you aren’t being listened to, and saying No isn’t working, it’s ok to stand up for yourself.
I would mention to the staff member today what your DD said and hopefully they will keep an eye on the situation.

This is a child we are talking about, not a 18 year old boy.
qMy 4 year is autistic and can struggle
socially, they desperately want to play but don’t quite know how to make that happen so can just follow kids around in their attempt to be part of things. Are you suggesting it would be ok for someone to be rude and nasty to them because they dont understand they have been rebuffed? Just because he’s a boy doesn’t make him some kind of future predator. We should be teaching our children tolerance of those who function in a different way not that it’s ok to lash out:

Just need to listen to the club leader and make sure your daughter acts in the correct way and knows what is expected of her she won't be the first child described to a parent in this way. Relax

I really don't think the language is strong?!
It IS rude not to listen. When DS (4) does it, I tell him exactly that DS it's incredibly rude to ignore someone, please listen properly/switch your listening ears on (nursery terms).
I also don't think it's over the hill to say she's been nasty to another child, she may well have been, I absolutely would've asked there and then what she'd done though. If that was DS I'd have been mortified and immediately said oh gosh he's not usually like that/he knows better than that, we'll definitely be having a chat at home, what did he do?

I still don't understand why you wouldn't want specific feedback as to what exactly precipitated these observations. If my child was misbehaving enough to garner such feedback I'd want to know what they were doing, to whom and why. What was the context? Was it one incident? It's also an opportunity to find out if this is a completely inappropriate reaction from the leader. It's not just enough to assume anything. If you're child has been behaving badly, particularly when it comes to other little children, then you need to understand exactly what it is she did so that you can talk to her.

It probably would have upset you less if the staff told you dd had been unkind to another child rather than 'nasty' don't you think? But could easily have described the same behaviour. Personally I would have wanted a detailed explanation by the staff, so that you could very specifically address which behaviour your child must avoid. "Don't be unkind" or "Don't be nasty" are a bit general. If, for example, your daughter excluded another child from a game, you could have asked how she thinks that child would feel, how she would feel if it happened to her, etc. Much easier for a 5 year old to think in concrete terms.

without having actually asked what happened you can’t just assume that the club leader is horrible and spoke out of line.

Holiday club leaders see a lot of children and expect them to be a little ‘excited’ when they’re in a different environment.

your daughter is school age - she knows that sometimes she has to sit and listen to an adult.

Yes, she is still little but 5 year olds CAN be polite and it isn’t just generally accepted that little kids can be nasty. She’s big enough to know right from wrong.

Something obviously happened that was bad enough for the leader to have passed on a message to you - honestly though, if you didn’t question it that was your own fault so don’t just go making assumptions. As other people have said.. she didn’t say your child is nasty, she said she was nasty to someone. This is two very different things.

Loads of people saying ‘don’t go back, this lady isn’t nice..’ what do you all do when your child’s teacher says your child has been rude? Never send them back to school?

Why don’t you just email said club and ask for more specifics instead of assuming?

So what if she wasn't really listening, it's a kids club, it's meant to be fun! It's not meant to be like school Ffs! 🙄 They're there to supervise your child while they play and have a nice time on holiday, not boss your child around! If she didn't want to join in the stupid songs or listen to them waffle on in baby voices talking about fluffy toys and all the other crap, she doesn't have to

Absolutely agree with this. We shouldn’t be teaching girls to be nice to boys who won’t leave them alone. I’m not suggesting the boy had any ill intent, but girls need to be raised to know that it’s ok for them to assert themselves in situations like that, not groomed to believe they always need to #BeKind.

You will do her no favours by not accepting that this is behaviours she displays. The adult is doing the right thing to help you to help her become a good global citizen who isn’t nasty to others. Kids can be vile and you sound like you are trying to defend her

One of your jobs as a parent is to ensure your kid is not an as*hole in public.. sounds like you might be failing slightly so instead of thinking how out of order this person is perhaps think about how you deal with your kid. I’d have asked for context from childcare provider before clutching your pearls though

No one wants to think that their child could be challenging or unkind to others. But at 5 it sure happens it doesn't mean your childis nasty. We don't know the situation either ( been in childcare for 30 yrs)
Turn it around on them and ask " how are you supporting my child through this? What have you put in place?
As a parent you have every right to ask these questions and expect an answer.

I remember when DS1 was preschool his nursery assistant said he’d been spiteful. I cried & cried. I was 8 months pregnant at the time so I put it down partly to that but I still think it was a poor choice of word. Maybe the assistant had a bad day! I think I’d feedback to them that you’ve told DS what isn’t acceptable behaviour but that you don’t like their use of “nasty”. Good luck

Turn it around on them and ask " how are you supporting my child through this? What have you put in place? Jeez. Or OP could just parent and tell her child to behave herself.

Op, your child must have been a little brat today and instead of taking offence, speak to her to make things better tomorrow. She’s 5!! They can be rude and nasty to other children sometimes, every single one of them. I’m not sure why you’re so annoyed with the leader. It’s your daughter’s behaviour you should be annoyed at, not the poor lady who’s had to put up with it all day.