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Original poster

DD age 5 described as rude and nasty by holiday club leader

181 replies

ilovetomatoes · 14/02/2023 19:02

As the title says when I picked her up today the leader said this. She wasn’t listening, wouldn’t follow instructions when asked and was “nasty” to another kid ( no details given). I’m a bit shocked. I just said I would speak to her but I’ve never had such horrendous feedback before. The not listening thing for sure which we’ve spoken about but more annoying rather than rude?

I’ve sat her down and talked through how she needs to behave and follow instructions. Bit upset she was described as nasty tbh

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 14/02/2023 19:20

I think take it on the chin, OP, and move forward on this, its not nice, but clearly isnt totally our of the blue, with you "not listening isnt rude" comment, so the important thing is what are you going to do to change her behaviour?

musicalgymball · 14/02/2023 19:20

A lot of times people just won't give you feedback though. It doesn't mean behaviours aren't happening, it means they'd rather not deal with upset parents who don't like being told that their kids did something wrong. It's easier not to say anything so most people don't.

But it will still affect your daughter as people will notice their behaviour and won't want to be around her.

We went to a kids birthday party recently where we noticed a child being truly awful to another kid, pulling their hair, trying to hit them, take things off them. Their parents did nothing. I internally noted never to spend any time around these people again and to make sure my kid knows this behaviour is a disgrace and you don't want to be like that or nobody will like you. However, I smiled and said nothing to the parents. As did everyone else. But my kid won't be going to their birthday party.

You need to watch for yourself multiple times when she's with other kids and doesn't know you're watching. Difficult, but this is probably the only way to know what she's like with other kids when you're not there.

ManchesterGirl2 · 14/02/2023 19:21

I think you need to ask what they meant by "nasry to another child". So that you can address it if necessary. Or defend her/ withdraw her if they are being unfair.

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Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Families
Cheeseandlobster · 14/02/2023 19:24

CupEmpty · 14/02/2023 19:03

Big difference between saying she ‘was nasty to another child’ and she ‘is nasty’.

This. Its two different things and you know it. If your daughter doesn't listen it IS rude and you need to be educating her about her listening skills. If she was unkind to another child then that could be described as nasty. You seem to have rose tinted glasses on when it comes to your dd

JussathoB · 14/02/2023 19:25

I can see why you are concerned but try not to worry too much. Don’t overthink it and make it a bigger problem. Try to relax - ok so the play leader seemed cross about your DD. I would just take a breath, keep calm, carry on and just keep an eye on things. Everything may just go smoothly from now on, it could be just a blip, so don’t blow it up. If something else crops up just ask a few more questions. Talk to your DD, but remember the perspective of a 5 yr old may not be the whole story. If the play leader says something else discuss it in more detail with him/her so you can perhaps solve the difficulty together.

GroggyLegs · 14/02/2023 19:25

Yeah that's like feedback from the 80's & hard to hear as a mum.

But as you say you accept the content, just not the language, this leader has probably given you some valuable insight into how others will see her behaviour.

gettingalifttothestation · 14/02/2023 19:27

ilovetomatoes · 14/02/2023 19:11

Ok yes I’m thinking back to the conversation and she did say she was nasty to another child so fair point

Still I feel this is very strong feedback and language to use. Implies DD is really awful which she isn’t as she’s been to many holiday clubs and doesn’t get this kind of feedback

She was rude and she was nasty to another child. Don't keep defending her they have been honest with you it's up to you what you do about it but if you keep minimising she will get worse.

Original poster
ilovetomatoes · 14/02/2023 19:28

@GroggyLegs thanks. exactly this. I told DD that she made a very poor first impression and she needs to apologise properly to the leader tomorrow and make it right

OP posts:
whereaw · 14/02/2023 19:29

She's five. Maybe she's getting things a little wrong. Try to listen, although it's really hard to hear.

Watch her a little bit more, see how she's engaging with kids when you go to places like parks, soft plays etc.

There are a lot of 5 year olds who are nasty to other kids. If that's the case it's on you to try to turn things round for her. As why she might be acting in that way?

One of the most important things we can do for our kids is to help them to become likeable kids, and eventually likeable adults. If we are annoyed or irritated by our kids sometimes, imagine how other people feel about them.

People who are likeable will get on better in life. That's just a fact.

momonpurpose · 14/02/2023 19:29

Sorry OP but I'd be upset with my child not the person who you spoke to. It must have been bad as other posters say most won't comment on behavior. Focus on changing her behavior before she is THAT child with THAT parent

Original poster
ilovetomatoes · 14/02/2023 19:31

@JussathoB thanks. I’m not going to raise the use of language with the leader, will see how it goes tomorrow and hopefully no further issues but if there are will sit down properly with the leader to discuss.

OP posts:
Noicant · 14/02/2023 19:32

Personally I would go back, be very neutral about it and ask exactly what the behaviour was so that I can deal with it. DD generally gets good feedback but has on occasion been pulled up and definitely struggles with listening (she’s 3 though so vaguely normal). We deal with it and explain that if she wants to participate then being able to listen is important.

It hurts when someone says something about your child, definitely had a few gut punches myself, but I try to take it constructively. I trust the people leading her various activities to be even handed and I see it as enabling her to learn the skills she needs to function well in a group. Absolutely do not take it personally, your DD is 5 she’s still learning the rules so take it as an opportunity. The language was unfortunate so focus on the content.

Puddywoodycat · 14/02/2023 19:33

As pp said big difference in use of language.

  1. try and find out exactly what happened and ask her how she helped support your dd.

  2. what are her qualifications? Does she have any early years training?

I can't imagine anyone with early years knowledge would speak in those terms.

However try not to be defensive and get to the bottom of it. If she has to go to this club then at least try a d pop in unannounced to see what's going on

PeekAtYou · 14/02/2023 19:34

ilovetomatoes · 14/02/2023 19:16

The leader did say she was rude, that’s the language she used. And gave the example of her not listening.

DD said a boy was following her around and wouldn’t leave her alone. That’s all I can get out of her.

I am of course taking the feedback and going to observe DD more closely. It was the use of language by the leader that shocked me. I was taken aback when she was speaking to me that it seemed really awful.

Role play with her how to deal with this kind of situation. If she snapped and told him to
go away and the adult only saw that but then she's obviously not been nasty as the boy was winding her up. That situation is likely to happen again so it would be good to give her some
confidence about what to do.

Tickledtrout · 14/02/2023 19:34

What do you know about the club and the leader OP? Not all clubs are equal. Not all staff are equally qualified and experienced. Holiday clubs are not as well regulated as nurseries and schools. Yes, encourage your child to be polite but keep an eye.

SofiaAmes · 14/02/2023 19:36

Your dd is very young to be having that sort of denouncement made after a few hours of interaction. I would try to get to the bottom of what exactly went on and why. It's particularly concerning that your dd is reporting that a boy was following her around and wouldn't leave her alone. What about this boy's behavior was unwelcome to your dd? Was he touching her, saying things to her, invading her personal space or none of the above? Is it possible that she needs better tools for managing bad behavior on the part of another child. The "not listening" may be less concerning . That could indicate anything from active ignoring of a teacher talking, to slow processing that means that it takes your dd time to process what has been said to her. These are different behaviors and require different solutions. My dc's both have slow processing and high IQ's. However their outward interaction with their teachers as a result of the slow processing looked very different. Ds would appear to be "not listening" while dd would just go quiet and have internal anxiety attacks. Ds was labeled as "misbehaving" and dd was labeled as "behaving" but neither was getting the interaction they needed.

Original poster
ilovetomatoes · 14/02/2023 19:38

@PeekAtYou excellent advice thank you I’ll do this

OP posts:
endoftheworldniteclub · 14/02/2023 19:38

musicalgymball · 14/02/2023 19:20

A lot of times people just won't give you feedback though. It doesn't mean behaviours aren't happening, it means they'd rather not deal with upset parents who don't like being told that their kids did something wrong. It's easier not to say anything so most people don't.

But it will still affect your daughter as people will notice their behaviour and won't want to be around her.

We went to a kids birthday party recently where we noticed a child being truly awful to another kid, pulling their hair, trying to hit them, take things off them. Their parents did nothing. I internally noted never to spend any time around these people again and to make sure my kid knows this behaviour is a disgrace and you don't want to be like that or nobody will like you. However, I smiled and said nothing to the parents. As did everyone else. But my kid won't be going to their birthday party.

You need to watch for yourself multiple times when she's with other kids and doesn't know you're watching. Difficult, but this is probably the only way to know what she's like with other kids when you're not there.

You should have intervened when he was pulling the girl’s hair. Poor girl, not a single adult in that room she could trust to help her.

Onnabugeisha · 14/02/2023 19:39

DD said a boy was following her around and wouldn’t leave her alone.

Going against the grain here but I think your DD had every right to be rude even nasty to a boy that is harassing her. In fact I’d be telling the leader to have words with the boys parents that “no” means “no” and “leave me alone” means “leave me alone.”

It’s a sad state of affairs if we start teaching 5yo girls they have to be nice to boys that won’t leave them alone or they are being “rude” and “nasty” and then have to apologise for having boundaries and exercising autonomy.

Sherrystrull · 14/02/2023 19:44

I honestly don't understand your issue. You were told she was nasty to another child and wasn't listening. How is this inappropriate to tell a parent? How would you want her to have phrased it? You should have asked what happened.

RicardaPrycke · 14/02/2023 19:44

Tickledtrout · 14/02/2023 19:34

What do you know about the club and the leader OP? Not all clubs are equal. Not all staff are equally qualified and experienced. Holiday clubs are not as well regulated as nurseries and schools. Yes, encourage your child to be polite but keep an eye.

Agree with every word of this.

BCBird · 14/02/2023 19:45

I don't think there is much point in saying unkind behaviour. This sounds like a parent who asked me to say their child had said untruths rather than that he had lied to me. Nonsense. I don't know how yiu can address her being nasty to.another child if you don't know what she did or said. I elukd have asked for the details. It would have more impact if you deal.wkth specifics I would have thought rather than generalisations. Have yiu ever seen evidence of her being nasty to other children? Is she used to ur undivided attention?

BCBird · 14/02/2023 19:45

Oops. Sausage fingers with typos

ExistenceOptional · 14/02/2023 19:47

@Sherrystrull Staff are now supposed to sugar coat issues and say things like your DC needs to remember to have kind hands. Its why lots of staff do not bother giving feedback at all. These will be staff on NMW or just above, its not worth the hassle of dealing with angry parents.

grumpycow1 · 14/02/2023 19:47

OP I would not be sending my 5 year old back here. They should not be describing children in that way and probably breaking some form of guidelines?? I’d be worried they cannot objectively care for my child. Yes absolutely raise any challenging behaviour with you but this language is just off… I’d also ask for much more detail on what the rude and nasty behaviour was. Consider leaving a review about them too as I would want to know before sending my 5 year old there! If you really have to send her tomorrow, I’d go there early and ask to speak to the big boss. It’s really not ok.