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Original poster

Is it possible to emulate private school education if you have motivated parents on a budget?!

177 replies

Explodingatomickittens · 09/02/2023 10:24

Can't afford private school, dd year 6 & ds year old 5... What extracurriculars do private schools provide? What are the main differences & how can we compansate?

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 16:25

Tirednest · 09/02/2023 16:18

I think what you buy into is the ethos and the feeling of the school. If it's a well run school, then the feeling of being part of something special can't really be replicated. Doing extra clubs etc isn't really likely to create the feeling of pride and belonging you can get from a really good school.

And before you start, I'm sure it's perfectly possible to have that feeling of pride in your state school. We had one choice of state school and I can't imagine anyone feels any pride about going there.

Absolutely. I was fortunate enough to be able to attend a very good state school with a ln exceptionally strong and distinct ethos of which I remain proud today.

I don't think dd has ever felt the same pride in her secondary school as I did, despite it having a very positive ethos and positive environment for her overall. Having said that, I'm not sure that the lack of pride in her school has made any real difference to her overall confidence or wellbeing!

Chasedbythechaser · 09/02/2023 16:26
  • good
  • For that reason
  • fountain pens

I need new glasses!!!

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 09/02/2023 16:29

In terms of development of “aspirations”… I am in two minds about that. On one hand, growing surrounded by kids who are all willing to go to top universities or go into the family business May help them to aim for the same, on the other hand… I would send a boy to a private school anytime as the male role models they see around them are mostly financially successful men. For girls, not so much, they may grow up in an environment where the norm is for men go to work and women to stay at home and take care of the children. I wouldn’t like my DD to think that the aim is getting a good provider, but for her to see herself as the one who provides the life she aims for.

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bobbytorq · 09/02/2023 16:31

The benefits of private school for me were the network of friends that I made who are now in very influential roles. I went to study medicine and I had several placements with parents of my friends. The old boys/girls network is something that is hard to replicate outside of a private school.

Nocutenamesleft · 09/02/2023 16:52

You could do child led learning. So whatever they're interested in you could encourage and learn yourself

Private schools work for many due to much smaller classes etc so whatever they've learnt during that week go over and relearn it and make sure they really understand the subject like a private school would.

They also do much more learning in the evenings and more extra curricular activities.

Go round one and see and ask the question?

Nocutenamesleft · 09/02/2023 16:54

However some children just excel and they excel either at state school. Private school. Or home ed

And some children are not at all academic and struggle in social situations and no amount of intervention would help as such

You've got to do what works well for your child and I think pushing some won't work.

Chasedbythechaser · 09/02/2023 17:32

And some children are not at all academic and struggle in social situations and no amount of intervention would help as such

IOn the other hand, I would prefer to put my struggling child into a private school where they will be encouraged to participate in a small class than stay in the shadows in a busy state school.

DelphiniumBlue · 09/02/2023 17:57

It's about the contacts, mixing with well connected people with money, who can afford holidays, for their children not to have to work while they are studying, where expectations are high in terms of effort and achievement.
DS didn't go to private school, but most of his uni friends did, and for him the difference is they were used to being disciplined about studying, and had less free time to spend as they wanted. They were expected to study or do sports/ music practice every day , and fitted in a lot more into their day, kept up a higher pace of productivity.
All anecdotal, of course!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 18:47

Chasedbythechaser · 09/02/2023 17:32

And some children are not at all academic and struggle in social situations and no amount of intervention would help as such

IOn the other hand, I would prefer to put my struggling child into a private school where they will be encouraged to participate in a small class than stay in the shadows in a busy state school.

I do understand this.

We considered our local private options with a very open mind, but inevitably we viewed them through the lens of what they could offer our dd, which turned out to be no better than what the state schools were offering. Had dd been struggling in any way, I accept that we might have reached a different conclusion, and in that situation, I'd have done everything in our power to help her.

Ultimately, it's about finding the school that is the best fit for the child.

hellsbells99 · 09/02/2023 19:02

I notice that friends children that went to private school always had confidence. My DDs are now young adults with degrees and good jobs, but the one thing I would change if I had my time again would be to enrol them into drama classes to try and build that confidence up from an early age.
The things I did do with them was to read to them and encourage them to read from an early age, take them to the theatre, dance lessons and music lessons.

idonotmind · 09/02/2023 19:13

Avoid the short-term fun things - aim more for the long-term achievement type activities -

Library, parks, hiking etc.

Avoid McDonalds and soft play

idonotmind · 09/02/2023 19:17

@thecatsthecats

The poor woman was in tears, and it's fucking awful. They wanted the "naice middle class" lady to speak to them, not the woman with far more knowledge and experience, who was also from the very group they wanted to support.

*

Thanks for acknowledging that this happens. Most middle class people wouldn't, it's appreciated.

Floofyduffypuddy · 09/02/2023 19:19

I really don't think the personal stuff comes from the school it's from the parents.

Op if you like culture then just share it, your children will be mostly influenced by you.

randomsabreuse · 09/02/2023 19:32

I went private, DC won't. Things I want to instill...

  1. Competition is not something to be ashamed of (win or lose)
  1. Musical opportunities (instrument lessons and when appropriate, ensembles). Choir.
  1. A group of motivated aspirational peers with a shared interest - could be sport, music, dance or drama.

Plus, tutoring (initially by parents) to fill any apparent gaps. I probably ought to start teaching french soon.

I'm not entirely convinced that private schools are that much better than motivated parents with time to do extra curricular stuff. Most private schools offer ok extra curriculars at one location, specialist clubs will often be better but less convenient if you work full time traditional office hours...

AuxArmesCitoyens · 09/02/2023 19:36

Send them to Christ's Hospital. Publuc school on a state school budget.

Tirednest · 09/02/2023 19:42

AuxArmesCitoyens · 09/02/2023 19:36

Send them to Christ's Hospital. Publuc school on a state school budget.

God no!

Floofyduffypuddy · 09/02/2023 20:34

I think private school offers an overall nicer experience.

They are usually smaller, have a more cosy feel, in beautiful (decrepit) old buildings..

Where as the usual comp is a 70s concrete monstrosity, huge and overwhelming with little chance for any personal feeling. It's a huge massive exam factory.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 21:08

Floofyduffypuddy · 09/02/2023 20:34

I think private school offers an overall nicer experience.

They are usually smaller, have a more cosy feel, in beautiful (decrepit) old buildings..

Where as the usual comp is a 70s concrete monstrosity, huge and overwhelming with little chance for any personal feeling. It's a huge massive exam factory.

My school was certainly not particularly pretty - more 1960s car park than 1970s monstrosity - and it was also quite large. I guess it could be overwhelming at times. I absolutely dispute the fact that there was no chance for any personal feeling or that it was just an exam factory. The teachers were incredible - warm, caring and dedicated. I'm still in touch with some of them 30+ years later.

My dd has had a similar experience at her state secondary. I don't know where you'd get the idea that they necessarily feel impersonal. That hasn't been my experience at all.

Also, for some kids, small and cosy might be quite claustrophobic. It just depends what you want, I guess.

TheaBrandt · 09/02/2023 21:54

Dds all girls state school looks like my old office in the City - all glass atriums super smart. Very happy with their school we can provide the “soft” skills of confidence etc don’t need a school for that.

Ilovewhippets · 09/02/2023 22:06

Personally, one of the reasons we chose not to send dd to a private school was because of the cohort. She went to a very middle class primary school and learned to be so much more open-minded and less judgemental as a result of going to a secondary school with a more diverse socio-economic background

MrsBennet you say in this post that all children who go to a state school are more open minded and less judgemental than privately educated children.

My dd has had a similar experience at her state secondary. I don't know where you'd get the idea that they necessarily feel impersonal. That hasn't been my experience at all.

Then you take up another poster for saying state schools are impersonal. Evidently it’s fine to generalise about private schools but not about state schools.

Original poster
Explodingatomickittens · 09/02/2023 23:16

sjxoxo · 09/02/2023 14:32

My own feeling is that private schools seem to be able to instill a level of confidence that is hard to match. I went to a crappy school, followed by a very selective one, and then to a top 5 UK uni. You could tell at Uni who had been to private school/boarding school- most people - and I felt like there was a level of confidence that most others just didn’t have. I don’t know if that comes from a place of great financial security during upbringing, a huge mix of environments and greater ‘exposure’ to the world. I did notice that many of my friends and other students who had been through private education also had lived in lots of different places, often around the world. I wonder if it’s this wider exposure that gives confidence as you grow up. Obviously there’s all the extra curricular stuff and sport but I think you can emulate that quite well regardless of state or private. I wouldn’t have said we were a particularly clever bunch; but maybe more that our academic results were just because we were able to apply ourselves- perhaps that is also learnt; like a pp said with a lot of focus on achieving a certain outcome and feeling like there are very strong expectations. I’m not saying either state or public is good or better etc; I think children can thrive in either depending on the child and setting. I’m surprised at those questioning why op is interested in emulating a private setting; I would have thought the increase in life chances is obvious. I don’t think my son will be going to private school but I am not naive to the competition he would face in certain settings from those that have been through private education. X

You can totally tell who's been to private school. At uni all tje private school kids gravitated towards each other from the get go.. It was like a there was a silent code that non private kids couldn't read... They all knew someone or a cousin who went to each others schools etc.. Standard conversation questions.. Where did you go to school? Where do you ski? My bog standard comp was unheard of & I never skiied...

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/02/2023 00:00

Ilovewhippets · 09/02/2023 22:06

Personally, one of the reasons we chose not to send dd to a private school was because of the cohort. She went to a very middle class primary school and learned to be so much more open-minded and less judgemental as a result of going to a secondary school with a more diverse socio-economic background

MrsBennet you say in this post that all children who go to a state school are more open minded and less judgemental than privately educated children.

My dd has had a similar experience at her state secondary. I don't know where you'd get the idea that they necessarily feel impersonal. That hasn't been my experience at all.

Then you take up another poster for saying state schools are impersonal. Evidently it’s fine to generalise about private schools but not about state schools.

Actually, I don't particularly mind generalisations if they're broadly accurate. We have to be able to generalise to some extent in these conversations, while acknowledging that all schools are different and should ultimately be judged on their own merits and selected according to the needs of the individual child.

My issue with the statement about state schools being impersonal wasn't that it was a generalisation. I just didn't agree with it.

And fwiw, I haven't actually said that privately educated kids are necessarily less open-minded or more judgemental than state school kids, and I'm not arguing that to be the case. In the post that you quoted, I was talking specifically about my own dd's personal journey and the kind of broad social exposure that we wanted for her. The experience of being in a more socioeconomically diverse environment has been an important and valuable learning curve for her as an individual, but I'm not suggesting that privately educated kids don't also have opportunities to develop these qualities. What I have observed amongst privately educated kids is that they tend as a group to be less socially aware and less conscious of their own privilege, but of course there will be exceptions and again, there is no reason why an interested parent couldn't address this if they so chose.

Iceysuperslide · 10/02/2023 00:13

Many studies have been undertaken regarding educational outcomes.

Overall a Mothers educational attainment is one of the biggest influences regarding a child’s attainment. Ethnic group is also a big factor factor. Though there will always be outliers.

DH has the kind of background you would have like your dc to have @Explodingatomickittens wealthy, leading public school, ancestral home though not an aristo. I went to a dreadful comp but DH and I met working at the same Red Brick University.

I have no hang ups about being from an incredibly humble background. DH saw me talk at an open debate on campus about a very contentious staff issue. We knew each other a little but he was so impressed he decided I was the woman for him.

Though there was no money at all and I can remember hunger as a child my Mother was an incredibly intelligent woman who insisted we speak correctly. She alway told us we were as good as anyone else and actually better than any man and to always be financially independent.

ittakes2 · 10/02/2023 00:45

My daughter went to state nursery and primary and then grammar school and now private school...the least clubs / activities she has done has been at the private school. Often due to travel and therefore being more tired and a lot of private schools only have one after school bus so you have to pick up if she stayed for after school club. Her twin is at a grammar and I actually think a grammar with a couple of tutors is better than a private school now.

Tirednest · 10/02/2023 08:06

The experience of being in a more socioeconomically diverse environment has been an important and valuable learning curve for her as an individual

You make it sound like taking her to the zoo.