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Original poster

Is it possible to emulate private school education if you have motivated parents on a budget?!

177 replies

Explodingatomickittens · 09/02/2023 10:24

Can't afford private school, dd year 6 & ds year old 5... What extracurriculars do private schools provide? What are the main differences & how can we compansate?

OP posts:
theworldhas · 09/02/2023 15:49

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

For kids in the higher sets, disruption isn't generally an issue.

True, but the high achievers still have to interact and stay on good terms with “in/cool” group in their form group/other classes, which will often also have kids who are not motivated/disruptive. The school culture is different.

Tirednest · 09/02/2023 15:51

TheaBrandt · 09/02/2023 15:40

This is what I am worried about! The private school ones are worse! Dd offered to tidy up after the last party the mum said “oh don’t worry darling the staff will do that” ha! Not in our house sadly!

She was presumably happy to go and enjoy herself though?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 15:53

theworldhas · 09/02/2023 15:45

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

Look at our exPMs - often on the piss etc. Bottom line - it’s not so much what they do - it’s how they think and sell themselves (the networks help too of course). Boris Johnson has infamously been a lazy sod who likes a drink since he was a teenager. But at any of his parties he would have told you that despite not putting in the work etc he would rise to the top. It’s about aspirations and network more than anything. The bright state school pupil will work their ass off to a six figure salary, while their equivalent at a public school will sprinkle some bullshit over their more modest effort and find a way to a million.

Oh of course, I don't deny the sense of entitlement that many elite schools instill, nor do I deny the power of networks. Those factors still perpetuate a lot of the inequality in our society.

However, this thread was about the aspects of a private education that people might want to emulate. Personally, I would not want my dc to have that kind of sense of entitlement, and I would prefer for her to succeed on her own terms rather than off the back of who she knows. I guess I would prefer her to be the one working her arse off for a more modest salary that she actually deserves than to be the one sprinkling bullshit over her mediocrity iyswim. Which is why it comes back to values, as I said earlier. What kind of person are you seeking to raise?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

General education Primary education Private schooling
thisisasurvivor · 09/02/2023 15:53

DarkNurseries · 09/02/2023 11:11

OP, very little of what people find appealing about private education has much to do with education as such. It’s generally a farrago of poorly-thought-through class aspirationalism, a fear of contact with children you consider socially or behaviourally beneath your own, an ability to delegate some aspects of parenting to school, and an exposure to class-appropriate ‘nice friends’ and ‘genteel’ pursuits that you feel will advantage your average offspring. Oh, and a notion of ‘getting what you pay for’. It’s the appeal of the VIP lounges most people are debarred from. The idea it’s there, conferring its ‘advantage’ acts as a spur.

Clever children will do well anywhere.

X 1 million

Chasedbythechaser · 09/02/2023 15:54

For kids in the higher sets, disruption isn't generally an issue

And that is a perfect example of why fee paying schools are beneficial to average kids and the majority of kids are average!

SuperGinger · 09/02/2023 15:56

It's tough to beat a top private school but most private schools are probably average. Certainly I've visited some I can't believe people are hare-brained enough to pay for.

Encouraging your children to read widely, be curious and motivated by their own successes are probably most important things. You don't need a school for that.

Ihadenough22 · 09/02/2023 15:57

I think that if you want to give your child a good start in life you need to read to them. Let them see you reading and watching the news, documentaries and nature programs.
Chat them them about current affairs when they become aware of things. If your parents are educated and interested in things it a great start for a child.
I also be aware of your child's friends and get to know their parents. If your child is getting friendly with the bold kids get them away from them.
Also become aware of the local secondary schools and find out what they are like. Be ready to move areas to get them into a good secondary school.

I have a friend who sent her children to the local primary school. Her local secondary school is poor in a lot of areas. It has a poor principal, behaviour issues, poor postoral care and the exams results are not great.
My friend decided to send to her child to a school a few miles away and she heard back a bit of who does she think she is. To be honest some of the people near her are very small minded, are poorly educated and are jealous of what she has. The truth was that her and her husband met in their 20's and worked hard to get into their current position.

Her or or husband are driving their child to the new school but they know it worth it.
The school her child goes to has good academic results, good pastoral care, good resource help and offers a lot extra circular activities. It known for not letting kids away with bad behaviour.

Because of this it's a popular school that's hard to get into. It has parents who want their kids to do as well as possible and become decent adults.

Another things is get your child doing music or speach and drama exams. If they are sporty encourage this but only if they still work in school. Young lads think they will be professional football players but it so few that make it to that level.
Be willing to spend money on extra circular activities that will educate your child and give them confidence.

underneaththeash · 09/02/2023 16:00

fUNNYfACE36 · 09/02/2023 10:29

A grammar school

Believe me - it's nothing like an independent.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 16:00

theworldhas · 09/02/2023 15:49

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

For kids in the higher sets, disruption isn't generally an issue.

True, but the high achievers still have to interact and stay on good terms with “in/cool” group in their form group/other classes, which will often also have kids who are not motivated/disruptive. The school culture is different.

I agree, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. DD learnt to understand and interact with people who were very different from her and from her immediate friendship group. She also learned to be much less judgemental towards those different people as she matured and moved through the school. That is one of the things that I really valued about her going to a state comprehensive, which she didn't get in her very middle class primary school and which she wouldn't have got had we sent her to one of the private schools in our area. Her understanding of herself and other people, and her understanding of our society, has been enriched as a result of her exposure to people from a wide range of different backgrounds.

I appreciate that many people won't care about that side of things, and that's fair enough. I also appreciate that it can be harder for studious children with limited social skills to navigate their way through those different groups. Fortunately, dd has always been socially confident and capable of talking to anyone, so this didn't present a problem for her.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 16:03

Chasedbythechaser · 09/02/2023 15:54

For kids in the higher sets, disruption isn't generally an issue

And that is a perfect example of why fee paying schools are beneficial to average kids and the majority of kids are average!

Yes, I do agree that average kids are the ones most likely to benefit from what a typical private school can offer.

For a highly academic, confident and self motivated kid, the return on investment is infinitely more questionable.

MummyJ36 · 09/02/2023 16:05

Going to be honest here, I went to a private school and I’m totally convinced it didn’t give me anything a state school couldn’t. After my dad died in quite tragic circumstances my mum decided to send me to private school from year 6 onwards with some of the insurance money. I know she thought she was giving me the best start possible in honour of my dad but the school I went to promised a lot but ultimately wasn’t all that.

Most of my friends went to state school. Their parents generally held down decent jobs and instilled a good worth ethic in them. None of them rebelled. They all went to uni and found their way. My private school friends (bar one) pissed around at uni, repeated years, got handouts from their parents until they were way into their late 20s and generally didn’t value things in quite the same way as my state school friends did.

Id say involved parents and the opportunity to experience life in different ways from an extra curricular perspective is way more important and valuable than private education.

Littlewhitecat · 09/02/2023 16:10

I went to private school, my DH didn't ( grotty inner city state school for him). We are both educated to post grad level and both have good well paid jobs we enjoy. What did private school do for me that his school didn't do for him? Confidence - (which TBH could come across as arrogance if there is too much of it). I haven't ever felt like there is anywhere I couldn't go or be welcomed. It's taken my DH years to feel like that. Our kids go to grammar school and their education is very like what I received. Plus as parents we have provided access to the arts, a house full of books, sports lessons, music lessons, lots of travel etc etc. Private school isn't all it's cracked up to be - I personally think my parents wasted their money. I'm academic and outgoing so I would have done well anywhere. Oh I do write with a fountain pen as a result of my ridiculous education which I suppose I wouldn't have done if I went to state school 🤣 but I think you could probably teach your kids that for free

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 16:12

Littlewhitecat · 09/02/2023 16:10

I went to private school, my DH didn't ( grotty inner city state school for him). We are both educated to post grad level and both have good well paid jobs we enjoy. What did private school do for me that his school didn't do for him? Confidence - (which TBH could come across as arrogance if there is too much of it). I haven't ever felt like there is anywhere I couldn't go or be welcomed. It's taken my DH years to feel like that. Our kids go to grammar school and their education is very like what I received. Plus as parents we have provided access to the arts, a house full of books, sports lessons, music lessons, lots of travel etc etc. Private school isn't all it's cracked up to be - I personally think my parents wasted their money. I'm academic and outgoing so I would have done well anywhere. Oh I do write with a fountain pen as a result of my ridiculous education which I suppose I wouldn't have done if I went to state school 🤣 but I think you could probably teach your kids that for free

My state primary school insisted on us writing with fountain pens! I confess that I haven't ever used one since leaving!Grin

Choconut · 09/02/2023 16:12

Move close to a really good state secondary I think is key (or a good grammar in those areas). At primary age though I'd get them doing swimming lessons (could be life saving) and learning an instrument (this helps them in so many ways). Those are the two biggies to me. Listen to them read every day - teachers just don't have the time for this - and encourage them in any homework they get. Show interest in what they are doing and talk about it (and everything and anything) with them.

ExistenceOptional · 09/02/2023 16:13

My kids learned to write with a fountain pen in their ordinary state school. It was said to be easier to use than biros so a better way to learn good handwriting. No idea if it is true.

Littlewhitecat · 09/02/2023 16:16

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/02/2023 16:12

My state primary school insisted on us writing with fountain pens! I confess that I haven't ever used one since leaving!Grin

Show quote history

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves well I never. My poor parents. All that money wasted so I could write with a fountain pen 🤣

chopc · 09/02/2023 16:16

You can't emulate private school education - a good one that is. It's built on 100's of years of traditions in some schools. It's about the teachers being at the top of their particular subject eg some art teachers have their own exhibitions. Some music teachers still perform outside school. Plus it's about your peer group who are important when it comes to teenagers. It's about aspiration - being in that environment means you will aspire to do well in life.

However the very fact you are asking this question means your kids will do well. The key to a child's success are motivated parents. Seek opportunities, expose them to a wide variety of activities and the world. Mix with people whom they can get inspiration from ...... most kids like to emulate what they know.

Tirednest · 09/02/2023 16:18

I think what you buy into is the ethos and the feeling of the school. If it's a well run school, then the feeling of being part of something special can't really be replicated. Doing extra clubs etc isn't really likely to create the feeling of pride and belonging you can get from a really good school.

And before you start, I'm sure it's perfectly possible to have that feeling of pride in your state school. We had one choice of state school and I can't imagine anyone feels any pride about going there.

Chasedbythechaser · 09/02/2023 16:19

I'm academic and outgoing so I would have done well anywhere.

My DH went to private school and what he took from it is the confidence to believe he could have done well anywhere. He has said many times though that he was taught to question and think for himself. I went to a state school and I was taught to accept what the teachers said and any questioning was seen as cheekiness.

Fir that reason he thinks state school is fine because he has never experienced anything other than very hood schools. And for that same reason I’m veering towards private school.

Oh I do write with a fountain pen as a result of my ridiculous education which I suppose I wouldn't have done if I went to state school

Though we did learn to write with fountain pins in state school in the 1980s.

Tirednest · 09/02/2023 16:20

Yes I went to state school and learnt to write in italics with a fountain pen!

ExistenceOptional · 09/02/2023 16:23

chopc · 09/02/2023 16:16

You can't emulate private school education - a good one that is. It's built on 100's of years of traditions in some schools. It's about the teachers being at the top of their particular subject eg some art teachers have their own exhibitions. Some music teachers still perform outside school. Plus it's about your peer group who are important when it comes to teenagers. It's about aspiration - being in that environment means you will aspire to do well in life.

However the very fact you are asking this question means your kids will do well. The key to a child's success are motivated parents. Seek opportunities, expose them to a wide variety of activities and the world. Mix with people whom they can get inspiration from ...... most kids like to emulate what they know.

I went to a state school in a very poor area. We had art teachers who exhibited, sports teachers who had won Olympic medals, and music teachers who still performed, including one who had been a musician in a band that was a big one hit wonder. We also had visits from top children authors and poets.

chopc · 09/02/2023 16:23

@Chasedbythechaser second your DH. It took a long time for me to understand where DH was coming from as I went to a grammar school, went to a better Uni than him and have achieved what I want to. However he feels if I went to a private school, I would have aspired to achieve more.

In addition he also has this unshakable that he is as good as anyone else and there is nothing he can't do. Took me many years to get there but I think being married to him rubbed off on me

For this reason education was a top priority for us and for me that means a good private school

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 09/02/2023 16:23

It may be as simple as…

  1. getting in the mailing lists of every museum and library around you,

  2. Don’t let screens do the babysitting until they are 8. Talk to them all the time about everything, the main difference between state and privately educated kids I see is that the private school kids are, in general, more articulate.

  3. No mobile phone until they start secondary school.

  4. Do homework with them, everyday. That way you will now what are their strengths and when it is a good time to get them extra tutorials.

  5. Get them into team sports, this teach them how to build relationships and work well with other people, even if they do not like them.

Ilovewhippets · 09/02/2023 16:24

I don't think it's about being nicer.

Of course it’s not but GerbilsForever is enjoying pointing out her superior values, and the moral superiority of her children because they go to state school.

fizzandchips · 09/02/2023 16:24

You asked - so these would be my ideas - because it’s often about the people they meet and the doors that are opened for them, rather than the actual education (I’m not saying this is right).
Join local hockey, rugby, cricket clubs or family membership to a David Lloyd.
include swimming lessons.
Theatre or Lambda or art/pottery or instrument lessons.
Visit art galleries, museums and participate in local actives such as art trails, church fetes - where there are competitions for making things.
Tennis lessons and or sailing or golf.
Skiing holidays and Cornwall or Norfolk beach holidays, with surfing lessons.
Duke of Edinburgh award.