Would you let your 9 yo take an iPad to Grandparents when you're there for lunch?

[AFewScrewsLucy]

You're going over with your partner and 9 yo for around 2 hours at lunchtime Sunday roast at Nanny and Gramps.
Would you let your child bring their iPad with them, and let them use it in the 2hrs they were there? If so for how long?
I ask because my BIL and SIL allowed this: nephew came in, said hello, sat on sofa on iPad, took it to lunch table, ate a bit of food,and was on the floor by table on the tablet until pudding. Then ate pudding, then returned to iPad until home time.
I was absolutely gobsmacked they even brought the iPAD, let alone allowed him in it all the time. Byit am I missing something?

Nephew has no SN

What child wants to go to school? What child wants to clean their teeth? What child wants to do anything bar play and eat rubbish? If you you cushion every little thing with an iPad or ‘incentive’ and teach them that life is never boring, you’re failing them. In isolation it probably isn’t a huge deal but it’s also very rude and usually part of a wider picture of lazy/submissive parenting.

I wouldn’t no, I get a bit twitchy about tech as screen time was so heavily restricted when I was a kid.

DS7 likely ADHD and possible ASD, I pack things for him to do like Lego, football cards. My DPs have toys at the house and a dog so DC play with what’s available and sit at the table for food. They have the TV on if we’re there hours though.

Saying that I’ve gone with DH and two DC (7 and 3) to his grandparents who are late 80’s and have nothing to do in their small house and feel very on edge because of DC jumping about and being hyperactive, I don’t know them well and we don’t visit that often so I feel like I’m half trying to hold small talk with them and half trying to control DC. An iPad probably would be useful in that situation!

I don’t think you need to judge though OP. My niece and nephew are NT as far as I know and BIL and SIL take phones etc out to restaurants, but that’s up to them. We’ve never done it so my DC don’t expect it, but I have to take stuff to entertain them and by the time food arrives I’m usually on edge trying to keep them quiet and behaving well. My BIL and SIL probably have the right idea as they get to enjoy the food they’re paying to eat at the restaurant!

You also really don’t know about SN unless you are the parent. I don’t think anyone would believe my DS has SN and as he doesn’t have a diagnosis yet we haven’t told anyone.

All a matter of perspective, isn't it? From where I'm sitting, it is pretty lazy parenting to do things that suit the adults without considering the needs and feelings of the dc.

What ‘need’ does a child have to sit on an iPad rather than socialise with family for a couple of hours? It all sounds like excuses to me. Do they have a ‘need’ for sweets as well? And to stay at home if they don’t fancy school? Children don’t get to decide the ins and outs of their every day, they’re not small adults. Hence why they need parents.

I don’t need to take a tablet as I have my phone.

Do you sit there playing on it when your family are trying to talk to you?

Must children be permanently entertained?

Can’t they sit and listen politely? Talk to their grandparents about school, hobbies etc? Sit and eat a meal with good manners?

it’s very rude to visit someone and then ignore them whilst you stare at a screen.

You think it’s lazy parenting to expect children to converse with their grandparents and other relations, and to use good table manners?

but not lazy to park them in front of a screen

In a house they don't have screens at the table, that's conversation time. If out and there's a lot of waiting then screens are allowed if no other children are present.

DS1 is autistic and I've spent far too many gatherings escorting him out, sitting in cars, missing dessert or going for walks. Screen time is the lesser of a lot of evils. Both my children are dyslexic and quickly get headaches from visual stress, so reading is not a practical option. Both children also hate colouring because it's painful with their poor muscle tone.
Their interests such as nerf guns, War Hammer and Lego don't travel well for family gatherings, so screens it is if it's not a set up that allows them to be children without disaproval, and I'd rather face scorn for screens than sibling squabbling.

I've learnt the hard way never to sit between DH and his brothers at a lingering meal, or you'll get stuck under a tedious technical booming conversation for hours that will block any other opportunity for conversation. Plus those family gatherings tend to be dry with only water to lubricate the situation. I've pulled out the colouring to maintain my will to live by dessert before now. Fortunately there tends to be other cousins there which helps my two.

I've found that by their 80s, older relatives have very little energy and patience to show interest in children.

No.

100% no, absolutely not.

Not really comparable then is it?

Where did I say that she plays on her iPad when people are trying to talk to her?

"Park then in front of a screen" is a weighted and judgemental phrase.

Astonishingly, there is a middle ground where dc can keep themselves busy with tech, also having good table manners and a positive relationship with family.

Fair point 🤔

Assuming no backstory about SEN or whatever, no.

I used devices to keep my kids quiet in restaurants when they were very little, but gradually tapered this off from about 3.5 or so. By 6, no way. They can look at a book or occupy themselves with toys for a bit in that situation.

If the family is going to be doing activities (like going out somewhere), no need for anything to occupy the kid. I'd tell a 9yo to bring a book or similar activity, if it's going to be a long boring afternoon. They don't need endless screentime.

Grandparents houses can be boring - I wouldn’t let my children take the iPad to the table while eating, and I wouldn’t let them leave the table early to return to the screen either. But for the period before and after food? Yeah sure, it’s not harming anyone.

GPs are very interesting and love the GKs, my DS and his other cousins are fine at their house and look forward to going. Nephew used to love it too, bur the he got an iPad for his birthday in October and ever since, it's been like this. Just sat on sofa absorbed. I gave him a "pass" on his birthday, as it was a new toy and understandable to a degree. But before the appearance of the iPad he would happily chat, play, help with dinner, clearing, make placemats, tell terribe jokes, show GPs his latest interest etc seems such a shame. It's obviously made an impression in the ILs as they mentioned it to us and wondered what our thoughts were.
I guess though, I am a stick in the mud, as loads of people think it's absolutely fine for a 9yo to go to someone's house, eat their food and ignore everything and everyone for 2 hours at someone's house in favour of a screen. 🤷‍♀️ I wonder what age the "it's ok" brigade think the children should learn social skills and when they can't just zone out and be absorbed in solo activities at other people's houses.

I think it accurately aligns with what the OP has described.

and that’s the situation we’re discussing.

her nephew spent the vast majority of his visit on a screen and did not show good table manners or positive social interactions.

I’m not sure why you’re inventing a hypothetical situation to support your opinion.

The problem is children don't learn how to socialise. This sort of thing was allowed to happen with my niece, now 6. My sister has clamped down on it and won't allow it with my nephew, aged 2. I won't be allowing it with my baby when she's older either.

Exactly. I watched a family at the next table in a restaurant . There were four kids. The older three and the father ( no mother), spent the entire meal staring at their screens . The younger child who didn’t have one, just sat there looking absolutely miserable. No wonder there’s a huge mental health crisis in this country.

Yep. Parents wheeling out all kind of ‘justifications’ and talking about ‘balance’ like 2 hours without screens is some kind of violation of a child’s human rights. Then everyone seems genuinely baffled about why their child has no attention span, or ‘social anxiety’, or ‘finds it hard to make friends’. It’s all part and parcel of the same thing to me - screens, kids never allowed to be ‘bored’, and parents who treat their every last negative emotion like it needs a
diagnosis rather than a routine or lifestyle overhaul.

In fairness, sounds like some people's family are fucking boring. Talking about involved politics and health conditions in front of kids at a casual family Sunday lunch!

We used to visit the grandparents who would talk throughout the meal , telling anecdotes and talking about themselves. They rarely engaged with my children. My children sat politely and ate with good manners. There were no screens in those days. They had toys or books when older. Screens should not be used in place of social interaction even if it is ‘boring’.