When people disappear

[JoonT]

Have you ever known someone who just disappeared? I was talking to someone today whose father recently died. He has been trying to contact his dad's brother, who vanished about 30 years ago, leaving no trace. They've put appeals out on social media, but no luck. The journalist AA Gill's brother also disappeared like this and was never seen again.

It made me think of a neighbor I had years ago. When I first moved in with my ex, I got to know a woman who lived opposite. Her husband was ten years older than her and a bit of a bully/control freak. We saw each other almost every day for years and became quite close, then she vanished. She'd told me that she was saving money and planned to leave him one day, but it still came as a shock. I never saw or heard of her again.

A distant cousin just left one day. He had a difficult childhood & an abusive father but we didn't realise that at the time. He was angry with his mother for staying with this man. Hard to blame him.

Walked out of his job, rental accommodation etc. and just left. Phone disconnected, social media cleared etc. Early 20s at the time.

He has 6 siblings. Every Christmas he sends one sibling the exact same message, happy Christmas, hope your kids are doing well. He doesn't respond to any calls or any messages. This poor sibling texts him to say she misses him, would love to hear from him, let's him know when people have new babies, are ill or pass away etc. and just nothing. Never responds to any other numbers.

They think he's in Australia. I understand his reasons for leaving and think he had a lot of struggles an issues to deal with. Strangely enough, his other siblings are very angry with him but his sister that gets the message is distraught, misses him hugely and desperately wants to know he's ok.

It's a very sad situation. To know that he's ok and doing well would mean such much.

@shiningcuckoo did the police not put 2 and 2 together at the time and send divers to search the water?

@Daydre4mer no I haven't, I will give it a go. I live very near the mum and the location G was last seen, you can almost feel the despair coming from the mum withing the town, the posters, the vigils, the banners over the dual carriageways. I hope that one day they do find out what happened, and soon so her poor mum can rest.

@WhatWouldHopperDo waves to fellow beach dweller. Yes heard that rumour too. So much speculation, and a feeling that the police just didn't do enough. It was also 10 days until she was reported missing, which would have hindered the search massively.

We have a local case here where a 16 year old lad went missing 25 years ago. He was on a night out and the last sighting of him is on CCTV eating a bag of chips as he walked through the high street. Nothing on any other CCTV cameras in the area. There’s been various investigations over the years, and about 10 years ago a group of men were arrested, but nothing came of it and nothing has ever come to light. His Mum is devastated.

I have a friend who has gone ‘missing’ - her partner was very violent and abusive and her friends and family helped her leave him and she moved to the other end of the country. She changed her number, email, left her job, etc. He came home from work one day and she had gone. I’m still in touch with her and she’s fine, doing well and happy.

There's an interesting channel on YouTube Tube, Adventures with Purpose. They are a team of diving volunteers in America who look at missing person cold cases where the person and their vehicle have both gone missing. They help the families and search bodies of water using sonar, they have successfully found a decent number of missing, gone without a trace, people submerged in waters, sometimes for up to 30+ years. It's very interesting.... and sad.

Well obviously not considering he was found seven years later. Or they did and missed him.

I'd love to watch that. What's the name of it?

An uncle, 47 years ago, left 4 kids. Two of his children died young, no idea if he ever knew. My Nan always longed to know what happened to him, my DF too.

The story is his ex was a nasty piece of work and it was better for him to get away, she would call the police to say he hadn’t paid child maintenance even though he had, in those days the police would get involved. I remember a story of my Nan taking hampers round to the children for Christmas and the ex throwing everything at my Nan (this was before he disappeared). There was a lot of hate directed towards our family, she was convinced we were hiding him.

We have no idea what happened to him, my DF and his siblings went looking back in the 70/80s but had no luck. We suspect he died as his phone calls and letters to my Nan suddenly stopped after a year, men in my DFs family have a low life expectancy, most died in their 50s, some a lot younger.

I’ve just realised my family on both sides for more than one generation has disappearing artists of both genders. Some for decades.

I do feel the wanderlust in my soul, and have upped and left areas for somewhere new/abroad. But social media has helped maintain contact.

DH says my family is weird, we contact each other a handful of times a year but on the flip side we’d be there if needed. When my dad goes travelling I wouldn’t know which country he is in. I get it, because he never knew which country I was in either when I was younger. I’ve got it out of my system.

i am not going to up and leave my kids or DH but I wouldn’t be surprised if one of them will decide to go travelling and I won’t hear from them for months/years.

This poor guy went missing locally in December. Extensive searches, police have done everything. No sign at all. It’s really so sad.

Are you thinking of Claudia Lawrence? If so, It was generally thought she’d been murdered but Police haven’t found a body or suspect as yet.

I guess it's a bit harder to go missing for any length of time now, and police certainly seem to be more on it if there is a question over the relationship.
I planned to disappear when I was 17. I changed my mind but I reckon (or certainly did as the time) that I could do it. That was early 80s though.

@LakeTiticaca

i.stuff.co.nz/national/91241594/how-was-leo-lippneighbours-found-after-seven-years-missing

It seems that the car was in an unusual place. His parents searched for him for years. Terribly sad.

wellington.scoop.co.nz/?p=20907#more-20907

@determinedtomakethiswork, I couldn’t remember the name but a pp has reminded me - here’s the link:

Yes, I've listed to it. Am working my way through the other episodes, it's a hard listen.

@userxx they are really well put together podcasts though. Definitely not ‘glamourising’ the situations. And it’s good to hear things straight from the families and friends.

Andrew Gosden is the one that always sticks with me. Almost definitely foul play. Poor family of his.

Not sure who you are thinking of, it was way back in the 90s when he reappeared, the footballer was a recognisable name at the time, but not a mega name, they stayed somewhere outside birmingham - cant remember where, we never really kept in touch (really only saw each other at weddings and funerals).

My then 9 year old dds best friend and her mum vanished one day out of the blue . We moved into a new house when I left my exh and dd immediately struck up a friendship with the girl a few doors away . One day dd called round to be met with the dad saying “ she’s not here , don’t come back “ both mum and daughter seemed to have vanished . A few days later police were at the house and the dad was arrested . He never returned to the house and it eventually went on the market .
my friend was a local police officer and said she couldn’t tell me anything for obvious reasons but a few weeks later she told dd that the girl and her mum had fled domestic abuse .. we never saw or heard from them again and dd cried for a long time about it . I always hope that my friend was being honest and not covering up a far worse scenario .

My eldest brother has been unfindable rather than missing since 1992. He emigrated to Australia in 1963 as a £10 Pom, up to 1992 my mother had been out to see him a couple of times but he came home for a visit in 1992. Mick is 18 yrs older than me. He sent my mum two postcards just after he got back to Oz saying he was moving. We tried to track him down through Salvation Army, Electoral Rolls and Police contacts in the Australian Police to no avail. There was no family fall out, and I have always thought that he felt it was too long to then walk back into our lives. I suspect he is now dead but it would be nice to know for sure.

For people with mh issues, it's the same suffering that leads people to suicide (do you think suicide is selfish?) Someone from a loving family who disappears has to be suffering unimaginable pain and feeling unimaginably desperate to disappear. Just because the only suffering you see is that of those left behind doesn't mean the person who leaves is undeserving of compassion or that their pain is less than those left grieving.

Possibly outing at least somewhat but a friend of mine vanished about 10 years ago.

I met him working on ships and we were part of a large group of friends. He kept coming back to the same ship while eventually most other people either left ships or moved to other ones. He finished one contract and was due back in the UK for his vacation but he never came. No one has seen or heard from him since.

A couple of years ago, I watched a YouTube documentary made by a man whose close friend died suddenly from a heart attack. In trying to contact his family to let them know, he discovered his friend was not the person he told him he was and was using a false identity. Through some detective work, he finds the missing person poster and gets in touch with the man’s family who didn’t know what had happened to him. It was fascinating and moving.

Was that 'Looking for Mike'? Well worth a watch.

Excellent. I saw it too. Very good.

My friend disappeared about 6 years ago. It was at university and he was from South America on a full scholarship. He wasn't well off and his family didn't speak English so there was almost no media coverage. He took a taxi to a park, I expect to meet a date, and was never seen again. I expect foul play

Really well put together. I'll be honest, I hadn't heard of most of the people but I'm learning who they are and that can only be a good thing, the more people who know, the more chance of them hopefully being found.

My Ex's brother disappeared for years!

His mum tried everything, police, checked prisons, put electronic messages up at Highbury for the Arsenal games, he just disappeared!

But she put an appeal on the ITV local news and someone who worked with him saw it & he got back in touch!

He said his marriage had broken down, he went to work in Germany for a while and the longer he left getting back in touch with anyone the harder it became & he just couldn't pick up the phone!

Everyone was overjoyed to see him again!