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Original poster

Should I lend my DH £13,000

429 replies

ladywithnomanors · 27/01/2023 20:27

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 28/01/2023 07:47

Believeitornot · 28/01/2023 06:32

Actually thinking about the child benefit tax. When we used to claim CB and then did a year end tax return, we weren’t required to pay it back in one lump. They adjusted my tax code and took it back every month via PAYE.

Also he could get an interest free loan for the bike if his employer do a cycle to work scheme.

So I’m even more suspicious if the Child Benefit thing hasn’t changed. Have you seen the tax return?

@ladywithnomanors i agree when we receive it it was easy to ask for it to come out each month he doesn’t have to pay it off

and I assume you have 4 children at that smount

please get legal advice as to your options he is horrible

NickyNackyNoodles · 28/01/2023 08:56

Well he’s financially abusive so no I’d be leaving him. You surely must know that a SAHM should have equal access to money?

NickyNackyNoodles · 28/01/2023 08:57

I think there’s a very good reason why your mum told you not to let him get his hands on your money.

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General money
DOBARDAN · 28/01/2023 09:23

I agree with the poster above, there’s a very good reason why your mum told you not to let him get his hands on your money. As you say yourself, your mum and DH didn’t get along very well. Apart from anything else, if you were to give him the money, it would be a fantastic ‘one up’ for him against your mum.

OhamIreally · 28/01/2023 10:25

From even before that money hit your account your "D"H has been plotting how to deprive you of it.

He thinks that money should be his, not yours and these are just the first gambits to ensure the money is transferred from you to him.

The tax money - he wants that child benefit back. He doesn't see why he should pay for you to receive it. He will not pay it back. He will say "but you have already had the money!" He will be incredulous that you expect him to refund something you have already had.

The bike money- double plus for him: a fun toy and also something that is clearly his personal property rather than an asset of the marriage. There will be "reasons" he won't pay you back. "I pay a bigger share of the bills"; "take it out of your share of the holiday I'm paying for".

And so it will go on as PP have said until he has relieved you of every penny.

You have children- how would you feel if your daughter were to be treated this way?

Your mum would be delighted I am sure if you used this once in a lifetime opportunity to get away and create a good life for yourself and your children.

A "thief" indeed!

bbqchickenandsalad · 28/01/2023 10:38

Well he's a financially abusive bastard and I would use the money to get the hell away from him. Your mum would likely be thrilled to be funding your freedom.

vinoandbrie · 28/01/2023 10:40

Tax , yes, with repayment in full next month.

Bike, no. Just no.

bumbledeedum · 28/01/2023 10:42

OhamIreally · 28/01/2023 10:25

From even before that money hit your account your "D"H has been plotting how to deprive you of it.

He thinks that money should be his, not yours and these are just the first gambits to ensure the money is transferred from you to him.

The tax money - he wants that child benefit back. He doesn't see why he should pay for you to receive it. He will not pay it back. He will say "but you have already had the money!" He will be incredulous that you expect him to refund something you have already had.

The bike money- double plus for him: a fun toy and also something that is clearly his personal property rather than an asset of the marriage. There will be "reasons" he won't pay you back. "I pay a bigger share of the bills"; "take it out of your share of the holiday I'm paying for".

And so it will go on as PP have said until he has relieved you of every penny.

You have children- how would you feel if your daughter were to be treated this way?

Your mum would be delighted I am sure if you used this once in a lifetime opportunity to get away and create a good life for yourself and your children.

A "thief" indeed!

This is exactly what I was thinking, especially about the attitude around child benefit.

Sorry you seem to be so accustomed to this absolute shit you now think it's acceptable OP. I hope you manage to find it in you to leave and make a better life for you and your children.

LynetteScavo · 28/01/2023 11:27

If it was my husband I'd either buy him the bike or not buy him the bike.I would except the same from my DH, we're married, I'm not going to pay him back for something.

I wouldn't buy him the bike.

Bambooshoot · 28/01/2023 11:41

Can you just clarify how he has a tax bill that involved your child benefit? That sounds very unlikely. Also, unless he has a large number of shares and investments, all his tax will be PAYE deducted at source, so paid by his employer before he gets the rest, and nothing at all that you could pay for. A normal guy would be understanding that this was a legacy from your mother and would understand the bond, that this was meant to take care of you - not free cash for him to piss up the wall on bikes or anything else.

Tinkerbyebye · 28/01/2023 11:47

Bearing in mind his attitude whilst you were looking after the kids, and the fact the house is in his name only(albeit it will be a marital asset) I would lend him the money for the tax bill, but no way the bike

he earns enough he can save up, other the loan

pigsinoodies · 28/01/2023 12:07

@Bambooshoot If you earn over £50k and you/your partner claim Child Benefit you have to pay extra tax.

If you earn over 60k then the extra tax that's due is the same amount as the CB claim.

In this particular case the CB/tax amount is over £3,000 and so won't normally be collected through PAYE.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 28/01/2023 12:25

Princessglittery · 28/01/2023 06:51

@ladywithnomanors Im going to ask the obvious question, you call him DH and say you have been together for 19 years but are you actually married or do you just call him DH?

We are married.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 28/01/2023 12:33

QueueEtwo · 28/01/2023 00:43

No way would I lend him anything!
How can he not have the money for his tax when he is earning £80,000.

'Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.'

He expected you to pay those bills from a minimum wage job, to the point you built up credit card debt!

Honestly I'd be using that 3 grand to get some legal advice & think about divorcing him!

I have always paid those bills even when I was a Sahm out of child benefit and tax credits. He hasn't always had a good wage and there was a time we got a small amount in tax credits though that gradually decreased as he earnt more money obviously.

OP posts:
ASCADHDBAME · 28/01/2023 12:37

Initial thoughts. Fuck that. Nope.
How was he while you were not working ? How well did he treat you and how generous was he?

ASCADHDBAME · 28/01/2023 12:37

Also was your mum a reasonable person with good judgement? I'd pay heed if so

Zombiemama84 · 28/01/2023 12:40

He bitched at you for taking from a copper jar for bus far but wants you to lend him £11k? It’s a no from me, if it was the other way round would he lend you £8.5k for a bike? When you’re not even allowed a couple of quid for the bus? I doubt it. Relationships are give and take, should work both ways.

Liorae · 28/01/2023 13:55

When you made the decision to give up work, what was the agreement regarding finances? Did he renage on an agreement?

Wilkolampshade · 28/01/2023 14:06

OP he sounds financially abusive and controlling. You sound beaten down. Your mum had the measure of him I think.
Yes to the child benefit but no to the bike.
It's absolutely NOT frittering it away to leave him and spend it on rent - it's an investment in yours and the childrens future, a happier future away from him.
Sorry for the loss of your mum. X

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 28/01/2023 14:08

Liorae · 28/01/2023 13:55

When you made the decision to give up work, what was the agreement regarding finances? Did he renage on an agreement?

We had no 'agreement'. I was naive and didn't think it through. I had a few hundred pounds in my account which i occasionally dipped into. We didn't live in the UK for the first couple of years so didn't receive child benefit either. When we moved back to the UK I got child benefit and tax credits initially.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 28/01/2023 14:13

He had you financially trapped with no access to money and he controlled everything.
I don't think he's desperate for a bike.
I think he wants to get your inheritance and get you back under his financial control.
I bet anything that when it came to paying you back, he'd find a good reason why he should hang onto it.

Liorae · 28/01/2023 14:14

ladywithnomanors · 28/01/2023 14:08

We had no 'agreement'. I was naive and didn't think it through. I had a few hundred pounds in my account which i occasionally dipped into. We didn't live in the UK for the first couple of years so didn't receive child benefit either. When we moved back to the UK I got child benefit and tax credits initially.

Show quote history

You gave up your job and had four children with no discussion about how finances would be handled?

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 28/01/2023 14:15

This is alien to me, a married couple with separate finances. So I can't advise one way or another.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 28/01/2023 14:28

Liorae · 28/01/2023 14:14

You gave up your job and had four children with no discussion about how finances would be handled?

Show quote history

We had one baby at the time and so taking a career break so I could look after her . I had no family to help with childcare and lived overseas. What was initially supposed to be a year at home turned into 8 years as our family grew. I know ive been stupid.

OP posts:
Pedallleur · 28/01/2023 14:39

Can get the bike on an interest free loan or credit card. If he earns that much the credit won't be an issue. Won't stop at the bike. Will be better wheels etc. I ride expensive bikes I see that all the time. All the advice on here 're his control should be enough. Last interest free card I got a few months ago offered me 7.5k over 24 months. If he can pay you he can pay the cc but he can't NOT pay the loan company. If he defaults on your loan what are you going to do?

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