Should I lend my DH £13,000

[ladywithnomanors]

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

• pay for her husband’s new toy

Money for the tax bill yes as I has to be paid, bike no as he can get that himself when he gets his bonus.
My question to him would also be if he earns £80,000 why an earth has he not got any savings of his own. X

I'm just waiting for the OP to say what a wonderful, kind and funny husband and father he is, in every way apart from this.

Does he have any positive characteristics op?

I was on the fence but after reading this its a big no from me. More importantly, I'd be looking into having my name put on the deeds. That could come and bite you on the arse big style and he could claim half your inheritance. Obviously only if you split up but just a good idea to be prepared.

Do you know what OP? I'd bet my last hairgrip that if you used the money to leave him, your mum wouldn't think you were frittering it away. Wherever she is now, she'd be whooping and hollering and turning cartwheels with delight.

I think separate finances in a marriage are weird. If you can’t trust him to pay you back, how can you trust him at all?

FWIW, if you buy the bike then buy it not expecting to get the money back. If you do, it’s a bonus.

Why does he need a 8.5k bike, is that like competition level bikes. I cycle as a 'hobby' just road biking though and the last road bike I got was £800 which is more than I usually buy, normally go for the entry level ones at £600. Anyway point is I woildnt go out and buy a 2k carbon fiber road bike cos its just uneccessary..I'm not doing any competitions etc.

I just couldn't imagine spending that much on a bike unless it was paying me back somehow in winning races and making money from them

Absolutely not! Not a penny!

Where's the rest of his money going? £80k p.a. should be more than enough to have put money away for his taxes and £8K for a luxury brand bike when you need things for the house is beyond ridiculous! - Big boys and their toys, eh?!

Hahaha, no, he can fuck right off wanting to spend your money after he's been as tight as a gnat's arse with you for years and doesn't treat his income as family money. Now he thinks he should get to spend your inheritance?

If he earns £80K he can buy his own bloody bike and pay his taxes.

Unfortunately whilst I totally disagree with him being tight to you whilst you were an SAHM -at the end of the day it is meant to be family money and it's not really fair to see his income all as family income paying all the big bills, holidays etc but your inheritance counts strictly as your own- ok you may never get a sum like that again but if you split as far as I'm aware that money goes into the assets pot too (correct me someone if I'm wrong) - so whilst I think it's a very stupid buy it might be fairer just to give it over as a gift.

if he couldn’t save to pay his tax bill how’s he going to save money for a bike repayment every month?

Did he know you were getting this money? It sounds as if he deliberately didn’t pay the tax bill and went looking for a new bike out of excitement some money was coming in.

Perhaps you need to use this situation as a way to sort your finances out once and for all.

Why should he get an £8.5K gift?! That's tons of money for a hobby. He doesn't need it. If he wants such an expensive gift for himself, he should save for it, not take OP's money.

It’s wasting the money your parents would have sacrificed for to save up. Respect them by putting the money to good use. A better future for yourself and the children perhaps.

As I post this the threads ahead of yours on the page are:

100k pension pot at 42

£150 for the months food shop, possible ?

How are poor people getting their clothes dry this winter?

Maybe DH should add "I only earn £80k pa and my SAHM wife won't lend me £9k for a bike. AIBU?"

And you stayed with him. Why?

He wanted separate finances, and was so tight with money he begrudged you pennies and now he wants you to pay his tax bill and buy him an £8500 present because he wants it.

If he is so tight with money then I don’t believe for one moment he doesn’t have enough for these things.
He is looking at YOUR money sitting in YOUR bank account and it is a burning a hole in HIS pocket

It is probably also pissing him off because you have money and he won’t be satisfied till it has gone and you are back in your place.

I think your mum would think it money well spent.

It's never 'frittering' money away spending it to improve your life. If someone got an inheritance and spent it on a degree/certification course to earn more would you consider it 'frittering'? No. If they spent it on life-improving surgery would you consider it 'frittering'? No. A deposit on a house? No. Getting out of a bad marriage is one of the best ways to improve one's life there is.

You can sit on the money and be miserable. Or you can spend a portion of it and be happy. Your decision. For me it would be a no brainer.

"My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on."
I agree with your mother.

OMFG

He wants all the child benefit money.

That is never coming back to you.

Why does he have a separate tax bill. Didn’t his tax code change to take account of the child benefit money payments.

He’s a cheeky bastard

you need carpets! I don’t even spend that sort of money on cars and we have plenty money.

Sort the house out first

It's the 9 grand pram thread all over again.

Your mother was a good judge of character.

Keep your inheritance intact. You might need it to live on in the future.

You know full well he wouldn't give you access to 8.5k for a bike. He left you struggling for bus fare.

NO, NO, NO
Lend him the money for the tax but not for the bike. Make sure he pays you back - I bet the fuck he does not..

This is outrageous! Hold onto your money and don't let him have a penny. Your mother was 100% right.

You are married and have been together 19 years, I don't understand how it makes any difference who's account money comes out of, if you divorced you'd split things down the middle anyway. Weird setup for a married couple, how can one earn 80k and you min wage, surely you just have a healthy joint income of 100k and plenty of savings? You sound like a poor person scrimping not someone with a 100k household income.