Should I lend my DH £13,000

[ladywithnomanors]

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️

Yes to lending money. No for a bike.

Your household income is over 60k so why are you trying to claim it anyway?

Because its a way of ensuring Op gets some money 💰 in her pocket from tightarse husband.

That's the reason why they allow it to be paid and taken of the partner. They trust women to look after their kids better than men.

ladywithnomanors this is more than lending money.
Are you happy in your relationship?
sounds like you are in a hard place and have been through a lot in the last few years.
ultimately it’s up to you. If you say no and there is any fall out you’ll have to deal with it.
It does sound like your DH is very controlling , pretty much every reply sees this. He seems very content and happy with the current status quo.
Do you want to carry on as you are or are you considering how to improve things with couples counselling?
You mention child benefit so guessing you have dependents.
it’s up to you whether or not you lend him the money. Either way use some of the money to get some sort of counselling for yourself. The most important part of all this is you

Whats the interest rate on the loan that he wants to take out?

If its interest free, then its better that he takes out the loan and is liable for prioritising that with other commitments if things get touch, as a loan from you is likely to be low priority.

Otherwise I'd offer him the loan at a slight premium of the interest rate that you are getting on your savings, to account for the added risk, and then he can decide which lender he wishes to borrow from.

If I was you I'd put that money in a pension and that's that. If he leaves you you'll lose that and will be alone on a low income and no pension.

How hands on is he at home and as a parent? If he gets this bike you’re never going to see him again. This will be his “hobby” (aka excuse to get out of doing his fair share.)

You will never get the money back, this is his way of getting it off you. He is financially abusive, and cannot stand that you now have something of your own. This is just the beginning of the ridiculous demands, he will have all of it off you over the next few years. Your mother knew what he was.

This.

Nah; don’t do this:

if you were sharing money as family money, then yeah.

but as you haven’t been then keep it all for yourself

Inheritance money isn’t considered ‘joint’ money unless you use it to pay for joint purchase - new kitchen - carpet etc then it can be defined as joint

At the moment it’s all yours.

No way would I pay for a bike.

Even in divorce the money is yours and half the house etc

Consider leaving and putting down a deposit on a property.

Hell no as, no one should be spending that on a bike!! That’s ridiculous and daft. But he sounds tight and horrible so it would be a definite hell no anyway. If the roles were reversed would he lend you that money for something unnecessary??

Where is the love?
Love isn't about watching who has taken coppers out of the jar or keeping score.
He sounds like a selfish, controlling arse to me.

I'd lend him money for tax but not bike. It does not sound like much of a marriage to me. If you divorced half house would be yours anyway so why only in his name. Maybe your Mum saw how mean he was to you through your marriage. Save money for your future.

No way would I lend him anything!
How can he not have the money for his tax when he is earning £80,000.

'Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.'

He expected you to pay those bills from a minimum wage job, to the point you built up credit card debt!

Honestly I'd be using that 3 grand to get some legal advice & think about divorcing him!

He earned / earns 80k an year and can't afford a tax bill?

🙄

Doesn't add up. Literally.

I agree with this. He kept you without access to money and now wants to borrow thousands for a bike? Not a chance. I’d be very clear with him - he kept you short of money in the past and you will never allow that to happen again. You are retaining control of every penny of your money.

I think this might be the best chance to bail out of this marriage you will ever have.

Fuck that. Your DH is a nasty, financially abusive twat and you shouldn’t give him a penny of your money. Let him work it out himself as he left you to work it out when you were not earning because you were caring for his children.

Honestly. Not a penny.

And LTB while you’re at it. This man has never been any kind of partner to you.

Yes indeed.

Use the money for a shit hot divorce lawyer instead.

There’s a reason so many of us are saying for you to get the hell out of Dodge.

He sounds like a right scrooge who has treated you appallingly. You gave up a well paid job and you had to resort to scrabbling for change and being called a thief. Your mother didn't dislike him for no reason and I would respect her dying words. No way would I make this matrimonial property - keep it separate at all costs. Surely being such a scrooge for years on a good salary he would have money put aside. So what if he had to get a loan. Anyway, what would he have done about the tax if you hadn't inherited this.

You are entitled to half the house anyway as you are married so that is not a priority. By the way are you joint tenants or tenants in common. If you are tenants in common he isn't obliged to leave his half to you.

Tuck that money away right away in a term deposit so you can't get it and most importantly he can't get it. Take this as free legal advice from a solicitor. This is a lump sum which shouldn't be frittered. Would he lend you the money for some hobby item costing £8,500 and spend years paying it back without interest? I think not. He is exactly the sort of man who would rip you off and he already has. Wake up -you have been a fool but don't compound the foolishness by letting him have any of this money or before you know it, it will be all gone. Your mother used the last of her strength to warn you and now you are about to do what she begged you not to do.

You're the kind of woman I want to shake. It's like those women who in a divorce take far less than they are entitled and spend years scraping along because they don't want to be seen as grabby, selfish etc. (Men almost never have this thought by the way.) It doesn't seem to register with women that their whole future financial future depends on a good settlement. You are on a minimum wage job while your husband brings home £80,000 and he was able to have that career because you gave up yours. He showed gratitude by calling you a thief when you used the small change. At that moment, didn't you want to cleave his head from his shoulders?

Does your husband take you out for a nice dinner on your birthday? Is your engagement ring something you would have picked? Does he spend money on you such as thoughtful presents, treats etc. What sort of pension arrangements have been put in place for you? Are you even the main beneficiary of his will?

No to his toy- he can buy his own expensive toys. And he has a high salary, why would it take him 2.5 years to pay his wife back?

Your pension might be better than his but it can't be great if you're in a low paid job. You should put the whole lot into a private pension fund.

You should also get the house put in joint names.

Please don't give him a penny. Your mother's comment would clinch it for me. My dm was always very careful with money and I felt duty-bound to spend my inheritance from her on things that she would have approved of and not things she would have seen as frivolous.

Mums are not daft OP, I realize this more as I get older and my mum does too.

She made you promise- imagine how you'd feel if he got the money she left you and then you split up?