Should I lend my DH £13,000

[ladywithnomanors]

My DH and I have been together for 19 years. I had a good professional job when we met and I gave up said job after having children. I was then a sahm for 8 years while DH worked full time. During this time DH completely held the household purse strings as he was the one earning money.
Fast forward a few years and I got a minimum wage type part time job. By this time DH was earning £80,000 a year.
We have always had separate finances. He has been responsible for the main bills and I have paid council tax, water and sky.
We are married but the house is in his name.

I had a bereavement and have been left £87,000. I used a small amount to pay off a couple of credit cards i had but have left the majority in a savings account.

As I have a low paying job this money is a huge amount to me and i dont think I'll have this kind of lump sum in my account again.
Now to the question. DH has asked me to lend him 3.5k to pay his tax bill with the intent that he will get a bonus next month and he can pay me back. I am happy to do this. But he has now asked me to lend him £8.5k for a new triathlon pushbike. To me this is money we could spend on the house, a fantastic holiday for our family etc.
I have no doubt that he will pay me back - hes not the type to rip me off but it doesnt sit right with me. I couldn't spend this kind of money on a bike when we need a carpet upstairs etc. If i dont lend it to him he is hinting he will get a loan.
What do you think?
My Mum told me on her death bed not to let him have my money . They never got on.
Sorry for long post.

Same here. Do people really “lend” money to their spouse?!

So he begrudged you a couple of quid to be able to get from A to B. Now he expects £8500 of your mum's money to be able to go where he wants in an additional style of his choosing?

Erm, how's about no?

Don’t lend him any money. Zero.

have you ever spoken to him about the financial arrangements and how this has been for you?

He can sense that the power dynamic has shifted a bit and will try and fritter away your money. Save it.

Do you keep your own wages? Can you work towards a better paid job?

He can. He just doesn't want to because it's the child benefit she got so he wants it back. I'd lay money that once her cash is 'family money' she won't see it back. And even if she does, when they divorce, because it was used, it's now joint. If she keeps it separate, it's hers (assuming English law).

Actually I'd buy it as a gift for my DH but I don't know your circumstances!

We know OP is on a low wage and the money he asked for for the bike isn't far off a tenth of the money her mum left her. That's a lot to have go straight away.

(I'm not commenting on the child benefit bit because I don't know enough about it.)

Absolutely not and I'd use the money to leave, and be able to afford divorce proceedings. He called you a thief for using money for bus fares. He's not 'allowed' you any access to 'his' money. Why the hell would you give him any access to 'your' money. He's an arse.

Tell him to get to fuck, however politely you would like to.
I might add that you are feeling generous and he is welcome to take from the penny jar and you won't say he is stealing.

WTF!? Don’t lend him a cent!!

No. He's a miserly prick

" Yes he was tight. We had a 'copper jar' which he would put his change into. If I dipped into it for bus fare then he said i was a thief "
Financial abuse.
Have my first Mumsnet LTB

No.fuck him, Let him take out the loan

The problem of op working f/t and contributing to the major purchases etc would mean she would then get equal rights in choosing which holiday they go on, what food to buy and like a lot of tight arsed financially abusive married people who have the marital home in solely their name He thinks that if she contributed towards the mortgage then he would lose 1/2 the house on divorce
He probably thinks like friends exh did that the house was his alone, it is in his name, he bought the house, he made every payment on the mortgage so he gets to keep it. The wife is not entitled to any of it on divorce.

Friends exh was apoplectic when he learned that he had to sign the marital home over to friend along with a bundle of cash

Whilst the inheritance might be considered to be marital assets, so will the house and any savings and investments he has. I would start to do some digging as to how much Dh has in his pension, savings, investments, ISAs etc Depending where you live 1/2 the house could end up being a good trade for 1/2 your inheritance.
Most likely because if children and financial abuse you could end up with 60 or 70% of everything

One thing to be wary about “lending” sums of money to your spouse as once the money leaves your bank account and is in your spouses bank account it becomes a marital asset and you will only see 50% of it back if you divorce.
If in fact £5000 is to pay a tax bill and the other £8500 is spent on a depreciating asset which could end up being valued at £5000 then out of your £13500 you will only see £2500 back and. You will have to give Dh his share of the remaining inheritance
I think given your husbands frugality and financial abuse I don’t think he is short of money.
I think he is trying to releave you of this money and seeing how far he can push it.

He started out by asking for £5000 because he wants back money you got paid to help care for your children.
He begrudges even his child getting money that has come from his pocket

Then a new bike for £8500.
Next will be a new car or some other depreciating assets until you are once again the poor wife scraping along with no savings and little income and back in your place where he thinks you belong

Don’t do it.
put it aside for 12 months and tell him to pretend it isn’t there, while you think about what you can do with it.
Options include paying down the mortgage, if your name goes on the deeds, a family holiday and money to pensions.
I would also put aside a sum for each DC.
Mine had/have $10000 from a similar situation.
DD1 has put hers into her mortgage, DD 2 is saving hers for a wedding.

This is awful.

no I wouldn’t loan him cash for a hobby. I would consider giving him a 1k gift towards the cost of a bike. 1k is more then enough to buy a good bike but I expect he wants one of those lavish business man middle aged crisis bikes.

Wow. What on earth does he spent his salary on?
You'd be a mug to let him anywhere near any of your money ever again. You either all bung it in one pot together (from when children are born usually) or keep it strictly separate.

Just wanted to mention a relative is married to someone like that.

She got a small inheritance. He blew it all. Same with every tax refund, the US pandemic bonus money. He took it all and spent it and she never saw a dime.
She goes without eye glasses, sometimes medicine, he trashed her car and refuses to fix it, so she has nothing to drive and is isolated, while he drives a brand new company car.

She also has some health issues. I suspect from the years of emotional and financial abuse.

I guess the bigger question is do you want to stay with your H the way things are?

I 2nd that your mum would be doing cartwheels if you got away from him and you would be entitled to half of everything. Also, a lot of women find their health improves immensely when they get rid of an abuser.

My exh - marital home also in his name only - was also disgusted / furious when he found out what our divorce would mean.

OP - my advice is to not lend your controlling and abusive husband any money, but to use some of your inheritance to fund divorce proceedings where you get half of all marital assets - half of everything that your h views as “his” only - and can then start a new and free life.

Your mother left you that money and she told you not to give your husband any of it. She realised what he was like.
He decided not to put your name on the family home. When you were a sahm he left you short of money. He has treated you badly for years and he is a tight arse. He has regarded the money he earned as his. Now you got an inheritance and he is already planning how to spend your money. Imagine thinking you pay his tax bill of apix £3,000 and then give him £8,500 to buy a bike. He said he will pay you back for this bike but this won't happen.

I would not give him a penny. I go looking for his financial information including any pensions, get copies of these and speak to a solicitor about a divorce and to find out what your entitled to. You been given the money to improve your life and you now have the chance to get away from him and his miserly ways.
If he asks for money just that's my money not yours and I won't be giving you money for that bike. Nor would I be paying for new carpets or home improvements when your name is not on the house deeds.

I go to a fee based financial advisor and get advice about what to do with this money. It will cost you some money but good financial advice now can help a lot. It's time for you to think of yourself now.

Actually thinking about the child benefit tax. When we used to claim CB and then did a year end tax return, we weren’t required to pay it back in one lump. They adjusted my tax code and took it back every month via PAYE.

Also he could get an interest free loan for the bike if his employer do a cycle to work scheme.

So I’m even more suspicious if the Child Benefit thing hasn’t changed. Have you seen the tax return?

@ladywithnomanors Im going to ask the obvious question, you call him DH and say you have been together for 19 years but are you actually married or do you just call him DH?

My gut feeling on this is that it suited him to have separate finances whilst he was the one with more money and all the power, but that now you've got money, he wants free access to it. He can't have it both ways. He sounds like he was financially abusive when you were a SAHP, and all that aside the bike is a luxury, not a necessity, especially at that price! I wouldn't do it, OP. To help cover the tax bill, perhaps, but not the bike. He's taking the mick. Are you happy in the marriage in general?

Your mum had his number, OP. I suspect she wanted to give you the option to leave. He sounds financially abusive. Why aren’t you on the deeds? Why does he call you a thief for taking your bus fare? He makes sure you have no access to money without his say so, and now you have an inheritance he wants that as well.

Don’t give him a penny. Put the money in an account he can’t access. I would be making plans to leave and instructing a solicitor. It’s not a waste of the money- I can’t think of a better way to spend it, you’ll have plenty over and should end up with a fair settlement from the divorce as well.

That exactly.

He's earning £80,000? And needs money? And only his name on the mortgage? He is actually taking the piss.

Keep your finances separate. Maybe your Mum knew best.

He'll keep borrowing bits until you have nothing left again!

Don't give him a penny of it!

•He earns £80,000
•His name only on the house
•He called you aTHEIF for taking change from a jar
•He's not a pro cyclist and wants an £8.5k bike
•He can't even save for his own tax bill

He is taking the piss OP and I'd be wondering what is actually going on with his finances.