Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

To suspect dsil want us to host boarding DN?

173 replies

AnonymousPoster01 · 26/01/2023 09:41

Ok maybe I'm super paranoid. My in laws are not super close and don't see or talk to dh very often.
Dsil And dbil live in Germany for work. They have 3 childten. The youngest two live with their bio dad also in Europe, but the eldest wasn't happy so went to live with their mum. After a year she decided this wasn't working so there was talk of boarding back in the UK. im wondering where dn will go for exeat? Whats happens when they get sick and get sent home? They have friends in UK and family apart from us. But unless they have had a chat with friends about this, I'm worried we will put down as an emergency contact. We have toddler twins and school age kids so 1) no room to host 2) can't drop things to pick up another child in emergency due to our own school runs.

Would you ask ( get dh to ask it's his family) what their emergency contact plans are? Or just leave it hoping it's being planned properly? Dsil is dhs only sibling.

Surely no Parent would do this? The reason I'm.worried is that she has said school is close to us. It's not. It's over an hour drive away

OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 26/01/2023 09:43

I don’t think they do get sent home sick, do they? What if their family are all in Japan?

Nimbostratus100 · 26/01/2023 09:45

would you want BIL to help host your children if the situation was reveresed?

PacificallyRequested · 26/01/2023 09:45

Yes you need to ask them. But you're coming across as pretty mean, saying you wouldn't even go and get her in an emergency.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
evemillbank · 26/01/2023 09:47

Boarding children will not get sent home if sick.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 26/01/2023 09:48

yanbu it sounds quite likely that you are their backup plan, so yes it's important to check that you aren't being named as an emergency contact without consultation or consent.

make sure DH is definitely in agreement on this or he may end up being pressured into agreeing.

there exist paid services to provide emergency and exeat care for children at boarding schools - eg google brightworld guardianships for just one example. your bil&sil can pay for what is needed without freeloading off you like a cf.

AlisonDonut · 26/01/2023 09:50

I'd assume it had all been planned properly and not get involved. Although I'd always pick up a niece or nephew in an emergency.

Passerillage · 26/01/2023 09:51

@SheWoreYellow Overseas boarders always have an appointed local guardian, whose house they go to for exeat weekends and when they're too sick to be in school (covid etc.). Sometimes, like if they're from China or Japan, and it's too far to go home for a week, they stay with their guardians for half term too.

@AnonymousPoster01 I don't think your husband's family could be putting you down as the guardian on the quiet - I'd have thought the guardian would be a rigorously documented person with the school, and that you'd have forms of your own to fill out, precisely to avoid this sort of situation. Is the boarding school in your city/town?

mindutopia · 26/01/2023 09:51

I went to a boarding school. No one was every sent away for any sort of emergency to live somewhere else (not illness or any other reason). Only possibly reason would have been a long-term (near permanent) exclusion or pregnancy, but that would have been for weeks/months, so they would have gone home. Out of term time, everyone flew home or went to stay with a friend's family if it was say, only a week or bank holiday weekend.

I think you are working yourself up over nothing. Normally all schools ask for like three emergency contacts anyway. So, of course, they would call both parents first, and then would work their way through the 3 contacts. At most, you might have to give telephone consent for medical treatment. I cannot see any scenario when you might need to abandon your children to rush off to them in person.

Ohhiho · 26/01/2023 09:54

I don’t think you come across very well here! I’m sure they won’t put you down if you’re not close. But why wouldn’t you want to help your niece if you could?! Wow.

(Also boarding school children don’t get sent home sick unless it’s something very serious, in which case they’d be sent back to their parents wherever they are.)

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 26/01/2023 09:55

We have been ‘guardians’ for nieces from abroad, for half terms and exeats from 6th form boarding school, but for us (retired) it was fine.

IMO it would be entirely reasonable for you to say no if asked - it could prove restrictive if e.g. you wanted or needed to go away for the weekend.

If they don’t have any such person willing or able, the usual thing is for them to have some (paid) official host locally, for such periods.
One niece had friends in that position, and several times asked whether she could bring them with her - also fine with us, they were no trouble.

NewFriday · 26/01/2023 09:56

I think the whole point of boarding school is that parents don't need to be "available". The school isn't going to be send children home in anything but the most extreme circumstances and then they'd make arrangements with the parents.

StrawberryMuffins · 26/01/2023 09:57

There's a world of difference between being emergency back up and being a "home from home" for exeats and half terms. Don't conflate them. You need to ask them.

There will be flex on pick up times. Don't hide behind toddler's gymnastics classes, ask them to be upfront about what they are asking and in return be upfront if it's just too much of a commitment. None of the "oh we would love to have her for half term, if only we could get childcare for the school run" - it won't wash.

caringcarer · 26/01/2023 09:58

My dd was a day girl at a boarding school. Over half term she often brough home a Chinese girl who she was friends with. One summer when DD was 15 she was invited to go to China with her friend all expenses paid for a month and she loved it there. They took her all over the place sightseeing.

Original poster
AnonymousPoster01 · 26/01/2023 09:58

I'd want a conversation about it. Looking at a school near us but not saying why? Hi sis, you know things are going well with ds. We looking at boarding. What do think of x school near you? Do you think you could be a emergency contact if we looked at this one?

That would be Ok. What I'm worried about is finding out after the fact. We had "hi looking at x school, thats near you right?" Said nope. End of conversation.
So say dn is there, then we get the call. I have asked where sil is looking. I got a non committal. But someone needs to be a contact in the UK surely?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/01/2023 09:59

Surely for anything not illness related, they need to fly either to Dad or Mom? How old are they?

StarsSand · 26/01/2023 10:01

I think you're getting worked up over nothing.

They haven't asked for your help. There's no indication that they will.

Stop thinking about it.

LesLavandes · 26/01/2023 10:01

Every overseas child at boarding school needs a 'guardian'. If the parents want you, you must give your permission for this.

They tend to go to their friends' homes at exeat as they get older.

LoraPiano · 26/01/2023 10:03

Wow you sound really mean. Let your DH decide if he wants to be emergency contact to his niece if they ever ask.

applesandpears33 · 26/01/2023 10:03

Whether or not they ask you to be involved may depend on where the boarding school is based. Some will ask that emergency contacts live within a certain distance from the school.

Bundler · 26/01/2023 10:05

Reading between the lines, are you worried about being responsible for an unhappy teenager who has bounced from her dad's to her mum's and has now been bounced to boarding school? Because that's a slightly different situation from being responsible for the occasional weekend sleepover with Netflix and pizza.

AvengingGerbil · 26/01/2023 10:06

So DN is not welcome/comfortable with the father or the mother so they are shipping the child not just off to boarding school but boarding school abroad. And the aunt doesn’t want any responsibility for them either. Not the aunt’s problem, but poor kid.

StrawberryMuffins · 26/01/2023 10:06

mindutopia · 26/01/2023 09:51

I went to a boarding school. No one was every sent away for any sort of emergency to live somewhere else (not illness or any other reason). Only possibly reason would have been a long-term (near permanent) exclusion or pregnancy, but that would have been for weeks/months, so they would have gone home. Out of term time, everyone flew home or went to stay with a friend's family if it was say, only a week or bank holiday weekend.

I think you are working yourself up over nothing. Normally all schools ask for like three emergency contacts anyway. So, of course, they would call both parents first, and then would work their way through the 3 contacts. At most, you might have to give telephone consent for medical treatment. I cannot see any scenario when you might need to abandon your children to rush off to them in person.

Pupils need to have somewhere to go for exeats, parents can't just assume friends will always issue invitations. There needs to be a back up plans whether that's a paid host family, extended family, flights back home every time or a parent flying over, and probably an emergency back up in case that fails.

Phos · 26/01/2023 10:07

Surely they would ask you before blithely putting you down as contact. And I'm sure some kids stay at school for exeat if parents are overseas or whatever.

Ellie1015 · 26/01/2023 10:07

You are worrying about something that might never happen. For planned times like half term if you are asked say no.

For emergencies asses if it comes up. you may find you do want to help and it is very short term while parents fly back (and possibly never required).

Wasteofmoneyornot · 26/01/2023 10:08

AnonymousPoster01 · 26/01/2023 09:58

I'd want a conversation about it. Looking at a school near us but not saying why? Hi sis, you know things are going well with ds. We looking at boarding. What do think of x school near you? Do you think you could be a emergency contact if we looked at this one?

That would be Ok. What I'm worried about is finding out after the fact. We had "hi looking at x school, thats near you right?" Said nope. End of conversation.
So say dn is there, then we get the call. I have asked where sil is looking. I got a non committal. But someone needs to be a contact in the UK surely?

Perhaps they were about to ask if you had any views or opinions on the school , any behaviour issues , any local problems which you may have been aware of as they seemed to think it was near you ?

Would you really not help a DN in an emergency?

Swipe left for the next trending thread