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Original poster

To suspect dsil want us to host boarding DN?

173 replies

AnonymousPoster01 · 26/01/2023 09:41

Ok maybe I'm super paranoid. My in laws are not super close and don't see or talk to dh very often.
Dsil And dbil live in Germany for work. They have 3 childten. The youngest two live with their bio dad also in Europe, but the eldest wasn't happy so went to live with their mum. After a year she decided this wasn't working so there was talk of boarding back in the UK. im wondering where dn will go for exeat? Whats happens when they get sick and get sent home? They have friends in UK and family apart from us. But unless they have had a chat with friends about this, I'm worried we will put down as an emergency contact. We have toddler twins and school age kids so 1) no room to host 2) can't drop things to pick up another child in emergency due to our own school runs.

Would you ask ( get dh to ask it's his family) what their emergency contact plans are? Or just leave it hoping it's being planned properly? Dsil is dhs only sibling.

Surely no Parent would do this? The reason I'm.worried is that she has said school is close to us. It's not. It's over an hour drive away

OP posts:
Foxywood · 26/01/2023 11:25

I imagine her parents will fly her home for half terms and holidays. - they might intend to but if they both work can they always be available to disappear to the airport to meet her?

mondaytosunday · 26/01/2023 11:26

Our school had a boarding element, many of the children were from abroad (large Chinese population). No kids were sent home, and during covid they had the option of staying at the residences over holidays, and there are always some kids who can't go home anyway.
But frankly you do not come over well - if there's such an emergency that you are asked to collect the child surely you (or husband) would? My son just had a motorbike accident and I called on a friend (I live 70 miles away), who dropped everything, told work she wasn't going in, and took him to A&E and stayed with him, then took him home, got a few groceries in and made him lunch! If it's an emergency you do it no matter how inconvenient.

Wetblanket78 · 26/01/2023 11:27

Maybe they chose your area because DN knows the area. But at 12 she's too young to be going to boarding school when parents are in another country. I can't see the school agreeing to it. They would have to have written confirmation from you or other family member that you are happy to be emergency contact. What about grandparents? Could they be an option?

Interested in this thread?

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Families
OutDamnedSpot · 26/01/2023 11:28

Why are you catastrophising this?

  1. no one has asked you to be a guardian.
  2. if you were a guardian, you wouldn’t be called for D&V (or any other minor sickness/injury)

As gently as possible, are you healthy yourself? Because you seem to be massively overthinking a situation that simply doesn’t exist.

Brefugee · 26/01/2023 11:28

Is anybody else just reading through this thread thinking ‘this poor child’ to themselves , basically being sent anywhere because by the sounds of it they are unwanted everywhere

tbh as a boarding school kid myself, i wonder if the dd has suggested it and has been such a massive PITA in both parents' house that they have agreed in the hope it calms her down or something?

Who knows?

But as with most things on MN the simple solution is to call the DN's parents and find out what their plans are?

Realfastfoodie · 26/01/2023 11:29

So I think you are worrying a bit too much.

  1. Boarders don’t get sent home when they are sick so the only time you’d be called is if it was very serious, Hospital etc.
  2. Some have exeats, some don’t, you’ll be able to see from the website.
  3. They have long holidays and half terms specifically so they can fly to join their family. 12 isn’t too young to do this unaccompanied.
OutDamnedSpot · 26/01/2023 11:29

Lots of misinformation on this thread too: of course 12 year olds are allowed to board internationally, and many boarding schools don’t have exeat weekends

Robinni · 26/01/2023 11:29

They are probably asking if the school is near you as it might be nice for niece to see family the odd time. And in the event that she is for example hospitalised that someone could be with her until they can be. That sort of thing. A crisis.

Don’t be so silly about the d&v. She is a 12 yr old going into teens. She will be able to cope with that on school premises and if more serious she will be hospitalised.

Are you honestly telling me that you couldn’t keep an air bed and a spare duvet for the odd sleep over?! All this talk of oh there’s no room etc is nonsense.

Basically you come across as an overwhelmed mother of three young kids and you can’t handle the stress of the thought of another being foisted upon you.

Except this isn’t what is happening.

Sil and Bil are considering sending their daughter to board in U.K. as she isn’t happy. They’ve asked if you’re near. As with any parent, they want some reassurance that if there is a major disaster someone trustworthy who the child knows is nearby. And would be nice - and normal - for neice to see some family occasionally for support. Thats it. For the most part she and they will be getting on with their own lives…

If there is a situation whereby someone has to be put down as an emergency contact and you aren’t comfortable then say so. I think you’re making this more complicated than it needs to be.

Foxywood · 26/01/2023 11:29

Plus will they be happy to pay for all those mid term flights - that's 10 or more flights a year.

ladymacbeth · 26/01/2023 11:33

@AnonymousPoster01 please listen t everyone telling you that boarders don't get sent away from school sick! There is no call coming for you to pick her up because of D&V

Untitledsquatboulder · 26/01/2023 11:33

AnonymousPoster01 · 26/01/2023 10:47

Niece is 12. So boarding schools don't have exeat any more? There is no spare bed. There's no room for a spare bed. They would have to sleep in with my 10 year old daughter if they got ill. Or dd would have sleep with the twins. My worry is that if I get a call at 2pm saying she has d&v how do I get her and my twins and my ten year old? Can dn just wait until after 3pm? Sil has form for planning big things then telling us after the fact. It's not that I don't love my dn, it's just seems logistically impossible. Surely someone needs to be guardian? How far into the process does sis get before having this convo? Before entrance exams? Before offer? I can not think of anyone closer in the family to this school.
I do agree it's very likely not to happen. But surely dn needs a Gaurdian? Maybe sis doesn't know that

Urgh, the more you talk the worse you sound. Just stop. No one had asked you to do anything and if they do you can just say no. Until they do this is none of your business.

TigerMummy1 · 26/01/2023 11:34

OP just ask them? It is a big commitment. For a niece I would do it but you need to agree for them to put your name down.
Those saying boarding schools don't send home kids who are sick, this is incorrect.
Sans/sick bays have an extremely limited number of beds and staff. If flu, covid, norovirus sweeps through the school (it does, every year) all those who have a guardian or parent near enough are sent home. This is one of the reasons there is a requirement to have a guardian in the country. It's more likely for a longer illness like flu or covid when the sick bay beds are needed longer for each child.
Likewise, major mental health crises, we send pupils to guardians. We have big issues with commercial guardians who sign up to get the money thinking it's a easy half term Netflix and pizza job, sign the contract and then decide they dont want the kid when they are suicidal or vomiting or have covid - even though that was in the contract. Boarding just doesnt have the staffing to deal with lots of unwell kids at once (and the staff get sick too) or a child who needs constant supervision.

Olive19741205 · 26/01/2023 11:35

Wow you sound really mean. Let your DH decide if he wants to be emergency contact to his niece if they ever ask.

This type of comment utterly baffles me. Berating a person for not taking on resposibility for someone else's child...and not a word about the parents who actually are responsible for the child.

Foxywood · 26/01/2023 11:35

How do posters think 12 year olds get around on their own, to airport etc You'd all be happy for them to get in a taxi with a stranger on their own ?

The relatives often have to ferry and pick up the DCs to suit the school - not to suit the busy relative or the parents.

Viviennemary · 26/01/2023 11:35

I think it's more likely your sil will expect you to have her DD for days out and the occasional weekend. I would say a house move was being planned.

allhailraatma · 26/01/2023 11:37

AlisonDonut · 26/01/2023 09:50

I'd assume it had all been planned properly and not get involved. Although I'd always pick up a niece or nephew in an emergency.

This. I'd be the same.

Foxywood · 26/01/2023 11:40

If you haven't had DCs at boarding school I'd say you don't know what you are talking about - i'm meaning teh SIL here.
I'd suspect the ILs are hoping that DH and the DGPs will take on the guardianship responsibilities - and they might, not knowing what can be involved, so might happily agree. Have DH prewarned.

Over40Overdating · 26/01/2023 11:42

Olive19741205 · 26/01/2023 11:35

Wow you sound really mean. Let your DH decide if he wants to be emergency contact to his niece if they ever ask.

This type of comment utterly baffles me. Berating a person for not taking on resposibility for someone else's child...and not a word about the parents who actually are responsible for the child.

But @Olive19741205 don’t you know, as a woman, as soon as a child, any child, is involved, it’s your DUTY to assume full responsibility immediately, no questions asked because otherwise you are just MEAN and AWFUL and HORRIBLE and who will think of the children?!!

I think it’s clear who identifies with the SIL’s method of child rearing and who’s been the family member expected to jump to demands.

Eixample · 26/01/2023 11:42

The question you need to ask, and perhaps someone here can answer, is whether you can be put down as a guardian or emergency contact without your knowledge or consent. If you can’t, you can stop worrying until you are approached. If you can, it’s worth contacting your SIL to make it clear you can’t take on the responsibility.

Needmoresleep · 26/01/2023 11:42

The experience is that UK based guardians have had to host overseas pupils for extended periods during epidemics. Covid was an issue, where pupils were sent 'home' but not able to travel abroad, but also swine/bird flu (I can't remember which) where potentially infectious pupils from Asia were not allowed to join school populations until they had quarantined in the UK. So not a 'it will never happen'.

But equally poor kid. I hope OP is able to do something for her at the same time as setting clear boundaries.

Toadybum · 26/01/2023 11:45

I doubt you'd be put down with out consent. Guardians have to sign things at our school.

bluebell34567 · 26/01/2023 11:46

AvengingGerbil · 26/01/2023 10:06

So DN is not welcome/comfortable with the father or the mother so they are shipping the child not just off to boarding school but boarding school abroad. And the aunt doesn’t want any responsibility for them either. Not the aunt’s problem, but poor kid.

so agree, why people not see this?

i also agree with op's concerns.

Lovetolosepounds · 26/01/2023 11:46

Daughter school with lots of foreign students had The San where poorly students were cared for by the full time on site nurse. Any children poorly during the day went there too.

the only time the school shut was for exceat weekends and all the foreign children generally had a friend to go to, I expect that’s what your niece will want to do. Probably a lot more fun than going to family. We often had the foreign students stay with us but of course we were the parents not just family and were happy to do it, sometimes one family would have a small group so our own daughter occasionally didn’t come home to us on exeat weekends. Some had their family visit from their own country and stayed in a hotel.

bluebell34567 · 26/01/2023 11:47

op dont have to be the guardian to fall into an imposing situation where she will have to care for dn.

Itisbetter · 26/01/2023 11:49

How do posters think 12 year olds get around on their own, to airport etc You'd all be happy for them to get in a taxi with a stranger on their own ?
usually the school organised the taxi or the children go in a minibus. Most are capable at 12 of flying to Germany ffs it’s not trekking in Siberia.