To suspect dsil want us to host boarding DN?

[AnonymousPoster01]

Ok maybe I'm super paranoid. My in laws are not super close and don't see or talk to dh very often.
Dsil And dbil live in Germany for work. They have 3 childten. The youngest two live with their bio dad also in Europe, but the eldest wasn't happy so went to live with their mum. After a year she decided this wasn't working so there was talk of boarding back in the UK. im wondering where dn will go for exeat? Whats happens when they get sick and get sent home? They have friends in UK and family apart from us. But unless they have had a chat with friends about this, I'm worried we will put down as an emergency contact. We have toddler twins and school age kids so 1) no room to host 2) can't drop things to pick up another child in emergency due to our own school runs.

Would you ask ( get dh to ask it's his family) what their emergency contact plans are? Or just leave it hoping it's being planned properly? Dsil is dhs only sibling.

Surely no Parent would do this? The reason I'm.worried is that she has said school is close to us. It's not. It's over an hour drive away

She sounds a delight, 2 kids off living with their dad and packing other one of to boarding school.

^^This exactly.

Boarding schools do still have exeats, sometimes called “Leave Outs” now. The international boarders at my daughters’ schools had to have an appointed guardian either friend, family or professional. This guardian had to agree to the role before the child joined the school. Maybe it’s not the same at all schools but I’d hope you couldn’t be out down without a conversation being had, by you, with school.

That’s if the relative agrees though, isn’t it? The parents not wanting to arrange an airport pick up through a company doesn’t mean they get to nominate OP to do it without even having a conversation with her to see if she’s able to do it.

I've never known a boarding school send kids home sick, unless there was some really serious operation and lengthy recovery needed. Broken bones and appendicitis level were all dealt with at hospital and school.

Likewise you can't just be put down as a guardian without agreeing, there are many host families who take the kids if they don't have other options in the country.

Schools are set up for unaccompanied minors arriving from overseas. You do not need to ferry to and from airports or whatever.

also, i would feel uncomfortable in op's shoes; there is a chld near you but you cant do much because of your circumstances.

If its a decent boarding school they won't just let your dn to go to just anyone. Dds friend often came to us in exeat and I had to email both the school and the friends parents before the school would let her come to us.

Personally think people are being quite harsh on you here OP. Not sure why you should be the responsible one for the DN when the parents are around, just because they’re choosing to send them to a boarding school nearer you than themselves seems bloody convenient to me!!

the mum already doesn’t have full time care of her other two children - but you should be expected to look after this one in emergencies and possibly more when you already have your own?!

nah I’m with you, this isn’t on at all!

@LimeTreeGrove just because OP has decided to have oodles of children does not mean she is entitled to be a crap Aunt. Perhaps if it were her siblings daughter rather than DH siblings daughter she would feel love and affection rather than inconvenience!

@AnonymousPoster01 If this is causing you anxiety you need to have it out with Sil sooner rather than later over a phone conversation. “How is school hunt going…. I have to be honest with you, I’ve been having some anxiety as I already feel overloaded with my own kids. If DN moves here would you expect us to be guardians? And what would this entail if so?”

And I agree with another poster you need to look up/phone the school fictitiously to find out the full situation in terms of what they can provide. If you need to bring it up with Sil you can say friend of a friend at toddler group - Sarah didn’t catch her surname - explained all and I checked… just to let you know etc etc

Yep

I’m not in the UK but here the distance between parents and boarding g schools may be the same as them being several countries apart in Europe distance wise. If kids get sick there does not need to be a local contact, the school deals with it, whether that he keeping them at school and managing it, kid going to hospital or kid going home (plane trip). I know one who was sick, sent to hospital and as soon as well enough put on plane with the intent parents met them off plane and took them to their local hospital (with organisation between hospitals going in). To be fair the distance was such that by the time parents flew in, kid could have been stabilised and flown out to them for continuing hospitalisation. Pretty sure all boarding schools require private health that covers all of this even in public system. No one I know has ever needed local contacts for kids in boarding schools.

Why can you not have this conversation with your SIL or at least ask your DH to clear things up?

If you are registered as a guardian for them, they cannot do this without your permission.

Why doesn't your husband have a conversation with his sister about this and advise her of your worries and situation. In an absolute immediate emergency you would be there for your niece but for general day to day things you aren't able to cope with another child.

It's best to let them know your situation sooner rather than later if you feel she's likely to spring something on you at a later date.

It's the child's parents that are failing her not her Aunt. Op doesn't have room for another child and has a lot on her plate. If a child is unhappy in both her homes you get them help. The last thing they should be doing is sending her abroad. Way to make her feel rejected by both parents

Our boarding school many overseas children stayed over at exeat. School organised days out. Day pupils were invited along for ££££. They were only expected to go home at Xmas, Easter. Some parents flew in booking a hotel or Airbnb. Ditto with exeat weekends.
I wouldn't panic

All of that. There are some ridiculous posts on this thread saying that it would all be lovely and the OP is really mean. Yet how many people would willingly give up 16-20 weeks to have a teenager stay with them (presumably involving someone sleeping on the sofa) and not being able to make plans of their own? And that's wothout the busy life, four kids and todller twins.

It's a massive commitment and I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole. People are called CFers on here for asking for 1% of that favour.

OP isn't worrying over nothing, imo. I think there's every possibility that she'll get asked at the very last minute when the niece already has a place at the school, and will be made to feel dreadful if she says no. But I also think that if she asks in advance what the plan is, that will be taken as her offering, or lead to an awkward conversation. She can't win.

The OP has absolutely no obligation to be responsible for this child. She’s not ‘mean’ or whatever other trite bollocks has been trotted out on here. Being a woman does not mean you’re morally and societally obliged to take on the loving care of any wretched child that needs it.

The only people responsible for this kid are the father, with whom she has chosen not to live (would be curious as to the back story, here and the sex and experience of the other two siblings - suspect two brothers) and her mother who when she moved out to live with her abroad, fairly rapidly decided she’d rather the kid was sent back to the UK to a boarding school. Neither parent has covered themselves in glory.

Nothing to do with being a woman. But most of us want to actually have something to do with our relatives.

so your getting yourself in a state because you think for some reason you would be named as an emergency contact. I would assume given no-one has asked you or your DH or even discussed this with you it is a safe bet you are not the emergency contact. The child is boarding and the contact would be parents it doesn't need to be someone in the local area. Boarders can come from different countries so I think you need to calm down

It wouldn't be practical to do this for an Exact weekend. It is usually after school on Friday until Sunday evening. But maybe the parent could make the journey to spend time with them. In which case they might be after somewhere to stay.

I currently have a child at a 'full boarding school' and children do go home sick. If there is a big outbreak of an illness then the san can only hold so many children. Also, if ill then children naturally want to be at home with their families so as a 'guardian' you may well need to be there to help in this scenario.

And my child has two exeats a term and can also take privs - a 13 year old who hasn't boarded may find it hard to settle. Also most parents do see their children quite frequently - watching fixtures on a Saturday and taking them out for lunch/cup of tea etc.

So, from what you have said, it is pretty clear being a 'guardian' wouldn't work for you and don't let the parents bamboozle you into it. It is quite the commitment.

They would need a guardian in UK. Can be a relative, friend or a professional through an agency. However it cannot be you without formal consent. They don't get sent home sick, just for short breaks and exeats, or exclusion.

I don't think you are unreasonable to be concerned OP, as it does sound like your SIL has form for not taking sufficient responsibility for her own children and she may well be assuming that you and your DH will be the UK guardians as you are nearest. Or she may not have even thought that far ahead yet.
But there will need to be someone. I know that overseas boarders at my children's school and my niece's school have to have a UK based guardian and I'd assume it's mandatory everywhere. How much that actually involves may ary depending on the school and the child of course - it may be no more than being someone who would be contacted in a dire emergency, but it could be more. I doubt it's likely to involve looking after a child with D&V though, there will be facilities to deal with minor illnesses at school I'm sure.
For both your sake, and your DN's, you, or more to the point your DH, do need to get this out into the open sooner rather than later. I would start by talking to your PILs maybe? Find out if they have been asked or if they know what SIL's plans are. That may put your mind at rest, or if not, it could trigger tge appropriate discussion. The other thing you could probably do is download the school's prospectus from their website and look at the information for boarders which may give you a better idea of what is likely to be involved if your SIL does ask. Then you and your DH can have an informed discussion and prepare a measured response. Personally, if it was just a matter of being a named person who would be called upon to hold the fort temporarily if the school burned down or DN was hospitalised or something then I would probably say yes, but I wouldn't be keen if I was going to be expected to regularly sort out travel, be called if there were behavioural problems, attend school events etc. Being available in a genuine emergency is one thing, being surrogate parent is quite another.
I think you need to find out exactly what the school, and your SIL would be expecting of you if this even happens, then you can make an informed decision.
I feel sorry for your DN too, but it's not your responsibility to compensate for her parents' failings, your own children come first. It's easy for posters to condem you but I bet a lot of us would feel the same if we were actually facing the prospect of taking on responsibility for a soon to be teen who I presume is virtually a stranger to you?
Find out more, and get the discussion out into the open - I think that would be in everyone's best interests.

Maybe they were just thinking you'd know the area? Things to do etc
I would put it out of your mind. You haven't been asked so no reason to think you would be, they would be very lax parents if they put someone as an emergency contact without telling them surely

‘Not entitled to be a crap aunt’

actually, unlike parents, she’s fully entitled to decide not to take on any responsibility for her niece.

She’s responsible for the children she chose to have, that’s it.