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Original poster

To suspect dsil want us to host boarding DN?

173 replies

AnonymousPoster01 · 26/01/2023 09:41

Ok maybe I'm super paranoid. My in laws are not super close and don't see or talk to dh very often.
Dsil And dbil live in Germany for work. They have 3 childten. The youngest two live with their bio dad also in Europe, but the eldest wasn't happy so went to live with their mum. After a year she decided this wasn't working so there was talk of boarding back in the UK. im wondering where dn will go for exeat? Whats happens when they get sick and get sent home? They have friends in UK and family apart from us. But unless they have had a chat with friends about this, I'm worried we will put down as an emergency contact. We have toddler twins and school age kids so 1) no room to host 2) can't drop things to pick up another child in emergency due to our own school runs.

Would you ask ( get dh to ask it's his family) what their emergency contact plans are? Or just leave it hoping it's being planned properly? Dsil is dhs only sibling.

Surely no Parent would do this? The reason I'm.worried is that she has said school is close to us. It's not. It's over an hour drive away

OP posts:
Brefugee · 26/01/2023 10:55

I left (boarding) school in 82. Parents in Germany .

Exeat? we only had them on Sunday, if you had nowhere to go and nobody invited you? you stayed at the school. We were allowed out in groups of 3-6 for a walk after lunch.

Ill? in the san for matron to terrorise/dispense soup (san = sick bay, separate rooms with nice comfy beds, quite nice, actually)

Half terms - we weren't allowed to stay at the school. I used to go to my grandparents.

all other holidays, i went to my parents.

MsRosley · 26/01/2023 10:58

LoraPiano · 26/01/2023 10:03

Wow you sound really mean. Let your DH decide if he wants to be emergency contact to his niece if they ever ask.

So he'll do all the additional work, will he? Or will that default to OP?

emmathedilemma · 26/01/2023 10:58

I think you're totally over-thinking this at the moment. If you're worried they might be assuming you'll step in then maybe drop into conversation something like "oh that would be nice, we might be able to see her occasionally at weekends" and see if that prompts them to mention you potentially being involved more.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
sueelleker · 26/01/2023 11:00

Cileymyrus · 26/01/2023 10:09

How old is she?

unless she’s very young have you thought about how it may help you?

if you have a 15 year old staying for half terms etc it may make your life easier as they can watch the children if you need to pop out, even babysit.

personally I think you’re being a bit mean. It’s your niece, I look after mine pretty regularly and it’s not a big deal.

So the child's been working hard at school, then is expected to be an unpaid babysitter during the holidays?

queencactus · 26/01/2023 11:01

I would get in touch with the school and ask what their policy is for exeats as it seems there is a lot of difference in how schools approach them. If the school has a lot of exeats and the intention is that your niece will be there to age 18 then being a guardian is quite an undertaking if you are expected to look after her every exeat and half term. A bit like having another child on a part time basis.

StarsSand · 26/01/2023 11:06

queencactus · 26/01/2023 11:01

I would get in touch with the school and ask what their policy is for exeats as it seems there is a lot of difference in how schools approach them. If the school has a lot of exeats and the intention is that your niece will be there to age 18 then being a guardian is quite an undertaking if you are expected to look after her every exeat and half term. A bit like having another child on a part time basis.

It's none of her business what the school does. Her children don't go there.

If I was SIL and I found out you were ringing my child's school and making Enquiries about the services for my child I'd think you were very long.

loopylou3030 · 26/01/2023 11:06

Having lived at boarding school from the age of 8 I can confirm you do not get to go home if you are sick you get put in the sick bay. Kids from abroad who had nowhere to go on half terms etc went with their friends if their parents were happy to allow this. My parents did it for my sisters best friend who lived in Brazil so couldnt go home for a weeks break, they became her official guardians and it worked well. However if her parents are in Europe no reason why she can't fly home for a short break. Our school gave us lifts to airports etc and back home around the country on coaches and there was no need for any relatives to get involved. However not sure why you can't be an emergency contact just in case of a serious accident or a hospital visit, surely that is what families are for??

Fancylike · 26/01/2023 11:08

Good grief, so you’re all worked up because sister messaged you to say they were looking at a school they thought was near you, most likely because they wanted to know your opinion, and if you’ve heard anything from friends about it. You’ve said no, and sister would think oh well she wouldn’t have a personal experience with that school then. End of conversation.

If they are looking at schools all over the country, then yes, one located just an hour away would be close to you. Is your relationship normally so bad that you assign motives to fairly innocent questions? If so, they would already know they can’t rely on you.

queencactus · 26/01/2023 11:09

@StarsSand
Sorry, I didn't make myself clear. I didn't mean that I would mention the niece. I'd pose as a potential parent who was interested in sending my own child and ask the question.

EveryoneButSam · 26/01/2023 11:10

Not sure why you are worrying so much about illness when multiple posts have told you that boarding school kids do not get sent away when sick. I spent a week in san with raging tonsillitis, another friend even longer with chicken pox. Granted it was miserable but we didn't get sent home.

Exeats probably depend on the school. We had one boarding house that stayed open so you could stay in for exeats if needed, the only times we had to leave were half terms and holidays.

hedgehoglurker · 26/01/2023 11:10

Where is the dad? UK, or elsewhere?

hedgehoglurker · 26/01/2023 11:11

hedgehoglurker · 26/01/2023 11:10

Where is the dad? UK, or elsewhere?

Sorry, missed that he is in Europe too.

OutForBreakfast · 26/01/2023 11:13

The school my sister works at has a few pupils staying on when others go home to parents. Very sad for the children, but they can stay. In her school emergency contacts are only for emergencies e.g. child is taken to hospital by ambulance seriously injured or ill and in those cases you would be pretty mean not to be an emergency contact.

LimeTreeGrove · 26/01/2023 11:13

Not sure why you're getting grief for not wanting an extra responsibility op, when you've got lots of your own kids to worry about and the couple wouldn't have any of their own kids to worry about as none are happy living with them.

declutteringmymind · 26/01/2023 11:14

Honestly, how lovely. We live near a university that a few relatives's children have attended, and I've opened my home to them and helped out where I can and it has been nothing but beneficial to the family. I'd be the opposite, going down to visit and sending her treats. What a shame.

MintJulia · 26/01/2023 11:15

PacificallyRequested · 26/01/2023 09:45

Yes you need to ask them. But you're coming across as pretty mean, saying you wouldn't even go and get her in an emergency.

This.
most boarding schools look after dcs when they are sick, and generally don't need much help.

But in a true emergency, surely you would want to help your niece...?

HavfrueDenizKisi · 26/01/2023 11:17

OP you're still assuming that you'll be called if DN is sick.

You won't be called. All boarding schools have medical staff (a matron normally) and an infirmary for sick kids to stay in. You're not going to be asked to look after a sick kid. Why are you fixated on this???

Just ask the question if this is what your relative is going to be expecting, then state what you can/cannot commit to.

All this bloody angst and assumption. Just have the conversation like an adult.

Needmoresleep · 26/01/2023 11:18

Both Covid and bird flu/swine flu have caused problems for boarding pupils, requiring them to quarantine or stay at "home" at a point when international travel is impossible. Hopefully we don't face another epidemic any time soon but boarding pupils do need somewhere in the UK where they could stay. This is not helped by the fact that post Brexit Germany is more "abroad" than it was.

You need to raise it with your SiL. Centre the child who seems to have had a rough time. You are delighted that your niece will be in the UK. You would be delighted to invite her to stay one exeat a term. If the reply is that they were hoping for more, say that you are already busy with your family and it will be too much. Or perhaps her paying you rather than an agency could be the solution.

Beercrispsandnuts · 26/01/2023 11:19

What ever are you on about; they don’t get set home, the school becomes the guardian. They live there. When parents are required they contact the parent. Boarding schools are used to overseas parents.

i have no idea how you’ve managed to make this all about you.

diddl · 26/01/2023 11:20

Surely you just wait & see if you are asked?

If you're not close then aren't they more likely to ask a relative that is close?

Beercrispsandnuts · 26/01/2023 11:21

Needmoresleep · 26/01/2023 11:18

Both Covid and bird flu/swine flu have caused problems for boarding pupils, requiring them to quarantine or stay at "home" at a point when international travel is impossible. Hopefully we don't face another epidemic any time soon but boarding pupils do need somewhere in the UK where they could stay. This is not helped by the fact that post Brexit Germany is more "abroad" than it was.

You need to raise it with your SiL. Centre the child who seems to have had a rough time. You are delighted that your niece will be in the UK. You would be delighted to invite her to stay one exeat a term. If the reply is that they were hoping for more, say that you are already busy with your family and it will be too much. Or perhaps her paying you rather than an agency could be the solution.

Don’t do this, no one has asked you to habe the kid and I’m sure they’d prefer to go home and see their parents. I’m also sure your family kmow you’ve no space.

Floralnomad · 26/01/2023 11:21

Is anybody else just reading through this thread thinking ‘this poor child’ to themselves , basically being sent anywhere because by the sounds of it they are unwanted everywhere . Seriously OP , her parents sound completely crap and you can’t even bear the thought o having to have her at your home for a weekend in case you are inconvenienced. All the adults in this little scenario need to take a good look at themselves .

Toddlingturtle · 26/01/2023 11:21

Really don’t stress. 100 people have told you that she won’t need collecting if ill. If it’s an expat weekend and you do agree to be guardian she’s more likely to want to stay with a friend and big deal if she stays with you for a couple of days and shares a room. I imagine her parents will fly her home for half terms and holidays. If she’s really sick like in an emergency sick, breaks a leg etx surely your husband or you would want to be with her until her parents could get over to her.

you’re being a bit mean to be honest

Foxywood · 26/01/2023 11:24

I would be cautious - some private schools have veeeery long holidays, mid terms breaks, they may not provide for eg child staying another day as there is no one to pick up, but expect you to be there. You need to find out just what is needed. Also you might need to ferry to train station/ airport --several times a year--

Over40Overdating · 26/01/2023 11:24

Ignore the selfless saints OP.

If I understand correctly the DN is your DP’s blood relative.

And as always on MN, it’s the wife that’s expected to take on the responsibility and repercussions for her husband’s family issues.
Whether you love your niece or not is irrelevant. You are right to have concerns about how this might impact you and your family when you are already dealing with a full load. If your Dsil has form for making plans on your behalf with no discussion, you need clarity.

You should pass your DSIL’s details on to some of the PPs on here who would simply throw their doors and their homes open in a flash, because that’s what proper wives do! 🙄