To suspect dsil want us to host boarding DN?

[AnonymousPoster01]

Ok maybe I'm super paranoid. My in laws are not super close and don't see or talk to dh very often.
Dsil And dbil live in Germany for work. They have 3 childten. The youngest two live with their bio dad also in Europe, but the eldest wasn't happy so went to live with their mum. After a year she decided this wasn't working so there was talk of boarding back in the UK. im wondering where dn will go for exeat? Whats happens when they get sick and get sent home? They have friends in UK and family apart from us. But unless they have had a chat with friends about this, I'm worried we will put down as an emergency contact. We have toddler twins and school age kids so 1) no room to host 2) can't drop things to pick up another child in emergency due to our own school runs.

Would you ask ( get dh to ask it's his family) what their emergency contact plans are? Or just leave it hoping it's being planned properly? Dsil is dhs only sibling.

Surely no Parent would do this? The reason I'm.worried is that she has said school is close to us. It's not. It's over an hour drive away

How old is she?

unless she’s very young have you thought about how it may help you?

if you have a 15 year old staying for half terms etc it may make your life easier as they can watch the children if you need to pop out, even babysit.

personally I think you’re being a bit mean. It’s your niece, I look after mine pretty regularly and it’s not a big deal.

There are agencies that will act as the child's guardian. They employ local host families.

Yes, boarding children sometimes get sent home from school and need somewhere to go on exeat weekends, even those from Hong Kong/Russia - the parents pay an agency and the agency arrange for the child to stay with a host family.

Why don't your wait until they actually ask you? No way they'd be putting you down as emergency contact without clearing it with you first.

You are getting yourself into a froth over something that hasn't even happened yet.

Also boarding schools don't sent home sick children. Some kids stay in school for exeat etc. and just go home for longer holidays.

If you want to head the question off ask directly what their plans for this is? Then if you're so worried about it, state then that you don't think you can help out.

Me, I’d be thinking what a great opportunity to try and build up a little bit of a relationship with my niece/nephew and my children to know their cousin. If it goes ahead, I’d definitely be inviting them to my house for a home-cooked meal, or take them out for a meal somewhere near the school when they have a weekend day free.

One of mine, as a young adult, lived for a while near some not-particularly-close family members. They would have her over for Sunday lunch every couple of months, or now and again, she’d meet up with one of them in the nearest city. It meant she built up a relationship with them which was independent from the rest of the family and which still endures.

Sulky, moody teens are bad enough when they're yours, let alone someone else's!
OP has at least 4 kids of her own, including toddler twins. I don't think she is at all unreasonable not wanting to take responsibility for a teen she barely knows each holiday!
Even finding a room for them would disrupt her own children. Probably couldn't even fit them all in the car for trips out either.
I personally wouldn't even raise the possibility with SIL unless approached - there is every possibility of any discussion going wrong and it appearing as though you offered to do it in the first place.

I've name changed for this. I do understand some of your reluctance. I have family who live abroad and was asked to be a guardian for a family member. I was a little reluctant because we have a busy work and family life and like you have several kids. School was a long distance away (opposite end of the UK) and it would have taken most of a day to travel there. I thought being a guardian would mean that I would be expected to be present at the school for school events or to provide in person support to relative and I could not offer that, although I could be there in an emergency. I was clear about what I could and could not offer and did agree to be a guardian. No emergencies arose and I was never called on to visit the school. I would be clear with family member about what you can and cannot offer, which may depend on where the school is located. If they want you to be actively involved and you are happy to do this they should choose a school near where you are located.

The poor kid.

As @Passerillage and others have said, non-UK boarders have to have an official UK guardian. Boarding nowadays means going home at least every two to three weeks. This is compulsory - the school closes for exeats and holidays. Children are not expected to rely on ‘being invited home by friends’ or ‘emergency contacts’. Guardians are expected to provide a home from home - and decent ones attend as many school events as possible, as well.

So unless you’re asked to fulfill that role …

But they haven't said anything to you so don't you think that means they're not even thinking about asking you guys?

Surely there would be a conversation before putting your names down? You're worrying about nothing right now.

Why wouldn’t you want to help your DN on the odd occasion? Obviously it’s your choice but I just find it really strange.

Some of the schools we looked at did not have exeat weekends so travel back to Germany for half terms etc would be feasible. Others offered SIFLO - stay in for leave out. So you could pay extra for the child to stay at school for exeat and they did adventure type activities.

Just have an open conversation. Start with 'how is the school hunt going?'

Sounds like you're looking for a reason to be annoyed here.

Even 30 years ago people flew back to Germany for half terms from boarding school or parents came over or they went to grandparents or with friends. They have a nurse and a san for sick-a-beds. Exeats, you go home, with friends or stay at school. Emergency….well frankly if my sister wouldn’t help in an emergency I’d think she was a dick.
Who’s your emergency contact for your kids? If you and dh got knocked killed with your family would you expect sil to help your children? I’m shocked you are so unhelpful and frankly unloving.

I don't think you should feel bad op. Its convenient for them that none of their kids want to live with them and the one that did try living with them now wants to move abroad so they get to live a child free existence and wouldn't even need to be emergency contact for their own kid. Not sure why you should feel guilty when you've got a lot on your plate with your own kids about not wanting their kid to be responsible for!

Niece is 12. So boarding schools don't have exeat any more? There is no spare bed. There's no room for a spare bed. They would have to sleep in with my 10 year old daughter if they got ill. Or dd would have sleep with the twins. My worry is that if I get a call at 2pm saying she has d&v how do I get her and my twins and my ten year old? Can dn just wait until after 3pm? Sil has form for planning big things then telling us after the fact. It's not that I don't love my dn, it's just seems logistically impossible. Surely someone needs to be guardian? How far into the process does sis get before having this convo? Before entrance exams? Before offer? I can not think of anyone closer in the family to this school.
I do agree it's very likely not to happen. But surely dn needs a Gaurdian? Maybe sis doesn't know that

I was at boarding school from 8-18, for much of which my parents were overseas. I loathed it, but frankly can’t begin to imagine how much more intolerable it would have been had my aunts and uncles not been willing to do everything they could to make it bearable and to be my back-up family. They had me for weekends and half terms, came to concerts and plays at school, let me sob on the phone to them when the time difference meant I couldn’t call my parents… One set even had me and my brother to stay for the weekend when their fourth baby had just been born that week and their older children were all aged under 6. It was a scheduled weekend out - the school had flexible exeats so it could have been changed but they knew how crushed we’d be to be left at school.

Re: your sick bug fears though - you don’t get sent home for that sort of thing. The school deals with it.

Poor kid, not happy living with their dad and siblings, not wanted by their mother abroad.

The youngest two live with their bio dad also in Europe, but the eldest wasn't happy so went to live with their mum. After a year she decided this wasn't working so there was talk of boarding back in the UK
Poor kid. Maybe they should get family therapy to work out why she's unhappy with both parents rather than looking to outsource her.

I thought that until OP said they're looking at schools near where she lives. If the kid gets in there, it will be more difficult to say no, so it makes sense for her DH at least to make a general inquiry about the parents' intentions.

I can also see why it's worrying. Being emergency contact is one thing, being expected to run your life around the nephew's exeats and half terms for several years is completely different. Suppose, for instance, OP wants to take her family away for half term to a venue that's suitable for small children but offers nothing to teenagers? In that situation sure, I would want to help out, but I would want the parents to be sharing the load.

You don’t go home for minor illnesses. (Or even broken bones). School is your home, they have a nurse and housemistresses.

I think if a parent who lives abroad wants to put you down as an emergency contact or similar for their DC at boarding school here it won't happen unless you give your consent.
So you can refuse this responsibility (and it may be a legal responsibility) but still offer to have them for the odd exeat or half-term, if you wanted to.
( is it 'in loco parentis or similar'?).
When i boarded (some time ago now -- ahem) I had to have a legal guardian in this country. My parents lived a long way way, about a six hour flight.
They asked an aunt and uncle -- they refused. Fair enough, my grandfather stood in.

In my experience, the conversation about being a guardian came very late in the process and I was expected to sign and return a form immediately.

Poor kid, not happy living with their dad and siblings, not wanted by their mother abroad.
so many at boarding school are in similar situations.

That struck me too. He's gone through the break-up of his parents' marriage, then the breakdown of his placement with his father and separation from his siblings, and now his mother doesn't want him in the same country. How old is he?