To suspect dsil want us to host boarding DN?

[AnonymousPoster01]

Ok maybe I'm super paranoid. My in laws are not super close and don't see or talk to dh very often.
Dsil And dbil live in Germany for work. They have 3 childten. The youngest two live with their bio dad also in Europe, but the eldest wasn't happy so went to live with their mum. After a year she decided this wasn't working so there was talk of boarding back in the UK. im wondering where dn will go for exeat? Whats happens when they get sick and get sent home? They have friends in UK and family apart from us. But unless they have had a chat with friends about this, I'm worried we will put down as an emergency contact. We have toddler twins and school age kids so 1) no room to host 2) can't drop things to pick up another child in emergency due to our own school runs.

Would you ask ( get dh to ask it's his family) what their emergency contact plans are? Or just leave it hoping it's being planned properly? Dsil is dhs only sibling.

Surely no Parent would do this? The reason I'm.worried is that she has said school is close to us. It's not. It's over an hour drive away

Yes but if you have children of your own you may genuinely not have the space/time/money.

Anyway, the DN only has to get back to Germany, so it's unlikely to be an issue it's not like South Africa or something. All seems like a storm in a teacup - the OP can probably have her one weekend a year or something.

Pretty sure all boarding schools require private health that covers all of this even in public system.

Nope. In the independent schools I know (which are the ones everyone has heard of) a child stretchered off the rugby or hockey field is obviously taken by the staff to A&E at a normal NHS hospital. If there’s a less urgent health issue for which the child’s parents want them to receive private care - that would be their business, not the school’s.

No one I know has ever needed local contacts for kids in boarding schools.

But you’re not in the UK, so, with the very greatest respect …

I the only one thinking poor kid, can’t live with their dad so goes to mum for help. She decides can’t be arsed do ships him off to boarding school in another country. Extended family didn’t want to know and just hopes it doesn’t inconvenience them. If that was my niece she would be living with us like a shot

@RandomersAssociation Boarding schools differ, but most IMHO have a properly staffed sanatorium for children who are ill. Otherwise it's presumably hospital and back to the san for convalescence. Again, for those whose parents live remotely and where an exeat (3-4 days) or any holiday break, most boarding schools offer activities and trips for those who can't easily go home. For longer breaks it is usually a paid guardian if no suitable family guardian can be found - and of course those children are sometimes invited for a week or two by friends. So the OP can relax - she just needs to say no if she is invited to be family guardian. Though it would be good of her if she or her partner went to say a concert or sports day if invited.

Are you the only relatives nearby? I'd assume they've got emergency stays covered.
Why aren't they sending to a school closer to them? They don't seem like very nice parents if they don't house two children, and the one they do house gets sent away to board

Yes this- some people don’t deserve kids and the kids here really don’t deserve the adults in their lives

OP,

You have every right to be concerned, CF's are everywhere.

My husbands colleague had the opportunity some years ago, to take a lovely posting abroad,(asia) but would involve putting his 3 children into a (company fees paid) boarding school here.
Husband heard from a mutual female colleague that he was appalled that his sister politely told him in the clearest of language, "absolutely not", when he TOLD her she was going to be required to sign papers to be their UK guardian.

His wife's family said No, it was too much, so he thought he could bully his sister into it.

He was very pissed off that both family's were so selfish as to deprive them of such a great opportunity 🙄.

I wouldn't dream of taking on such a responsibility for my SIL that my husband is not close to, in your position OP.

Not a chance.

@saraclara is correct about people calling out Cf's for a tiny fraction of what's being asked here.

@crosstalk - You may have intended to address another poster?

Oh - I see what you meant!

Another poster stated that private schools ‘require private health’ and I replied that this is not the case. I didn’t mean the sick bay at school - I meant what I assumed that poster meant - private, non-NHS health care. And I can happily say that after several years of very recent boarding experience (as the adult) we have never had to use private health care. Or had it mentioned by the child’s school. It’s just not part of the deal.

Boarding schools do not tend to need people who live local to be handy for emergencies, the school deals with the emergency.

The one my kids go to has people from all over the world including China, South America, Africa and Europe. Those people come over and stay at school. For short breaks they stay at school and for longer ones they fly home. If there's an illness, the school has nursing staff on site and will use the hospital and A&E if necessary and the child will recover there or in their dorm.

During exeat weekends (this weekend is one), the school arranges events for those who are staying - which is the majority. They have longer "main" holidays to compensate for this.

Other than pulling numbers out of your magic arse (you're talking as if she's been asked to adopt the girl not act as guardian- point if fact no one has asked her anything) do you actually have anything to offer this thread?
The OP talks about her niece as though she's a communicable skin disease she doesn't want to risk catching. Let's hope her dh shares her view of family and there'll be no problem at all.

This isn't about you. Its about what they choose to do. That has nothing to do with you.

Until you are asked to be a contact (in which case you say no) then don't let it be a concern.

But surely dn needs a Gaurdian? the school becomes her guardian

If she's 12, is the school a prep school or an all through 11-18 Senior School? If it's a Prep school, the boarding is likely to be a lot more fluid. I teach in a boarding prep school and most of our boarders do go home if they're unwell. They don't have to, by any means. We have a sick bay and a nurse. But they're all aged 13 and under and most boarders live within an hour and a half of the school so the vast majority of ill children want to go home - and the vast majority of their parents want to have them with them at home too. The international students are generally a fairly even mix of staying in sick bay and choosing to go home to local family or guardians. But an 11-18 school might have a more standard 'stay in school when sick policy', I don't know.

All our children go home for exeats which are 5 times a year. There is no option to stay in school. All international students have guardians and they often get invited to friends homes instead. It's rare to find a school that has full boarders without exeats, I think?

People who boarded in the 80s, 90s and probably even 00s wouldn't recognise modern boarding. Most children see their parents or guardians very regularly now, especially when younger - lots of our will go out for dinner on evenings in the week or have a mid week night at home if they're feeling homesick or under the weather. Parents or guardians come to the school very regularly for matches, plays, events and parents evenings or just to have a quick chat with their child. Weekly boarding is much more common that full boarding among under 13s so she might also find that the school empties out at the weekend and she feels lonely. That's improving now the international market is back but, just after Covid, we were often in a position where we only had 1 or 2 children in at the weekend.

Having said all that, I would want to help her, no matter how busy I was (I don't have children and would never want one but I couldn't ignore a lonely, unhappy young relative like that).

Can’t imagine they would put you down as contact without asking
But I would do this for my nieces/nephews if required

Are you seriously saying you'd decide on the number of children you have based on the faint possibility that distant relatives by marriage you never speak to who live in another country thousands of miles away might foist a child on you, a child you have never met and would probably dislike being there more than she would with her own parents?

Get over yourself and get real @Robinni

@Robinni anyone is entitled to be a crap aunt, uncle, cousin, friend, godparent, sister, brother, niece, nephew.

Unless you have given birth or assumed parental responsibility no one is obliged to be at the beck and call of someone else’s child rearing plans.

In your world people who chose to have ‘oodles’ of children are somehow selfish for not wanting to take responsibility for other people’s children. Yet the parents who are failing here are fine and the OP is a villain.

I hope you have factored this logic into your own plans so that you are ready and willing to step up as soon as demanded.

Or does that selfless martyrdom not actually come into play in the real world?

There seem to be plenty of people on this thread who'd be delighted to be the child's guardian op. Problem solved.

Bloody hell - god forbid you might be inconvenienced by your DNiece's emergency.

Is this how you'd want your own DC to be treated?

Yes I would raise it.

No comment on the situation but what a sad and damaging experience for the child to be sent so far away from home.
I wonder why some people have children at all to palm them off on a school abroad instead of trying to repair relationships.

They don't sent home if unwell that IS their home

It sounds like an extra responsibility that you don't want and despite being your dh's niece it sounds like it would fall to you to take care of her. You don't want to so if the question arises you say no. Be prepared that it might affect your relationship going forward though. It also sounds like your sil has form for this sort of thing. Be firm in whatever you decide.

There’s a big difference between university students, and a probably disturbed 12 year old who doesn’t seem to have ever had a stable home life.

But you are obviously an angel of hospitality.

Even if you had no bed for that child and room left to put a bed? You could say you'd take on your 3 nieces and nephews but you only have a studio flat. And you could. Can you not imagine it wouldn't be in those kids best interests?

The child has two living healthy young parents which choose to have her based on their ability to meet her needs. I had my children in this size house on my ability to meet their needs. To have her I'd have to upsize. We don't have that kind of cash for a start.