To suspect dsil want us to host boarding DN?

[AnonymousPoster01]

Ok maybe I'm super paranoid. My in laws are not super close and don't see or talk to dh very often.
Dsil And dbil live in Germany for work. They have 3 childten. The youngest two live with their bio dad also in Europe, but the eldest wasn't happy so went to live with their mum. After a year she decided this wasn't working so there was talk of boarding back in the UK. im wondering where dn will go for exeat? Whats happens when they get sick and get sent home? They have friends in UK and family apart from us. But unless they have had a chat with friends about this, I'm worried we will put down as an emergency contact. We have toddler twins and school age kids so 1) no room to host 2) can't drop things to pick up another child in emergency due to our own school runs.

Would you ask ( get dh to ask it's his family) what their emergency contact plans are? Or just leave it hoping it's being planned properly? Dsil is dhs only sibling.

Surely no Parent would do this? The reason I'm.worried is that she has said school is close to us. It's not. It's over an hour drive away

Boarders don’t get sent home when they are sick, many boarders don’t have someone in the country. You sil probably said it was near you because an hour isn’t far in comparison to a country. Maybe she also hoped you would reach out, invite niece or nephew around an odd weekend, or take them out for a meal occasionally etc. I don’t think that is much to ask, but the fact you don’t even want to be there in an emergency speaks volumes.
Does anyone want the poor kid with them?

@Catspyjamas17

Don’t be ludicrous.

OP is using the fact they have multiple children as an excuse for being pretty dreadful regarding neice.

ie. Cooking up this hullabaloo of hysteria at the sheer thought of having to have anything to do whatsoever with said neice because it would inconvenience their very big important life.

Rather than considering that a vulnerable young blood relative of her husband is coming to the country and could use a bit of support (within what she’s confortable with).

It’s the fact that OP is quite clear they want FA to do with neice and to be no part of her life that people think is a bit rubbish. And that she is using the fact they have multiple kids as an excuse. It’s no excuse. Lots of people have large nuclear families and are capable of love and compassion for more distant family members.

She’s creating a mountain out of a molehill. Speak to Sil, find out what’s going on, make her position clear. Simple.

@Over40Overdating

Please see my response above.

We have taken care of and had sleepovers with neices/nephews, been the emergency contact, spent time with and developed relationships with them too. Had the same in return for our DC.

No one is suggesting OP take on another child for all holidays and weekends if she doesn’t want to. Easy to say no, not for me.

It is the - I wouldn’t even want to be there, even if in an emergency or if they were really ill - Attitude that’s strange/comes across as mean. And using her family situation as an excuse.

@Robinni you might not be ‘telling’ her but you are certainly judging her for being hesitant or not doing as you would do.

She’s not using having kids as ‘an excuse’ - she is worried about the practicalities in a set-up which currently could not stretch to another child needing accommodation or emergency help. You know absolutely nothing about her time constraints or whether her husband would pull his weight. The fact she is this worried would suggest she may already be at her limit. Where’s your compassion for OP?

Even if she was living a life of ease she is still not obligated to step in.

She is putting the welfare of her children first - something you don’t seem to judge the actual parents of the other child for not doing.

Of course we would, we would make do. Even if it meant partitioning the living room . My dad grew up one of 6 in a 2 up 2 down.

I can’t believe this child has been living with his dad, that didn’t work out, went to live with their mum, who then decides to send the child to a boarding school in another country. Then the closest relative, rather than worrying about the mental health of their niece who is repeatedly rejected worries about the off chance of having to drive an hour to help if they were sick or had to have them to stay for a few days.

that poor poor child deserves so much more. Would it really kill you to pick up your sick niece? No, a friend would help out and get your kid from school in an emergency- they could go on an emergency play date.

But they're not in that desperate situation. This child has a mother who shouldn't take that option because it leaves relations being parents. Even if a child is at boarding school, parents are required to be around for all sorts of reasons. It's a big commitment and in the child's best interests for her mother to take on.

Rather than her aunt partitioning her living room, her mother should be making life decisions that will allow her to discharge her own parenting responsibilities, whether that is the family decamping back to Britain, the niece going to a boarding school close to home etc. It's not always in the best interests of the child for relatives to be heroes and martyrs if it's facilitating mum or dad to be absent.

I looked into being a guardian for a UK boarding school. They said that for half terms / long weekends the European children go home again, its a very short flight to Germany. (Chinese children may need a home for half term, but Chinese families who use UK boarding schools tend to have enough cash to fly the kid back and forth a lot. The wealthiest (Russian) families buy a UK house near the school and hire a full time nanny to live in it.)

The guardian role is mostly to do exeat weekends for EU children, and I was told the teen is usually exhausted from school and will just want to lie in bed watching tv.

So your inlaws may not feel its a big ask and that it would be nice for your niece to know you better, but if you don’t wanna be involved, make that clear.

Are your inlaws rich? If so they should be paying for airport taxis and possibly also a guardian for exeat if you don’t want to do it.

YANBU for being suspicious that “this school is near you, right?” Means “I’m assuming DC can stay at yours whenever needed.”

@Over40Overdating completely judge the parents and said that in previous posts there does not seem to be anyone in the child’s life who cares for her.

Look, my point is there is no need for all this. OP is clearly anxious and overwhelmed in general. She needs to communicate her limitations to Sil. End of.

And it isn’t unreasonable to think anyone could do the odd trip out here or there for a child they’re related to, and be named as emergency contact (it will likely never happen, and there are usually at least 3 🤷‍♀️).

Parents can pay to have guardians who cover weekend breaks, holidays if child can't go home immediately and other instances.

DC might not be sent home, but my DD was in quarantine with nurse for two reasons and asked if she could come home. It was felt all round she'd be better off at home/away from school for a few days, so I went to get her.

But the parents are clearly incapable of meeting the child’s well being needs, that poor poor child -I would say it’s a very desperate situation. I would absolutely step in if the parents of my niece were behaving like this. Does anyone actually love and care for this child?

Just a thought-do the forms have to be signed in person? I've got a niggling feeling that SIL is the sort of person to forge OP's signature.

I'm a deputy housemistress in a boarding school.
Yes, we send kids home/to guardians sometimes when they are sick. It's in the contract.
If they have a bad cold we keep them. D&V usually would keep unless it goes on a long time (eg a week).
Flu/covid we often send home to recover. Often also whilst they are still ill if they have family within a couple of hours because lots get unwell at once and we dont have enough beds.
Mental health, we might also send home if severe eg self harm because we cant do constant supervision.
If we are short on beds we prioritise which kids stay ie UK kids and those with close loving family nearby will go home to make space in san for internationals with only commercial guardians. But I've sent a few kids 'home' sick to commercial guardians in the past year too.

I guess we can't know the particulars but it's certain that mum won't step up if she thinks other people can be wheeled in to help. If she thinks that option isn't available she may just have to get on with it which could well be better than a rejection of the kind she's planning.

I agree you might be right.

Would it really kill you to pick up your sick niece?
OMG12
5exeats a year and anyone being picked up also needs dropped off - so a2hour trip to pickup then ac2hour trip to drop off. With the babies also crammed in the car - nightmare.

It’s really not a nightmare is it? I actually wonder what some peoples lives are like when something like this is classed as a nightmare! The babies won’t be “crammed in the car” they will be sat safely in their car seats. 5 times a year for a kid that apparently doesn’t seem to wanted anywhere!! Jesus! We do more than that for our elderly neighbour!

just don’t get involved or put yourself in the middle.

SIL can make all the plans she wants, you can just say no

I feel like you’re making this into a bigger thing than its need to be.
In your shoes all I would do is have a conversation with my DH about what we would do if we were called on in an emergency or for holiday. Decide together what the response will be IF that happens.
The if it happens you know how to respond (eg not picking up the child for half term and telling your SIL you can’t are for the child and that she should have make appropriate arrangements).

That poor kid. I simply don’t understand parents like this.

Bizarre (you) but so what if she did? Do you think they'll force the OP to have her niece if she denies all knowledge?

I disagree with all the PPs saying you come across as a bit mean. With toddler twins AND school age kids, and no spare room, I’m sure you have no spare capacity to help with someone else’s child.
When my twins were toddlers (I had no older kids) I would have had absolutely no capacity to help with someone else’s, and like you didn’t have spare space in the house either. It would have been completely impossible and it didn’t mean I didn’t care about the other child.

Of course we would, we would make do. Even if it meant partitioning the living room . My dad grew up one of 6 in a 2 up 2 down.

I grew up one of 7 in a 3 bed house. My mother took my cousin in when there was trouble at home. It was shit for everyone. My cousin then went to live with another aunt who had more room, she was happier with that. Even without cousin there it was shit.

For the child's sake, fair warning should be given that there isn't a local adult willing to act as a guardian.

I work in a boarding school. Guardians are for emergencies only I.e hospitalisation, gas leak at school, etc. Personally I find it sad when a paid guardian comes to relieve a member of boarding staff in hospital, so I think family is best if available.

I would expect a German pupil to go home for half term and some exeats - international boarders going back to Europe tend to take Friday off for this. Exeats are infrequent at my school and on the calendar a year in advance.

You'd have to give permission the be a guardian, often for VISA reasons.