What’s your favourite joke?

[Username721]

Just that. Will be stealing any decent ones. 😁

I went to the zoo the other day, I was so disappointed at the lack of animals there. There was only one dog - it was a shih tzu...

Me:I can make a pun out of anything.
DH: you can't make a pun out of vegetables
Me: That isn't nececelery so

A young man goes into a clock shop and says "I'd like a potato clock, please".
The assistant scratches her head, shows him lots of alternatives, but none of them seem to convince him.
In the end, she has to admit that - although she's been in the clocks and watches industry for 30 years - she's never heard of one of those and she asks him if he's sure that's what he needs, and what features he'll require.
He replies "I've no idea what they look like or what special thing they do - all I know is that, once I told my Mum about my new job, and that I would have to be there to start by 9am prompt, she told me "You'll need to get a potato clock"".

The man who wrote the Hokey Cokey died recently, preparations for his funeral were all going well until they put his right leg in ...

I'm sure I could root out a few more but I've turned over a new leaf.

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey

Groan...

Mary had a little skirt
'Twas split right up the sides
And every time that Mary ran
The boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt
'Twas split right up the front.
She didn't wear it very often.

Ahhhh god this is brilliant 👏

🤣

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?

Still no fucking idea.

What's brown and taps on windows?
Poo on a stick

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Phillipe Philoppe

Why did the constipated accountant go to the doctor?
Because he couldn't budget.

What did the doctor prescribe?
A pencil - told him to use it to work it out.

What biscuit flies!

Plain biscuits.

And my favourite.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Europe who?
I am not a poo! You're a poo!!

How do you define optimism?
Rishi’s under-maid ironing five shirts on a Sunday.

What do you call eight members of the cabinet at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water:
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, boy ant.

Knock knock!

Who's there?
Euripides.
Euripides who?
Euripides trousers, you menda dese trousers!
( Said in a strong Italian accent!)

Where does Peter pan eat out?

Wendy's

Our DS will love this

Brilliant!!!

😄😄😄

How do you get picachu on the train

Pokemon (poke him on)

What do misers do in cold weather?
Sit round a candle

What do they do when the weather is absolutely freezing?

Light it

Why does the King never wave with THIS hand?
<waves left hand>
Because it's MY hand!

And another kids' favourite:
Do you wipe your bum with your left hand or your right hand?
<victim replies with one or the other>
Eeuurrrrgghhh, you're disgusting - I use toilet paper!!