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What’s your favourite joke?

236 replies

Username721 · 23/01/2023 21:09

Just that. Will be stealing any decent ones. 😁

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 24/01/2023 22:40

Where did the bull and cow go to on their first date.
To see a mooovie.

I was playing darts with a friend and we agreed that nearest the bull starts.
Me: "Baaaaaaa!"
Friend: "Moooooo!"
Me: "OK, you go first."

What's brown and under the piano stool?
Beethoven's last movement.

A man walks into a bar accompanied by a teeny tiny little man, not much more than a foot tall. They find a table and the big man gets a minuscule piano out of his bag, which the little man then begins to play amazingly.
A crowd gathers around, most impressed, and somebody asks the big man how he came to meet his tiny little musical virtuoso friend.
The big man says "I rubbed an old lamp that I found in the loft and a genie popped out and offered to grant me absolutely any wish that I wanted - and this was the result".
"Wow, that's fantastic," said the questioner - "I can't believe somebody would have such a wonderful imagination to even think of asking for something cool like this!"
The man replies "And I can't believe that a magic, all-powerful genie wouldn't cure his own major hearing difficulties. Do you think I really wished for a 15-inch pianist?!"

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 24/01/2023 22:49

I'm from a lovely town in Buckinghamshire called Bmqrshbm.

It used to be known as Amersham, but they turned the A&E into a B&Q.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 24/01/2023 22:59

I used to work in a factory that made wood-care products. One of my colleagues fell into the huge vat of varnish; sadly, he didn't survive, but he had a lovely finish.

Before that, I worked in a furniture upcycling place and another colleague fell into the upholstery machine. It was terrifying at the time, but she's completely recovered now.

My very first job was crafting souvenirs in a workshop in Whitby, which specialised in extremely popular handmade Draculas.
When I started, there were 11 of us in the team, but 9 of them left soon afterwards - meaning that I had to make every second count.

longtompot · 24/01/2023 23:03

It's a bit of a long one, but worth the read

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

I'll get my coat😬

swimlyn · 25/01/2023 01:13

A man goes into a chemist:
“I’d like a deodorant please !”
“Certainly Sir, ball or aerosol ?”
“Neither - it’s for under my arms!”

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

halesie · 25/01/2023 01:54

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot Grin

whole family is loving this thread, thank you OP!

ashitghost · 25/01/2023 01:59

What’s the difference between a bird with one wing and a bird with two?

It’s a matter of a pinion.

Tessisme · 25/01/2023 06:56

justcallmebozo · 24/01/2023 22:32

This one I remember from years ago, I think it was Bob Monkhouse.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father.................... not screaming in terror like his passengers!

Brilliant!

Christmasbaubleswithtinselon · 25/01/2023 07:03

Why did the toilet roll, roll down the hill?

To reach the bottom 😁

SinnerBoy · 25/01/2023 07:39

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 25/01/2023 10:59

Before you criticise somebody, first walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be at a safe distance and they'd have to chase you barefoot!

Two lawyers are walking home after a late session working on a case and are stopped by a mugger in a dark alleyway.
The mugger demands "Give me all your money!"
One of the lawyers reaches into his coat for his wallet and gives the other lawyer a wad of notes, saying "Sorry for the delay in repaying - here's that £3,000 I owe you!"

Two hikers have gone way off-track and have ended up near a jungle. Suddenly, off in the distance, they see a massive determined-looking lioness who has spotted them and is running in their direction.
One of the hikers reaches into her backpack to grab her trainers and swiftly changes from her walking boots into them.
The other hiker says "How on earth do you think that's going to help - do you really think you'll be able to outrun a lioness?!"
The first hiker replies "Nope, I know for a fact that I couldn't; but that doesn't matter - all I need to do is to outrun you!"

swimlyn · 25/01/2023 17:29

It was tough times under the ongoing Tory mismanagement, and the husband was going through the household receipts. "You should clean the house yourself woman," he said, "and that will save on the cleaning lady."
"You should also learn to cook and that will save on the cook," he said.
"And you should also learn to do the ironing so we won't need to pay the helper," he added.
"And you should learn to fuck," his wife said, "then we could get rid of the gardener."

Frazzledmummy123 · 25/01/2023 19:52

Why did the psychic cross the road? To get to the 'other side'.

Part 2...
While crossing the road, the psychic got got hit by a lorry. What was the first thing she said? "I never saw it coming".

mamaduckbone · 25/01/2023 20:07

What goes ha ha bonk?

A man laughing his head off.

justcallmebozo · 25/01/2023 20:12

A couple more from the Monkhouse

I still enjoy sex at 74............................... I live at 75, so it's no distance.

Personally, I don't think there is intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

BankOfDave · 25/01/2023 23:00

Tamarindtree · 23/01/2023 23:39

Two nuns driving along. They hear a thump from the roof. Sister Mary leans out to look.
Sister Mary: "There's a vampire on the roof of the car."
Sister Agnes: "Quick! Show him your cross!"
Sister Mary leans out again: "Oi you! Get off the fucking car!"

😂

So many good ones. Wish I could remember them.

Frazzledmummy123 · 26/01/2023 10:29

A man hears a knock at his door, and answers it to see a snail tryimg.to sell him something. He kicked the snail across to the other side of the garden and went back indoors. 2 weeks later, he hesrs a knock at the door and answers it to find the same snail who shouts "what did you do that for!"

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 26/01/2023 10:59

Two tourists find themselves hopelessly lost on a long rural lane in Devon, without a map and no signal for the satnav.
They spot a farmer leaning on the gate to an adjacent field and they ask him "Does it matter which way we go from here to get to Newton Abbot?"
The farmer stares at them for a moment and replies, before walking away back to work "Not to me, it don't!"

Mañanarama · 26/01/2023 11:03

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house…..
‘Knock knock!'
'Who's there?'
'The chicken!’

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 26/01/2023 11:05

Two cows are in a field and one asks the other "Are you worried about this mad cow disease that's been in the news?"
The other one replies "Not in the slightest - why would that be in the least bit relevant to a purple tumble dryer from Venus like me?!"

ITriedToStopSwearingButICunt · 26/01/2023 11:20

SinnerBoy · 24/01/2023 12:17

maximist · Yesterday 22:24

What's brown and sticky? A stick...

A definite favourite of mine, too!

Did you know that when Charles Dickens wrote A Tale of Two Cities, he published it in two different newspapers?

It was the Bicester Times and the Worcester Times.

If I had 50p for every maths test I'd failed, I’d have £6.30 now.

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.
No pun in ten did.

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster, but it made him more sluggish.

How much space was freed in the EU after Brexit?
Approximately 1 GB.

I’ve been trying to set up a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.

ITriedToStopSwearingButICunt · 26/01/2023 11:21

Sorry, meant to say I love the Dickens joke, @SinnerBoy !

SinnerBoy · 26/01/2023 11:53

Ah! I haven't heard your snail one before.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 26/01/2023 12:09

I was at a funeral and I went up to the bereaved family and said "Plethora".
They said "Thank you, we appreciate that - it means a lot."

DesertRose64 · 26/01/2023 12:21

How do you get Pokémon on a bus?

You Pushemon.