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What’s your favourite joke?

236 replies

Username721 · 23/01/2023 21:09

Just that. Will be stealing any decent ones. 😁

OP posts:
swimlyn · 02/02/2023 10:48

"I've put on some weight recently. DP says it's just puppy fat, but I've been eating other things as well."

Pootl · 02/02/2023 10:57

???

Pootl · 02/02/2023 10:58

Henry176 · 24/01/2023 12:36

A woman is walking down the street when she sees an advert in the shop window which reads, "Good Home Wanted for Clitoris Licking Frog."

The woman can't believe the advert, but goes in to ask.

There is a short, plump, hearings aids wearing elderly bloke behind the counter.

She walks in and asks him, "I've come about the Clitoris Licking Frog."

The old guy smiles and replies, "Oui, Madame."

???

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/02/2023 11:00

Bob is a newcomer who has just moved into a tiny rural village, and he's introducing himself and meeting all of his new neighbours. He discovers a quirk that a lot of people share the same few 'family' first names and so are distinguished by their job or some other individual trait.

After making the acquaintance of Jane the florist, Jane from the manor house, Jane the postwoman, Tom the butcher, Tall Tom, Tom with the moustache and all the rest, he meets a very old man on the edge of town and discovers that he, too, is called Tom. Bob asks if he has a commonly-used nickname to distinguish him and he replies, with a huge sigh:

"You see that beautiful orchard over there? I planted those trees all on my own, 75 years ago - but do they call me 'Tom the gardener'? You see the grand cast-iron village sign over there? I designed and built that all by myself, in 1946 - but do they call me 'Tom the blacksmith'? You see the village pump over there? I installed it single-handed when I was just 19, and brought fresh water to the village, long before we were connected to the mains - but do they call me 'Tom the plumber'?"

"And yet, a curious man has one single tender moment of intimacy with a sheep in the farmer's field, back in 1993...."

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/02/2023 11:11

A little girl who has a lisp goes into a pet shop and says to the assistant "Hello, mithter, could I pleath buy thicth of your mith?"

The man bends down and speaks softly to her - "Of course you can, sweetheart. Now, you have an important decision to make: do you want six of our little white mice, six lovely brown mice, three of each or a mixture?"

She smiles up at him sweetly and says "I don't really think that my python givth a thyiny thyit!"

SinnerBoy · 02/02/2023 12:08

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · Today 11:00

"And yet, a curious man has one single tender moment of intimacy with a sheep in the farmer's field, back in 1993...."

The version I know is, "But you shag ONE fucking sheep...

girlfriend44 · 02/02/2023 13:18

What do you call a man with a Johnny on his nose. Fuck nose.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/02/2023 13:40

The version I know is, "But you shag ONE fucking sheep...

Yes - but he's clearly minimising Grin

CoQ10 · 02/02/2023 19:16

Pootl · 02/02/2023 10:58

???

It's him! Frog is slang for French man...

Nagado · 02/02/2023 19:34

A man with two left feet walked into a shoe shop and asked for a pair of flip flips.

whizzpopping · 02/02/2023 21:56

Clawdy · 30/01/2023 20:09

Knock knock!

Who's there?
Euripides.
Euripides who?
Euripides trousers, you menda dese trousers!
( Said in a strong Italian accent!)

I think this one is meant to be more along these lines:

Man walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a pair of ripped trousers.

Tailor says, "Euripides?"
Man says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

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