What’s your favourite joke?

[Username721]

Just that. Will be stealing any decent ones. 😁

A man goes into a bakery and says: 'Can you mail a pie?' The baker says: 'Yeah, I think we could.' Then the man says: 'Well, could you bake the pie in the shape of the letter E?' And the baker says: 'Yeah, I think we could do that. Come back tomorrow, and we'll have it for you.' So the man comes back the next day, and the baker shows him the pie. The man says: 'You idiot! That's a big E. I wanted a small e, a small e!' So the baker says: 'No problem, come back tomorrow, and I'll see what I can do.' So the man comes back the next day, and the baker shows him the pie. The man says: 'Perfect, it's perfect.' Then the baker says: 'So where do you want me to send it?' And the man says: 'You know what, I think I'll eat it here.' (From Steve Martin's Picasso at the Lapin Agile.)

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", the manager said "Those are pickled onions".

Why do Marxists only use tea bags? Because all proper tea is theft. Tish, and indeed, boom.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick...

What ticks on the wall?

Ticky tape...

Sorry.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Thank you for that, I laughed so much!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

That never grows old. 😂

How do you make a man happy?

Who cares!

Do you want to hear my impression of puss in boots.

Meow, can I have a packet of paracetamol please.

What has four legs and can fly?

Two birds 😆

What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?

Ketchup

What do you call a snail with no shell?

L'ess Cargo

I don't get it and I really want to 😂how embarrassing

I don't get that one @notprincehamlet

How do you make a door laugh?

tickle it’s knob

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field

Me neither!

Me: hey, asshole, my eyes are up here!

Picasso: I disagree.

What did the O say to the Q?

For god's sake put it away, you perve!

Love that! 😂

Cat flaps are for pussies

Glad it's not just me!

This is my absolute favourite, thanks to Barry Crier .....

A man and his wife were waiting for a bus, when they saw a man at the bus stop on the opposite side of the road. 'That looks like the Archbishop of Canterbury over there,' says the wife. ' No, I don't think so', replies her husband

'Yes, yes it is,' says the wife, 'Go on, go over there and see if it is,' she adds.

'The husband crosses the road and asks the man if he is indeed the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The husband crosses back to his wife who asks 'What did he say? Is he the Archbishop of Canterbury?'

'He told me to f**k off,' says the husband.

'Oh no,' replies the wife, 'Now we'll never know'.'

Two nuns went for a tramp in the woods.
The poor bastard hasn't been the same since.

It's funny because the set-up takes you in one direction (you're distracted by the very specific pie instructions and what could be behind them!) and then the punchline comes from somewhere else (the absurdity of the man putting the baker to all that trouble just cos he fancied unceremoniously scoffing an e-shaped pie!)