What’s your favourite joke?

[Username721]

Just that. Will be stealing any decent ones. 😁

A dog walks into a pub and orders a pint.

The bar man says 'oh wow a talking dog? The circus is in town, you should go and have a chat to them...'

To which the dog replies, 'why, do they need an electrician?'

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

no one pays to have a lentil on their face!

My son’s favourites

Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrggghhh

Whats a pirate’s favourite vehicle?
a caarrrgghh

What’s a pirate’s favourite subject?
aaaarrrrrggghhht

What’s a pirate’s favourite shop?
aaaarrrrrgggghhhhhos

continue as long as you can be bothered - people will start guessing the answers…
^^
finish with…

What’s a pirate’s favourites letter?

Your audience will say Arrrggghh

Nay! A pirate's first love be the C!

A classic Tommy Cooper gag

”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant?

Angus McOatup.

A man is in a church repairing the back of a statue of Christ. An old lady comes in and falls on her knees praying to the statue of Mary next to it. The man, knowing she can't see him, says in a deep voice "Bless you, my child!"
She replies "Shut yer mouth, lad! I'm talking to yer mam!"

I have read this three times and I still don't get it...

Genius! 😂

@garlictwist I thought it was because he was so fussy about it, you assumed the details were important, but when he ate it there, you realised it was absurd.

The 'e' mailing bit did make me wonder if there's more to the joke though, but then I guess that's how the baker in the story felt?

Two hippos standing in a river.

One says to the other "I keep thinking it's Tuesday"

I thought it was because he was so fussy about it, you assumed the details were important, but when he ate it there, you realised it was absurd.

I think it's one of those 'jokes' which might be funny performed by Steve Martin but which doesn't really work on the page.

Why didn't Cleopatra need therapy?

Because she was the Queen of de Nile!

Made me laugh

There are three dogs sitting in the waiting room at the Vets.

The Jack Russell sadly tells the others, ‘I keep escaping out of the garden and chasing cats and causing traffic accidents so I’m here to be put to sleep.’

The Collie says, ‘I’ve bitten my owners grandchildren so I’m here to be put to sleep.’

The Great Dane tells them why he is there. ‘My attractive owner was running a bath and she took off all her clothes and as she bent over to turn the tap off, I mounted her from behind. I’m here to have my nails trimmed.’

maximist · Yesterday 22:24

What's brown and sticky? A stick...

A definite favourite of mine, too!

Did you know that when Charles Dickens wrote A Tale of Two Cities, he published it in two different newspapers?

It was the Bicester Times and the Worcester Times.

A woman is walking down the street when she sees an advert in the shop window which reads, "Good Home Wanted for Clitoris Licking Frog."

The woman can't believe the advert, but goes in to ask.

There is a short, plump, hearings aids wearing elderly bloke behind the counter.

She walks in and asks him, "I've come about the Clitoris Licking Frog."

The old guy smiles and replies, "Oui, Madame."

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because he couldn't get out of the chicken.

My DDs current favourite from Alexa:

How much does a rainbow weigh?
Not much, they're actually pretty light.

More memory jogging (from above) for me:

What do you call an Indian cloakroom attendant?
Mahatma Coat.

A dog goes into a post office. ‘I would like to send a telegram please.'
‘Certainly, start now.'
‘Woof, woof woof… Woof, woof woof… Woof, woof woof.'
‘Did you know sir, that you can send ten words for the same price. Why not put another woof on the end?'
The dog stared at the postmaster. ‘That would make no sense at all!'

How long does it take to walk two tiny dogs?

About chihuahuas

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To visit the beautiful woman*
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Not the chicken!

Replace 'beautiful woman' with any characteristic that might be relevant to the recipient. This is DS10's favourite joke EVER

I went to the zoo yesterday. I was excited to see the lions, tigers and pandas. But there weren't any! There was just a single dog. It was a Shih Tzu 🤣

What do you get if you cross a duck with an avocado?

Quackamole

I applaud the commitment to terrible jokes here. I've very much enjoyed (most) of them.

Steve Martin' absurdism doesn't really translate to the written word, I think.

Anyway...

I don't like those Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.