What’s your favourite joke?

[Username721]

Just that. Will be stealing any decent ones. 😁

What's Brown and Sticky?
A stick!!

What's Green and smells like pork?
Kermit the frogs finger 🙈

A penguin walked into a bar.
Ouch

What did Mr haggis say to Mrs haggis?

Shaggis!

A man gets home from work and finds his wife is already there, jumping up and down with excitement.
She screams "Start packing your bags - I've just won £15million on the lottery!"
With a huge grin on his face, he asks "Shall I pack for a hot climate or a cold climate?"
She replies "I couldn't care less - just F off out of my life, you miserable old bugger!!"

Oh and what's the most common owl in the UK?
The teet.....
Tea towel 🤣

Ant & Dec are invited to a big celebrity garden party at Buckingham Palace and Camilla is doing the rounds with a massive tray of sandwiches and canapes.
She asks "Would you two boys like a cucumber sandwich or a meringue?"
They reply in unison "No, you're absolutely not wrang, pet - we'd love a cucumber sandwich!"

What was Amy Winehouse's favourite London Underground station?
High Barnet.

I bumped into the Chuckle Brothers once at an agricultural show and livestock auction.
Barry was trying to reverse a massive trailer in a very confined space and Paul was going to meet a ewe.

Oh and what's the most common owl in the UK?
The teet.....
Tea towel

Talking of which....

Percy Shaw came up with a genius idea when he saw a cat walking towards him at night and that led to him inventing the revolutionary 'cat's eyes' highway safety device.
However, our Percy was never one to miss an opportunity; and even if the cat had been walking away from him, he would still have been inspired to invent the tea towel holder."

Have you ever had a parrot on your left shoulder?
No
Have you ever had a parrot on your right shoulder?
No
Open your mouth
….😮….
I bet you’ve had a cockatoo in there!

Where do you find a dog with no legs ?

Where you left it.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in cherry trees.

How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.

A rabbit walks into a bookshop, goes up to the counter, loudly drums his paws on the counter - BA-BA-BA-BAM!! - and asks "Have you got any carrots?"
The assistant says "Sorry, I'm afraid not - we only sell books".
The rabbit goes in again the next day, loudly drums his paws on the counter again - BA-BA-BA-BAM!! - and asks once more "Have you got any carrots?"
The assistant says "NO, we don't - this is a BOOKshop!"
The rabbit keeps going in every day for a week - every time loudly drumming his paws on the counter - BA-BA-BA-BAM!! - and asking the increasingly angry assistant "Have you got any carrots?". Eventually, the assistant screams at him and shouts "If you come in here to this BOOKSHOP once more, drum on the counter and ask if we've got any carrots, I'm going to gaffer tape your paws tightly to the counter to stop you once and for all, you IDIOT!!"
The rabbit waits a month and then walks slowly in to the shop again, just stands there quietly and asks the assistant "Have you got any gaffer tape?"
The assistant has been very busy since he last came in and is completely taken aback by this request and says "Erm, no, no, we don't have any gaffer tape in this bookshop whatsoever. Why on earth would you ask that?"
The rabbit jumps up and runs to the counter and says, "Well, then, in that case...." - BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BAM!!!! "Have you got any carrots?!?!"

A pair of ducks have just got married and arrive at their honeymoon hotel, ready for a memorable evening. They check in and go up to the bridal suite, when the male duck realises that he forgot to bring any condoms, so he goes back down to reception and asks if, perchance, they might have a multi-pack.
"Of course, Sir" whispers the receptionist, discreetly, "Do you want me to put them on your bill?"
"How very, very dare you?!" screams the angry drake - "Do you think I'm some kind of filthy pervert?!?!"

What's invisible and isn't yellow?
No bananas.

Username721

There's a related joke to that one, where a man calls 999 in a panic and gabbles "I was driving fast, near the woods at the edge of town, and I accidentally hit a deer - what should I do?!?!"
The operator says "Don't worry, Sir, calm down, it's sad but these things happen. Tell me: do you have a heavy, solid item in your car?"
"Yes," says the driver - "I play with the local baseball team on Saturday mornings, so I still have my bat in the boot".
"Ah, excellent," says the operator, "Use the bat to deliver a firm blow to put the deer out of any misery and pain".
A loud WHAAAACK!!!! can be heard and then the man comes back on the phone. "Thank you, all done. Just one last question: what should I do with her shopping trolley?!"

....that one works best orally, obviously!

A font walks into a bar.
The barman says, 'Sorry, we don't serve your type in here.'

Why did Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?
Because property is theft.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Why did the baker have smelly fingers?

Because she needed a poo!

<another one that works best orally>

Q: How do you change a duck into a soul singer?
A: You put it in a microwave until its bill withers.

Little Johnny was lost at a large shopping centre. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer, and women with big tits."

'Doctor, I have a compulsion to keep singing 'The green, green grass of home'

Doc: ' ah yes, you have Tom Jones syndrome

'Is it common?'

Doc: 'it's not unusual'

(Waits for applause)

Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?

Because if he didn't, he'd be called Ewar Woowar

I thought I would see my joke on here but I haven’t so here goes;

How many eggs does a French man have for breakfast?

one, because un oeuf is enough

😂

🤣
Took me a second....

🤣

What does a cockney pay for shampoo?

Pantene

What's the difference between people from Saudi Arabia and those from Abu Dhabi?

Those from Saudi Arabia dont like Flintstones but those from Abu Dhabi do.

Mummy mummy, there's a man at the door with a bill.

Don't be silly dear it must be a duck with a hat on.

That's the best!