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Original poster

Friend and her BIG house

258 replies

subtoprem · 17/01/2023 06:19

I have a friend I met through a hobby about five years ago.

She lives in a big house that I've been to quite a few times, so I'm fully aware, but she drops it in conversation all the time. Is this weird?

Eg. I moan about having some cleaning to do, her "think yourself lucky you don't have to clean my big house!"

Conversation about when our kids were growing up "well, I've been lucky living in a big house, so much easier with space"

Inane chat about the size of her dog "yes, I'm so glad I have a big house!"

Seriously, it gets shoehorned into a conversation every time we meet (maybe once a month)

I don't care about the size of her house 😂

OP posts:
grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 17/01/2023 09:23

If she inherited the house, maybe she isn't totally happy with the house. It's not like she chose it herself. So, I think she maybe resenting it, as other poster said, and it comes out, like when you talk about cleaning.
Maybe she is trying to convince herself that she is indeed lucky to have the house, while maintaining it is actually a hard work and she doesn't enjoy it.

2Hot2Handle · 17/01/2023 09:24

Maybe you could stop the constant mentions at the next opportunity, with a “you mention that you struggle to cope with the size of your house. Have you ever thought of downsizing to something you’d like better?”

If she’s bragging, it might stop her making future remarks, if she thinks her comments are coming across as her being worse off/unhappy.

Izipizi · 17/01/2023 09:24

Are you sure she is stealth boasting and not just genuinely moaning? A bigger house is a pain to maintain and clean. I apologize to the cleaner sometimes for the size as I know it’s a lot for her to do all in one go. She might just be genuinely annoyed with the house’s size—especially if she inherited it—and just isn’t thinking that complaining might come across like bragging to some people.

Cats23 · 17/01/2023 09:24

A friends husband was like this, mentioned it whenever he was with anyone that would listen,also mentioned holidays, cars ect each time too.
I put it down to him being quite a short man and "bigging' himself up to make up for it!

Notformethankyoukindly · 17/01/2023 09:27

Swissmountains · 17/01/2023 08:40

I wonder why on earth she doesn't hire people to help?

Or is her house maintenance a very convenient excuse to getting out of doing things she doesn't want to do I wonder.....If you are running a mansion most people can stretch financially to staff and help to look after it, I suspect she does have a varied life that perhaps she isn't sharing with you/others for some reason.

Maybe she feels judged, so she pretends to do it all herself.

Show quote history

She has a cleaner and an army of gardeners, but she makes a big fuss of the time it takes to manage them - and she does basically full time garden in the summer. Plus there’s another big house in the city that she does everything for. Just…why??? She points out every time I see her that she came from nothing - so yes it’s affirmation/validation etc I suppose - but such a waste of a life

bonzaitree · 17/01/2023 09:29

Gosh she sounds very dull.

I think “want to swap?” Is the correct response to be honest.

Fairyliz · 17/01/2023 09:32

I’ve got a friend whose daughter went to Oxford to study. Now of course that’s a pretty big achievement and you would want everyone to know.
However she still manages to shoehorn it into every conversation, despite the fact that her daughter finished her degree 10 years ago. So for example, we will be talking about how food prices seem to be rising every week and she will say ‘when X was at Oxford she shopped at Sainsbury’s’.
I just play Oxford bingo now and count up how many times she mentions it.

Wishimaywishimight · 17/01/2023 09:33

I'd be tempted to say "Gosh, do you have a big house? You've never mentioned it." and hope she saw the funny side (and became more aware of how boring she was being)!

AreOttersJustWetCats · 17/01/2023 09:34

OfCourseDimSum · 17/01/2023 09:14

I live in a 3 bed semi though it is a decent size I grew up in a 6 bed house with a 2 bed servants quarters attached to it and DH grew up in a 5 bed house that had an in and out drive in a road. So we do feel as if out house is small but to my knowledge when people asked I say I grew up in a large very cold house that was beautiful but a nightmare to live in.

The complaining about cleaning an old big house is quite justified because it’s bloody awful.

"When people asked"??

I've genuinely never heard someone explicitly ask another person what size or type of house they grew up in. You're probably dropping it into conversation in the same way that the OP's friend is. 😂

WandaWonder · 17/01/2023 09:35

Wishimaywishimight · 17/01/2023 09:33

I'd be tempted to say "Gosh, do you have a big house? You've never mentioned it." and hope she saw the funny side (and became more aware of how boring she was being)!

I was going to suggest this but you put it better

Iamthewombat · 17/01/2023 09:36

KickHimInTheCrotch · 17/01/2023 09:01

In our old house we had the biggest garden on the street. Not bragging but we did, it was end of terrace and twice the size of the others. I used to mention it from time to time eg duribg lockdown we could spend all day out there, eating, camping, building obstacle courses and dens. I don't see it as bragging, just having a conversation. Is no one allowed to mention anything that sets them apart? Your friend probably feels a bit embarrassed about her inherited house.

The big house bragging apologists have arrived! It was only a matter of time.

Alondra · 17/01/2023 09:37

EveryLittleWish · 17/01/2023 09:12

Unless you are well off , I don’t always associate a big house as a good thing . They can be expensive to renovate or decorate & more timely to clean. It could be a bad execution of your friend having a moan but also trying to be positive?

I don't think myself as well off but having a big house is something I treasure. It allowed us during the Covid lockdowns to maintain privacy in our household - me and Dh and two children (one of which was an adult), and maintaining our mental health.

We had many conversations with friends living in apartments in Sydney CBD, and how they had enough of being restricted to an apartment when we had a big garden and were living in a suburb where we could walk for a couple of hours everyday without crossing another human, which was allowed. These were normal conversations between friends - I wasn't trying to say "how big my house was".

It's why I said to the OP that context is important and, even more important, to raise the issue of her "light hearted" resentment with her friend. There is always two sides to the story and frankly, considering the OP prefers to post on MN instead of talking with her friend, says a lot to me.

Iamthewombat · 17/01/2023 09:37

SillySausage81 · 17/01/2023 09:02

Is she definitely bragging, or is she just making conversation and commenting on her life? If she grew up in a smaller house than the one she currently lives in, or if she spent her early adult years in much smaller flats and houses, then it could just be that the comparison is constantly on her mind (and not necessarily always in a good way).

A year and a half ago I moved away from an expensive city where me and all my friends were living in cramped 1 or 2 bed city centre flats, and now (for less money) I am living in a medium-sized 3 bed Victorian terrace. So not a mansion by any means, but it certainly feels it compared to what we were used to, and I am still making daily mental comparisons, both good and bad (costs more to heat, takes longer to clean, more space for our stuff, more physical effort going up and down stairs all day, harder to find things you've mislaid...)

Oh also, my husband grew up in a house about 5 times bigger (his parents weren't rich either, they're just from another country where there's more space so land is cheaper) and he is always going on about the difference between our house and his parents' house. It gets irritating sometimes because he makes it sound like it's a massive hardship living in such a (in his eyes) teeny tiny house, when our current house is bigger than the one I grew up in and I never felt like that was a hardship at all, but I know for a fact he's not saying it to brag at all, he's just commenting on what he sees as an objective fact - our house is smaller than his mum's, and it is easier to have family to stay if you've got three guest bedrooms!

Here’s another one (big house bragging apologist). They are just stating facts, see.

HelloBunny · 17/01/2023 09:37

I have a friend who just bought a McMansion. It’s actually huge! For her, DH & daughter.

Other friend, with perfectly nice three bedroom terrace (with extension) can’t get over it. She’s the one who keeps mentioning first friend’s fancy new pad. Keeps saying her own house is practically a Wendy house... She has two sons & DH. Plenty of space!

I live in a flat, that I don’t own. But I don’t care about their money (parents gifting), houses, cars etc... But it’s all they ever talk about.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 17/01/2023 09:39

Iamthewombat · 17/01/2023 09:36

The big house bragging apologists have arrived! It was only a matter of time.

Show quote history

It's what makes this thread hilarious though!

They're all so keen to tell us about their additional living room, the pile they grew up in, or that they know from experience what a nightmare big houses are to clean... 😂

Swissmountains · 17/01/2023 09:40

One friend memorably said 'at least you won't need to worry about mowing the lawn, you can probably get away with some nail scissors'

Genuinely choked on my wine hearing that in someone's first ever home gazing out at the postage stamp of a garden.

HelloBunny · 17/01/2023 09:41

Plus as well, small places easier to clean? Um, you should see my flat (or please don’t). Stuff everywhere!

MiserableOldHag · 17/01/2023 09:43

Iateallthechips · 17/01/2023 06:52

Oh God. I had a friend like that. Always going on about her “big house”. Every bloody conversation.

When we bought a house (a three bed semi, eve horror!) she came round and kept saying how it was sweet “for a small family” and used to make ducking movements when she went though a normal sized door and used to do exaggerated squeezing against the wall motions like Hyacinth Bucket if you walked into a normal, 12x12 foot room and He would say, “oh gosh. I am just used to my big rooms!”

It was tedious.

😂😂😂😂 love it!

Pigtailsandall · 17/01/2023 09:48

Like PPs have said, I think this kind of odd bragging almost always comes from insecurity. I have a friend who always shoehorns her "new build" flat into every conversation - as in, new builds are better because they retain heat better, they have a balcony, the living space is planned out better, there's at least two loos as a standard etc etc. and gasping in mock horror when she visits my Victorian terrace that only has one bathroom ("But how do you cope??"). My favourite was when she saw that we had a microwave on the kitchen counter and she said that she thanked her lucky stars every day that her new build had an built-in microwave in a cupboard because she "couldn't cope with a microwave on a counter". But she's otherwise a nice person - just very adamant to tell everyone she lives in a fab new build.

Lifeisapeach · 17/01/2023 09:48

If you’re not blown over by her house yet it keeps coming up. I would casually say something along the lines of…. "Goodness it is a big house, but when will you get round to decorating/modernising/putting your own stamp on it etc. it’s huge but i guess it will take you a long time to do everything that needs doing. I couldn't be bothered by that!"

SillySausage81 · 17/01/2023 09:48

Iamthewombat · 17/01/2023 09:37

Here’s another one (big house bragging apologist). They are just stating facts, see.

Show quote history

Why are you so keen to see the worst possible motive in every interaction?

Tbqh, when I encounter someone who thinks everyone else is bragging all the time just for making a passing comment that's relevant to the conversation, I just assume that you think having a big house makes someone a better person, and that's why you assume they are "bragging" if they mention it. It says much more about you than them.

(I've already mentioned the biggest house I've ever lived in is still probably smaller than the average British home, so you know I've got nothing to brag about).

Climbles · 17/01/2023 09:49

I’m from a modest background but now live in a ‘big house’ I feel embarrassed by it and find my self saying things to acknowledge my privilege that are awkward or braggy. I just don’t want people to think I don’t know how lucky I am but I’m terrible at it. I tell my self just to say nothing but then end up doing it again.

EveryLittleWish · 17/01/2023 09:49

@Alondra fair !!

littleburn · 17/01/2023 09:53

When living in a 'big house' becomes part of your personality I'd take it as a sign you really need to get some hobbies!

Mirabai · 17/01/2023 09:54

SillySausage81 · 17/01/2023 09:48

Why are you so keen to see the worst possible motive in every interaction?

Tbqh, when I encounter someone who thinks everyone else is bragging all the time just for making a passing comment that's relevant to the conversation, I just assume that you think having a big house makes someone a better person, and that's why you assume they are "bragging" if they mention it. It says much more about you than them.

(I've already mentioned the biggest house I've ever lived in is still probably smaller than the average British home, so you know I've got nothing to brag about).

Show quote history

Yeah I just think they’re really insecure.

I moan about my flat being small because it causes logistical problems. Big houses have their own logistical probs.

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