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Original poster

Rude not to invite someone we haven't met to our wedding?

158 replies

cuminpotato · 14/01/2023 13:47

We've sent out save the dates.

DP sent to his cousin, and received a reply along the lines of 'Me and Gabby would love to come!' (not her real name).

Neither of us have met Gabby. I haven't met the cousin,and DP only sees him for big family events eg. funerals. Weddings are expensive and we had not budgeted for the addition of partners we do not know.

Is it OK to tell him Gabby isn't invited? Or do we have to suck it up and invite strangers(!)

If ok to not invite Gabby, and if so, how do we tell the cousin?

Some other cousins may have partners there, which may make things trickier.

OP posts:
Nitgel · 14/01/2023 13:49

Surely wedding invites are plus 1

Flowersonthewall123 · 14/01/2023 13:50

For me it depends, is it a new relationship or are they married.

If married it’s kinda an unwritten rule to invite both but if it’s a new relationship it’s a grey area esp if they have other people they know coming.

I had DH friends partners who I had never met come to our wedding.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 14/01/2023 13:50

‘We’re so sorry but we’re unable to extend to plus 1’s at this stage. Should this change, we will of course extend the invitation’

Interested in this thread?

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Weddings
MincePiesAreMyJam · 14/01/2023 13:51

Nitgel · 14/01/2023 13:49

Surely wedding invites are plus 1

If we had given a plus 1 to those at our wedding we wouldn't have been able to invite all those we did know and wanted to see.

Invites are for the person named on it, don't be rude and assume you can bring people who aren't invited.

Parentandteacher · 14/01/2023 13:52

You can say no, but you would be very weird to do so if this is a live in partner or spouse.

WildFlowerBees · 14/01/2023 13:53

My invites weren't plus one, if you were invited all names were written on the invite. A friend had a new boyfriend of two weeks and wanted to bring him, given we were paying stupid money per head and our wedding wasn't huge we said no and she was fine with it.

I think people forget this is yours and your dps day, it isn't about everyone else it's a day for you both and you can invite or not who who you like.

Politely explain the invite is for the cousin only.

thunderstruckk · 14/01/2023 13:53

Invites are for the named person - if the partner wasn't on the invite, it's not an invite for them imo.

Perfectly polite to say that unfortunately numbers don't allow for plus ones currently, you'll let him know if that changes. It's rude of him to assume she's invited without being named or a plus one being popped on the invite!

MsFogi · 14/01/2023 13:54

It all depends if he met Gabby last week or if Gabby is his wife/long term partner/lives with him/mother of his children...

stealthninjamum · 14/01/2023 13:54

Op I’d wait and if they’re the only person who has invited themselves I’d invite them. Presumably there’ll be people who can’t go and you’ll be in a better position to make a decision in a couple of weeks when those people have responded.

Original poster
cuminpotato · 14/01/2023 13:55

Theyre not married but in a relationship (not a new one)

As it was just a save the date via whatsapp and no invite has been sent, there was no name specifically attached. Invites when sent will have names.

I haven't been invited to weddings DP has been invited to and personally it doesn't bother me. Maybe others would not feel the same

OP posts:
DirectionToPerfection · 14/01/2023 13:57

It would be normal to give a plus one and not expect him to attend on his own.

SwedishEdith · 14/01/2023 13:57

How long have they been together? If an established couple, it would be weird not to invite her. I would have thought wedding invites took plus 1s into account when calculating numbers.

Tulipomania · 14/01/2023 13:57

If Gabby is his long-term partner and they live together you should invite her.

If not then there is no need.

Either way the cousin was being a bit presumptuous in his response.

Whataretheodds · 14/01/2023 13:57

Reply "who's Gabby?"

(did you know he was in a relationship with Gabby? How long have they been together?) Yes it's rude to assume a plus one invitation when one hasn't been issued. It's also rude to invite someone to a wedding without their spouse/fiancé/live-in partner. I have previously been to weddings that were explicitly 'no ring, no bring'. Some boyfriends/girlfriends were invited in their own right.

Tulipomania · 14/01/2023 13:58

I don't agree that 'plus ones' are the norm at a wedding. The cousin is family so will know others at the wedding. It depends on numbers and budgets of course, but I would only invite a plus one if the other person was unlikely to know anyone else at the wedding.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 14/01/2023 14:00

Did you know of "Gabby"'s existence before sending out the save the date?

Susanthehappytrottingelf · 14/01/2023 14:00

I have never had a generic "plus one" to a wedding - only named partners when the couple knows them.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 14/01/2023 14:01

How long have they been a couple?

SwedishEdith · 14/01/2023 14:01

Whataretheodds · 14/01/2023 13:57

Reply "who's Gabby?"

(did you know he was in a relationship with Gabby? How long have they been together?) Yes it's rude to assume a plus one invitation when one hasn't been issued. It's also rude to invite someone to a wedding without their spouse/fiancé/live-in partner. I have previously been to weddings that were explicitly 'no ring, no bring'. Some boyfriends/girlfriends were invited in their own right.

Did it actually say that? 😃 That would be a nice easy way to have no angst about how to word the decline message.

Greeneyegirl · 14/01/2023 14:03

Our rule was if we hadnt met them or didnt know their last name they werent invited. We had a similar issue with my uncle wanting to bring along a gf of 6 months to our wedding! We didnt know her last name let alone met her. We said no.

EarringsandLipstick · 14/01/2023 14:04

But her DH-to-be of course knows about Gabby - it's not a new relationship.

Yes, you should invite her. However, if you were inviting say, his mum & dad, the invite could go out as a family one. In our family it's sometimes been parents + eldest cousin (No plus ones in that case)

It's really rude to ask someone directly on their own, who has a partner.

DirectionToPerfection · 14/01/2023 14:07

Plus ones for partners are absolutely the norm where I live (and yes in most cases they would be named on the invite).

Obviously this was different during Covid when there were restrictions on numbers.

GlobetrottingPercy · 14/01/2023 14:08

I have been the Gabby in this situation and it still makes me cringe to this day. I had been with DH for 1 year when the invites came out and it was clearly addressed to DH, MIL, BIL and SIL only. I had never met his cousin and like your DH, DH only saw him for funerals and big events probably once every 6 years and so it wasn’t a massive issue for me, I certainly didn’t raise it with DH. Before I knew it, MIL had called her sister (grooms mum) to ask whether it was an oversight that I wasn’t on it and to confirm that I would be attending (they didn’t even know I existed). I felt so awkward all day and the worst bit was that they had a family photo with that side of the family so I offered to hold the bags / coats while they all went off for it and MIL replied with ‘what do you mean, you are in it!’. Bride and Groom looked extremely awkward and then rallied and said of course I would be in it and please do join them. Even writing this makes my toes curl.

It’s possible Gabby may completely understand why she isn’t invited but it would be good to rectify this now and explain that there is limited and so you cannot extend the invites to people that you have never met. Worst case scenario is that he is so offended he refuses to come, how would DH feel about that?

Tamarindtree · 14/01/2023 14:08

Could you not message and say that as you haven’t met Gabby it would seem strange having her at the wedding so would they like to meet up beforehand?

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 14:09

Rather than do plus one for everybody, if we knew people had a “plus one” we invited them whether we knew them or not. It did mean we missed a couple though.