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Original poster

Rude not to invite someone we haven't met to our wedding?

158 replies

cuminpotato · 14/01/2023 13:47

We've sent out save the dates.

DP sent to his cousin, and received a reply along the lines of 'Me and Gabby would love to come!' (not her real name).

Neither of us have met Gabby. I haven't met the cousin,and DP only sees him for big family events eg. funerals. Weddings are expensive and we had not budgeted for the addition of partners we do not know.

Is it OK to tell him Gabby isn't invited? Or do we have to suck it up and invite strangers(!)

If ok to not invite Gabby, and if so, how do we tell the cousin?

Some other cousins may have partners there, which may make things trickier.

OP posts:
QueSyrahSyrah · 14/01/2023 14:36

Did you know about Gabby despite not having met her? We invited everyone that was in a relationship of around 6 months or more standing, whether we'd met the partner or not.

The only people invited without +1s were those who were single (and there were a good few of them who all knew each other well, so nobody was attending 'alone'). Nobody stayed overnight and we paid for transport to and from, so nobody suffered any additional costs for not having someone to split them with.

The one request for a +1 that we knocked back was a partner of about 2 weeks that we'd never heard of until we were asked if he could come to the wedding. In hindsight we should have just said yes as we have now met him and enjoy his company 🤷🏼‍♀️

aureus3012 · 14/01/2023 14:43

Think it also depends on the circumstances of your wedding. My step brother is getting married in May. If it was local I wouldn't be bothered about my boyfriend being there or not. But it's a 4.5 hour drive away so I don't think I'd go if he wasn't invited. I don't want to be in a hotel for 2 nights on my own and have to drive all that way. I see my boyfriend being a part of my family in the future so I want him to experience these events and get to know people.

SmileWithADimple · 14/01/2023 14:51

If they're in a long term relationship it would be unusual not to invite her. It's your decision of course, but I think you'll offend her/them if you don't invite her, so it's up to you whether you want that.

Completely different if they've only been dating for a few months.

Interested in this thread?

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Weddings
Rickandmortified100 · 14/01/2023 14:51

It’s inappropriate to not give a wedding guest a plus one

MelchiorsMistress · 14/01/2023 14:53

It’s a bit mean not to invite long term partners, especially if family members.

wedding invitations without a plus one are for work colleagues or social groups that would go together.

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/01/2023 14:59

Rickandmortified100 · 14/01/2023 14:51

It’s inappropriate to not give a wedding guest a plus one

Depends on the circumstances. When I was single I'd have found it odd to receive a +1, who am I supposed to take, just a random friend?

ThePear · 14/01/2023 15:04

The cousin would presumably be sitting at a table full of relatives. Wedding guests are so expensive, someone as distant to be a cousin’s girlfriend is just getting in to pisstaking levels. Where would it end? How many strangers would OP be expected to fund for the sake of the very outdated concept of ‘plus ones’?

CornishGem1975 · 14/01/2023 15:05

I would always send a 'plus one' as weddings are a drag if you're on your own, and I want my guests to have a nice time.

AngelinaFibres · 14/01/2023 15:07

No ring no bring

Zonder · 14/01/2023 15:07

We invited long standing partners and have been invited to all weddings together apart from workplace weddings where one of us would be invited along with colleagues who also came on their own.

For a family member I would expect to invite a long term partner.

Outfor150 · 14/01/2023 15:08

It is just the name/s on the invitation that are invited. If the name isn’t on there, you are not invited. Definitely never a “plus one”. Completely not normal to have a plus-one on the invite. The girlfriend shouldn’t be invited.

Mydogatemypurse · 14/01/2023 15:11

Ive been to a couple of weddings where the invite was for me only. I respected the choice of the couple, its fine... just tell him its a single invite. He shouldnt have just assumed. If he needs to travel and desperately can't leave gabby alone could you invite them both to the evening instead?

WeAllHaveWings · 14/01/2023 15:11

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/01/2023 14:59

Depends on the circumstances. When I was single I'd have found it odd to receive a +1, who am I supposed to take, just a random friend?

Show quote history

I thought only singles got "plus ones" though. If you were not single the invite would be to "Que and John".

It has been ages since I was single and actually got wedding invites that said "Wings and Guest" or "Wings and plus one", but when I was single they all said it

Has the definition of a plus one changed or its it just the recent emphasis and priority on expensive Instagram worthy venues and frills that make guests (especially family!) partners unaffordable?

Thesonglastslonger · 14/01/2023 15:14

It’s extremely rude to invite someone to a wedding but tell them they can’t bring their partner. If course your DP’s cousin assumed the invite was for two: that is standard. Going to a wedding alone is boring and lonely. Maybe ok if you have a big group of family/friends there but certainly not the norm.

If you can’t afford to host partners, then the usual thing is to include partners but have a smaller wedding, either less guests or a less posh event.

If you simply can’t / won’t host partners then you need to make that clear at the outset. Here you are inviting some cousins’ partners but not others?! Not ok and will create bad feeling and perhaps a family row.

rookiemere · 14/01/2023 15:17

If they are living together she should have been invited.

TeenDivided · 14/01/2023 15:18

The problem is it was a save the date by What's App not a formal invitation.
An invitation would have the names of the invited on it, a what's app message may not have done, hence confusion.

If she has been around long enough for you to know who she is it's probably worth inviting. But if save the dates have been sent to all and sundry this could become an issue.

Greeneyegirl · 14/01/2023 15:24

@YaWeeFurryBastard my family is very welcoming thanks, so much so they keep multiplying! Our immediate family (parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins) were 67 people. If those who had been dating someone a few months bought along their gf/bf we wouldn't have had friends there at all. As it happened uncles gf did eventually come as our wedding was postponed 3 times due to lockdowns and by the time we were married we had met her several times and knew her well.

Sorry but if i don't know your last name im not spending £100 odd on your for a days food or drink.

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/01/2023 15:27

@WeAllHaveWings Well yes, at our wedding everyone was 'Jane & Tom' etc, except those we knew (or believed) were single who got 'Jane' or 'Tom' - but they all knew each other very well.

I never had a 'Que + 1' when I was single, but also I've never attended a wedding where I didn't know any of the other guests.

RosieRainbow1986 · 14/01/2023 15:29

We had a rule that we didn't invite partners we hadn't met - this was paetners of friends and may have been different if family and a serious relationship. I'm glad we did this now as none are still together and they'd have been in all of our photos!

RosieRainbow1986 · 14/01/2023 15:31

I should clarify, if they weren't married. If they were then we would have.

It's your wedding and entirely upto you what you do!

Justawaterformeplease · 14/01/2023 15:33

harrassedmumto3 · 14/01/2023 14:32

Don't reply with "who's Gabby?"
If you don't want to invite her, just say, but don't be shitty and rude about it. It is perfectly obvious who Gabby would be, and it's not someone he has grabbed off the street 🙄

Show quote history

Grabbied off the street, you might say…

Lulu2171 · 14/01/2023 15:34

Tulipomania · 14/01/2023 13:58

I don't agree that 'plus ones' are the norm at a wedding. The cousin is family so will know others at the wedding. It depends on numbers and budgets of course, but I would only invite a plus one if the other person was unlikely to know anyone else at the wedding.

Spot on

gogohmm · 14/01/2023 15:38

I've never had a wedding invite that expected me (or him) to go alone even if the other person doesn't know the person getting married. If I receive an invitation i would asymmetric it's for us as a couple unless they explicitly said otherwise

Dacadactyl · 14/01/2023 15:38

I had this exact same situation with a cousin and a friend. Neither of them told us they were brining a plus one!

My cousin brought her boyfriend (now husband) to the sit down meal and full day do. But 2 of her siblings couldn't make it so I supposed she thought there were 2 spaces available. When I realised he was there, our venue thankfully catered for him after I rushed to them to ask if they could.

My friend brought a plus one to the evening do (a friend of hers that i had met before but who hadnt been invited in his own right to our wedding). We had a buffet in the eve so no catering issues there.

If you can afford it, I'd personally suck it up. If you can't afford it I'd just ring the cousin and say "I'm really sorry, we are only giving plus ones for people who we know have partners and whose partners we have met. I'd love to meet Gabby, we will have to arrange a meal out acter the wedding"

Tigger7654 · 14/01/2023 15:40

I can't imagine asking one of my cousins to come alone to my wedding and not bring their partner whether you've met them or not. This isn't a great way to start married life 😳 YABVU

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