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Original poster

Rude not to invite someone we haven't met to our wedding?

158 replies

cuminpotato · 14/01/2023 13:47

We've sent out save the dates.

DP sent to his cousin, and received a reply along the lines of 'Me and Gabby would love to come!' (not her real name).

Neither of us have met Gabby. I haven't met the cousin,and DP only sees him for big family events eg. funerals. Weddings are expensive and we had not budgeted for the addition of partners we do not know.

Is it OK to tell him Gabby isn't invited? Or do we have to suck it up and invite strangers(!)

If ok to not invite Gabby, and if so, how do we tell the cousin?

Some other cousins may have partners there, which may make things trickier.

OP posts:
FKATondelayo · 14/01/2023 15:41

I was pressured to invite a plus-one of DH's friends neither of us had met and it's one of my biggest regrets. He turned out to be a fucking dick. Never invite anyone you haven't met and vetted.

Dacadactyl · 14/01/2023 15:43

Tigger7654 · 14/01/2023 15:40

I can't imagine asking one of my cousins to come alone to my wedding and not bring their partner whether you've met them or not. This isn't a great way to start married life 😳 YABVU

I have lots of cousins and they were all invited and all knew each other and tons of the other guests.

I would only give plus ones if the person coming didn't know anyone else at the wedding.

I had 120 to my day do alone and 30 more to the evening...It'd soon rack up if each of them got to bring a plus one.

Quveas · 14/01/2023 15:47

I don't think he's been rude at all. There was not invite - the OP has only sent out a "save the date", and it would be normal to assume that a one's long term partner / spouse was also invited. It would have been far less odd not to invite the cousin that you have never met and your OH barely ever sees - simple explanation that due to costs you are keeping numbers down. There is no reason to invite a cousin you have little to do with to a weeding just because they are family. But to invite them and then exclude their partner is, in my view, rude of you. Having now invited the cousin I think you have to suck up the partner - or not invite the cousin.

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Weddings
Ragwort · 14/01/2023 15:47

I don't see why it's so hard to attend a wedding on your own, if it's your family/friends surely you will know people to talk to? I actually find it pretty tedious tagging along to weddings that are friends/family of my DH (unless I already know them very well). I did once attend a wedding as a 'plus one' knowing no one except the friend I went with.... I would have rather stayed at home.

ouch321 · 14/01/2023 15:49

It's v rude to assume Gabby was invited if you'd only put his name on it. If no name at all was mentioned then I understand the confusion.

Am cringing at responses who say long term partners have to be included at a wedding. Can grown adults in LTRs really not manage attending an event on their own?!?

DadANDPK · 14/01/2023 15:54

Tulipomania · 14/01/2023 13:57

If Gabby is his long-term partner and they live together you should invite her.

If not then there is no need.

Either way the cousin was being a bit presumptuous in his response.

Why, it was an unnamed 'save the date'. Why would he assume they'd both be invited? She's his partner, not some random ONS.

Tulipomania · 14/01/2023 15:59

eh?

EspeciallyDetermined · 14/01/2023 15:59

MelchiorsMistress · 14/01/2023 14:53

It’s a bit mean not to invite long term partners, especially if family members.

wedding invitations without a plus one are for work colleagues or social groups that would go together.

I agree with this. I'd happily go to the wedding of a friend or colleague alone and have done so many times, but when its DH's family I would expect to be invited, it's not a matter of not being able to go alone. Long term family partners aren't +1s, they are invited as a matter of course. Weddings are the perfect place to get to know your partner's extended family better.

DadANDPK · 14/01/2023 16:00

cuminpotato · 14/01/2023 13:55

Theyre not married but in a relationship (not a new one)

As it was just a save the date via whatsapp and no invite has been sent, there was no name specifically attached. Invites when sent will have names.

I haven't been invited to weddings DP has been invited to and personally it doesn't bother me. Maybe others would not feel the same

you sent a generic save the date, it's hardly rude if him to assume it was for them both. It's not like she's some random he's picked up on a night out.

I think you should invite partners of family, yes.

inviting blu one oerson of a couple is msybe ok if you're inviting people from work as a group or something, but family & friends I think it's rude to only invite one of them.

just reply 'that's great ! Invitation to follow!'

anything else is really rude.

FKATondelayo · 14/01/2023 16:00

I have 32 first cousins. All of whom have been married at least once, all of whom have children. Some have grandchildren. I could not invite them all with a plus one to my wedding.

If you don't have a close enough relationship with the cousin to know their partner, they don't get invited.

Gymnopedie · 14/01/2023 16:09

Neither of us have met Gabby. I haven't met the cousin,and DP only sees him for big family events

What does DP think about inviting Gabby?

OP is the wider issue that DP isn't even particularly fussed about inviting a cousin he hardly sees, but feels he has to - so a partner neither of you know is adding even more to the guest list that you're really not bothered about being there?

justanotherlaura · 14/01/2023 16:11

No ring no bring really grinds my gears, we were together 10 years before we got engaged and my brother was with his wife 14 years before they did. We both didn't get partner invited to weddings when another cousin who was 18 and got engaged after 6 months got her fiancée invited, they broke up 6 months after the wedding.

We had a friend who lives far away ask to take a girlfriend to our wedding who we hadn't met and we'll be going to their wedding next year, so glad we let him take her to our wedding, we'll always remember when we met her

We also had 3 people cancel the week before the wedding, spending £70 a head for them annoyed me a lot more than the money for my friend's girlfriend

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/01/2023 16:12

It’s rude of him to assume she’s invited but I would just suck it up and invite her now rather than create unpleasantness and drama.

snowlady4 · 14/01/2023 16:16

Hi, congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
Here's what I think,
Yes, I think it's rude to not include partners/plus one for guests. But, it's your wedding, your choice. Just be prepared to have less guests than expected. Would you want to go to a party and tell your partner he's not welcome?- then go off to enjoy a nice hotel without him- at the same price it would be for the 2 of you?
I've been in this position, as a guest before and have simply replied, "I would love to come, but with everything a wedding involves, it will be either both of us or neither of us, let me know when your numbers are confirmed." I wouldn't go if my partner wasn't invited- a wedding is like a little holiday, with the cost of it all- transport, accommodation, wedding present, day off work, drinks- usually somewhere expensive, sometimes a second day of celebrating after the wedding! It all adds up.
So... I think as long as you're happy for your cousin to say no thanks to your invitation (and possibly not feel the same about you again,) invite just him.
If it were me, I'd include her, out of respect for him and say you're looking forward to meeting her! It's just a party at the end of the day.
Alternatively, you could say something along the lines of, I'm not inviting partners to the day, but perhaps the 2 of you could come along together in the evening? (Again, they may see this as a snub and not come!- and if there's other partners there it will seem rude.)
Hope you figure out what works best for you!

Addicted2LoveIsland · 14/01/2023 16:19

I don't think it is necessarily normal to have a plus 1. My cousin is getting married this year and I didn't receive a plus 1. I think it's up to the individuals. When my own sister got married I didn't get a plus 1, I was in a relationship but he didn't know my family that well - I didn't expect him to be invited either.

namechange3394 · 14/01/2023 16:22

GlobetrottingPercy · 14/01/2023 14:08

I have been the Gabby in this situation and it still makes me cringe to this day. I had been with DH for 1 year when the invites came out and it was clearly addressed to DH, MIL, BIL and SIL only. I had never met his cousin and like your DH, DH only saw him for funerals and big events probably once every 6 years and so it wasn’t a massive issue for me, I certainly didn’t raise it with DH. Before I knew it, MIL had called her sister (grooms mum) to ask whether it was an oversight that I wasn’t on it and to confirm that I would be attending (they didn’t even know I existed). I felt so awkward all day and the worst bit was that they had a family photo with that side of the family so I offered to hold the bags / coats while they all went off for it and MIL replied with ‘what do you mean, you are in it!’. Bride and Groom looked extremely awkward and then rallied and said of course I would be in it and please do join them. Even writing this makes my toes curl.

It’s possible Gabby may completely understand why she isn’t invited but it would be good to rectify this now and explain that there is limited and so you cannot extend the invites to people that you have never met. Worst case scenario is that he is so offended he refuses to come, how would DH feel about that?

Yes I've also been the Gabby in this situation and it makes me cringe so much. ExDP and ExMIL were adamant and I was too young and naive to put my foot down and say "ffs no, of course you don't message X and say I'm coming!".

I imagine Gabby isn't really arsed if she comes or not - just say nicely that she's not invited.

SwedishEdith · 14/01/2023 16:27

Tbh, the cousin could be thinking 'Why am I being invited to the wedding of a cousin I rarely see or know? And I haven't a clue if this includes Gabby so probably best to send a "Gabby and I would love to come" message to see if that makes it clearer '.

fortifiedwithtea · 14/01/2023 16:30

This is cousin’s way of saying he has a steady girlfriend and yes you should invite her.

when we got married DH aunt and cousin were on the same invite. Cousin lived with his mum and father had passed. Nobody knew he had a girlfriend and he didn’t tell us. Come the wedding cousin attended with a glum face and left early to go on a date . Had we known about her we would have invited her.

Cousin went on to marry the girlfriend. We were not not invited to his wedding, it was a very small do restricted to aunts and uncles only.

Dora33 · 14/01/2023 16:36

As it is the cousin's partner, you should treat the same as other cousin's partners. If other cousin's partners / spouses are invited, this cousin's partner should also.

It's fine to only invite a group of friends e.g university friends without a plus one. It's when some get a plus one and not others ( especially if the relationship is not new), that it can seem unfair.

StephanieSuperpowers · 14/01/2023 16:41

I think it'd be really weird to invite a cousin with a long term partner alone and all the other cousins with their partners.

Ultimately, I suppose the question is why you need to know everyone there. It wasn't something I thought about before my wedding and I wouldn't have noticed if someone brought a plus one I hadn't met.

If you focus on the comfort of your guests, what do you think would make the day better for them?

chitterchatter22 · 14/01/2023 16:54

I didn't do +1 at my wedding. My friends came and made a girls weekend out of it. My husbands friends came and had a lads weekend. Not even all of my cousins came. If I don't really know them (large age gaps, and not close) then they didn't get an invite. My close cousins that I see frequently brought partners. Numbers get out of hand when everyone gets a +1 and it's far too expensive. Everyone had a great time at our wedding and it was accepted by everyone that the wedding would be out of hand bringing partners in terms of size and cost for us.

AnnieMay55 · 14/01/2023 16:54

I think it's a great opportunity for the family to meet your cousin's partner. I think it makes a difference in their age if late 20s, 30s and living together so serious couple and other partners invited then I think yes. Also it makes a difference how far the travel to the wedding is and whether an overnight in a hotel is needed.

JenniferBarkley · 14/01/2023 17:01

I'm of the view that it's really rude to invite someone to a wedding without their long-term partner, unless it's a case of inviting all of a sports team or department at work or another non-family group.

I don't think a spouse or long-term cohabiting partner is a "plus one" either, I'd think of that being for single friends so that they can bring a date or a friend for company.

VincaBlue · 14/01/2023 17:39

JenniferBarkley · 14/01/2023 17:01

I'm of the view that it's really rude to invite someone to a wedding without their long-term partner, unless it's a case of inviting all of a sports team or department at work or another non-family group.

I don't think a spouse or long-term cohabiting partner is a "plus one" either, I'd think of that being for single friends so that they can bring a date or a friend for company.

I agree with this

Coffeetableposhbooks · 14/01/2023 17:43

I also feel plus one is the norm and wouldn’t expect my friends or family to be solo at my wedding and not bring a serious partner.

I find it a little odd actually that you do