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Original poster

Rude not to invite someone we haven't met to our wedding?

158 replies

cuminpotato · 14/01/2023 13:47

We've sent out save the dates.

DP sent to his cousin, and received a reply along the lines of 'Me and Gabby would love to come!' (not her real name).

Neither of us have met Gabby. I haven't met the cousin,and DP only sees him for big family events eg. funerals. Weddings are expensive and we had not budgeted for the addition of partners we do not know.

Is it OK to tell him Gabby isn't invited? Or do we have to suck it up and invite strangers(!)

If ok to not invite Gabby, and if so, how do we tell the cousin?

Some other cousins may have partners there, which may make things trickier.

OP posts:
Coffeetableposhbooks · 14/01/2023 17:44

JenniferBarkley · 14/01/2023 17:01

I'm of the view that it's really rude to invite someone to a wedding without their long-term partner, unless it's a case of inviting all of a sports team or department at work or another non-family group.

I don't think a spouse or long-term cohabiting partner is a "plus one" either, I'd think of that being for single friends so that they can bring a date or a friend for company.

I agree with you. Very rude and utterly unwelcoming to the family . This is a serious partner and they don’t want her there.

just odd.

ProtectorExtraordinaryOfTheCantonsOfNim · 14/01/2023 17:53

If they are married/engaged/living together you ought to invite both (whether or not you've met Gabby) or neither.

If they aren't living together or it least in a long-term serious relationship then inviting Gabby as a +1 isn't required.

I think where you went wrong was sending out save the date cards this early to everyone, including those you have almost no contact with and don't really care whether they attend. You've left yourself no room for manouevre.

SomeCommonThing · 14/01/2023 18:01

Whether you've met her or not, I do think it's rude not to invite someone's long term partner!
When I got married, I'd never met my cousin's boyfriend, but invited him anyway.
My bridesmaid and her boyfriend were on and off so I wrote plus one on hers, the boyfriend wasn't too happy 😂
My sister's partner I hated and simply didn't want there, so I didn't invite him and said to her I was really sorry but there wasn't plus one space available for him. By the time of the wedding she was heavily pregnant so I asked her not to make the effort to travel 😬

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Weddings
teezletangler · 14/01/2023 18:25

Rude and weird to not invite a long-standing girlfriend. I have a really big family and partners have always been invited to weddings. I have photos from my own wedding with my cousin's girlfriend in them. I'd never met her before and they broke up a year later. I can't remember her name. Who cares!

SpaceRaiders · 14/01/2023 18:37

Either invite them both or don’t invite them at all! Anything less is incredibly bad mannered.

I was once that long term “plus one” that wasn’t extended an invite. It was pretty hurtful given we’d been together 5+ years. But I accepted it. Same wedding, I heard of another “plus one” who kicked off massively which led to the bride extending the invite to include her.

Many months later at my own wedding, this bride approached me awkwardly to explain to me why I didn’t make the cut.

prettyrainbows · 14/01/2023 18:46

Of my partner wasn't invited I more than likely wouldn't attend. I think it would feel odd to attend alone and I'd also feel awkward explaining that they weren't invited! To me, plus 1's are just the norm when attending a wedding

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 14/01/2023 18:58

I think you can't invite one and not the other - did you also write "no children" on the Save the dates?

I replied to one once with a lovely card and said "we'd all love to share the day with you" I got a snotty reply - the invite is for the evening do only and no kids

To which I replied

I'm not driving 50 miles for an evening so if you haven't got the decency to invite me all day and invite my children

If people are in a couple they are a couple
If they have children they are a family

Some people get married and just turn into total knobs

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 14/01/2023 19:01

I basically told her to sod off
She was so anal about the whole thing (it was my cousins daughter)

I just don't get why people are like this and we did have fairly regular get together but since this I have to say relations have been somewhat strained

UsingChangeofName · 14/01/2023 19:01

GotAnyGrapez · 14/01/2023 14:34

Just say "sorry we haven't accommodated for plus ones at the moment in time, if that's to change we'll let you know but for the moment the invite is just for yourself."

This is just right.

But I am another that thinks it odd to send "Save the Dates" for a cousin that you clearly aren't particularly close to.

MissMaple82 · 14/01/2023 19:02

Good god, just cough up for their plus one!

UsingChangeofName · 14/01/2023 19:06

prettyrainbows · 14/01/2023 18:46

Of my partner wasn't invited I more than likely wouldn't attend. I think it would feel odd to attend alone and I'd also feel awkward explaining that they weren't invited! To me, plus 1's are just the norm when attending a wedding

You wouldn't be alone though. You presumably would be with your siblings, parents, cousins, Aunts, Uncles etc..... Your family.

I sort of get it can be awkward if you are a school friend or colleague from two jobs ago and don't know any people other than either the bride or groom, but can't understand people talk about being 'on their own' when it is someone they are related to getting married.

2bazookas · 14/01/2023 19:09

"Sorry, numbers are limited so the invitation was just for you."

Andypandy799 · 14/01/2023 19:27

@cuminpotato so some guests have plus ones including some cousins but they don’t get one? 🤦‍♂️ Sounds really fair to me I’m sure they will be fine with feeling like a second class relative. If you were my cousin I wouldn’t come

Serenity45 · 14/01/2023 20:36

One of DHs cousins did EXACTLY the same with us...we only saw the cousin once a year and she'd had 5 boyfriends in the 3 years we had been together (not judging her, just giving context).

Latest fella was definitely not named on invite and we weren't doing plus ones, as it was a small wedding (40 guests). We wanted to know everyone there. She's a spoilt entitled fucker, though I am actually fond of her. We sent a bright and breezy reply to her by email, apologising for any confusion but making clear the invite was for her only (no justification just kept it simple). She threw her toys out of the pram and didn't come in the end (apparently despite travelling internationally for her job she felt uncomfortable getting a train alone).

Honestly didn't bother us, though apparently in laws and her parents had words about it...anyway she ended up marrying him. Lovely guy and we both went to her wedding a couple of years later no big drama apart from her mum making a few pointed comments about 'EVERYONE being welcome'. Literally water off a ducks back I don't engage with that crap.

Anyway vv longwinded way of saying you're not in the wrong OP 😁

Comedycook · 14/01/2023 20:40

Not giving a plus one is rude...why do you have to know everyone. I've been to weddings as a plus one and not ever met the bride and groom before. It's a pretty common scenario.

Outfor150 · 14/01/2023 21:25

I’ve never been to a wedding where there have been plus-ones.

PugInTheHouse · 14/01/2023 22:08

Personally I would never not invite a plus 1 if they were in a long term relationship whether I had met them or not. Only time I wouldn't is if there is a group of work colleagues that are invited and are coming together. If a family member invited me to a wedding by text, so basically a save the date, then I think I would assume it was for DH but if the invite came with just my name on I would then clarify of course.

Original poster
cuminpotato · 14/01/2023 22:19

Why do we want to know everyone at our wedding? because it's our wedding!

It's my DP that doesn't want Gabby to come, not me. I'm on the fence about the whole thing.

And splashing out £200 for every Tom Dick and Harry who wants to bring a plus one gets expensive

Are some couples really so in each others pockets that they couldn't spend an evening apart?

OP posts:
Newtrix · 14/01/2023 22:29

@cuminpotato I'm very much of the belief that its your day and it absolutely doesn't matter one tiny jot what anyone else thinks. We had 57 people... 25 couples and 7 people without a plus one as they didn't have a partner or we didn't know their partner. I find it absolutely baffling that people would be happy to have strangers at their wedding.

AnnieMay55 · 14/01/2023 22:29

Are some couples really so in each others pockets that they couldn't spend an evening apart?
I don't think that is the point. Surely people enjoy going out and dressing up for an occasion more if they can go with their partner. Weddings are still family occasions that you want to go to with your partner if you are part of the family. As previously said a group of friends or work colleagues is different.

mnahmnah · 14/01/2023 22:30

I hate going to weddings where I don’t know the bride or groom, or any guests, while DH knows everyone. I would be perfectly happy to let him go alone and not offended if I wasn’t invited in this situation. I agree with the previous response that said along the lines of sorry, not extending invite to plus ones as numbers are limited to closest friends and family

Original poster
cuminpotato · 14/01/2023 22:32

We would be having a smaller wedding if not for all of DPs cousins.

A third of the guests are DPs family already, without everyone bringing their partner!

The partners that we had planned on inviting are the mothers of his godchildren.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 14/01/2023 22:34

@AnnieMay55 I think that does depend on what people view as a "partner" though.
Couple living together for the last 5 years, have been involved with other family events and everyone knows they are 'Bob and Gabby' even though they might not have got married - absolutely

Someone the cousin is 'going out with' (and we don't know how long for) that the B&G don't even know exists, let alone have met or spent any time with, then somewhat different.

People use the word 'partner' differently.
But, even though I've been with dh for over 30 years, if I were invited to a wedding without him, I'd be quite happy with that, and so would he.

JenniferBarkley · 14/01/2023 22:46

Why do we want to know everyone at our wedding? because it's our wedding!

It's also a family occasion that you're hosting, I would find it very strange to be invited to any family event without DH (or vice versa).

Sugarfree23 · 14/01/2023 22:59

Op I'd invite her, esp if they life together or they have been together 2/3 years.

How would you feel if you weren't invited to their wedding?
Weddings are the most couples events going. Horrible going to weddings and being a gooseberry.

Controversial i know but if something happened to him tomorrow How would you feel at the funeral?