Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Rude not to invite someone we haven't met to our wedding?

158 replies

cuminpotato · 14/01/2023 13:47

We've sent out save the dates.

DP sent to his cousin, and received a reply along the lines of 'Me and Gabby would love to come!' (not her real name).

Neither of us have met Gabby. I haven't met the cousin,and DP only sees him for big family events eg. funerals. Weddings are expensive and we had not budgeted for the addition of partners we do not know.

Is it OK to tell him Gabby isn't invited? Or do we have to suck it up and invite strangers(!)

If ok to not invite Gabby, and if so, how do we tell the cousin?

Some other cousins may have partners there, which may make things trickier.

OP posts:
brainstories568 · 14/01/2023 14:13

We named the people we wanted to invite - sometimes we invited both members of the couple but other times we just invited the person we were actually friends with, no one minded, and I've been to a few weddings of uni friends where they didn't invite my husband even though we were married at the time. I don't think it's a big deal either way as long as it's clear... Which sounds like it perhaps wasn't if it was just a what's app message? But if it was that informal then you've got time to nip it in the bud now. That said, if the invite is for a long time in the future, would you still want to make the same decision then? Or would you then decide to invite her? We only had a lead time of a few months at our wedding which I think made a difference.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 14/01/2023 14:13

Greeneyegirl · 14/01/2023 14:03

Our rule was if we hadnt met them or didnt know their last name they werent invited. We had a similar issue with my uncle wanting to bring along a gf of 6 months to our wedding! We didnt know her last name let alone met her. We said no.

How rude! Luckily my family/circles are a bit more welcoming.

I think it’s quite rude to invite someone to a wedding without a partner to be honest.

HeddaGarbled · 14/01/2023 14:13

It used to be the norm to invite plus-ones, but that does seem to be going out of fashion.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
PacificallyRequested · 14/01/2023 14:13

I don't understand the MN aversion to inviting strangers to your wedding. OK, so you haven't met Gabby, but she's your DP's cousins partner. You say that your DP only sees his cousin at big family events. A wedding is a big family event and the perfect opportunity to meet her.

If the cousin and Gabby announced they were getting married, after your wedding to which Gabby wasn't invited, would you expect to be invited to their wedding even though you hadn't met the bride? I bet you would.

rwalker · 14/01/2023 14:14

Your wedding your rules
I wouldn’t go to a wedding and spend all day sat on my own
plus 1 is generally the norm so I would of been more specific on save the date

Cherrysoup · 14/01/2023 14:15

Don’t think you can expect someone to come without his long term partner, I’d assume she’s invited. I’d find it odd to get an invitation that didn’t automatically include my partner.

SwedishEdith · 14/01/2023 14:16

brainstories568 · 14/01/2023 14:13

We named the people we wanted to invite - sometimes we invited both members of the couple but other times we just invited the person we were actually friends with, no one minded, and I've been to a few weddings of uni friends where they didn't invite my husband even though we were married at the time. I don't think it's a big deal either way as long as it's clear... Which sounds like it perhaps wasn't if it was just a what's app message? But if it was that informal then you've got time to nip it in the bud now. That said, if the invite is for a long time in the future, would you still want to make the same decision then? Or would you then decide to invite her? We only had a lead time of a few months at our wedding which I think made a difference.

Did your friends know you were married and still not invite your husband? That is really weird.

Wombats67 · 14/01/2023 14:18

I said my friend couldn't bring his gf as I only wanted people I knew at our very small wedding. He's never talked to me since, so it depends on your relationship. I'm sad about this but I had to have a line somewhere and lot of family weren't invited either. That I do regret more but I don't see them either, only at family funerals!

Crazycrazylady · 14/01/2023 14:21

It's normal to invite plus ones to crept when wedding is a very small intimate affair.. it's too long and slippery a slope to go down the road of inviting the plus ones you've actually net.
Ie met briefly once in passing yes or not?
2) been at some events together but haven't really spoken

It's far easier to have a blanket rule on plus 1s rather than weigh into pick and choose territory

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 14/01/2023 14:21

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 14/01/2023 13:50

‘We’re so sorry but we’re unable to extend to plus 1’s at this stage. Should this change, we will of course extend the invitation’

This is perfect

Newtrix · 14/01/2023 14:22

We only invited plus ones if we knew them... why would you want people at your wedding that you didn't know?!

Honeyroar · 14/01/2023 14:23

I think if they’re a spouse or live in partner they should be invited too, or if the person you’re inviting doesn’t know many people that are going they should have a plus one. Often fairly new partners are invited to the evening reception as a compromise. Could that work?

StopFeckingFaffing · 14/01/2023 14:24

Personally I would invite Cousin + Gabby assuming they are still together at the time you are sending out the official invites

You have kind of shot yourselves in the foot with the informal WhatsApp invite that didn't specify names

Cousin has made it clear that he assumes Gabby is also invited and it would be pretty rude to not invite her now

SheWoreYellow · 14/01/2023 14:25

Plus ones is a bit less necessary if the person will have a sibling/parents there. So as it’s cousins, I don’t see the problem with inviting just the cousins and not their OHs if you are tight on numbers. Having said that, if there are only one or two you would exclude, then I would not do this.

yikesanotherbooboo · 14/01/2023 14:28

DD tells me that she and her stbDH rarely both get an invite to a wedding. The partner who is a friend of the bride or groom goes all day and the other partner just attends the evening function.When I was young one tended to invite married couples or long term live in partners but not 'new' girlfriends or boyfriends. DD and her DP have families and friends and they and their friends are not in a position to have hundreds at their wedding particularly in light of the current cost of living crisis.

harrassedmumto3 · 14/01/2023 14:29

It's normal to bring a plus one.

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 14:31

why would you want people at your wedding that you didn't know?!

You will get to know them if you invite them. Is that a bad thing?

harrassedmumto3 · 14/01/2023 14:32

Whataretheodds · 14/01/2023 13:57

Reply "who's Gabby?"

(did you know he was in a relationship with Gabby? How long have they been together?) Yes it's rude to assume a plus one invitation when one hasn't been issued. It's also rude to invite someone to a wedding without their spouse/fiancé/live-in partner. I have previously been to weddings that were explicitly 'no ring, no bring'. Some boyfriends/girlfriends were invited in their own right.

Don't reply with "who's Gabby?"
If you don't want to invite her, just say, but don't be shitty and rude about it. It is perfectly obvious who Gabby would be, and it's not someone he has grabbed off the street 🙄

GotAnyGrapez · 14/01/2023 14:34

Just say "sorry we haven't accommodated for plus ones at the moment in time, if that's to change we'll let you know but for the moment the invite is just for yourself."

TurtleTriplets · 14/01/2023 14:34

I would think it fell ends how long they have been together surely? A 3 month fling is different to a 7 year relationship.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/01/2023 14:34

What's normal is to go by what is written on the invitation, not to assume that for every single person invited there's an automatic "+1" guest they can bring.
That's what is normal.

As these are only your "Save the date" cards, you can downsize or keep a list of those that want a +1, see how the main invitee list goes and as quickly as possible send out invites to them if others can't attend or decline your invitation.

harrassedmumto3 · 14/01/2023 14:34

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 14:31

why would you want people at your wedding that you didn't know?!

You will get to know them if you invite them. Is that a bad thing?

@Yarrawonga

But this is Mumsnet, home of the socially awkward.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/01/2023 14:34

GotAnyGrapez · 14/01/2023 14:34

Just say "sorry we haven't accommodated for plus ones at the moment in time, if that's to change we'll let you know but for the moment the invite is just for yourself."

This is a perfect interim response

TeenDivided · 14/01/2023 14:35

I think save the dates don't extend to cousins you hardly see either. For me they are for key people that you would be upset if they couldn't attend. Your core 1/4-1/3rd of the guest list.

As he is family though, if they are a well established couple 3yrs plus then I think you would need to invite as the plus one is nearly family.
If they are 18 or she has only been around 18months that is another matter.

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 14:36

@harrassedmumto3 True! Sometimes I despair.